Partner desperate to feed expressed milk from a bottle

[ruthymay]

Hi all,

I am pregnant with my first child and have always been a massive advocate of breastfeeding, my mother breastfed me and both of my sisters and I have grown up around it. I plan on breastfeeding when my baby arrives and my partner is supportive of this. The only problem is that he is desperate to be included in the feeding and wants to feed the baby expressed milk from a bottle. This is not an idea I am at all keen on as I think it is best straight from the breast and don't want to enter the realms of nipple confusion etc.
My partner and I have both done a lot of research on breastfeeding so he is totally clued up about it but still feels like he wants to help out with the feeding. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on what I can say to him to help him understand how much I want to exclusively breastfeed?

We are going to try that later this week (taking advantage of the bank hol weekend so DH can recover a bit before work) but I am dreading how hard it will be. She is absolutely fine drinking milk from a cup anywhere except her room and anytime but bedtime. But I am really ready to stop now, so it must be done. I think there will be tears - from both of us .

(Sorry OP to start talking about giving up bf on your thread when your baby hasn't even started yet!!!)

PS My DD is called Ruth (nn Ruthie) so your name made me .

I think the advice is not to express for the first 6 weeks to allow time to establish breastfeeding. Perhaps you could agree to visit the issue once again at this point?

Personally I could never be bothered with the faff, although you won't know for sure how you feel until the time comes.

My dh got in some serious bonding time carrying our sleeping ds around in the sling while I rested. Two birds with one stone! He could also take on bath time or a lovely daily massage.

So your partner wants to a small part in feeding his new baby and you don't want to because the thought of feeding a baby with a bottle makes you feel sick?

I think the person who needs to get over themselves is you.

I can't even imagine telling the man I love, the father of my baby that he needed to "get over himself" rather than have any input into how our child is fed.

My mother suggested doing what your DH is suggesting because she felt that my Dad felt a little left out of the baby days because he never got to do feeds. My Dad never said this to her, it's just something she thinks now with the benefit of hindsight.

With DD1 I was desperate for the break that DH giving an evening feed gave me. Breastfeeding was a struggle at first and I was exhausted. I started doing the evening feed myself again at around 6 months (for practical reasons) and DH missed it.

We did the same thing with DD2 (mostly because it had worked well last time, I didn't need the rest second time around) and it was incredibly obvious how much impact doing that feed had on the way he bonded with her.

Do you really think that if you feed your baby from your breasts all day long and then your partner gives her one feed from a bottle, that it will be harmful?

Really?

So harmful that it outweighs the obvious benefits of giving your partner the chance to feed his baby once a day and the happiness that will give them both?

erm, he can do so much else - m Dh would sometimes get up, change baby, plop it in next to me, then put baby back when finished..all so i could night feed without so much as sitting up. lazy cow that i am.

That is helpful. Getting someone to do something they don't want to do, so that you can join in, isn't helpful. its nice he wants to be involved and support you with your new baby - but how about he does that without deciding what you do with your breasts?
FWIW i never had any joy expressing until baby 2# ...perhaps say sth like 'oh well, how about i get feeding established and we'll see how it pans out?'

Another one who could never express a drop but is still breast feeding a baby at 16 months. I certainly would not have found it fun to express just so my DH could feed our baby a bottle.

And I'm another who thinks that there really is so much your partner can do, just so much. Feeding a baby is not the be all and end all - but if you want to bf then you could do with support from your partner in other ways.

My partner does loads and loads and loads. Don't forget around 6 months your partner can do all the feeding of the solids if he wants??? Oh and let him do the feeding of solids later on, as long as he cleans up the splattered foods as you really don't want sticky banana left anywhere...

Good luck!

"So harmful that it outweighs the obvious benefits of giving your partner the chance to feed his baby once a day and the happiness that will give them both?"

the benefits aren't obvious to the op spidookly....and baby is happy whichever way it gets fed. I don't think men need to feed to bond with their babies, (i don't even think women do!) you can cuddle them just as close without them eating.

don't forget she would have to express the milk too, which can be a PITA.

i read the comment about the bottle as being about the feeling of fear that the sight of baby taking milk from the bottle would invoke in the op - that the op might see in that picture the end of her BFing.

to be fair, i know it is hard to prove that bottle feeding per se can reduce successful BF, but i have read 'was giving 1 bottle a day and now baby is refusing breast' on here, and heard that IRL.

I worried about nipple confusion too, but ended up having an emergency ceasarian section, and my baby was cup fed until my milk came through, from which point he was 90% breastfed and the odd bottle here and there. He was fine, and it was a godsend that someone could give him a bottle now and then - it was a relief that I could sleep for 2 or 3 hours together, and of course my partner liked to be involved in all aspects of the baby's care. My SIL's baby was a bottle snob and refused to take a bottle, so no nipple confusion but also no break for her, and she had to wean him when she went back to work when he was 6 months old (just couldn't get enough time to pump during the day).

Eggyallenpoe it's not the just OP's new baby, it the OP and her DH's new baby. He has every right to be involved in feeding his child. Can you imagine the hysteria if the roles were reversed here and it was a man telling a woman to "get over herself" and to only get involved in the jobs he felt were suitable? I feel really sorry for this poor guy, I hope he does exactly what he's told and leaves the OP to it. After all, she's read lots of books and he's a big fan of breastfeeding so what could possibly go wrong...

It's funny. Men get slated on here all the time for referring to caring for their children as "helping", but when it suits now this father's role is blithely reduced to all the ways he can "help".

There are lots of things he can do to care for his child, and one of them is feeding. And it matters to him. And it could be part of the bonding process.

If feeding isn't the be all end all, then why refuse a reasonable request from a good man who knows what he's talking about?

