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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

I'm the last one EBFing, at 5mo, in my group of mums. Beginning to feel uncomfortable...

39 replies

missrose · 18/03/2011 17:36

Out of the 9 or so mums I've met since DD was born, I'm the last one still EBFing. Some of them have had a really difficult time with getting BFing established, mastisis, tongue-tie, thrush, etc, and a few just didn't want to do it any more. This is all fine - each to their own I say.

However, I am beginning to feel a little bit isolated. It doesn't help that DD is very easily distracted when I'm feeding her so is on and off the boob, trying to suck her thumb at the same time, trying to look over her shoulder. It's very cute but it does look like I'm struggling with her feeding whereas all the bottle fed babies seem to take their milk a lot more calmly.

One of the mums said that they thought I was a puritan for not giving any formula :( I don't feel like a puritan or that I'm making any sort of statement by not giving formula. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable now when I see some of them and I don't really know that many mums to hang out with. There's always conversations about how relieved they are they've stopped which just make me feel a bit embarrassed.

I enjoy BFing, my DD enjoys it, and I'm glad I persevered with it. It took six weeks for me to get to a point where it wasn't agony. I just wish there was someone else in my social group who I could identify with.

OP posts:

talkingnonsense · 18/03/2011 17:40

I don't have any advice, but I've been there and just tried to be pleased that I was doing what I thought was best. I fed till 12 months and really missed it when I stopped, so keep going and ignore them! X

RitaMorgan · 18/03/2011 17:41

By 6 months I was the only one still breastfeeding in my group of friends too, luckily I was never made to feel awkward/embarassed about it. Maybe try finding a local La Leche League meeting to meet other breastfeeders?

moonstorm · 18/03/2011 17:42

I was the same after all our dc1s. This time round, I've had questions - I think some people regret stopping sooner and I wonder if they will feed for longer this time.

You are not a puritan - you are normal. (In the sense this was what you were designed to do)

Read 'Politics of Breastfeeding' It's your baby, your relationship don't worry about others.

CountessVonKnackerstein · 18/03/2011 17:45

Just enjoy it! Are there any more baby groups around you could join too? Or is your midwife / hospital offering a breast buddies group? That's where like-minded mums meet up regularly.

TuttoRhino · 18/03/2011 17:46

This happened to me as well but I knew I wanted to continue and I concentrated on what I wanted. Yes you can feel awkward at times, which is bizarre given bfing is the normal thing to do.

I just didn't get into conversations about it with people who had stopped.

japhrimel · 18/03/2011 19:35

Maybe find new bfing friends? NCT meetings are usually good for meeting a range of Mums.

coldcomfortHeart · 18/03/2011 20:36

Agree with the others about finding another group you can go to alongside your normal one- NCT, or local health centre bf support group, LaLecheLeague, etc.

I know how you feel though, until DS was 10m and I moved I was the only bf I knew and the situations were exactly as you describe (although I was never called a puritan which is terrible!)

latrucha · 18/03/2011 20:42

Whereabouts are you? A bf group / different baby group would be good.

Love your description of your DD feeding. Sounds very cute.

What you say

"I enjoy BFing, my DD enjoys it, and I'm glad I persevered with it."

is precious. Hold on to it.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 20:52

The problem is, as with any choice you make in parenting that is not the same as your friends', is that some of them will choose to interpret that as a criticism of their decision to do something else. They would like you not to EBF, I suspect, to reinforce their decision to stop.

I had the same think from two friends who both started off EBF but had both stopped entirely by the time their babies were 4 months old. Fair enough - entirely their choice; but my choice to breastfeed until DS was nearly 2 was utterly unthinkable to them, and they seemed to have no idea at all that their comments about "bitty" (yes really) were hurtful and unkind.

MummaHG · 18/03/2011 21:07

Hi missrose, well dont on BF your daughter- its really a magical time isnt it!? Im BF my 6 month old and wouldnt like to feel uncomfortable with my friends so im sorry your friends are making you feel like that.
Please just sit back, look at your beautiful daughter and remember she has grown how she has because of you and your determination to BF, keep going be proud- dont worry what others say or think! :)

pearlgirl · 18/03/2011 21:26

Well done on establishing bf with your daughter - I am bf ds4 who is 11 months tomorrow and plan on continuing until he self weans.
The choices you make are about what you want to do with your baby and affect you and your baby alone - some people will be supportive and others won't or may make the odd comment - but at the end of the day it is between you and your baby. it might help to find a bf group and meet some people who are also bf. I have actively sort out like minded people this time as I have an 8 year gap between no3 and no4 and all my friends are at a very different stage in life and it has helped me through some wobbly times.

DancingThroughLife · 18/03/2011 21:43

I think Georgimama makes a good point - some people think that your choices are a direct comment about their choices, but I don't understand why that should be

I've been on the receiving end of it too - DD is almost 10mo and a colleague (with a 9mo) keeps telling me 'one carton of formula won't hurt, and then you can have a night out'. Which is probably true, but a) I'm not bfing because formula might 'hurt' ( wtf???) and b) if I go out, I've got a freezer full of expressed milk. And c) I worked bloody hard not to give up bf in the first 6 weeks, I'm not going to waste that now.

I think I would politely point out that you haven't passed comment about her feeding methods and would thank her to do the same. Or the MN classic - "Did you mean that to sound quite so rude?"

swanriver · 18/03/2011 22:12

I remember ds was a bit fidgety at that age, and got easily distracted, but it was really just a phase and he went on happily breastfeeding for ages after. When your children get older you will find there were lots of people you never met at the time who breastfed for longer, just you don't know them now ifyswim...your circle will get larger and larger as your children attend school and nursery.

