Fed up with BF'ing! Feel almost like i've been lied to tbh!

[SleepDeprivedGrumpyBum]

Title says it all really!

I'm thoroughly fed up with exclusively BF'ing my DS. He point blank refuses to feed from anything other than me and its driving me crazy!

I think i'm beginning to resent BF'ing a bit and feel like a was purposely misled by all the HCP's who were advocating BF'ing whilst i was pregnant. Why is nothing ever said to prepare you for how hard it is? when DS was between 2 - 4 weeks and he was feeding almost constantly i felt like a freak and that it shouldn't be so demanding and challenging. It's only through coming on here i found out it was perfectly normal!

Also all the gumpf you get about not giving bottles until 6 weeks as it will affect yout supply! Why does no one mention that its highly likely that your DC wont take a friggin bottle at that age? I would have liked to have known that so i could have made an informed decision. (especially when it seems such a common problem judging by the number of threads on the topic)

It just feels like i'm the only person who can care properly for DS. Bedtimes, night time, early morning i have to do them all! DP would happily do night shift if he could but its just not possible.

I know its a bit selfish but i just wish i could have some time to myself. Or to at least feel like it was an option. Feels like i've lost all choice as to how i feed my DS, and i'm backed into a corner having to continue to BF :(

Sorry rant/moan/winge over

How old is your DS. I agree its hard, i found childbirth a walk in the park compared to feeding

DS is 12 weeks today. So still got the 12 weeks growth spurt and the 4 month sleep regression to look forward to.

I dont find feeding difficult on a physical level, DS and I havn't had any problems. I'm just really struggling with the responsibility and the relentlessness (is that a word?) of it all IYSWIM

"Why is nothing ever said to prepare you for how hard it is?"

Because BFing is very easy for some people, very hard for others and there's no way to predict accurately which way it will go before you try it, perhaps.

Easy or hard, it's all normal and there's a wide range of experience on MN.

:( :(

Fact is, giving a bottle early on has no guarentees your baby will accept one later...and many babies do accept bottles at later dates, anyway!

The relentlessness of responsibility goes with the mothering territory - you might have felt equally 'backed into a corner' with ff, despite help with the night shift from your DP.

Things will get easier. Breastfeeding is (usually) more demanding and time consuming at the beginning than ff, but later on, the sheer convenience and speed of bf makes it less demanding and time consuming.

By now, it should be possible to have some time to yourself - a 3 mth baby can stay with a trusted and loved carer for a couple of hours or more without distress. They will not be hungry or thirsty in that time, or at least if they are (slightly) they can be distracted in a way a 6 week old just can't be.

Can you plan for an afternoon off this week - or a morning off at the weekend?

Also - there is nothing inevitable about 12 week growth spurt of 4 mth sleep regression. They might not happen to you :)

I totally understand where you are coming from as I felt exactly the same. I don't think people lie, they just are frugal with the truth possibly so they don't put you off. The danger of this of course is that once you start and realise the difficulties yourself, you start to believe something is wrong. This, imo is the reason why people switch to the bottle.

You can also find examples here on MN, it really irritates me when I hear the response to 'my baby is feeding constantly' as 'oh don't worry, he/she may be having a growth spurt and is ordering more of your milk in!' Of course your baby isn't conciously ordering your milk in, he's feeding constantly because he possibly is having a growth spurt and isn't getting what he need from his usual individual feeds so is hungry!

Yes ultimately this feeding will 'order more milk in' but the actual reason he is feeding so much is because he's sodding hungry!! Again I think we're afraid to admit this in case it encourages people to give a bottle instead of constantly feeding to up your supply. (N.B. I am aware that babies also feed for other reasons than hunger but this refers to the growth spurt thing)

BF is bloody hard work and you are doing amazingly well exclusively feeding your DS. I hope someone comes along with some great advice to make your life easier!

I felt just the same when DD was 12 weeks old - but now she's 8 months and I am planning my return to work, I am dreading moving on to formula during the day as it's all such a huge faff and it's so much easier to just boob it!

I feel your pain - but it's not for ever. DD never took to a bottle but easily accepted a cup. You can start the cup in a few weeks.

Earplugs - yes, indeed, the baby may well be hungry when he feeds like this. No big deal. He is feeding, and he is satisfying his hunger quite happily by being on the breast....it only becomes a problem if people thing 'oh my god, he can't possibly be getting enough if he is still hungry, he must need a bottle!'

Analogy coming up:

I come in from the garden on a really hot day, looking forward to a lovely cold drink. I down a glass of water, glug glug. I need another glass because I am still thirsty. Mmmmm. Half an hour later, I am thirsty again. Someone sees me having a third glass of water. Do they say, 'oh my god, that previous water can't have quenched your thirst properly - there must be something wrong with the water...maybe it isn't wet enough or something! Here, have this tomato juice!'

