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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Sensitive issue wwyd?

47 replies

Fontsnob · 27/12/2010 00:47

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I left 13 week old ebf dd with my mum for the first time to go to a wedding reception and evening do. Dd will take a bottle sometimes but not always so I fed her before I left and told dm to call if she wouldn't take a bottle and I'd come and get her (wedding was only 15 mins away). As it went dd wouldn't take a bottle and had got quite upset so dh collected her and I fed her and we went home an hour or so later with dd. All fine so far.
The problem is that last night dm (quite drunk by this point) told me that she had tried to get dd to latch on!!! I think her thinking must have been that she was trying anything to calm dd at that time. I have no clue how I feel about this except that it feels wrong. I am close to dm but I don't know what to say to her. I said nothing at the time as I was a little shocked!
How would you feel? :(

OP posts:

PenguinArmy · 27/12/2010 01:35

bizarre, but I can kinda see the reasoning of it maybe calming her down.

It's good that she did call you though and there is that feeling where you feel like you'd do anything to get the baby to stop crying.

Weird but nothing outrageous. I'd imagine in another society another place it wouldn't be so off.

Are you happy with your mum the rest of the time, did she BF you?

browneyesblue · 27/12/2010 01:50

I don't think I'd be happy with it. If it were me, I'd feel like she'd crossed a line. I don't think I'd have a problem feeding/nursing someone else's baby, but I'd certainly only do it if I knew it was okay with them.

Embarrassing as it may be, you will probably have to raise the issue with her if you want to be sure that she doesn't try it again.

She did call you though, which is good.

K12Mom · 27/12/2010 03:09

I am absolutely repulsed by that, but I know that I shouldn't be.

Sorry, that's not very helpful.

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 27/12/2010 04:00

Perhaps a little weird but nothing outrageous.

This was not a stranger, nor done gratuitously. It was a loving, close, blood relative, trying to do her best for both her dd and her dgc.

Presumably your mum discovered that this doesn't work, and won't do it again.

chillichill · 27/12/2010 04:05

ok,I would freak at my mum too BUT you know what its like when the baby is screaming that horrible scream and you would do anything to make it stop. if she had to ve drunk to admit it to you, she is obviously embarrassed by it as well so doubt she would do it again. maybe just a quick "what were you thinking, that would never work" will be enough.

mousesma · 27/12/2010 08:35

I think the fact that she was drunk when she told you shows she is embarrassed by the incident and won't be repeating it.

It was an odd thing to do but I imagine she was desperate when she tried. It's horrible listening to a babies hungry cries and not being able to do anything about it.

I can understand why you feel shocked I would feel the same. However it's not going to happen again so I would just forget about it and move on.

ScarlettCrossbones · 27/12/2010 08:48

I think it was a sensible thing to do in the circumstances, she'd probably tried everything else, and worth a try if it got your DD to calm down. Obviously there wouldn't actually be any milk available.

I know it sounds odd as it's so unusual but really, what exactly are people so "repulsed" about?? Can you explain it? Why would you "freak"? I think if it wasn't a relative, that would have been crossing the line, but it's the OP's own mother. I think it's acceptable.

cantrantwithusualusername · 27/12/2010 08:52

In other cultures older women do this all the time...we tend to use dummies :) Men also do this although I have only read about that in relation to pygmies, (but I should think others do too, that is just typical of the post-colonial way such info is published).
Having said that, I would be absolutely horrified if my mother did that!

SouthMum · 27/12/2010 08:55

ahhh I can kinda see why she did it. Think I would be a bit "eh? You did what?" and then probably not think about it again.

Dont be so hard on her. She is probably mortified, but I dont think its so bad. If she did nothing to try and calm baby then Id be much more upset.

Also dont get what is so repulsive about this Scarlett.

K12Mom · 27/12/2010 09:08

I don't know why I find it repulsive. It just makes me feel a bit ikky, but then tbh, lots of things about breastfeeding make me feel a bit ikky, even though my DC were breastfed.

mousesma · 27/12/2010 09:15

I think I feel weird about it because breasts are so highly sexualised in our society that having anyones breasts other than mine near my baby feels wrong.

I understand logically how messed up it is to think this way because of course there is nothing sexual about it at all.

