Equip me with comebacks please!

[WriterofDreams]

I'm due to go back to Ireland to visit family with DS next month (he'll be about 16 weeks then). I'm looking forward to it in some respects but I know BFing will be a problem. My sisters were just over for a visit (first time seeing DS) and my older sister kept asking stupid questions about BFing, such as "are you allowed to eat cheese?" which I answered. She also said "I can't believe how often you have to feed him!" about 500 times even though I explained he's going through a growth spurt and doesn't usually need so much. BFing isn't the norm in my family and I know I'm going to get tons of unwanted advice and stupid questions for a whole week. I have a massive (and I mean massive) family so this will be pretty much constant. Sigh.

So are there any stock responses I can give to shut people up? Also please help to boost my confidence for feeding in front of my aunts and uncles. I have about 50 younger cousins and I've never ever seen any of them BFed so as you can imagine I'll be very unusual. I'm even considering switching to formula I'm that worried about it. Help!

I don't know what to say. I don't know if any of my extended family have breastfed, but it didn't cross my mind to think they might quiz me about it when I took new babies visiting. I think you're getting yourself worked up over nothing.

Your sisters are far more likely than aunts, cousins etc to ask questions. I don't think the comments your sisters made were that ridiculous anyway, to be honest. She's probably heard something about not eating unpasteurised cheese in pregnancy and got confused, and most people are surprised at how often young babies need feeding (new mothers included).

If you find your relatives are making unwanted comments, just say 'You wouldn't believe how many people have told/asked me that!' to make them think before they speak again.

Are your family British Shatner? DH's family is and when we visited them they were great, no comments, only sensible friendly questions. My family are very different - they comment on everything - your weight your hair everything. To give you an idea, I was at a family party a couple of years ago and two of my uncles had a big discussion about my weight. One said "X do you think Writer is too thin?" the other said "Oh yes she's too thin, she shouldn't lose any more weight, don't lose any more weight writer, you're too thin." As you can imagine that sort of thing is easy to brush off once or twice by I have 15 aunts and uncles! And that's not even counting their husbands and wives!

Thanks loopy. Good idea about the weight thing - he is gaining loads so I think I'll use that!

I went to a wedding on my husband's side when my baby was 3 months old and was quite anxious as they are all formula feeders. I took some lovely big pashmina/scarves to drape over my shoulder and took myself to a quiet corner to feed. Some of his family surprised me by coming to sit with me when I fed. My husband thought this was weird but I thought that they didn't want me to feel excluded and sit by myself.

I think that close family will want to talk to you about breastfeeding, especially sisters as they will want to know what its like and its not something that everyone is comfortable in discussing. Some women feel that they need to defend their decision to bottle feed and I find that they can be defensive about this decision, you don't have to say anything. I find that a comment of "Oh that's sad, but s/he turned out really well" is good in response to the "I couldn't breastfeed".

The weight suggestion is good. Also the "I'm too lazy to deal with the bottles" is a good one. Some people get funny because they feel that you should be able to pass the baby over to the husband for the feed. You can say something like "Oh don't worry, he gets to do his share of the nappies".

But on the whole, just let it wash over you. They are not criticising you - they are just indulging in the sport of parental advice giving. I get advice given to me in the supermarket about cradle cap so its not just breastfeeding that you will get unwanted comments on. Smile, thank them for their advice then forget it.

Good luck xx

Thanks ewille. I think I just need to psyche myself up and as you say let it wash over me otherwise I know I'll get mad and say something snappy which is the worst crime ever in my family!

Well don't forget that you are a new Mum and people will expect you to be tired and emotional so don't worry about being on your best behaviour. My family is the same about snappy comments etc but when my sister upset me (she really didn't do much, I was just over tired, hungry and sensitive) my Mum gave her a right telling off for upsetting a woman in a delicate condition and she was really sorry. That was a first!