Ultimately all you can do for now is make provisional plans that may well come to nothing. You're going to have to see how it goes.

But really, to tell an enthusiastic soon-to-be father that the thought of him giving his baby a bottle makes you feel sick seems more than a little hurtful. Don't alienate him by giving him the message that this is nothing to do with him.

And don't glorify your prejudice about bottle feeding by calling it an "instinct".

Wafflepuss - your last post is over the top. But actually surely the father can wait 6 months - it is only 6 months and then he can feed the baby solids if the mother breastfeeds... it is not rocket science.

spidookly - why is a father wanting to feed a baby with a bottle reasonable or not - why can't the father wait until the baby is 6 months to feed the baby food or water?? What are your hang ups on this??

Why should he wait six months?

Maybe he should wait 18 years and the bonding experience of buying his son his first pint?

Feeding solids to a 6 month old is nothing like giving a newborn a milk feed. As you well know.

What's your hang up?

It's his baby too, yes, but nature has give her the boobs. They are both equipped with opposable thumbs and the ability to prepare a meal, do laundry, grocery shop, hoover, do the washing up... When a baby is born a father can find all sorts of things fall by the wayside, lots of slack that needs taking up. Who better to do this than the one who is not designed to feed the baby?

Personally speaking, I welcomed the offer to put dinner on even during the late afternoon crying jag that most of mine went through when lots of people were saying to me 'wouldn't you all be happier if X or Y gave her a bottle and you got on with dinner' -- well no, I'd like to have the burden of dinner taken off my shoulders if you really want to do something useful. I never found the swollen boobs that resulted from a missed feeding comfortable or worth it, and I never found expressing anything but a chore that resulted in sore arm muscles and leaks all over my clothes.

Tell him that he can feed the baby - but only if he uses this.
Better than a bottle, no?

I found expressing a total pain in the arse, could barely express a drop and it made me feel a bit sick and icky tbh!

I wouldn't bother expressing just so the dad can have a go at feeding.

Expressing was a no go for me first time round. Much easier this time round, but DS like DD doesn't like bottle.

I feel a little sad reading some of your post's hear about wanting time away from your babies. DD was a bottle refusser I fed her to sleep everynight for 18months and for every nap she had (appart from when she fell asleep in her puschair). I was able to go out in the evening as once asleep she would sleep for 5 hours. (after the first couplr of months) Plus once on solids I could leaver her for an afternoon with DH knowing he could just offer food and drink if she got hungery. Yes at times it was tireing but she's now almost 4 I could leaver her forever now if I wanted (have only ever left her overnight once when I DS missted her then). Guess what I'm trying to say is they are only very little and relient on you for such a short time enjoy it while you can.

DS is almost 7 months and I don't know where that time has gone. Didn't even both trying to get him used to a bottle, he'll quit happly have a cup now.

DH never felt he missed out by not bottle feeding, as others have said there are lots of ther nice things dad can do.

I think nipple confusion is miss labled it's really a bottle preferance and I've seen it lots on hear as OP said it's women who says there lo's will refusse the breast after having a bottle reguraly. I think it's something to be aware of and if after introducing a bottle and baby becomes more fussy at the breat it's worth trying to drop the bottle to see if that helps.

I don't think he should expect you to have to go through the hassle of expressing, the hassle of bottles and the risks of engorgement, blocked ducts and nipple confusion/bad latch just so he can do feeds when there's lots of other things he can do.

If you want to express for the odd bottle, try to wait unti; supply and feeding is established.

I only expressed because i knew i would have to, because of going back to work after 6 months.

it is a pain and all the washing of pump bits and bottles drove me nuts!

if you want to you could express an occasional bottle, but i don't think it's fair to ask you to do it regularly if it's not needed IYSWIM.

Expressing has always been much more painful, and a much slower process, than breastfeeding for me. I enjoy breastfeeding, but don't enjoy sitting hooked up to a pump.

Its only 6 months until your baby will start solids, why not say that DH can be in charge of the feeding of those

Nature equipped woman with breasts and humankind with the ability to invent useful tools, one of which is an alternative method of administering milk feeds.

The dinner argument is bogus. He can do both if he wants and is given the choice. Saying to someone "no, you can't do what you want because you will have to be doing this other, entirely unrelated job for me at a completely different time" makes no sense.

Yes, he can do other things. But he can also do feeding if he's let.

Luckily I didn't find expressing that difficult, because we had a lot of early trouble with latch. It was a week or so before we managed feeding from the breast, so if it hadn't been possible I would have had to give formula while my supply dwindled.

You don't know in advance how it's going to go. Taking strong positions on expressing being a faff before you've ever done it is ridiculous. Apart from it being the thing that made breastfeeding possible for me, I also found it easy, convenient and it gave me flexibility I was thankful for.

Maybe the OP won't be able to express, maybe she won't be arsed, maybe she'll have to.

Saying "let's see" (and meaning it) is a lot more reasonable, realistic and kind than taking an ideological opposition to bottle feeding and using it as an excuse to exclude your partner from feeds.

For the first week of DD1's life her father did all her feeds. With a spoon. Or a syringe. Sometimes a cup. I did only (initially abortive attempts at) breastfeeding. I wonder how that would have worked if I had told him before she was born that I found the thought of him feeding her sickening?

Breastfeeding doesn't mean you have to be a martyr though, and not using a bottle doesn't mean you can never leave your baby!

Just because you breastfeed doesn't mean you have to feed to sleep or be the only one to do bedtime and naps. OK, so you can't easily go out for a day, but even a tiny baby can be apart from you for a couple of hours, by 6 or 7 months you can leave them for 4/5 hours, at 9 months DP can take DS out for most of a day without him needing milk.