PatTheTurkeyer · 27/12/2010 09:22

We had an almost identical situation OP when DD was the same age 4 yrs ago. My Dad turned up to collect us just as things were getting good at 11pm and we got back to a hysterical DD and my mum had a very sore finger which she had been sucking (would not take a dummy or bottle of EBM). My mum joked at the time that she was 'This close' to putting her nipple in DD's mouth. I can't remember feeling shocked I think I just said 'That's a bit mean she wouldn't have got anything!'.

I think she was just trying to comfort her DGD to be honest and maybe she was that distressed that your mum was desperate. I wouldn't worry about it and I certainly wouldn't find it repulsive.

BoffinMum · 27/12/2010 09:31

Sounds quite sweet to me, quite logical.

RoadCraftGuru · 27/12/2010 09:40

Hmm, think how stressful it is to be confronted with a hungry, screaming baby that you can't calm down. It was a loopy thing to do and, as Pat says, would probalby have made her even more frustrated but, tbh, I'd be more repulsed by a stranger offering my baby their finger to suck in a supermarket etc than by a caring GM trying to calm down my child.

Original poster

Fontsnob · 27/12/2010 09:46

Thank you so much for your replies. I too think the drunken confession to it meant that she was embarrassed or thought I might be upset by it. I also think I can see why she did it but I would rather she didn't try it again!! I'm glad you didn't all freak out as I think I would have felt awful if everyone thought it was disgusting. By the way, I don't usually have this much difficulty knowing how I feel about something but this did actually leave me speechless! Much to dh dismay I think I won't be leaving dd until I know she will sleep the whole evening as this seems kinder to everyone.

OP posts:

SouthMum · 27/12/2010 10:07

hmm thinking about it, I remember when I was reading and DS (about 6mo at the time) and the dog were both asleep on the settee together - he likes to lie on her belly. I heard a bit of noise (not sucking, just like a wet mouth moving noise iyswim) and I thought it was the dog sucking on her blankie (yes my dog has a blankie fgs).

When I looked over I saw DS trying to get one of the dogs nips in his mouth (she has nipples like a builders thumb)

Original poster

Fontsnob · 27/12/2010 10:12

Southmum I do apologise, but that made me smile...can imagine the dog would have been surprised! :)

OP posts:

cupofcoffee · 27/12/2010 10:50

I don't think it is repulsive. Sounds like she was desperately trying to comfort her dgd.
I think it can be hard for others to look after an ebf baby who won't take a bottle for them and is getting distressed. My dd was like this. It's a lot easier now that she is bigger so at least can be given drink of water and some food while I am out.

My mum picked up my tired dd yesterday and dd automatically turned inwards with mouth open and grabbed her nan's chest (through her clothes) looking for something to comfort suck to sleep. I did say 'I wonder if that would work?' (Thinking about whether it would help her to sleep not feeding her of course.) Didn't try it though.

BubbaAndBump · 27/12/2010 11:05

What did you say to her when she told you Fontsnob*?

Original poster

Fontsnob · 27/12/2010 11:21

Nothing! I said nothing and let it pass, and believe me this is a very unusual reaction for me! I possibly looked like a goldfish gasping for air. I think I will only bring it up if we leave dd with her again whilst she is still ebf.

OP posts:

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 11:28

Bizarrely in my head - if one of my friends (with young children) did this I would be less bothered than if my mum did it.

Unpick that one! I don't think I would be that bothered if a friend breastfed my baby (in an emergencysituation). Mum seems wrong but I can't logically work out why! Would have been normal I think ... an no harm done.

BubbaAndBump · 27/12/2010 11:34

I know what you mean peppa. I think my reaction would have been the same fontsnob - and I'm not one for staying quiet most of the time either. I would have been stumped for a reaction too

Ephiny · 27/12/2010 11:42

I would probably have been a bit surprised, but don't think it's wrong or disgusting or anything. Fair enough to ask her not to do it again if you'd rather she didn't though.

Original poster

Fontsnob · 27/12/2010 11:42

It's bizarre, I still am kind of stumped for a reaction but at the same time I'm glad to be able to process it rather than having just freaked out at dm. She has been really great since dd was born and I don't want to make her feel bad or make her feel uncomfortable with her dgd as she really loves her. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't do it again. Still feel odd though!

OP posts:

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 11:57

Fast forward 30 years ... you are in the same situation. WWYD?

Am trying to work out how I would feel as the grandmother!

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