BF - what if you and DH disagree on pretty much everything?

[pinata]

DS is nearly 8 months and I am reluctantly letting DH move him onto bottle after BF struggle, plus i'm going back to work

The struggle was to do with DH, rather than anything physical, once I knew what I was doing. I'm still pretty upset by it all but wondered whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether DH is

So, DS is a crap sleeper (3 hrs between feeds is good going) and also pretty windy. DH blames these problems largely on BF and me somehow not doing it right. He thinks DS should be sleeping through (based on dds 1&2 who were ff doing so by this age)

I was desperate to bf but agree with him that ds could do with better sleep. However I disagree that bf is the issue.

We've had enormous rows about it, with him calling bf a "failed experiment", and insisting that I am doing it only for myself and that I should have stopped months ago. I feel passionately that I am doing the best for DS and that a lot of the gas and sleep is beyond my control

I want to keep bf at least a bit even when I return to work, but DH is fed up and angry and our relationship is very up and down over this

has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm so tired and fed up but obviously don't want to get divorced over it! What do I do?

No advice really but sympathies. I know dh sees bfing as the cause of a lot of our problems (ie lack of sleep & ensuing crabbiness in me). He does say he looks forward to when I stop but can see that it important to me and is trying to be supportive.

oh poor you! i have had a similar problem with my DH. i can almost hear my DH saying 'failed experiment' too. Hang on and i will find the thread about it.

the short answer is, eventually i gave in and weaned ds2 (at 2.9 yrs!) and his sleep DID NOT IMPROVE. (ds1 mostly ff, good sleeper). And i am bitter about it. And i get angry thinking about it still.

here

ding/1046884-Weaned-2-9yo-now-won-t-sleep here
here]]

and also another thread here

What do the rest of your family think about it? Are they supportive at all? I got most of my support from a good bf group and on here. made me feel i was doing the right thing. but so hard when dh not on board. and not easy when you already have emotions about returning to work and leaving your ds.

i did return to work briefly when ds2 was 7 months, i found a convenient 'excuse' that made cont bf 'acceptable' to dh and family. for me it was a long flight at 9 months, even though that wasn't the main reason i wanted to continue at that point.

sorry. i'll try again for the second one

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_fee ding/1046884-Weaned-2-9yo-now-won-t-sleep here]]

ding/1046884-Weaned-2-9yo-now-won-t-sleep arghh

(i'm giving up, sorry. it is linked to in the third thread)

You poor thing :-(

My DS1 was EBF and slept 7-7 from 3 months old (with no regression).

DS2 is EBF and has yet to sleep for more than 4 hours in a row at 6 months.

Point being, every baby is different. It's not how you're feeding them.

Well done for getting him this far, but realistically assuming he's getting solids now, adding in formula will surely make no difference anyway? And just make your nights harder?

I BF but he gets a bottle at night before bed. Wind wise he is much worse with the bottle than with BF'ing. I barely ever have to wind him when I feed him but when my OH gives him his bottle of formula he often wakes a few minutes after being put down screaming due to wind. So that argument put forward by your DH isn't valid at all I don't think.

I must admit that my DS sleeps better after his bottle before bed but I don't think that's due to formula and more to do with the quantity - I don't seem to produce much in the evening so he tends to graze as opposed to ever getting full up. So I'm not sure the formula = sleep is a decent argument either.

I'm fairly sure my DP would like for me to stop since he sees how much I'm pinned to the sofa with it and feels it would be easier to FF (which it wouldn't be) and also for selfish reasons of getting my boobs back! Are you sure that this isn't the reason with your DH?

thanks weasle - the rest of both our families have always been very pro bottle, as we were all ff. All my bf friends did it because they found it so very easy and never seem to complain of the kind of sleep problems we're having with DS

The thing is, DH isn't anti BF really, but he seems to think I am am not "diligent" enough to make it work. OK, I have fallen asleep on the job a few times at night, and maybe that has caused some gassiness in DS.

