Sensitive issue wwyd?

[Fontsnob]

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I left 13 week old ebf dd with my mum for the first time to go to a wedding reception and evening do. Dd will take a bottle sometimes but not always so I fed her before I left and told dm to call if she wouldn't take a bottle and I'd come and get her (wedding was only 15 mins away). As it went dd wouldn't take a bottle and had got quite upset so dh collected her and I fed her and we went home an hour or so later with dd. All fine so far.
The problem is that last night dm (quite drunk by this point) told me that she had tried to get dd to latch on!!! I think her thinking must have been that she was trying anything to calm dd at that time. I have no clue how I feel about this except that it feels wrong. I am close to dm but I don't know what to say to her. I said nothing at the time as I was a little shocked!
How would you feel? :(

I agree Peppa, it doesn't sound so weird if it is someone of an age where they would be bf'ing if they had a baby - in fact I have felt like I want to bf crying babies! I was so born in the wrong era, I would have been such a successful wet nurse.

I would hate that. Isn't it just pointless trying to latch a baby onto a breast which can't possibly provide any milk anyway? It's not that it's disgusting, it's just pointless surely.

Well no not really dueling - why do you think people give babies dummies? Same principle - comfort sucking. A breastfed baby often wants to just latch on and suck for comfort or to get to sleep. Sometimes they get really annoyed when there is plenty of milk there because they don't want it!

I sense a business opportunity Manatee . Have your baby breastfed by, erm, a manatee or a pig

I don't think that your mother's actions were nasty, disgusting or repulsive. I think it sounds like the sort of thing a loving, kind and supportive thing a grandmother might do when faced with caring for a newborn for the first time. She probably wanted to make sure that you returned to a rested, contented baby and that you felt able to leave the baby in your care again.

My mother tells me that she often feels quite stressed when looking after her grandchildren. I think you should see it as a loving act and move on.

Eek. I must preview my ramblings before posting.

Not so long ago it would have been to norm for a grandmother to relactate and feed her grandchild if, say, a mother died in childbirth.

Currently in emergency feeding situations, one protocol is that if a grandmother or aunt could be supported in relactation, that is preferable than formula.

I would take it as an act of love on your mother's part. This is a primal instinct I believe and we have culturally been removed so far from our roots that sadly many of us are shocked by this deep seated reaction to calm a crying baby.

For myself, when I was holding my friend's 2 mo old, friend was at at the time occupied with her other 2 under 3's at the time, her baby started to cue for milk, as an experienced breastfeeder myself, several times I began to respond to her cues (going to lift my top) before I stopped and realised I wasn't holding my own baby. My friend spotted my reaction but because she understands infant feeding was not taken aback in anyway.

Hmm Peppa I think I need to look into this relactation malarky :)

I personally think that it was a lovely idea and I would have no problem with it.

When my DS2 was born I lost a lot of blood and was semi-conscious for nearly 2 hours. During this time DS2 stayed skin to skin with DH and spent about an hour suckling on him. From my point of view at the time I was desperate to do this myself but was too ill. Fortunately having DH there meant that he had everything he needed other than milk (which I supplied shortly afterwards) but he was content and cuddled during that time. The MWs didn't bat an eyelid.

My DS doesn't have a dummy (he rejected it, I don't have a problem with them) as he prefers to comfort himself on my breasts. He does this far less than DS1 sucked on his dummy - it's not a problem. Having someone else offer their breast as a comfort would be something he'd really like, I'm sure.

The only problem with someone else BFing your baby is that some diseases can be passed through milk. As long as that's not a problem, then shared BFing seems logical to me. Taking that a step further, why can't another breast be used as a comforter when there's no milk to transfer and no disease risk?

The ickyness comes, I think, with the sexualisation of breasts which in itself is fine (mine are important to our sexual relationship - I do not take that away from them) but they are absolutely dual-functional. For DS, they are food and comfort. For me and DH they are part of our own personal relationship. There is therefore nothing sexual (obviously, which you've made clear) about what your mother did - she was just trying to comfort your little one in a way she understands. That, to me, takes the ickyness away.

I have to say I often have to stop myself offering my services when out and about and hearing other babies cry. I do think it's quite a normal, natural urge we are collectively supressing here. And it would probably be much healthier if we all gave in.

boffinmum

With ya there

PMSL

Thank you everyone, I do feel better now, I'd still rather she didn't do it again but I don't feel weird about it.
With my new found comfort zone I'm wondering if human milking stations in supermarkets (made up of volunteers) would be taking things a step too far??

fonts

Well I promote human milk banks in hospitals if that's a start

I saw a programme once where breastmilk was touted to ASDA as a new product LOL

I also struggle with the urge to feed other babies. Not to feed them, just to comfort them.

organiccake that is a lovely story about your DH. Obviously it's a shame you were out of it, but still.

I think this thread has turned out all lovely. Can imagine if wouldn't have done if posted else where. Though maybe if I'm feeling brave ......

I did consider AIBU but decided I wasn't strong enough for that so stayed in the safe bosom of the breastfeeding forum!

It's a bit icky but hard to say why. Perhaps it's because your mum's breasts are probably long past milk bearing and the thought of wrinkly old grandma boobs in a baby's mouth seems wrong! (another poster said they wouldn't have a problem if it was one of their friends but would with their mum - perhaps this is the biological reason why).

Also, because it was an illogical action as obviously your mum has no milk, so your DD would have furiously sucked and got nothing which, as she was hungry, would have probably have upset her more (also she would have smelt it wasn't you & no milk which would be confusing for her). I think the action was probably bourne from desperation but is not something I'd want to encourage!

On another level it would irritate me to think that my mum would try to simulate me by suckling my baby. As in "there's nothing you can do that I can't do". It depends on the relationship you have with your mum. Personally I would be furious if my mum did this but then she is forever trying to take over my DD so it would just be another extension of that control.

I think that's key here simmy If there had been a background current of mother trying take over, it would have been very much overstepping the line and a good event to re-correct boundaries.

If the OP is otherwise happy then I think it's one of those you let go. It's hard to see through our cultural issues at time and I've enjoyed the chance to ponder the issue, so thank you OP for posting it in the first place.

That's exactly it, Simmylou, the boundaries. I see nothi g wrong with breastfeeding a baby who is not your child, but it has repercussions on your relationship. Both mothers would gave to accept that this would bring them closer together, and possibly create a bond between the other mother and the child, but would not give ther other mother any additional rights WRT the child. That is what I think my mother would have struggled to accept.

I've been in this situation, where my mum told me that she had considered offering her breast to my distressed baby in my absence. For comfott, not hunger. I was annoyed, not repulsed. It was time my mum accepted that Mother of Babies was my role now, not hers any more. Her role was Grandmother, so stop trying to relive the past.

Maybe that's a little harsh, but I think it reflects our relationship. She does try to take over. I think if our relationship was different, if I didn't feel undermined by my mum, then I probably would not have been cross.

I remember one or two of mine having a go at my mum's front, and her saying something like, "Sorry darling, there's nothing left in there" and me thinking what a shame, if there was I could have a break from being the absolute only one who could do this for them.