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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

BF - what if you and DH disagree on pretty much everything?

39 replies

pinata · 05/01/2011 19:47

DS is nearly 8 months and I am reluctantly letting DH move him onto bottle after BF struggle, plus i'm going back to work

The struggle was to do with DH, rather than anything physical, once I knew what I was doing. I'm still pretty upset by it all but wondered whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether DH is

So, DS is a crap sleeper (3 hrs between feeds is good going) and also pretty windy. DH blames these problems largely on BF and me somehow not doing it right. He thinks DS should be sleeping through (based on dds 1&2 who were ff doing so by this age)

I was desperate to bf but agree with him that ds could do with better sleep. However I disagree that bf is the issue.

We've had enormous rows about it, with him calling bf a "failed experiment", and insisting that I am doing it only for myself and that I should have stopped months ago. I feel passionately that I am doing the best for DS and that a lot of the gas and sleep is beyond my control

I want to keep bf at least a bit even when I return to work, but DH is fed up and angry and our relationship is very up and down over this

has anyone else been through anything similar? I'm so tired and fed up but obviously don't want to get divorced over it! What do I do?

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 06/01/2011 09:01

Is it burping or farting? Farting isn't caused by air gulped in.

If your ds has digestive problems, then surely formula will be harder on his system than breastmilk anyway?

If he's eating solid food, I'd think about cutting out nightfeeds before dropping breastfeeding altogether. Maybe feed him at 11pm and 7am but not in between?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/01/2011 09:15

But the point is, that the situation isn't your fault. It isn't being created by BFing, or by how you are BFing - you just have a non-sleeping baby.

Honestly, please stop worrying about your baby gulping air when they are feeding - it happens and will happen with bottles too.

I am so furious on your behalf - how dare he undermine you when he should be supporting you.

SilverSky · 06/01/2011 11:42

Tell him to don ear plugs. I think he is being mean. It's not your fault.

fluffywhitekittens · 06/01/2011 12:58

Have you tried using infacol before feeds?

Original poster

pinata · 06/01/2011 14:22

It is burps and farts. I can sometimes hear the air going in but I can't stop it. Latch fine, no other problems and then if it doesn't get burped out it works its way down to the other end

I can sort of see his point that there are things that are really not working, ie sleep, so he wants to have a try. Plus there are other things like keeping ds warm enough etc that we differ on. I suppose it's good he wants to find solutions but I just wish instead of berating he would see that I'm trying bloody hard

last night it was me that put in earplugs. I thought I might as well sleep rather than lie awake getting cross

I am back at work in 4 weeks so ds does need to take bottles a bit. But I want to bf when I'm there.

I have never tried infacol, as I've generally foundost stuff to be placebo until they grow out of whatever is making them ratty

I have a feeling this whole thing has no real answers. I just know that I feel pissed off and unsupported while dh feels he has offered tonnes of support and isnow fed up

if the boy would just sleep

OP posts:

Original poster

pinata · 06/01/2011 14:24

moonunit he is slow with solids and often too busy in the day to feed much. I actually think he's making this up at night. What would we do 11-7? Give nothing? The worry is waking dd2 who is 3. I can't think of how to do this...

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 06/01/2011 14:34

I don't think air that's swallowed can work it's way through their intestines - farts are caused by gas forming when food is digested (I believe!).

My ds is younger than yours (5 months) but nightfeeds were getting too much for me - he was waking every couple of hours and needing to feed to get back to sleep. First I stopped feeding to sleep at bedtime, and replaced it with DP rocking him to sleep. Now he gets fed 6.30pm, 10.30pm, 3.30am and 6-7am - if he wakes between those times DP goes in to him and rocks him, or pats his bottom. He's started falling asleep pretty quickly for DP, so I'm confident it's not hunger, and last night he slept 10.30-4.30, then again til 6.

He won't settle/go to sleep without feeding if I go to him though. If he sees me he wants boob, but he's accepted DP can settle him without.

iwasyoungonce · 06/01/2011 22:21

Yes, between 11 and 7 give nothing.