You will see that everyone has an opinion on every aspect of parenting and sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it just drives you mad. I took my baby to the Doctor because the woman in the supermarket told me that she might be lactose intolerant! She isn't.

Is your partner going with you? Hopefully he can help deal with the comments too. Just supportive noises help. And just think, some of those people who see you feed might be influenced to try it themselves when they have a baby when they see how easy it is.

My standard comeback is to why I am bfing still is "I am cheap and lazy".

I do not want to wash bottles and I will not pay for something that I can make for free!

Oh and it is best for baby, enables me to lose weight while eating like a glutton and is good for my health too, blah blah blah....

I am currently bfing DC3 and have bfed for a total of about 34months (not continuously). I have said that line many, many, many times and it works for me!

I had a bit of this when I went home to Ireland at Christmas, as all friends and family seemed to have been formula fed.

However, an aunt of mine that I don't usually get on with had a lovely conversation with me about breastfeeding and how she did it and loved it. Also my mother who was a bit funny with me breastfeeding admitted after a drink that she had to give up bfing me after a week because it wasn't working and her friend had just died. I realised that her funny attitude was really guilt on her part that I was bfing and she hadn't.

Relax, some people will be weird but other people might surprise you. Also, my sister says she is going to bf now (her baby is due in a couple of months). I don't think she would have thought of doing this if she hadn't seen me bf, so it's nice to set a good example!

Please don't give up because of this. As for the questions, they seem interested and just try to answer the questions as best you can. Loopy's advice is pretty much how I went about it.

If you are really nervous about bfing in front of everyone then can you go into a quiet room? Really though, you have nothing to be nervous off. You know that nobody can see anything and the times I've had relations come over to take the baby off me for a cuddle when I was bfing only to be told, "actually they are in the middle of a feed". Most people will just assume you are cuddling your baby.

Enjoy your trip and don't let other peoples comments on your parenting spoil your trip. If they weren't commenting on bfing they would only be commenting on how you ff anyway.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support :)

nervous of.

I would also try to answer genuine questions/curiousity.

As for stupid or critical comments, try to let them wash over you, be non-commital and don't get drawn into an argument.

Is he feeding again? Yes
Breastmilk doesn't have any benefits after X months. Mmm, interesting
He's got you wrapped around his little finger! Ah, that's ok
You should only be feeding him every 4 hours. Oh, really?
Smile and nod :)

Writer, don't give up bfing because of this. I am in Ireland too but luckily for me, come from a very pro-bfing family on my Mums side and would have no problem bfing at the dinner table, no-one bats an eyelid!

On my Dad's side they are different and seem to see ffing as an improvement on bfing. However, the message is being put across everywhere that bfing is good and natural and even the most seasoned ffers know that breast is best.

I think the main thing is just to appear quietly confident in your own mothering skills. If someone comments on how often he feeds I would say something like
"Oh yes, this fella loves his grub!" and laugh.

My mother used to get a bit het up in front of my aunts who are nuns and would start faffing with blankets but funny enough the aunts themselves told me afterwards that they remembered their own mother bfing, that it was the norm in the country and that it didn't bother them at all!

You might be pleasantly surprised!

Thanks guys. I'm going to be talking to my mum later so I might sound her out and see where she stands on the whole thing. If I have her on my side it'll make things a whole lot easier. It's funny when I started BFing I thought the difficult part would be doing it in public but actually I've found it much much harder to do it in front of friends and family as they're actually talking to you and sometimes find it hard to hide their discomfort. I know it's their problem but it makes me uncomfortable to see them squirm. One friend completely lost my respect when I told him on fb chat that I was feeding DS as we were chatting and he said "Don't tell me that" and made out that it was too disgusting to mention - never mind the fact that he couldn't even see me!!

Hope your Mum is supportive, Writer. It's nice to have someone to stick up for you.

Writer, if you want to reassure yourself about bf and feel empowered, get a copy of The Politics of Breastfeeding and read it - best book I have ever read in terms of how much it helped me!

