I'm the last one EBFing, at 5mo, in my group of mums. Beginning to feel uncomfortable...

[missrose]

Out of the 9 or so mums I've met since DD was born, I'm the last one still EBFing. Some of them have had a really difficult time with getting BFing established, mastisis, tongue-tie, thrush, etc, and a few just didn't want to do it any more. This is all fine - each to their own I say.

However, I am beginning to feel a little bit isolated. It doesn't help that DD is very easily distracted when I'm feeding her so is on and off the boob, trying to suck her thumb at the same time, trying to look over her shoulder. It's very cute but it does look like I'm struggling with her feeding whereas all the bottle fed babies seem to take their milk a lot more calmly.

One of the mums said that they thought I was a puritan for not giving any formula :( I don't feel like a puritan or that I'm making any sort of statement by not giving formula. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable now when I see some of them and I don't really know that many mums to hang out with. There's always conversations about how relieved they are they've stopped which just make me feel a bit embarrassed.

I enjoy BFing, my DD enjoys it, and I'm glad I persevered with it. It took six weeks for me to get to a point where it wasn't agony. I just wish there was someone else in my social group who I could identify with.

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry there's been others who have experienced the same thing. I hadn't realised what a big deal how you feed your baby is - surely it's just one aspect of being a parent and a very personal one at that? I was counting the days until I could wean so that I wouldn't be just BFing my DD - how crazy is that?! Luckily I've moved on from that and plan to enjoy what we have right now.

I've just done a very quick Google search and found out that there's LLL meeting once a month 30mins from where I live, which I could get to pretty easily. Thanks for the suggestion, at the moment the only real support I have is from my sister who lives 200 miles away. The LLL and NCT helplines were brilliant when I was trying to get started so I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to go the meet ups!

I suppose because the other mums are all in the same situation they naturally want to talk about their shared experiences. It makes sense that I should try to do the same so it will have to be somewhere else, with different people.

Thinking about it over the last few days, and the comments on this thread, have made me realise I'm nowhere near ready to stop yet. I'm very tactful when I meet with my group as one mum really wanted to BF but couldn't so it's great to be able to admit here how important it is to me and how much I love being able to do this for my DD. When I started I honestly didn't think I would feel like this about it - those feel-good hormones have a lot to answer for! It's great to hear from those of you who have gone to a year and beyond. I'd really like to try and carry on for as long as my DD wants to and I think I will need to meet other BFing mums for support if everyone around me has stopped.

Hopefully in a month or so my friends and I will have moved on to talking about weaning but as I seem to be the only one thinking about baby led weaning that's another can of worms to look forward to!

you will definitely meet others as your baby gets older. my baby group friends have stopped Bfing now, but are not bothered about us carrying on and we stay in touch. can't believe you were called a puritan!

my DS is 18 months old now so i go to another toddler group and I'd be the odd one out if i wasn't Bfing a baby or toddler. it's been nice to chat to people about it, everyone is especially glad of being able to Bf their toddler when they're ill and not eating for example.

sorry for rambling but it does sound like you and your DD are doing great and happy. :)

Well done and just try to focus on the benefits for your little one- all my friends are still bf and all our babies are 12 months plus - so it is very normal for many.

I think people just say daft things and don't mean to be hurtful but often when people make a choice they seem to want to suggest what they have done is normal......just human nature.

We all know bf is the best start nutritionally and 2 years is what is recommended. I think what ever bfeeding people do is a bonus and if you are finding it easy just keep up the good work- and if you feel uncomfortable you have given your baby a brilliant start. There will be other mums doing extended feeding, you just happen to not know them maybe.

I do wonder if it is a cultural thing- I have not met one mum yet who is either forumla feeding full stop or stopping bfeeding before 12 months-you would get the opposite reaction here if you gave up voluntarily( which I completely understand is best for some mums).

But I did find in the Uk more mums who seemed uncomfortable to breast feed and gave up pretty quickly which I just observed- i think different cultures have an implicit pressure to do what becomes the norm.
I was in a park last summer b feeding in London and I got some very odd looks from women- my ds was 7 months and my friend's was 12 months. They looked like it was the most shocking thing they had seen in a long time.
People tend to follow the group somehow even when it is not the best course of action.

I'm breastfeeding a 2-1/2 year old (it's winding down though) and have never used a pram, which seemed to generate snidey comments from neighbours with babies.

I don't hang around with mums though. And no one has said anything out and out rude to me to my face.

OP, I just wanted to say to you enjoy your time bf your child and don't let other people influence you - make your own decision about the right time for you to stop. My DSs are now in their 20s and I still remember with such happiness the time that I bf them - until they were each around a year old. Such lovely days and they are now such big strapping chaps!

