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Infant feeding

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Original poster

Babies at Hen Parties?

26 replies

VictoriaDC · 31/12/2010 14:29

Hello Mums!

I am desperatley seeking some adivce.

I have no children and I'm not pregnant, so my knowledge of baby related things is very limited. Most of my friends have children so I've picked up some info, but it all seems to change from Mum to Mum.

Here is my 'issue'. I am getting married next year and I'm having a hen party in August, there will be a fair amount of drink involved, and will be quite loud in general, we're planning on staying at home, but may venture out to a pub or club etc. My best friend who I adore has just had her second child back in November. She has said there will be no way she can leave her baby at home with her husband as she will still be breastfeeding and will have to bring the baby with her. I really don't think a hen party is an appropriate place for a 9 month old, especially if we decide to go out.

Am I being unreasonable, or is there something she can do, like expressing that maybe she hasn't thought of?

I don't want to upset her, but I also don't think it's a great idea.

So, I leave it to you, the experts. Please help me!

OP posts:
JosieRosie · 31/12/2010 14:33

YANBU. Hen party definitely not appropriate! Could you meet your friend for a lunch or something apart from the hen night? It's a shame if she can't be part of it but I can't believe she would even consider bringing baby Shock

changeforthebetter · 31/12/2010 14:35

Can't she just go for the meal bit and then bow out before you topple into some sleazy nightclub move on?

YABU to tell her what she does with her baby and she IBU to expect your whole hen party to revolve around her needs (if that is the case). Y also BU to expect her to express milk. Not everyone likes expressing milk and she might be one of them. FGS mothers have enough expectations laid on them already.

It's only one night and it is only a hen night after all. And it's bleeding August - who knows what will have happened by then anyway.

Really, chill out Grin

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2010 14:37

SIBU
I agree she shouldn't have to leave her baby while bf (and it's more complicated that just "express in a bottle") but unfortunately IMO that means she can't come (as far as she's concerned - I'm not suggesting you ban her!).

Is the party local? Could she maybe come for the drinks at the start and then leave?

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2010 14:38

yes, actually her one month old will be 9m by then - possibly even sleeping through

thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 14:39

i don't think there is anything she can "do". she will have considered expressing and things like that already. it isn't just about the milk, it's about having a very young baby that she doesn't want to leave

if the baby was a really small baby i'd say just let her bring it, it will sleep on her and be generally lovely and not a problem

but a 9 month old... I dunno...

i think i'd be inclined to reply and say "i'm sorry you won't be able to make it, perhaps we can have a special lunch the day before/day after to make up for it?"

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2010 14:39

so i suppose it's down to whether you need commitments now or whether she can decide much closer to the time

thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 14:40

yes, maybe leave it open. you can just say see how she feels closer to the time

is it her first baby?

thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 14:41

oh no, it's her second... so she knows what to expect. in which case i would suspect she just doesn't want to leave the baby or perhaps doesn't want to come at all>?

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2010 14:45

Oh yes, agree, if it's her second she probably has a very good idea of whether she will want to leave the baby at 9mo

whoknowswherethewindblows · 31/12/2010 14:46

Just plough ahead without her and tell her she's welcome to any part of it if she can make it.

Personally, I was ITCHING for a night out after my second was born and had no qualms whatsoever about leaving her with DH when she was 9 weeks old and I went on a hen night.

Mine did take a bottle though - and I was happy to mixed feed.

I would just let her decide closer to the time to be honest.

VeronicaCake · 31/12/2010 14:54

Has this come up just recently? Because if she is breastfeeding a baby that is less than 2 months old she is probably still at the stage where she is thinking she is going to be breastfeeding fulltime for the whole of eternity. I know when DD was 2 months old I couldn't imagine how I would ever go out without her ever again.

She isn't being unreasonable exactly because she is almost certainly hideously sleep-deprived and maybe feeling rather overwhelmed at the amount of feeding going on and no one who has recently had a baby is ever unreasonable(!). But she may not be being entirely realistic about workable solutions right now. I don't think it is your job to make suggestions to your friend about how it can work - and if people had done that for me at that point I'd probably have got quite pissed off (but in an entirely reasonable way).

