DH not supportive of breastfeeding

[susie100]

Morning!
Quick question on behalf of a vrey dear friend who is 35 weeks. Her DH is a lovely chap but does not really 'get' why breastfeeding is important.

He said this weekend that he can see the benefits of formula as the mother gets a break, dad gets to do a feed and is not 'pushed out'. I breasfed both dds but find myself unable to really articulate the benefits other than health benefits etc etc

Can I point him in the direction of anything seopcifically aimed at men? They are not doing NCT.

My DH was not that helpful saying he felt like a 'spare part' for the first 6 weeks (death stares across the table) although he was supportive at the time.

I would appreciate any pointers as my friend is very keen to breastfeed and I know it will be a lot easier if her DH is supportive.

I think this is coming from ignorance rather than anything more sinister or perceived ownership of her breasts etc etc
Thanks

My husband wanted me to BF the kids, but could never allow me time to find somewhere and do it while we were out, so were either housebound or I was housebound - it was too stressful for me otherwise.

I think this definately contributed to me not doing it as long as I'd have liked.

So I have no advice on this issue but am trying to say, yes, unless he does support her, she will find it very hard. :(

He said this weekend that he can see the benefits of formula as the mother gets a break, dad gets to do a feed and is not 'pushed out'.

Tell him that attitude is a result of the FF company's marketing and is quite frankly bollox.

The politics of Breastfeeding is fabbo but unlikely you'll get him to read it, unless your friend promised that once he had read every single word she'd FF if he still wanted her to.

I suppose it depends on his real reasons why he doesn't want her to do it. If it's that he thinks formula is 'just as good' then maybe a few stats and facts would change his mind? The NCT reasons to be proud factsheet is pretty good.

If it's a bonding thing then maybe your friend could suggest some others ways from him to bond like bathing, massage, using a sling etc. Once BF is established then she can always express if she wants to and then her DH can have a turn feeding. This is a good article and if you google 'dads and breastfeeding' there are plenty more written by dads of BF babies. One of the perks my DH enjoyed is that he never had to bother with any nightfeeding

Is there a good BF group she can go along to? I know LLL have some great info on dads and breastfeeding. They might even do a couples antenatal session, depending on the local group.

Is there anyone else she can get support from, a parent or friend maybe? Support is very important, especially in the early days when it's knackering.

There are plenty of ways dad can be involved without giving a bottle, here's a website you might find useful for ideas.

The idea that formula feeding "gives mum a break" is often mistaken... as soon as dad goes back to work, it leaves mum with all the sterilising, mixing formula, stress of anticipating when the baby will want a feed so she has a bottle mixed up ready.... and much more hassle at night than breastfeeding. - and how many men regularly do a night feed once they're back at work??

Hope your friend manages to talk him round to being supportive.

He can help in other ways. Nappy changing, cuddles and settling in the night to give mum a break from feeding, taking baby for walks etc etc.

BF is better than FF. It's not just nutrition - it's about bonding and immune system benefits. I baby is ill, BF will help them get over it quickly for example.

Why the focus on feeding and feeling pushed out? Dads are allowed to cuddle their babies when they're not being fed

There's a small chance that baby could be intolerant to cows milk so why not start of BF and introduce formula to see how it goes? Formula is not proven to make babies sleep for long stretches and isn't more filling - it's actually harder to digest but has same number of calories.

I've BF DS for 14 months and DH is very close to DS. When I'm tired, DH can take him and cuddle to sleep. When DS had bad reflux and wanted to feed loads but it kept making him sick, DH could settle him without DS getting wound up by the smell of my milk. Our relationship with DS is different, but equal.

Kellymom is great for lots of bf related info such as health benefits to mother and baby, common problems and how to deal with bf sceptics.

BF is free and avoids hassle of sterilising, making up FF and carting all the gear around everywhere you go.

When DS1 was born I took responsibility for input and DP dealt with output for first few weeks, he felt very included

Agree with fabbo-ness of Politics of BF book.

Thank you for these suggestions, they are great, I really like those links, lovely!

I agree - I/my friend is unlikely to get him to read politics of breatfeeding but these short links might do the trick!

Lady - sorry to hear that about your DH.

There really should be some sort of class for men on how to support your partner when she has had a baby shouldn't there?

Love the imput out put suggestion!

Not sure that is the best sales technique however!

I do think the point about going back to work and mum doing all the feeds is really important! I found it easy getting out when all I needed was boobs and decent feeding clothing!

Ah, but exclusively BF babies' poo doesn't smell bad that was another perk that DH enjoyed, changing nappies was no great chore.

My DH, whilst being terribly supportive of my decision to BF, still believes formula is easier and very nearly as good as BM. If your friend's DH is anything like mine he'll smile politely at all the flyers and links whilst silently dismissing them as overblown propaganda. The 2 things that have worked best for me are:

1. He might not be committed to BFing but he is very committed to me. Encourage your friend to let her DH know how important BFing is to her as well as the baby. I had horrible problems feeding my youngest and my DH went out of his way to support me - not because he believed it was best for baby (he didn't) but because he knew how much it meant to me.

1. Rather than reciting an endless list of benefits I have tried to focus just one the ones that are most relevant to our family - in our case breast cancer and eczema prevention. Keep it simple.

Your friend is very lucky to have a supportive and knowledgeable friend like you

What a charmer he is!

My BIL was like this, SIL's BF never stood a chance.

I think it comes from (some) men's fear that the woman will love the baby more than him.

Maybe he thinks his their sex life will be effected?

She could tell him she is more likely to get her figure back quicker?

Why is feeding the only way a dad can bond?

Probably some clever marketing from formula companies. Plus soap mums always end up bottle feeding as you can't have an actress feeding someone else's child or flashing their boobs

He can do baby massage with her, he can bathe her, he can settle her for sleep.