Good luck - my in-laws were exactly the same at first but once I explained about cluster feeding being normal and was polite-but-firm about takin ds off whoever was cuddling him when he cried for food, everything settled down again.

Oh I feel so sorry for you. I had to really battle to establish bf (problems with mastitis etc). DS took ages to feed too.

My mil (whose milk 'inexplicably' dried up after 3 weeks) followed and still believed the advice to limit it to 5 mins each side. And had no understanding that DS did sometimes take 45 mins to feed.

My mother didn't want to bf which was convenient as they advised her not to as bottle feeding meant you could see how much milk they were taking.

In the middle of mastitis and other recurrent issues all I got told was to give up as why was it worth it.

But it is worth it. Repeat that to yourself!

Will you be going with anyone who can help defend you a bit and step in and take some of the 'fire'? Sometimes just having someone stand in your corner.

Otherwise I would remove myself to the bedroom and sometimes mumble about possibly taking a nap, checking my emails or doing a change or baby massage after so it obscured how long the feed took.

You shouldn't have to do this but when you're tired and have a baby you've got to pick your battles.

And feel free to resurrect this thread if you've got Internet access and we can shower you with encouragement so you know you're not alone!

I don't judge people for their feeding choices as being the parent of a baby us flippin hard work but you deserve to be respected for your choices.

As an aside (and I'm not political in terms of bf or bottle) isn't it really sad that we've lost our community involvement in families that thing like bf are a mystical thing to teenagers. I was the same in that I hadn't really been involved in helping with any other children before I had DS.

Part if me thinks being a new parent would be so much easier if children were raised in more of a community so you grew up seeing normal things like a baby feeding, changing and growing up.

Rant over!

Thanks everyone, your support does help! My mum and her sisters tend to be very critical of each others' parenting, so I know what I'm in for! They're very much of the 'don't spoil them, don't make a rod for your own back' school of thought so I know I'm going to get eyebrows raised about how often I feed him and how long it takes. I know with some relatives too that I'll have to wrestle him off them to feed. They'll want to jiggle him around and play with him (which he HATES when he's any bit hungry) and then when they toddle off home I'll be left with a seriously angry baby! Grr. Oh well no point in getting myself worked up about it before it even happens. I'll probably be back on this thread when I'm in Ireland moaning and whinging lol.

Do you feed on demand or to a fairly predictable routine? If it's a routine then set an audible alarm on your phone fiveibs before so they can hear it's nothing personal when you have to take him off them and you could say jokingly "hey ho the alarm calls!!"?

Just a thought?

That's a good idea Doodle but it won't work for me as I feed him on demand and there really is very little pattern to it (apart from the fact that it's pretty darn often!)

Ok that's fair enough. Your son knows what he wants!!

Well know that you've got us supporting you even if no-one in the room does xx

"Oh yes regular feeding is good sign, plus any excuse for a cuddle!"

"Well naturally a drink that is healthy is healthy for as long as they need it but after a while they'll be getting solids too" :D

" Yes we (trying to be inclusive) do produce lovely babies don't we" Big smile

"Well for me this works, I'm lucky, I needn't bother with any expense of powder"

"Health visitor is very pleased with him and comments on how well he's developing"

Keep in mind that you might not be able to relax enough to "let-down" if you find this happening dont worry and that it'd be nice to give yourself a break from the crowds. Don't feed in the loo, find a nice comfy clean quiet room or if it gets a bit much pop the radio on in the car. I used to pop upstairs to the bedroom, or if I was out I'd quietly ask a member of staff if there was somewhere quiet and clean I could sit most folk are very very understanding. Pack lots of easy access tops and dresses, really helps!

Be really proud that you are able to answer their questions and let any bad comments be like water on a duck's back as those sort of comments are often designed to justify their own decisions, much like bullying.

Chin up and best foot forward!

Writer, do you have a nice cousin or sister you could draft in to help you out?