Does your local children's centre have a bfing group? Mine had one which was just like a normal baby group (toys etc) with a free cup of squash and a biscuit except there were HCPs on hand if people were having any problems, but mainly we just sat and chatted while the babies had some tummy time. I think most of the friends I made there carried on bfing to a year or so (all but me stopped now though! :))

I think you are doing a fab job. Come and hang out with me and watch my 6 month old DD try to shove her TOES in her mouth as I give her a bottle, and then spit milk everywhere when she laughs for no apparent reason whatsoever. You'll feel on top of things once you've witnessed that .

It's a defensive thing - I've never come across it in real life, but post on another smaller forum and am the only breastfeeder. People feel like it's a comment on their choices.

Get comments not directly made to me, but alluding to anyone who perseveres and puts up with more than one wake up a night as being a bit of a martyr. And the usual 'happy mummy happy baby' chestnut. Well, I'm happy and so is b/fed 7mo DD.

It's such a small period of time in the grand scheme of things - it's important to me, and I'm just glad to have been able to do it for both my DC (fed DS until he was 13 months, and intend to go longer with DD).

I gave up on my NCT group because of this issue. I felt very isolated and unwelcome and it seemed as though they all felt they had to justify their choice to me even though I wasn't that interested in discussing it.

Some of the problem was that it seemed my choice to bf past 6 mo led to a set of other choices that were also seen as odd ie not doing controlled crying, BLW instead of puree, carrying her in a sling and holding her a lot so it was more than just bf or ff. My whole style of parenting didn't fit.

I don't regret not keeping up with them but I do regret not finding some more like minded people to hang out with as it has meant I have no 'mummy friends' as such. DD is almost 4 now but I'm due DC 2 in June and I hope to be a bit more discerning from the start now that I know what my 'style' is.

As some others have said isn't it funny how people feel the need to comment and have an opinion on such personal issues. Sod off. Why can't you just support me as a person in my decision making and not make snide comments just because you feel insecure about your own short comings ?!

I have breastfed 3 children for about a year each. I feel happy with my choices and it's a shame that some people can make you feel bad for wanting to give the best for your baby. It's not just nourishment. It is reassurance and trust that you are building in your relationship between you and your baby.

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

I read a tip recently that said you could just say that you baby is alergic to formula (if you feel the need to say anything). I am back at work in May and will need to pump. I am a computer programmer and work with men, and so keeping my milk in the fridge will not be ideal. I guess I'll use a brown paper bag or something so they don't feel uncomfortable, but I am worried about the comments and apparently legally I have to tell my (male) boss this is my plan too. Geez. Not particularly comfortable about it, and I'll feel I have to justify it (which is stupid). He's very nice - it's just we don't have an HR department and so everything is direct to him.

mamadoc - too bad you don't live near me as it looks as if we are on the same page !

Controlled crying ? (I can't bear to hear any child crying). I actually frequently fib to my HV as she is obsessed with this. Yes they are sleeping through (none of children slept through until I weaned them completely. It was an obvious comfort thing, but I told my DH from day 1 - I will never let them cry it out and so that was that.

Luckily I don't need much sleep and Yes (eek) I co-slept from day one with two of them.

Anyway...I'm completely off the subject now !

Yes breastfeeding is great when it works and everyone is happy !

Why do people get so hung up on how long to breast feed, PLEASE just do what works for you and your child.

DD1 hated breast feeding and was never really EBF.
DD2 said she'd give up when she started school, she didn't. When did she give up, I don't know, she nursed occasionally for comfort till she was 9, when did she last get any nourishment, neither of us knows. Continuing was totally her choice, I assumed one day she'd simply decide she was too old and not ask again. I never thought she'd take so long. Yes I could have chosen some arbitrary day and said sorry we're stopping but I'd have needed a reason to give her and I didn't have one. She knew the last of her friends gave up age 5 and she knew that was because her mum got fed up of her wanting to feed in the night. DD2 had known better than that since she was 3.
In the end there are two reasons she carried on so long. The practical one that knowing when and how to BF, as she got older, came as naturally to her as breathing and secondly she is a glass half empty person (quite the opposite of me) she knows the world is not always a nice place and I think BF for so long was her safety net (In every other aspect of life she is more grown up than DD1 despite being 3 years younger)

It happened to me too! Just remember that the group you are in is a small group, and loads of us have been where you are now. 1st time round I felt uncomfortable with the distracted on off feeding while everyone else was bottle feeding. By no4 it didn't bother me any more its just how I parent / feed my child.

I found the phrase "I'm quite happy with things just as they are thanks" helped, with subsequent babies "Oh I always feed them until they decide to wean" with the unsolicited advice about stopping feeding and helping my friends get their baby's bottles warmed/ feeding their babies formula made them realise I really wasn't judging their choices, I was just happy with my own for me.

:)