Partner desperate to feed expressed milk from a bottle

[ruthymay]

Hi all,

I am pregnant with my first child and have always been a massive advocate of breastfeeding, my mother breastfed me and both of my sisters and I have grown up around it. I plan on breastfeeding when my baby arrives and my partner is supportive of this. The only problem is that he is desperate to be included in the feeding and wants to feed the baby expressed milk from a bottle. This is not an idea I am at all keen on as I think it is best straight from the breast and don't want to enter the realms of nipple confusion etc.
My partner and I have both done a lot of research on breastfeeding so he is totally clued up about it but still feels like he wants to help out with the feeding. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on what I can say to him to help him understand how much I want to exclusively breastfeed?

"I can't even imagine telling the man I love, the father of my baby that he needed to "get over himself" rather than have any input into how our child is fed."

Its one thing having an input. Its quite another to ask the sleep deprived mother of a newborn to express several times a day, wash the breastpump for next time, fit in the expressing around feeds, deal with engorgement, blocked ducts, mastitis from missing a feed out, deal with interruption of supply from missing a feed, deal with possible nipple confusion and fussiness at breastfeeds because of the fathers input into feeding. If his wants didn't make her deal with these things that she is clearly unhappy with then fine, but thy do and its a lot to ask of someone imo.

I'm not trying to give you tips on your TSC, I'm sorry if it came across like that. I was trying to make a more general point that breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to co-sleep and be attached to your baby constantly, "be a martyr" and never go out.

If you have a very clingy baby then they'd be clingy whether breast or formula fed.

It's not just that there are plenty of other ways dads can care and bond with their babies, but I think breastfeeding can also be a lovely experience for the father. My dh loves to watch our son breast feed, all the little noises he makes etc and feels that he gets more enjoyment out of this than he would giving him a bottle. When we're all in bed together and ds is feeding, it is a bonding experience for ALL of us. Personally I think it's quite strange that holding a bottle of milk in your babies mouth can be so important. Although ds is only 3 months he never goes more than 2-3 hours between feeds and I have never felt tied to him in a negative sense. If you also feel like this, then you may not feel the need to express to give yourself a break.

MigGril it's all very well to say that when your baby sleeps for five hours -and same to you RitaMorgan - my baby fed every 2 hours day and night for the first ten weeks (so 20 mins feed, then an hour and 40 mins break before the next feed) then after a six-week respite period when she slept for a longer period at night, she reverted back to 2-hourly feeds and this continued until she was about 9 months old. She would drink water from a cup, but not milk for a very long time.

People have very different experiences of breastfeeding depending on how often their baby feeds and for how long. I am lucky that DD has always been quite a quick feeder, so I never suffered with soreness or cracked nipples, but it did mean that I could not go anywhere or do anything without her for a long time. To suggest that your experience of 'oh it's so easy, they sleep for hours and hours after the first couple of months and then they can have other things when they start solids' is stupid. And please don't feel sad for me or my baby, thank you very much.

A 9 month old doesn't need milk every 2 hours. Obviously it's fine if they want to, but you can go out for a few hours and leave some food and drink and nothing terrible will happen.

I can totally understand why he?d want to do this ? not necessarily so that he can ?feed the baby? or bond or whatever, but also to give you a bit of freedom without worrying. We have done it since about week 5 or 6 and for us it has worked very well. We have never done it that often, once a month or so, but it does mean that I can go and get my hair coloured, or go out for the evening or the day and not be worrying about getting back to feed DS and also DH and DS spend a more time together just the two of them, which is really nice for them as DH only sees him for half an hour a dayish during the week. It does depend on how easy you find expressing though, I?ve never had a problem with it, but I know some people don?t get much out at all.

Do wait until 5 or 6 weeks before trying though, until bfing is well established and there is less danger of nipple confusion. Do be aware though that your baby may have other ideas ? there are a lot of threads on here about babies who just won?t take a bottle at all.

Wow, if only I had been able to benefit from your great wisdom six months ago, RitaMorgan! Tis a REVELATION!

