anxiety about cosleeping making me miserable

[greeneone12]

Hi

For the last few days I have been feeling really down :( I am getting on well with breastfeeding but the only way I can do it at night is laying down as it means I get more rest.

I just feel so anxious that my dd will never sleep on her own. I also feel guilty and like I am a failure as many of my friends are breastfeeding at night sitting up and using their Moses baskets properly. I feel bad that I am using the 'cheats way out' feeding lying down but I couldn't do it any other way.

I know I sound stupid but this anxiety I am carrying is really making me feel miserable :(

Sorry for moaning but thought it a good idea to get it off my chest.

Thanks!

Dd is 8 weeks old xx

How old is your DD?

I feed lying down with my ds, hes 5 and a half months.
Every now and then Ill say to my DP 'he'll never learn to sleep on his own', but in reality I know he will, they change so much. He could be totally different in 2 months time.

For now I really wouldnt worry, Im the 'cross that bridge when I come to it' type of person :)

I'm doing with DC3 what you're doing
I've done the 'You WILL sleep in your cot' thing with a young bf baby and it's a mug's game

You do what you need to do to get through each night. I have 2 other DC, I need a certain quality of sleep else I will be a shitty and irritable Mummy

And as for feeding-lying-down being the 'cheat's' way...

It's the clever way of doing it

Sorry x-post, your dd is so young, she hasnt learnt 'bad habits'.

Go with the flow for now :)

Oh, and DC1 and 2 currently sleeping in their own beds despite spending a huge amount of time in mine as babies

Please read this book ASAP! You are doing such a wonderful thing for your DD, it's very worthwile, some say that when you co-sleep in the beginning it makes them more secure and happy to sleep alone when older, because they have that security of knowing you'll be there when they need you.

I was really worried about co-sleeping. Then one night I was up feeding ds on the sofa and nearly nodded off and felt him slipping out of my arms

If you lie on your side with lower arm out in front of you and no duvet or pillows near baby, (and you haven't been drinking, drugs etc) cosleeping is safer than the risk of a totally exhausted mum, IMO.

There is NO doing it 'properly' or 'çheating' - just find what works for you. You may still have many months of night feeds to do!

+1 for NotNowBernard

I can't believe that I used to get up, get the baby, go to the other room, feed him, put him back, and climb back in bed - no-wonder I was knackered.

Now I just roll over, he latches on, and either feeds until he pops off himself or until I realise he's not actually drinking anymore and I want to fidget.

It's not a failure - it's perfectly fine and sensible!

I felt exactly the same as you and I kept my dd beside me until she was 10 months. We went on holiday where she half slept in travel cot and half in our bed. When we got back she went in her own room and settled in fine. She wakes less now in her own room (although still more than would like!).
I felt like a failure cos all my nct friends had them in Moses baskets and they slept well but you have to do what works for you. I wish I knew back then that there was nothing to worry about. If she's ill now we sometimes bring her in our bed so she feels comforted and we all get a good nights sleep!

Absolutely agree with everyone here, and also second reading "Three in a Bed" which is a very useful and informative read.

I also had the "rod for my own back" fear (and a good talking to from my mum who felt the same, that it would all end in divorce and probably the world would explode) but in fact I've worked out that right now I would not function AT ALL without doing it. It's what DS needs and therefore it's how we're doing it. DH is totally supportive and is enjoying having him in the bed which is great. If you've got a babe feeding overnight then what's the point of doing it any other way?

I have wondered at the NCT class girls succeeding with the moses basket until from time to time they fess up to the hours pacing the floor trying to get them to re-settle, or those who bring them into the bed after the first night feed.

Another book worth a read, oft-mentioned on here, is "The Politics of Breastfeeding" which explains why we've got to the position, against what's natural for the human animal, of putting our babies away from us rather than nurturing them close when they need us.

You're going with your instincts while fighting a culture which is clearly not the best thing for you and your baby. Separate beds work for many (DS1 was never in bed with me) but co-sleeping is an absolute lifesaver and now I've accepted that, a treasured and brief time which will soon pass.

With my 6yr old DS1 desperate to avoid my cuddles and kisses I realise now how much I need to value my baby's baby time :)

Both my DCs slept with me when very little - it is just so much easier. DD the most - never thought I would ever get her to sleep in a cot but by 13 months she was sleeping through on her own in her own cot!! Don't worry too much the time goes so quickly you will be missing those night cuddles soon enough. All the best.

• another 1 for NotNowBernard. I only started co-sleeping at 4 months, and one of my biggest regrets with DS was not co-sleeping in the early days. I was too worried about getting into 'bad habits'. But co-sleeping would have meant much more rest and DS would have had lots of lovely cuddles rather than me spending half my night awake trying to fight him to put him in his carry cot. :(

In their leaflet, Unicef say feeding in comfort is one of the advantages of bedsharing, and it's definitely safer than falling asleep in a chair feeding, which I've nearly done on lots of occasions.

I'd second Bertie's book recommendation. I used to be a reluctant co-sleeper but now I'd prefer to do it even if it didn't help my DS settle better.