No, they don't. They assume I must be thirsty again and need more water :)

And yes, the baby is also 'ordering up' more breastmilk as well as satisfying his hunger at the same time!

You have my sympathy. I'm feeling pretty exhausted with the relentlessness too although now he's a bit older (5 months) it's more the having to entertain him than having to feed him.
When I'm really desperate for a break, DH can take him out for a couple of hours at the weekend, and something we've done recently is I've slept in the spare room and DH has been in charge overnight and just brought ds to me for feeds. It made a big difference to my night's sleep!
I really do feel it's worth it though, and it won't go on forever. If you want to read something to help motivate you and make you feel good about bf, I really recommend The Politics of Breastfeeding

and by the way, he had a bit of a growth spurt at 12 weeks but it was barely noticable compared to the 6 week one! They're all different and it might be plain sailing for you from now on (we can hope anyway!)

Well if it wasn't breastfeeding, it would be something else, right?

All those relentless nappy changes. All the washing/sterilising/filling bottles. All the changes of clothes. The washing and drying and ironing. The picking up, playing, putting down, running after, getting this, that and the other because their last slave died of exhaustion!

I'm afraid raising children is relentless!!!

Sleepdepreived - sorry to hear you are having a hard, but well done for bfing. The benefits of bfing really are true, no-one is lying to you about them.

Some women find bfing easy, some find it very hard, but in my experience, it does get easier.

I have a friend who introduced one bottle a day from when her dd was a day old, and after about six weeks, her baby never took a bottle again. I have another friend who bf exclusively until she went back to work when her baby was four months; her baby had never taken a bottle but coped fine when she was at work.

I agree that it is motherhood that feels relentless sometimes and if it wasnt bf it would be something else. Try and make some time for yourself, go for a walk or have a bath to clear your head if you are feeling trapped. You need to schedule time for yourself when you feel like this even if it is only for an hour on a Saturday morning while your baby is sleeping. I find going for a walk with the pram during the day is a good opportunity to be more "alone". Personally I found and continue to find bf a blessed 10 minutes relief when I do not have to entertain or run after him!

I know where you're coming from (my DS is 14 weeks) - I do find the nights exhausting, as when DS wakes me I know it's only me who can help him - DH can just roll over and go back to sleep, whereas if we were bottlefeeding I'd be making him take his turn! But today I went to a postnatal group for the first time and we did baby massage, and all the babies were hungry afterwards. Most of the women were bottlefeeding and queuing up for the bottlewarmer or getting out thermos flasks of hot water and so on, and while they were getting everything ready the poor babies were crying with hunger. I must admit I really felt the convenience of breastfeeding when I was able to latch DS straight on and get him fed straight away while the other babies were still waiting.

And as others have said, think of the other positives - feeding is a time to sit down and put your feet up in the day (I'm working my way through DVD box-sets at feed times, only chance I get to watch them!), you can take baby out all day and not worry that you've not packed enough formula with you, no washing up of bottles, no worrying that you've run out of formula on Sunday evening when the shops are shut...even if you're not thinking about the health benefits of breastfeeding there are plenty of positives!

Don't worry, it'll all get easier ....in about 5 years...

And remember, one day you'll get your own back on DH...I make mine get up and make breakfast in bed for DD and me at the weekend these days to 'make up' for all those nights I got up to bf!

I know you're finding it difficult right now, but having a young baby is relentless whether they're breastfed or not. If health visitors went around telling people how difficult breastfeeding is that would give a really negative image and would mean even less mothers breastfed.
If it's really making you miserable try and introduce a bed time bottle or something to give yourself a break. You'll be able to get lots of good advice on here about how to get a reluctant baby to take a bottle. But I honestly think breastfeeding is much easier than ff. It's always on tap, no prep required.

Well my DD took to bottle fine despite me not starting for the first 6 weeks. Last 2 weeks decided to give her a regular bottle every evening (formula) as she's often feeding every 2 hrs through the night and not settling in evening. First 3 nights great - and sleep improved as well as giving me break hurrah! Then - will she take a bottle, no like buggery will she.

I get where you are coming from! I want to go out, even for a just a wee bit without worrying. And she's not even a screamy/difficult baby, just won't take bottle. But don't worry will not be forever, and stick with trying to get him to take bottle/cup, they change so much over the following weeks that he might just get it. Can you give it to your DP as a project to try and get him to take a bottle?
(My DD is 6 months btw, have 2 yr old DS who never refused bottle, in fact never refused milk from any receptacle. I don't remember him waking up every 2hrs either but maybe I blocked it out)

I can sooo sympathise - not so much from a BF perspective but my first wouldn't settle for anyone but me and screamed even if DP took him. So I was responsible for all the feeding, rocking, sleeping etc - and he was a rotten sleeper and had awful nightly screaming sessions for hours on end until he was 5.5 months and it was All On Me. It feels claustrophobic and exhausting and frustrating. I'd give him to DP while I had a bath but even with the door shut and music on I could hear him howling.

