this is so hard

[bigkidsmademe]

hi everyone

I am so sad and frustrated about breastfeeding and would love some advice from anyone. I was so convinced I would bf and be good at it and do it for ages and now, with DS only 16 days, I am already wavering and am just so sad about it

things I am struggling with are

• he feeds continuously. Cluster feeding in the evening, but also continuously throughout the morning. My nipples ache so much, and I am confined to bed. But that's not the bad bit - I don't mind that. What I mind is that after hours of feeding, when he comes off he still roots and cries desperately. He just does not seem at all satisfied and it breaks my heart that I'm not feeding him enough (although his nappies are fine and he has not lost any weight from birth). Are there any ways to deal with continuous feeding? Does this stop or get easier? We are doing skin to skin for hours every morning already and feeding on demand.

• when, in the mornings and evenings, he is in his heavy feeding time, he wriggles a lot while feeding, pulls off so abruptly it hurts massively and then instantly screams to go back on. He is so active and seems in pain but is not at any other time of the day. This upsets me a lot

• sleep. We've started giving him a bottle of formula at midnight as this allows me 3 hours sleep for the only time but I know how bad this is and feel so, so guilty about it and its effect on my supply . I know I should cut it out but I don't know how I'd cope with even less sleep.

• emotional demands of feeding. I'm struggling now even though DH is still off work, doing all the cooking and cleaning and bringing me sandwiches and tea in bed. How will I manage when he's back at work? I used to be so organised and high achievign and the fact that the house will be messy and nothing done is something I really struggle with. I know this is minor but it gets me down!

I'm sorry for moaning (yet again) when generally things are going well but I can't keep crying about it all day so tears splash off his little head

So I guess I'm asking just for any little bit of advice, about anything, just to keep my chin up? Does it get easier? If I stopped now I'd never forgive myself if this was the worst bit and in a few more weeks it would be easier.

thanks everyone

Keep it going. So many of my friends gave up at this time but i carried on and by 3months it was so much easier night feeds were a doddle and your not getting out of bed to make up formula etc etc I did feel at times like i was going to be feeding until he was 18 but it goes so quickly my DS is now 9months and I stopped about a month ago and I really miss it. You sound alot more positive now from your last post so well done you. Just enjoy having a new born snuggle in it wont be long before your having fingers up ur nose in ur mouth other nipple being tweaked like a radio knob haha.

My DS fed constantly too, but now he's 5 months and some days, he only has about 4 feeds!! If you'd told me that 5 months ago, I would have laughed at you!! and now, I kind of miss being confined to the sofa, as I don't have an excuse not to do the housework!

Please hang on in there - I feel such a sense of acheivement seeing how big and healthy he is and knowing it's due to BF.

Also took me ages to figure out he wasn't always hungry (only 99% of the time!) Sometimes he just desparately wanted to be put down to sleep.

you are all so kind

I am feeling a lot more positive about it all. Now if I can only sort out the pulling away and wriggling issue feeds would be great. Tonight he is doing it so much I ache from the yanking of my nipples and he is so upset at the moment but can't stay on for more than a few minutes

What is the reaction if you stop the feed and burp when he starts fussing/pulling? Mine fuss and pull when they're finished feeding, so if you don't get screams of rage after a burp, it could be that he's full?

I would also like to say that I was one of the 'one handed Starbucks mums' earlier in the week. I fed one twin while the other slept, ate my cake while that twin sat and giggled in the pram, then woke the other and fed him. I would probably have looked like a calm controlled pro to an onlooker, but it could so easily have degenerated into a chaotic, pukey, screaming shambles . I was just lucky that it didn't (this time). In contrast, my lunch in the library cafe was eaten standing up with a screaming baby in my arms - not calm and controlled at all (and rather messy as my lunch involved baked beans ). These two events were two hours apart on the opposite sides of town.

Moral of the story is don't believe that those 'perfect mothers' in Strarbucks are any different to you.

@HappyAsASandboy- you're so right.