I actually fed him secretly last night while DH slept on the sofa... but that's obviously not a long term solution. Plus, DH thinks to get him to take the bottle he should have it at night feed, when he usually has a big feed from me

I'm pretty sleep deprived and find it hard to find reasons to keep going when we argue. I think I may have gone from just wanting to bf to seeing formula as poison, which is stupid, as DDs are perfectly happy and healthy following ff. This is why I'm unsure whether I'm digging my heels in too much, or whether DH is being unreasonable. I've lost all perspective.

I never thought I would feel so passionately about not wanting to stop, but the bond I have with DS is just a thousand times stronger than I ever imagined it could be, and I feel like keeping going with bf a bit when I'm back at work in a few weeks will help maintain it...

yup - quite a lot like your thread, except 2.1 years earlier!

ha ha - no, my boobs scare him right now, picklesarnie. I think he's worried he'll get an eye full of milk if he goes within 6 feet of them

I do want to be supportive of him giving DS bottles, but I had forgotten the faff. Going out today we needed all sorts of flasks and powder and sterilised stuff. When I go back to work, DH will be home with DS, so I suppose it is important that he can feed him some milk

Trouble is, the boy loves boob. He is only gradually becoming interested in food. In my ideal world, I would go to work and do night feeds, but if he's up every couple of hours, I will obviously fall asleep at my desk

We've had 3 nights now of DH doing bottles, after a last feed off to sleep from me, and the first 2 nights were slightly better, but last night was crap. I've had to go into another room to stop myself a) bf and b) getting into arguments (although I have enjoyed the sleep)

ha ha - no, my boobs scare him right now, picklesarnie. I think he's worried he'll get an eye full of milk if he goes within 6 feet of them

organiccarrotcake I keep telling him they're all different, but 2 x good sleepers seems to be a statistically significant sample in his world, and hard to argue with when they were both ff...

I do want to be supportive of him giving DS bottles, but I had forgotten the faff. Going out today we needed all sorts of flasks and powder and sterilised stuff. When I go back to work, DH will be home with DS, so I suppose it is important that he can feed him some milk

Trouble is, the boy loves boob. He is only gradually becoming interested in food. In my ideal world, I would go to work and do night feeds, but if he's up every couple of hours, I will obviously fall asleep at my desk

We've had 3 nights now of DH doing bottles, after a last feed off to sleep from me, and the first 2 nights were slightly better, but last night was crap. I've had to go into another room to stop myself a) bf and b) getting into arguments (although I have enjoyed the sleep)

It's difficult because while it should be your decision when it impacts on the family dh should be able to have an opinion. However it sounds like you would really regret it if you stopped & you might end up resenting dh.

this is the thing, bumperlicious, DS is obviously his as much as he is mine, except I am the only one with boobs

I just feel so emotional about it, and have nobody to talk to in RL. Most friends ff, nobody has ebf for as long as I did ( which again makes me think maybe this has been about me as much as it was about doing the right thing for DS)

I don't want to be unreasonable, and I have a feeling that I am being, since DH is willing to do nights and let me sleep. But I am so sad as I had hoped bf would be a good thing, rather than a reason to argue all the time. I do resent DH, but he also resents me for not letting him try another way, so I guess it cuts both ways

I just feel horrible watching DH giving DS a bottle when he so clearly wants boob, and is physically fighting it off.

what does he think you should be doing differently with the breastfeeding? How on earth should you become more diligent?

I am mystified by these comments.

Could you consider sleep training, i.e. witholding feeding at night and settling him back to sleep when he wakes (I did the baby Whisperer) and see if you can get him sleeping through the night that way?

You could then continue bf him in the morning and at night. I returned to work when DS was 14m old, and this is what I did. Still bf him in the mornings now, although he has cows milk last thing at night. (15m old now)

P.S. i should add that my DS used to wake at least 3 times per night, but after just a couple of nights where I refused to feed him he got used to it and started sleeping through. I think waking up and feeding had become a habit.

I know it sounds harsh, but I think it's a better solution than giving up bf altogether, in the hope that he might start sleeping better. (Which he probably wouldn't!)

Ditto pps - don't let this stop you BFing or you will resent DH.

Your DH's comments sound irrational and based on unconscious negative feeling towards BFing and perhaps also a little jealousy that he has not been able to feed ds until now.

