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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Please reassure me that I am not a complete failure and others have done the same. :-(

34 replies

CrapBag · 12/02/2011 21:29

I didn't BF DS, Have been BF DD who is now 5 days old. Today we have given up and gone on to FF.

She latched very well and was great to feed at first. Problem is I have always hated my nipples being touched. I was putting up with it with the gaps between feeding but when it came to cluster feeding, I was cringing and dreading it. Last night, after 7 and a half hours of constant on/off feeding, it got to 2.30am and I gave DD a bottle, she still took well over 2oz but finally settled. BF at 6.30 then early afternoon she fed 3 times and was still wanting more so gave her 3oz and she again settled for hours.

Spoken to MW. I have been crying since yesterday and this lack of sleep (I also have M.E.) and constant feeding have really got me down so we agreed it was best to move on.

I just feel like a failure tbh. It was going so well but on balance, I need all the energy I can get to look after DS (3) and DD and the very frequent BF wasn't going to help. I feel like all I am doing is justifying myself. DH thinks FF is the better way to go, after seeing the total state I got myself into.

I just want to hear from others who have been through the same.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 12/02/2011 21:41

Congratulaltions on your DD. You have two lovely DC - where is the failure in that?

I didn't bf DS, much as I had planned to and wanted to. Long and complicated story that involved me crying to a paed and mw that "breastfeeding is so good for babies...." as they wheeled my week old son to special care. He is now 2.5 and full of beans.

You've tried. You've got M.E. You've got another child. As you must know by now with your DS, there are many ways to nurture your baby. You need to do what works for you and your family. Don't beat your self up, you don't deserve it.

Good luck with your lovely new family!

doughnutty · 12/02/2011 21:46

Don't feel bad. Please!!

You have given your DD a very, very good start and you haven't 'given up' or 'failed' at anything. Formula is not the work of the devil as some people would have you believe. It is a lifesaver for many, many people, myself included. You've made a difficult choice which is what's best for you, your family and your circumstances.

It's hard, I know, but no one is judging you more harshly than yourself, and, given time you will accept your decision.

Imagine you were reading your post but someone else had written it. What would you say to them?

TCOB · 12/02/2011 21:48

Have no experience to offer other than to agree you have nothing to feel bad about - you tried and discovered it wasn't going to work, so you are going down another route which is more likely to work for you and your baby. Congratulations on your lovely girl and I hope you get the rest you need to enjoy her to the full.

OnlyWantsOne · 12/02/2011 21:56

You have not failed at all.

Congratulations on the new baby!

My DD2 is 10 weeks old today and it's been a long hard slog to get here and still be breast feeding. With DD1 I gave her a bottle on day 4 as like you, was exhausted and frustrated and frankly felt like crap

You have done so well - be kind to yourself - and speak to your HV who can help you more - be careful you don't get mastitus though on top of everything else xxx

ethelina · 12/02/2011 22:03

You gave her the colostrum which makes you a real success .

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2011 22:13

Breastfeeding can be totally knackering and you have ME and another child as well! You gave it your best shot. I very very nearly made the same decision. I'm not sure why I didn't in the end, but a big factor was having DH at home in the daytime to pick up the pieces. Without that there is no way on this earth I could have continued - and I didn't have ME. Please don't feel like a failure, because you are not. x

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2011 22:16

Congratulations on your DD :o
Can you talk to a breastfeeding counsellor? They can talk you through your options, or if you have definitely made your mind up they can help you get over your feelings of failure and the need to justify yourself. You really don't want this hanging over you and ruining your first few days with your DD.

Tryharder · 12/02/2011 22:18

Why is it either/or. You can do some breastfeeds or you can express and offer as much milk as you are able to get out in addition to formula.

I mixed fed DS1 and was happy with the compromise.

Noone will judge you for giving up bf but make sure giving up is really what you want.
I gave up bf DS1 when he was 3 weeks old because I hated, hated bf and found it incredibly stressful. But I expressed from time to time and eventually started bf again when he was about 10 weeks old and continued to mix feed until he was over 1.

I'm not a bf nazi before anyone accuses me of being such but I would recommend a longer term approach. Good luck and congrats.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2011 22:37

Normally I would be suggesting something similar Tryharder. But in the OP's position, with her illness and a 3 year old, I think she needs some certainty. When I was on the verge of giving up with DD one thing I most certainly wasn't considering was a lot of expressing and/or mixed feeding. I do agree with the sentiments though that you, OP, need to be absolutely sure that this is what you want. It may well be helpful for you to chat things through with a BFC.

EldritchCleavage · 12/02/2011 22:50

OP, I managed to bf DS for a while but had to stop. I did keep it going for longer using ebf and mixed feeding. You know, I only did stop, despite the hell it was, when my lovely sisters (bf'ed all their DC) and mother (couldn't bf any of us) gave me 'permission'. Daft really.

I felt bad, but I haven't failed him. I did my level best. He's fine and your DD wil be too.

AliGrylls · 13/02/2011 00:10

If you have genuinely done your best then there is no reason to feel a failure.

However, maybe you should try mixed feeding, even if you only end up giving a couple of bf's per day.

The plus side of doing this is that it gives you an option of going back if you start to feel strong again whereas once you stop completely that is it and also the times my DCs were sick over winter with norovirus / various other illnesses, breast milk was the only thing they were able to digest.

heidipi · 13/02/2011 07:05

sorry to hear you're having such a tough time OP, but congrats on your new baby. It sounds like you have made the right decision for you and just need some reassurance that you're not alone - you're definitely not!

You might find the support for those FF thread helpful - while I've been struggling i've found it great for some much needed perspective. Here it is - if the link doesn't work I've bumped the thread too.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1022940-Support-for-those-FF?pg=1

Take care of yourself and enjoy your new baby and lovely toddler.