With respect, you don't know me or my baby. DD was very very slow to wean and I was not willing to leave her until I knew she would accept some solid food and milk/water from a beaker in my absence. This was around nine months. At seven months, for example, she was uninterested in solids.

You say 'nothing terrible' would happen if a baby was left for a few hours - well maybe not. She wouldn't have died if I had left her at seven or eight months (or even earlier). But she would have been distressed. I know this because I did have to leave her a couple of times (once because DH was in hospital). So you see, I would not have had a particularly lovely time mooching around the shops, or going to the gym or out for dinner had I known that DH was at home listening to DD cry, unable to give her what she wanted.

OP, have just noticed your comment about the idea of feeding from a bottle making you feel sick. You could easily upset and offend a lot of people. You may not have realised how sensitive mothers are to the whole subject of breastfeeding, but perhaps it would be better to choose a different phrase

emsyj, stopping breastfeeding (somewhere between 1 and 2 years) was remarkably fuss free with both of mine. It was one of the aspects of parenting that I thought was going to be a massive hassle but was actually no big deal. Potty training was also in this category! However, I know it's not so easy for everyone. Probably when DC3 comes along I'll find out what all the fuss was about!

For me (I know not for everyone, not for a moment criticising anyone else here) I feel like my babies are basically my responsibility for most of the first year. Feeding is so central, and feeding is my job as the mother. I didn't really appreciate until I had children that I was basically going to have a baby with me all the time. I think I thought that babies could be passed round more easily, and that I would be going out and stuff pretty normally after a month or two. It took a bit of adjusting to realise that for me (and quite a lot of women) this is not really the case. I do find it OK mainly restricting myself to doing stuff where I can bring a baby with me for a while though. So I would go out for lunch with friends rather than dinner and bring the baby with me, go to postnatal yoga with the baby for the first few months and then after 4 months or so would be OK to feed the baby then pop to the gym if I wanted (back in 1.5 hours, they could manage at that age). No idea what point I'm making here, probably just that it's very hard to know how you're going to feel about these things before you actually have a baby. Oh, and I don't think not bottlefeeding at all has affected the children's relationship with their father at all given that he currently seems to be the favourite parent for both of them!

thesecondcoming, I'm absolutely not criticising you or anyone else who doesn't want or can't have a baby with them pretty much all the time. All sorts of different circumstances. Lots of mums need to go back to work, you must have a very big age gap, whatever it might be. Also think it's pretty much impossible to know what you will want until you actually have a baby.
It does seem to me something of a problem with our society if anyone ever regards breastfeeding a baby as 'having your tits out' though.

TheSecondComing - I think you took what I said the wrong way. I think ThursdayNext put it better then me. I actually think its a good thing that your older girl should see her mum BF anywhere and everywhere helps normalise BF.

emsyj - I have a DS who feed's every 3 hours (sometimes more) 24 hours a day as well (he's almost 7months). DD fed a lot more offten during the day but did that nice 5hours at night (didn't do any more till 13months thoung that's a hole other thread). And I have still made it out for a meal and for drinks with the girls in the last 6months. Yes sometimes I've had to come home early or to a awake baby with DH rocking him but I still made it out. I don't begrude these early days as I know it will pass so quikly and like DD he'll be starting school before I know it.

Tell him to butt out. Feeding babies is a mother's role. If she wants to share it, fine. But your DH has absolutely no business pestering to take part. Breast-feeding takes ages to establish and mothers need time and support and patience to get on with it. Messing about with expressing and bottles early on is a quick road to formula. There are a million ways fathers can bond with their babies, sticking a bottle in their mouths is not the way. The most important contribution your partner can make to the successful breastfeeding of his child is by offering his unstinting support and praise to YOU (rather than hassling to get in on the act).

How about letting him do all the nappy changes instead?