I have breastfed 4 dc's and dp has bonded brilliantly with all 4. DC4's (4 months) favourite place is to lie on his belly and drift of to sleep. He didn't feel pushed out as he knew I was doing the best for my baby.

He may well change his mind once the baby is born, and he sees the baby feeding, and will recognise how important it is to his DW and the baby.

I would back off from anything that could come across as haranguing him, make sure your friend lets him make a very close relationship with the baby - dp did ALL the bathing of DS until he was over 1 yr old. Make his place as baby's father more important than female grandparents, for example. I made sure that dp didn't feel pushed out by my Mum. DP took ds to the baby clinic to be weighted quite often - lots of nappy changing as a newborn - he needs to be involved.

I wasn't mad keen on the idea of bf for an extended period before DS was born, I was sure it would curtail my life, and I would find it a chore. I planned to bf for 6 weeks and then swap to ff. In the end ds was exclusively bf for 4 months and we carried on with mixed feeding til he was nearly 2.

My DH has always been supportive of BF. With DS1, we had an awful time of it. I had to have a section, the latch never worked, I was uber-hormonal and stressed out (baby blues), had no support in the hospital and we ended up FF after a few days. Both me and DH ended up sleep-deprived and crazed (me particularly), the hassle of making up bottles, washing and sterilising drove us both insane and we had to practically pack a military kit to leave the house!

DS2 was born just over a week ago. I was determined to give BF another go and I can't tell you the difference it has made. I managed a VBAC this time around so we had a more natural start and it has been wonderful. DS2 is so much more settled on the boob than DS1 ever was on bottles. The midwife explained to me how BF mothers fall into deep sleep faster and for longer so that we get better sleep over a shorter time and that makes sleep deprivation much easier to handle - it's so so true. It's also great to be able to just stuff a nappy in my handbag and go out rather than dragging out all the bottles.

The biggest difference has been in me - I feel so much more positive and happy I can't tell you. I've had no baby blues at all this time and I'm dealing much better with the broken sleep. Me and DS2 also have such a better bond this time around. DH doesn't feel pushed out because he always makes time to sit with him when he is awake and he helps out with nappies and baths, etc. It's all about making the time to do these things.

We're also dealing with our 2yr old while doing all the above. I put our success (at least for now) almost entirely at the feet of BF. I really hope your friend gets her DH on board because it really is worth it

I would agree with Ladyoftheflowers - my dh was very keen for dd to be breastfed for as long as possible but never thought/knew about the time it takes and so we moved house and he went on countless overseas business trips in the first 2 months. I couldn't carry it on and so mix fed from 3 weeks and fully ff from 8 weeks.
Next time we'll both know and do it better!
Agree with focusing ont he things he can do with the baby - even cuddling baby when it's asleep is so lovely with a newborn (and better than bf a newborn!!)

Thank you again for all these suggestions and kind words!

Neverquitesure - that is a great idea and I do think he really is a nice bloke, just has not really been exposed to this sort of thing before and thinks, well loads of babies are ff and are ok etc etc

You are all stars and I shall be pointing her in the direction of mumsnet!!

RJandA said it best, I ended up ff ds1 and bf ds2 after a struggle at the beginning. One reason I dropped formula top ups urged on us by health care professionals during the day was the time I found myself washing up bottles while baby cried and thought, that's it, I'm not doing this. I want to go and pick him up and feed him directly and not to spend my time on this!

one thing I would add, depending on how paranoid he is about things going wrong, is how having a BF baby is a great way of keeping them out of hospital if they are ill... Perhaps not something which would sell BF for many people but my little DS has had terrible bronchiolitus for the last couple of weeks, and we've been into hosptial twice. Because we are still BF he would still take some food and more importantly liquid. If we hadn't been he would probably have been admitted so they could put him on a drip. Not something I ever thought about before but so grateful the option is available

Oh gosh - I hope the from darleneconnor isn't aimed at my poor DH [puffs out feathers and prepares to fight to the death to defend his honour]

He's been an absolute rock and is always the first one to jump in defend "our decision" and present a united front to the rest of the ("isn't it about time you weaned her" etc) family nay-sayers.

No I think it was aimed at my friend's DP.
Still a bit mean as I had explained he is a really nice guy, just ignorant about breastfeeding.

Ask him what he thinks is in formula. Then point out it's dried modified cow's milk, dried palm oil and a hefty vitamin supplement - occasionally with an artificial stool softener to make it look as though it does the same sort of thing as breastmilk to the digestive system.

Then explain about the way breastmilk essentially immunises babies against the bugs mother and baby come across as they come across them, how it's tailored to each individual child's individual nutritional requirements, how it's fresh food rather than dried, how it's properly sterile whereas formula has to be prepared at 70 degress in order to kill off the bugs that could be in there, how it modifies itself to outside heat so it's more watery when it's hot in order to quench as well as nourish.

Then tell him it's not all about him, and he's a twat.

My DW is 37 weeks so I'm about to be in the same position. I think he needs to be persuaded of the benefits of breastfeeding. If he wants his child to get the best possible start in life then that is breast milk, not forumla. Consider if he owned a Ferrari. Would he use some cheap oil or would he make sure it had the best possible oil?

Here's a good article on breast milk and formula. It explains it in a non touchy feely way that might be better for a bloke.

Another benefit for him is convenience. No faffing about with sterilising bottles, measuring powder, boiling water, making sure you have everything when you go out, running out of forumla and having to make a late night dash to the supermarket.

I'd be happy to email him if he wants to talk to a bloke about it.

nocake - that oil comparison is genius.

Nocake thank you, that is great.
And yes the point about it being tailored as well is fab, thanks! I have a lot of info for my friend now.