That is just to reassure you that you are not odd.
Also you can be friends with those who don't breastfed, as it isn't the defining attribute of a a good or bad mother.

It works for you, enjoy it, please - that is the best way to sell bfng to others..Who knows, they might bfd longer with their next babies when they see it works for you..

AngelDog · 18/03/2011 23:41

:( on the puritan comment. It's none of her business. I'd go with DancingThroughLife's suggestions.

I've often been asked how long I'm planning to bf, whereas I've never asked any of my friends how long they're planning to bottle feed. I have felt quite the odd one out at points.

All my NCT group had stopped completely by 6 months and also had lots of conversations in my hearing about how 'liberating' switching to bottles was. I think some people just aren't very tactful, or if they've had a positive experience of stopping, want to pass on that positive experience. Or they feel slightly bad about it so feel the need to defend themselves (even though you've not said anything).

DS is 14 m.o. now and no end in sight for us yet. Most people have stopped asking me when I'm going to stop. :)

Ozziegirly · 19/03/2011 00:29

Don't forget, most people aren't making a comment on your choice by making idle conversation. I am pretty sure I have asked how long someone is planning on breastfeeding for, in a "I am vaguely interested, but just making conversation" way, rather than a "I judge you and am trying to make you feel bad" way.

theborrower · 19/03/2011 10:18

"I enjoy BFing, my DD enjoys it, and I'm glad I persevered with it." :)

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you feel isolated because you're the last BFer in your group, but well done for persevering with it.

As someone who had a frickin' nightmare with it from day 1 and consider myself a failed BFer, I just wanted to maybe look at things from their point of view. Admittedly, their comments sound a bit rude (puritan? WTF?), but could their comments about being relieved that they stopped may also be covering up their sadness they did and are maybe jealous of your BFing success? Any time you feel embarassed, just remember what you said above and repeat it - you have nothing to feel embarassed about, you've done amazingly well and if you and your DD enjoy it, then keep going with it :)

nethunsreject · 19/03/2011 10:23

I go to the local bfing support group (Bfn here) when I need to feel 'normal' as bfing past a few months is not the norm here. SO I get where you are coming from.

It may be that your mum friends are making a big deal out of you 'still' EBFing in an unconcious effort to justify their own choices? I know I was like that with ffed ds1.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 19/03/2011 10:44

Well done on keeping going. As others have said the key thing is that YOU want to continue, not what others might think of that choice. I would tell them how much you are enjoying it, be honest. I think georgimama and nethunsreject hit the nail on the head, that they are trying to justify their decision.

FWIW, I am still BF my 11 month old, and although most people round here so start, I am very much the exception to still be feeding at all by this stage. He has never had formula, and I am back at work full time. It works for us. A couple of people have commented and called me hard core. But, their tone is the thing, they've sounded impressed and meant it as a positive thing that I have been committed enough to keep going.

5 months is a really tough point with BF, I found. They are utterly distracted by the world, and where a bottle can be moved round with them as they turn their heads, a breast can't. For a few weeks round that point, I did stop feeding publicly, as DS would get the milk flowing then stop and leave me with it spraying round the room.

mrsgordonfreeman · 19/03/2011 10:49

I had the same experience and to be honest I stopped attending their meetings.

I felt awkward and out of place and realised that I had very little in common with them: I could not join in with their conversations about teats and complaints about the cost of formula tins.

mrsgordonfreeman · 19/03/2011 10:50

Anyway, it's not "hardcore" or indeed "hard" at all. FF seems much more complicated.

TheProvincialLady · 19/03/2011 10:56

I always think these kind of situations demand one of two responses. Either stop seeing them or start saying how happy you are with your decision and assert your right to ask others not to comment on it (to your face).

5m is very early on in parenting and you have another 18+ years of people with opposing views wanting to make you feel bad or switch to their way of thinking - so you may as well get used to doing things your way regardless now!

And I second going along to a LLL meeting.

GracieGirl · 19/03/2011 13:25

Hello! Well done for BF to 5 months. I agree with finding a LLL meeting to find other Mums to talk to.

Like PLW says around 5 months can be a funny time, they are very interested in whats going on around them and have learnt how to latch on and make it squirt across the room! I was very selective where i fed around that time as i wasnt good at dealing with peoples unhelpful comments.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 19/03/2011 14:12

mrsgordonfreeman I agree. To me, FF was much more time consuming. I only mention 'hard core' because said in the wrong way, it makes it sound like people are criticising, and see you as some kind of "BF extremist". Those who have said it to me are definitely trying to sound positive. It's in the tone of voice.

NinkyNonker · 19/03/2011 15:56

I do know how you feel. Dd is nearly 8 mo and we're doing well on the baby led weaning but she is still breastfed and never had formula. Out of all the babies at my various groups she is the only one, I've had lots of 'i had to get my life back, was too busy etc' snidiness, which I think is rude Ds I've never batted an eyelid at others' feeding choices.

SharkSkinThing · 19/03/2011 17:22

I think lots of people have 6 months as their cut-off (I know I did), perhaps due to having to return to work. But I just didn't think either of us was ready to stop at that point, so I'll see how I feel at 9 months - tbh, he has the appetite of a Trojan for solids, so I don't think it's going to be hard to nudge him away from the boob when the time is right!

DS is nearly 8 months and I'm loving bf'ing him still - it's so easy, it fits in well with solids (we're also BLW), and he seems to be dropping his feeds of his own accord, nice and naturally. This time will be gone so quickly - both of my friends with babies the same age stopped at 6 months and both regret it. It's such a special thing, even though it's knackering and at times demanding!

Just keep going and stop when you want to stop! I go to my local Milk Drop-in every week, and i find that really supportive.

Well done!! xx

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