BlackSwan · 13/02/2011 07:11

You're not a failure!! It's so tough. I lasted 9 days and was on the virge of collapse. Once I started FF I felt so much more capable of taking care of my baby and myself.

Everyone's bodies are different. My nipples were so destroyed by BF - I couldn't bear the pain. The lack of sleep was torture too.

Once you get past this you will be fine. Congratulations - I hope you can start enjoying your baby now!

MrsSnaplegs · 13/02/2011 07:23

Hi I also have ME, a young baby (9weeks) and a dd (5) so know a little of how you feel. Don't in any way feel bad about using ff - I had really horrible thrush over xmas and ended up using ff for a break for a couple of days. I am currently mixed feeding depending on how I feel it hasnt seemed to alter my supply but we do give a regular ff at night and ds has been sleeping through so I have been very lucky.
I also have a lot of support from dh who is normally a sahd so I don't have to worry about anything other than ds and myself. This allows me to pace properly and nap when I need to. I would suggest if you are trying to cope during day on your own whilst dh/ dp is at work then go with whatever helps you best, most important thing for your children is mummy is well!! Look for a poster on here called sirboobalot she also has me and seems to be a bfing star, not sure how she copes but she may have some top tips from the me perspective
Good luck, pm me if you need more support

MrsSnaplegs · 13/02/2011 07:27

You are in no way a failure! Repeat this mantra daily! I am a good mother and providing for my children!

Original poster

CrapBag · 13/02/2011 10:35

Thanks everyone.

My MW did talk me through mixed feeding but I felt it was all or nothing and even though it would have been nice to continue some BF, it seemed like a.....can't think of the words...I don't mean pain but it didn't seem that feasible so we have moved on to FF. DD is sleeping much better, for a bit too long but we are trying to get this sorted, and she also has her days and nights mixed so that isn't fun, I just hope it gets sorted before DH goes back to work.

It seems like a weight has been lifted and I know I did what I could. I do feel I could have persevered but given the absolute mess I got in (I cried for a day) and I know how sleep deprivation gets to me and affects my M.E., it seems more important that I get some sleep and rest and be there more for my children.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 13/02/2011 10:36

heidipi thank you very much for the link/bump. I'll have a look at that later.

OP posts:

tiktok · 13/02/2011 12:40

CrapBag, it is utterly normal to have mixed feelings about stopping bf - to feel relief that something difficult and uncomfortable has come to an end, and to feel sad and even bereft because of the loss of the experience of breastfeeding.

You sound as if you have made the decision taking all aspects into account, and your wish now is to feel positive about the way you feed - 'cos that is important.

If you have another baby, you now know the main reasons why breastfeeding is so very difficult for you. Not being able to bear your nipples being touched seems to be the 'killer' - everything else you could probably have coped with ok as time went on. If you feel strongly that breastfeeding is something you would like to do, if you could only feel comfortable about this fundamental aspect of it, then between now and your next pregnancy, you might be able to get help with these feelings. What do you think?

Hope things get better for you today and from now on.

breatheslowly · 13/02/2011 13:16

Congratulations on the arrival if your DD and making a strong and positive decision for you and your DD. I switched to FF at 5 days and have never looked back. It has been great for my relationship with my DD. I will be FF any future DC too. One of my friends is a pediatrician and I found it a great help that she said not to worry if BF didn't work out and in her opinion it didn't make much difference, my GP said the same. My DD is now 5 months and absolutely thriving.

You are definitely not a failure - if you were feeding your DD coke or making her formula up with water from the toilet, then you might be a failure. But you are safely providing care and nourishment for your DD who you clearly love.

pinkyp · 13/02/2011 13:58

I cried my eyes out with ds1 too-it was too much stress and i felt like a failure but i wasnt -neither are you! you gave ur dd the colostrum -all your antibodies,lots of babys dont even get that! You could perhaps keep one or two bf's going if you wanted to.Please dont beat yourself up

BikeRunSki · 13/02/2011 15:56

How are you today Crapbag? I cried for three weeks when I stopped bf DS, when he was a week old, and that was on medical advice.

Original poster

CrapBag · 13/02/2011 19:42

I am feeling so much better today thanks. DD is taking longer gaps between feeding. Only problem is she has her days and nights the wrong way around, bit of a pain. I never had that with DS.

As DH points out, DS wasn't BF and he is completely fine and has a great immune system, doesn't catch half the things that his friends do and most of them were BF for a bit.

It has made a huge difference I think. I was dreading feeds even though I enjoyed the bonding with DD, the thought of how much it was going to make me cringe just kept making me tense up each time, then one of my nipples stuck to the breast pad and a had to pull it off which was awful then it was bleeding.

I have always had a 'thing' about not having my nipples touched. DH has never been allowed to go near them, I have never been able to touch them, putting on nipple cream was awful for me the other day so I am actually amazed that I managed it at all, I guess its because DD latched on instantly and did make that bit easy for me, whereas DS still couldn't latch 15 hours after he was born and his blood sugar had dropped to just above dangerous so I just didn't bother.

OP posts:

gaelicsheep · 13/02/2011 19:48

I'm glad you're feeling better CrapBag. It sounds like it was the right decision for you. Will you please change that user name now and stop being so hard on yourself!

GoldenGreen · 13/02/2011 19:50

Wow, you have done amazingly well to even get to 5 days given how you feel about your nipples being touched. Glad you feel better about it all now. I really hope you can move on and just enjoy your little girl.

Original poster

CrapBag · 14/02/2011 10:47

Gaelic this was actually my name before. Just made me laugh in the episode of friends where Mike says his name is going to be CrapBag.

OP posts:

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