Anyway, long story short I persisted (not that I had any choice in the matter but anyway!) and he was BF until he was 2.3 in the end. Around 6 months he started settling for DP, he'd be happier for longer between feeds, and I could chill out about it. It became a really lovely positive thing.

I can identify with your feelings, I really can, but I think a lot of it is the new baby thing of this inescapable responsibility - BFing is just the most obvious peg to hang it on, but the feeling of corneredness is common to lots of new mums however they feed. It passes. You've not had very long to adjust to this and I can promise that the tough baby days are soon left behind and before you know it you'll be delighting in an amazingly independent and wilful toddler instead :)

Sleepdeprived - it is hard eh? here is my 'deal' with my dh:
I ebf for as long as I want (currently dc4 8 months old) and do EVERYTHING at night - dh is never woken.
However as soon as I stop he does ALL THE REST so all those settlg into new room nghts, wetting the bed nights, nightmare nights, arsing about nights, he has to do!!!
Got to say I have the best deal by far
It wont last forever!

As people have said, I think it's often about the responsibility of looking after a new baby rather than the bf as such.

At that age I was pretty down with the relentlessness of it all. DS would happily accept a bottle from DH - but wouldn't sleep for anyone but me, so by the time he'd fed it was only about 30 mins till he needed to sleep again. By the time I'd expressed the missed feed it was quicker just to feed him.

I found I got a more positive perspective with time - I'm now a SAHM who co-sleeps with my 13 m.o., and he won't allow himself to be left with anyone other than my busy DH, so he's with me virtually all the time. It's fine and I enjoy it - but at 12 weeks I was fervently wishing I could have a break (and at that point we weren't even co-sleeping).

My DS didn't have a 12 week growth spurt, and a number of people have said to me "4 month sleep regression? What sleep regression?" so take heart. :)

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic and flippant - WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD.

It's hard, often unrewarding, boring, relentless etc etc.

My DH has a rather annoying phrase if you ever moan about not getting anything done or not having time for yourself. He says "there's 365 days in the year" (Yes, he is a twat). But he's sort of right - this first few months of your baby's life is hard but in the scheme of things, it's not for long.

It does get easier (sort of).As others have pointed out, bg gets massively easier. My DD is 6 months and feeds about 5 or 6 times a day for about 10 minutes at a time. So feeding takes me about an hour all in all. I'd rather be doing that than sterilizing bottles and measuring formula...

I'm not sure, actually, that this is all about the nature of motherhood and you would feel like this without the BFing (though I'm very biased on this point because my experience of BFing has been pretty bad, and I'm now very stressed because I have to go back to work next week and leave my bottle-refusing DS).

If you'd be coping alone with your baby's needs whether you BF or not, then yes, the stress would probably be the same whatever. But if your DP would take over and let you sleep, and he can't because of the BFing, I think it's reasonable to think the stress is BF related. And I have to say that even when it gets physically easier, it's still a ball and chain (DS is 6 months now). It's frustrating when someone else is more than willing to take over and let you have a break, and it just isn't possible.

My main stress is the work thing, because that's actually important for all of us as a family, but a minor source of annoyance is that I keep having to turn down invitations to things I really want to do because I can't leave the house before bedtime, while DH can go out in the evening whenever he wants (not that he does, much, but that's not the point). It does add to the feeling of being trapped.

No, it's not a universal experience that if you EBF the baby refuses a bottle later. But it's a pretty common one. And I do wish someone had mentioned to me early on that, if you're taking less than the full year's maternity leave, this can be a problem. It might well have affected my decisions about feeding, because the present situation isn't good for me or DS. (Yes, he's had the best start he can nutritionally, but I suspect emotionally it could have been an awful lot better.)

I have no helpful advice, I'm afraid. But huge sympathy: you're not the only one who feels like this.

Trapped, overwhelmed, p'd off doing most things alone, headaches from crying, fed up settling baby for someone else to randomly excite it, lonely, unable to shower without military precision or booking it in with partner first is all stuff that drives me insane with frustration.....

....and then dd smiles, coos and giggles and it all very briefly melts away

Hang in there, sounds normal! Write more posts when really stressed!!! :0)

I have also found BF a lot harder than I thought it would be although its getting easier now it's a bit less constant and my nipples aren't sore (was crying through feeds a few weeks ago). Have also said many times 'why does noone tell you it's hard?'. I hate my non wired bras too!

One of the midwives at a BF support group said to me that actually bottle feeding mums are often more tired as they hand the bottle to someone and do the hoovering, while BF mums can sit in front of the tv guilt free during feeds! Falling back to sleep after night feeds also easier.

Thank goodness for forums like this for encouragement!