He will make up for it in the day, and get used to it very quickly.

Is there somebody who could have your DD overnight the first night? I worried that my DD would wake up (she's 4) but it was fine. It took about half hour to settle DS back to sleep each time, gently patting his back and long, rhythmic "shhhhhhhhhhh"ing.

After 3 nights DS slept from about 7pm to 5am. I then settled him back (without feeding) til about 6.30. I couldn't believe it, because he had been waking up all the time, and using my nipple to get back to sleep! You need to break the habit, and he will learn to settle to sleep without feeding.

In the morning I breastfed DS, but he didn't leap on me like I expected. He wasn't starving! I think this is a better solution to just stopping breastfeeding.

FortunateHamster · 06/01/2011 23:58

Is he confusing night and day (your son, not your husband!)? I only ask because he is going for longer in the day than in the night and it's quite common for bf babies to feed even 2hourly in the day.

cairnterrier · 07/01/2011 07:46

Could you express during the day so that DH can still give a bottle at night, but you will still know that it's BM that DS is getting?

By the way, DS here was still feeding every 2-3 hrs until he was 1yr old. I just assumed that it's normal for him and it has suddenly tailed off over the past few weeks. Also as suggested above, can you co-sleep for a while. I've always slept whilst feeding DS at night and am in awe of you trying to stay awake!

Candinha · 07/01/2011 20:54

I have no words of wisdom just wanted to say to pinata that I have had similar 'discussions' with my DH, mainly that I feed him too much at night, fall asleep too much with him by my side therefore he doesn't sleep well etc...etc...

I am very sleep deprived and still feeding every 3 hours a 17 week old baby, but I have stuck to my guns, booted DH out into the spare bedroom and will BF until I feel appropriate, afterall this will not go on forever. Unfortunetly dc1 and dc2 weaned themselves off (6 and 9 months)before I returned to work otherwise I would have continued to feed in the evenings and mornings.

Don't let him dictate when you will finish BF as you may feel quite down when you finish and resent him further

Good luck with it all

ilovemydogandMrObama · 07/01/2011 21:06

Wow -- he referred to b/fing as a 'failed experiment?' It seems to me that he is being very unrealistic about babies sleeping through the night and don't think this is attributable to formula or b/fing. A friend of mine ff and her DD never slept through until around 2 years, and another b/f exclusively and the baby slept through the night from about 4 months, or at least 5 hours at a stretch.

Re: wind. Have you tried winding him mid way through a feed?

porcamiseria · 07/01/2011 21:56

oh pinata I do feel for you. I remeber when DP told me I was a crap at BF with DS1, cxxt. all water under the bridge now ho ho

I think its very frustrating for men as they cant BF. when everything is dandy, no issues

when there are problems (ie sleep), the womens feeding gets blamed huh

I agree with the OP that said not to stop, as you will only resent him further

and 8 months is YOUNG

maybe compromise by keeping the BF going, introducing more solids and trying a sleep routine?

Original poster

pinata · 07/01/2011 23:06

Thank you for all your replies. I feel slightly less like i'm losing the plot right now because I am doing night feeds again following ds having a (very very late) immunisation yesterday. DH actually thought it would be good for comfort

I feel like I'm sitting an exam though - if I manage reasonable results, maybe I'll get to continue...

I have discussed sleep training with dh but he wants to get him taking more from the bottle first, which is a bit back to front to me, but I have lost energy for arguments, and I know this would be one

re getting day and night mixed up - ds is just too active in the day. He is like a bionic child. Sitting at 4 months, now cruising along furniture and sometimes letting go. Way earlier than his sisters. Anyway, it's hard to get much down him. He just wants to be doing stuff. And tbh if he has formula in the day, that's fine with me. It's nights I would like to continue to keep our bond when i'm back at work.

Yes, the words "failed experiment" keep ringing in my ears, too. Yesterday tried to get dh to agree with some positive stuff that I think bf has brought and he refused, he's on a real edge with it, shuts down and doesn't want further discussion, just get on with it. Makes me so riled, especially as we generally get on well and agree on the big things in life.

OP posts:

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