I remember seeing a good 'quote' recently by a breastfeeding counsellor. She said that most mothers are like swans- they look like ttheyare gliding along serenely, but underneath their feet are paddling along furiously.

Well something like that... you get the idea

circlehead, so true - I worry these days that my ds doesn't feed enough, and feeds are too short. Difficult to imagine that a few months ago I was spending 12 hours a day feeding him

I love mumsnet - you are all wonderful.

I have no more worries about starving him - we just got back from the midwife and he put on ELEVEN OUNCES this week. The wee guzzleguts

she said he is an exceptionally windy baby so we've bought some infacol and I've signed up for a baby massage class. Hopefully this will help him and stop him squirming while on the breast.

thank you so much everyone - really.

That's fantastic on the weight gain - well done both of you

Well done! Just to second some of the posts above, with hindsight I realised that some of the marathon long feeds I had at the start were about comfort not milk. I used to worry he wasn't getting enough milk (despite massive weight gain!) and his latch was failing because feeds were going on for so long and there was no swallowing, but then I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that his latch was perfectly good at the start of a feed and he was perfectly able to guzzle huge amounts of milk then. Babies are clever and work out how to change their latch to avoid getting milk when they just want comfort. In my experience, this altered latch becomes a bit sore after a while - not excruciating pain as with a poor latch (which I also suffered from to start with) but more of a friction feeling. I allow him 10 mins then switch to cuddling. He's never been willing to take a dummy.

In relation to the fussing, I think this is common at this age. I don't know whether there actually is a fussy stage or whether mums just need a bit of time to learn their baby's cues. I found it got a lot easier a few weeks in when I could interpret his signals.

My DS (12 weeks) tends now to fuss for 3 reasons:

1. he's annoyed that he's getting milk when he just wants to comfort suck - he'll cry and spit out the milk

2. he has wind and needs to burp - his behaviour will be similar to the above except that he will make more desperate efforts to go back for more milk after each episode of coming off/crying in order to ease the pain in his tummy (sometimes after the burp he does really want more, sometimes not)

3. he doesn't want feeding (or even comfort sucking) at all and is just really overtired; however he doesn't know that he needs to sleep and mistakes his feelings for hunger - in this case he will cry when he begins to feed, not just when he gets an unexpected mouthful of milk, and the cries are more sustained

In the first few weeks he would also cry due to forceful letdown. This would be at the start of a feed and accompanied by choking, poor thing. This has resolved itself - he is now a huge monster
of a baby able to guzzle it up.

Your baby could therefore be fussing for many reasons and he may react differently to mine, but the good news is that you should find it gets much easier as each day passes. I think part of the beauty of the breastfeeding relationship is the great opportunity it gives one to become closely attuned to one's baby and their cues. In hindsight I wish I'd clocked onto things earlier, but I don't beat myself up because I know that I was new to it all and doing my best for my little one, and it is all part of the learning process.

Personally now if my DS is fussing I try to wind him first. After a few minutes, whether or not I get a burp up, I put him back. If he still fusses I try for another burp (just in case it didn't come up first time) but then conclude he doesn't want food and either rock him to sleep or try distraction with other activities. If he is overtired it will take a lot of rocking before he will go to sleep and he will mistake his feelings for hunger and make attempts to go back to the breast. If after several opportunities he isn't feeding then I just know he's not hungry. I'll let him suck if the comfort sucking is helping him, but if not he just needs to be held while he gets some of the aggravation out of his system.

Sorry for the long post, and I hope this helps.

bigkidsmademe- wow what a fantastic weight gain.

It must feel good knowing that you did that

I am a bit pleased with myself and very glad I didn't give up now, no matter how hard it is it seems to be working!

Lonesome, thanks a lot - that's really, really useful. Right now he's asleep in the sling which DH tried, I thought he was still hungry. Need to learn those cues a bit better still!

Glad you are finding it easier. Re learning the cues, it is a real process of trial and error and don't worry - he'll give you plenty of practice at it! I wish I'd realised some of the things I now realise earlier - it took me 5-6 weeks to begin to learn how to deal with the fussiness - and of course they are changing all the time so one never stops learning! It is amazing though.