All babies learn to go to sleep on their own unless they have a sleep disorder (and you co-sleeping won't make any difference to that). All the rubbish you hear about spoiling your baby / making a rod for your own back etc etc etc is just that - rubbish. Other people don't have your baby and their babies don't have you as their mum. Go with what works and if you feel you're a bit odd in how you do things (which I sometimes do), just don't tell people how you do it.

Babies change all the time, especially in the early days and 8 weeks is tiny really. You sound like you're doing really well - and your friends are frankly mad.

please keep co-sleeping good for everyone, it is a lovely thing. You are lucky.

You're not cheating, you're doing what is right for you and your baby.

IMO anything which gets a mum more sleep is not bad thing.

When DS1 was about 8 months old he started disturbing at night and the only way to settle him was to put him in with us. He would literally fall into deepest sleep the minute his head hit the pillow, the alternative was hours in his room trying to get him to settle.

I remember people telling me I was only doing this because I had issues .

Fast forward nearly 6 years and he goes to bed in his own room every night with no problems.

Admittedly DS1 & 2 get into bed with us during the night if and when they want to but I love it and figure that before I know it they won't want to anymore and I'll miss it desperately.

Cheating? I can't imagine why you're feeling that. Has someone said this to you?

Feeding in the way that works for you, and gets you the most rest is just doing what is best for you and your family.

She will eventually sleep on her own all through the night without feeding (although I know some nights its hard to believe)!

My friend was complaining the other day that she can't feed ds3 lying down (just can't get comfy)!

nellieforbush I'm the same as your friend, just can't manage to feed lying down (think it's due to BIG boobs) and often think how lovely it would be to just lay next to DS and let him do what comes naturally.

I co-slept with DS until he was 5 months old, at which point the bed was just too small for three of us and my arm had been dead for weeks (although DH had somehow managed without any issue ).

I'd been surrounded by Gina Fordists who were all convinced that I was storing up trouble. I thought too that the transition would be horrible and I remember feeling a back-of-the-mind anxiety for ages that I'd never be able to get him to sleep in a cot. But it was genuinely really good. DS went down like a dream, woke a couple of times and a new pattern was set. Job done. At 12 months he's now going 7.30am-7.30pm.

BTW the Gina Fordists were all cross-eyed with sleep deprivation in the early days, whereas I genuinely felt fine. They had all stopped breastfeeding by 6 weeks too, which may say something about the merits of the other approach. DS was a very hungry baby and I think I would have died, literally, if I had had to wake up and get out of bed each time he fed. Co-sleeping saved my sanity and I think it is absolute madness to resist the most sensible and natural approach to breastfeeding at night.

I co-slept with both my little ones and look back upon it with great fondness.

It's a lovely snuggly time and as dd said to me when she was about 4, "I love sleeping with you mummy - you smell just right." Even now when my kids are feeling poorly a spray of my perfume makes them calm down ("help me feel safe").

Apologies if this makes no sense, I've got flu! I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a lovely thing.

Ps you are doing a really good thing, and should be congratulated. Ignore the naysayers; sometimes I think they feel trapped by the rules they impose on their babies and are jealous of those of us who have taken the more sensible - and, yes, easier course.

Also bear in mind that your hormones may still be playing up; I had all sorts of anxieties in the early weeks and I think it was chemically driven - I'd latch onto one fear or another and obsess about things which a few weeks later seemed bonkers. Be kind to yourself and trust the judgement of all of these wise MNers telling you that you are doing a great job.

Ooooh I'm guessing you meant 7.30pm-7.30am unless you bred a vampire

But I agree. Why make it awful now "just in case" it's hard later. It may not be and either way it's easier (and lovely!) now.

LOL at vampire.

DH's nickname is Vlad because of his undead-like colouring. And DS has been known to bite - maybe you're onto something!

I breastfed and co-slept with all three of my DSs. The eldest is now 9. He was such a terrible sleeper as a newborn that the only way to get any sleep was to let him sleep with us all night. From about 9 months he started off in his cot and then moved into our bed if he woke in the night. This gradually became less frequent and by the age of 2 he never slept with us unless he was ill.
DS2 followed a similar pattern. Now aged 6 he is a brilliant sleeper and very independent in his life.
DS3 is just 2 and will now mostly sleep through in his cot, although I'm always quite glad when he wakes early and comes in with me for a snuggle!
I have no regrets about co-sleeping. Your baby will eventually learn to settle on her own, but in the mean time enjoy the feeling of having her close.

I didn't co-sleep with dd but night feeds were always done lying down. There's no "cheating" about it. It makes so much more sense than sitting up and being cold and wakeful.

Ds is ten weeks and I co-slept since the start but this week I started to struggle with it and he has made the transition to sleeping in moses basket without a problem. However, I missed him so much the first night I barely slept at all

Lots of people say that it's about teaching your baby to sleep on their own but I've always taken the view that it's about recognising the moment that they become able to do it. At some point they develop the ability to do it of their own accord - whether or not you spend hours sleep training or denying them the cuddles and comfort they're asking for.

I co-slept with DS until 13 months when he went into his own room. Then and still now at 2.5 years I'd get into bed with him when he woke - he has always stayed in his own room rather than coming into our bed. Now he sleeps from 8 to 7 three nights a week, sometimes more. Remember parenting is a marathon not a sprint and there are no prizes for making yourself and your child miserable. If it feels good do it and sod the rest of 'em :)