Is there any way you can stall or just say that sounds fine for now? She may well be gagging for a night out without her baby by 9 months.

MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2010 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2010 14:56

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
VictoriaDC · 31/12/2010 14:58

JosieRosie - Thanks, thats roughly what I was thinking of suggesting.

changeforthebetter - I dont 'expect' any thing of her I just wanted to know if expressing is an option. (I have no idea). Also I have not and would not tell her what to do with her own children. Unfortunately there is no meal section for her to join in, to later bow out, it's a party at my house, no sleaze to be seen actually, not all hen parties are willies and L plates.

StealthPolarBear - Thanks, I certainly wouldn't ban her, she's my best friend after all. She lives about 45 mins drive away, quite far to come for an hour or so before we break out the Twister set, but definitely an option. :)

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2010 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VictoriaDC · 31/12/2010 15:03

whoknowswherethewindblows, VeronicaCake, MadamDeathstare - Thank you, all very reasonable and logical lines of thought. I had forgotten about sleep deprivation, and that she may see things differently in a few months time. I will learn all of this when I have my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriaDC · 31/12/2010 15:04

She could bring a baby sitter, thats a possibility. I'm not sure who, but thats something worth mulling over. Thank you.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 31/12/2010 15:09

Well, I was going to come back and apologise for being a bit harsh but........ Hmm

I was trying to be tongue-in-cheek.

She may not be able to contemplate a late night, wearing some slinky dress etc in that fog of sleep deprivation and contemplating "post-pregnancy but still lots of flab around" body. Really, even if it were my 6th child, a summer hen party would be the last thing on my mind right now.

I would counter that you are "expecting" her to fall into line with your plans and that is the unreasonable bit. It is months away. I am bemused that you seem to need to know now what she will be doing in eight months' time when what you appear to be planning is a night at home anyway Confused

EdgarAleNPie · 31/12/2010 15:20

i wnt to a hen party when DS was 9mo - i went for the meal, but left before they wen clubbing - i expressed into the loos as was getting engorged by then -

wouldn't have dreamed about asking the bride to be to change her plans though.
there is always a work-around.

i could equally have gone to the evening do but not the meal ..
in a house party i might have taken the baby but put him to sleep upstairs, that would also work.

Original poster
VictoriaDC · 31/12/2010 15:25

In general thanks for all the commets. It's very much appreciated.

The reason I'm asking this now and not in 7 months time, is because I'm one of those awfully irritating people who have Christmas done by October every year.

I have no concept of how a mothers mind works, which is why I'm asking you ladies. The most important thing I have to look after is my house plant, and even thats looking a bit poorly now!

OP posts:
YunoYurbubson · 31/12/2010 15:28

I keep reading this as barbies at hen parties.

changeforthebetter · 02/01/2011 18:55

Barbies are definitely banned. Little feckers are all over my bathroom. I hate them with a passion Grin

piprabbit · 02/01/2011 19:08

A 9 month old won't be exclusively breast feeding, at this age they will be partially weaned. The baby will be active, probably crawling (and I had a friend whose baby memorably started walking on the cusp between 9 and 10 months).
Nine month old's tend to be less flexible than newborns, and won't necessarily take kindly to having their routine upset by a bunch of overexcited women.
And the friend may be feeling the need for a night away from it all.

If I was the OP, I'd tell my friend that there is no need to make a decision so soon. Plan a place for her at your party, but don't take it personally if she decides not to come at the last minute.

WoTmania · 02/01/2011 20:21

Ooooh, you see, I always took my lot to stuff like this (i.e at someone's home) at that age and slightly older. DS2 and DD in particular as they weren't interested at all in solids til over a year which made it rather difficult to leave them for any length of time and I get very full of milk, very quickly.
I just used to cuddle, make sure they weren't disturbing any one and pop them in the sling when they got restless and needed to sleep.

MumNWLondon · 02/01/2011 23:30

Shock at not being able to leave 9 month old baby with husband. But I have never EBF beyond 6 months.

He wasn't a good sleep he would not doubt be eating solids, including yoghurts and has water with meals, so don't really understand why she would know already she couldn't leave him.