Well done and enjoy!

I too could have written this post. My dd is 3weeks + 5. I have so nearly just bought some formula, but I would feel such a failure as feeding is all I actually do, as my dp too is off work and does everything else, including most nappy changes. He goes back on Tuesday and I am dreading it. Although I am trying to see it as an opportunity to get into my own little routine and if I do manage to get more stuff done myself it may give my self esteem a well needed boost.

I always thought that if I had problems feeding it would be with pain/technique/supply, but I too am finding it hard for all the reasons you describe. So sorry I can't give you any advice but you are not alone. I too am trying to take comfort in the fact that all but a lucky few seem to have the same problems and all say it gets easier with time. x

p.S I had a similar thing. My dd put on 15oz in a week! I was reassured that you can't overfeed a bf baby though!

hi Glittery

it's crap isn't it! DH went back this morning, eek. I too though see it as a chance to get into a little routine and also to build my own confidence up - I defer to him a lot as he is from an enormous family and is wonderful with babies!

Good luck tomorrow!

Guilt is the worst thing, isn't it. I give him one bottle amd hate it

I could have written this a few weeks ago too. Just wanted to say well done for sticking with it, you should be proud of yourself. The first weeks are mad but do improve - for me it was in week 4 that I suddenly thought I could see light. All that sobbing on the baby does pass, damn those hormones!

Don't mean to sound smug bigkids, but my dd has suddenly changed overnight! The night before last was the worse night ever, and I ended up in tears on the phone to my mum yesterday morning. Her and my Dad came and took her out for a couple of hours with a bottle of EBM to give us a break, and I managed to have a bath and a meal completely undisturbed! Anyway when they came back they had not needed to give her a bottle. I fed her at 3pm, then again at 6pm then again at 9pm, and in between she slept waking exactly in time for these 3 hourly feeds! I managed to get some housework done between and everything! I also managed to express a decent amount, so I went to bed at about 10.30 and left dp with her as he had had a good long sleep in the afternoon while she was being so good. She needed another feed from me at 1am, 4am and 7am and went down and slept straight away in her moses basket after each one! After the 7am feed dp took her downstairs as he had slept through the night feeds and I slept until she needed her next feed at 11am!!!!!

It is like a miracle has happened! So again, I am not posting this to be smug but just to show you that things can and do change very quickly sometimes! And it was just when I thought I really couldn't actually take it anymore. I'm sure I asked my mum on that phone call if she could adopt her, and I'm not sure I was joking. Of course I am aware she may just as suddenly change back but here's keeping fingers crossed...

She is 4 weeks tomorrow btw. x

Btw I am GlitteryBalls with name change due to festive season being over - just realised my post may have seemed a bit random!

oh hurray! that's great news for you and great hope for me!

Last night was also good too. DP went back to work today and we all had a fairly decent sleep. This morning has been good too. Am feeding now, but she has gone 2-3hrs between each one! Hope it all gets better for you soon. Are you persevering?

Hi I'm now at week 9. At the point u are I was also in bits, tears bouncing off dd head, frustration, tiredness and every emotion under the sun. U sound very normal to threads I read and still see on here. It gets a bit easier as time moves on I promise. Then u find new things to meltdown over! I spent first 4 weeks reading this topic area only. Some days wouldn't have got thru without it's support even if not my post! Keep going it does get better and good luck!!! :0)

thanks!

I'm celebrating today as he slept in his basket last night for the first time, and I didn't give the formula. Hurray!

It's already easier this week than last!

Hurray- glad things are coming together nicely.

well done you. it does sound like your ds was feeding for comfort/pain relief as well as milk - mine did that too - that yanking off and wriggling and screaming was awful because you feel like you're not giving them what they need. Baby massage a great idea. And going outside in sling too. So glad to hear this week's easier. It will keep on getting easier (there may be some setbacks along the way - illness/growth spurt etc.) but by the time he is 4 months or so, the BF will be so easy that you find it hard to remember the difficult early days. congrats x