Tell him that he's being over emotional (hysterical perhaps, depending on exactly how annoying he gets) and that you have made an evidence-based decision that BM is the healthiest food for DS at this stage. If he wishes you to stop BFing he should present you with a robust scientific case for his proposals.

I use this very sparingly with relatives who get a little over-zealous in pressing stupid opinions on us. It has been effective.

Your DH is being very unfair and I doubt that the breastfeeding is, of itself, causing your son to sleep badly. And as for telling you you're "doing it wrong" - unless he grows a pair and gives it a try himself I don't think he is qualified to comment.

As for the sleeping, well I think an 8 month old (without bad reflux etc) probably should be sleeping a bit better than that. My DD1 was one of those miracle sleeping babies, DD2 was a total rotter and at 6 months went about 4 hours at a time. In the end, when she woke for a feed at 3am after she'd started weaning I ended up cuddling her and pacing but did not feed her until 6am. I was horrid as she cried for ages before dropping off from tiredness. But she slept through after that - I think the waking was habit and she was getting full up at night so eating less in the day. Once I had refused for a night things righted themselves. I was prepared to stick to it for a week (although I was on my knees with exhaustion) but did not have to. It's not for everyone but getting tough helped me - and it helped me go back to work without being shattered.

Re being more diligent - he means watching ds like a hawk as I feed to avoid his nose getting to close to boob and watching that he doesn't gulp any air. Ok, I admit I do other things while feeding but doesn't everyone? I'd lose my mind otherwise, especially during extended night feed

I have run the whole breast milk being best argument, but the bad sleep almost contradicts this. His view is if it was so good he would be satisfied and sleep. The thing is, his sleep is truly crap and he does often wake because of gas. He slept great up to 12 weeks, but not since. DH thinks he should now be able to try his way (bottles) after letting me try for weeks and weeks and getting nowhere. Can see his point - but it upsets me. Hence I can't figure out who is being unreasonable and at what point health benefits of bf are outweighed by increasing anger and resentment between us. It's not been good for our relationship to differ so completely

I have tried withholding but dd2 is right next door and there's a limit to how loud I can let him get.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. I don't get how a man could get so angry and uptight about his child getting the best possible nutrition. He should be grateful to you for giving his son the best possible start in life. I am sorry, but the more I think about it, the more I think he is being a total knob. I mean, there are so many things in this world to get worked up about and breastfeeding is truly not one of them.

What on earth does he mean by being diligent. I sleep when DD is breastfeeding at night and assumed that most women would. And given the fact that your DS is alive and kicking at the age of 8 months as a result of your breastfeeding him, you are clearly not doing anything wrong.

I have never got all this giving a bottle so the poor ickle DH doesn't get left out thing (thus reducing the DH to the status of a toddler). Breastfeeding (or not) is women's business. Tell him you will bf as long as you feel it necessary and that you will tolerate no further discussion. If he tries it again, just blank him.

I fed both my DSs well past the age of 1 and I was working full time. They had bottles when I was at work and boob when I wasn't. It was truly very easy and do-able.

your DH sounds incredibly patronising. if you don't think BF is the problem then don't give up on his say so. try and find out what IS the problem.

If it's gas, as in farting, I don't think that is associated with the amount of air taken in. It's a digestive thing. Fennel tea (drunk by you) is supposed to help.

Your DH is being a pillock IMO.

Tell him you will keep feeding for as long as you feel it is the right thing for DS and for you. By engaging with his stupid behaviour (checking how you are feeding etc) you are allowing him to feel that he is legitimate in what he is doing.

Is your DH planning on doing the night feeds if you switch to ff?

Yes, he has been doing night feeds with no more success than me in the waking stakes. Hourly last night, then said he thought this wasn't "too bad"

thing is, it's easy to say tell him it's none of his business. In practise, it makes our formerly lovely relationship crap. He doesn't just say "oh ok then" and leave it at that - we end up just bitter with eachother all day long

I am still feeding morning and night. Sometimes the gas does get gulped in, I can hear it, but I can't stop it. We have a good latch etc.

He was supportive at the start but he has now lost his rag on it.

I suppose we both expected more sleep by now.