OP, it sounds like if you're the kind of woman who is going to feel a need for time off from your baby (and you probably don't know that for sure until s/he is here), then your dp's idea may have merit, once feeding is established.

but if you're happy to do all then feeds, then it is your body and no one, not even your partner, should demand you express if you don't want to. trust your instincts. (myself, I hated it, made me feel like a farmed cow, but I know others have closer relationships with their pumps ).

suggest your dp can do all/most of the baths - that is, bath together with his baby, both naked in warm water, pure blissful bonding.

thesecondcoming - maybe you have issues of your own you need to address. I may not have teenagers yet but certanily remeber being one, my mum did many an embarasing thing which would make me and my sister cringe. She always said it was a mum's job to embarish you. I don't think you can possibly go round trying to avoid everything that's going to make them cringe.

gotta say that DH doing the 10.30pm feed of expressed milk was a life saver for us in the early days. Did it from the end of week 1. no nipple confusion at all whatsoever!

BF to 14 months and i think the help from DH in the early days kept me going because there were moments in the first 6 weeks that I wanted to give up. DS was a refluxy, hungry baby, sore nipple etc..

I expressed at 8.30, went to bed at 9pm DH did 10.30 feed then went to bed til the morning. I then bf around 1pm and 4pm.

However I realise this is a personal choice and dependent on expressing working. Its also important to make the decision together for works for you as a couple and if you aren't comfortable then its probably isn't a good idea for you.

i found expressing easy and actually loved it (but then i am wierd and love blood donating.....so also donated to the milk bank and loved that too).

I am realistic enough to guess that i may not find the time with no 2!

totally agree with bestnameever's 9.30 post. excellent.

Thing is you won't know untill it happens how much milk you are going to have and how easy or not you will find it to express. From very early on I used to have to espress just so DD could latch on. She went to sleeping 7-8 hrs from about 8 weeks but I would wake up halfway through this ready to explode so would express and freeze it. By the time she was 12 weeks I had a huge stash and started introducing a bottle gradually. It meant I could take a break and DH could get a shot at feeding. Of course I would then have to express the missed feed cause my norks would be like concrete watermelons if I didn't but eventually this started to regulate and I could miss the odd feed without any issue.

I'd suggest taking a wait and see approach as other posters have said you just don't know how things are going to pan out and keeping an open mind will make it easier if things take an unexpected turn.

MigGril, that suited you and that's fine. But I am not you. And my baby did not go 3 hours between feeds. I cannot envisage how I could have gone 'out with the girls' when DD fed every 2 hours. That doesn't mean she went 2 hours between feeds, it means that for 20 minutes out of every 120 minutes, she was feeding.

It is patronising and offensive to say that you 'don't begrudge' the time you spent feeding your children, as though anyone who wants to be able to get a bit more sleep, go for a walk or just have a hot bath in peace is somehow enormously selfish.

OP, you have opened up a real can of worms with this one! Maybe the best thing would be to wait and see how you feel when your baby arrives. Best of luck with it all and I hope bf works out for you. Get support if you need it.

OP, I agree with the advice to wait for 6 weeks to establish breast feeding and then have a rethink. Your partner may have gone right off the idea because of exhaustion, or you might begin to find the idea very appealing .

It is lovely that he is so keen to be involved though - some people spend hours expressing only for their partner to come home and not actually want to give the bottle

OP - I breastfed my DD, when she was first born she struggled latching on so she was fed from a cup while feeding was established. DH and I quickly got into a routine once feeding was established, and I would express milk so he could feed her too.
DD never had any problems taking milk from a bottle, though it did take us a while to find a bottle she was happy with. I used to express and take the milk out with me too because I personally was never very comfortable breastfeeding in public, so if we were having a few hours at shopping for eg, DH would feed DD with the expressed milk.
I went back to work when DD was 6 months old, and I would express and give the milk to the CM. At no point did DD ever have formula milk, and I was glad that I had gotten expressing under way before I went back to work.
DD was breastfeeding (either direct or with expressed milk) until she was 18 months old.

Forgot to add: I am pregnant again now, and my first DD is nearly six, and she is so excited at the idea she can help feed the baby (as is DH again). We plan to do the same as with DD and express milk as well, and let DD be involved in the odd feed too. DD understands where the babies milk comes from and that the majority of time how the baby will be fed, but I'm thrilled that she wants to help/bond with her sibling in this way :)