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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding under attack - advice sought!

36 replies

MammaToots · 05/11/2010 04:42

I have a BF 5 week old DS. Nights are tough as DS will only sleep on me and so tired that constantly fall asleep while feeding. Real prob though is DH - v unsupportive about bfing, pressuring me to put DS on the bottle, thinks ff easier, more nutritious and doesn't believe "NHS propaganda" about benefits of BF! MIL not helping either. Feel like I am banging head against wall. How can I deal with this BF sabotage?

OP posts:

TanteRoseAliveAndKicking · 05/11/2010 04:53

ignore, ignore...easier said than done, I know.

tell DH that if you were to use formula (which you won't be - cause you are doing really well! it gets better, promise )

but IF you were, then because its his idea, he can buy the powder, buy all the bottles and equipment, make up all the feeds, warm all the bottles, deal with the screaming while your DS waits until the bottle is ready, do all the washing up, change all the much smellier, stickier nappies...

or he can just bring you a cup of tea while you lift your shirt and feed your baby.

ask him which course of action he would prefer?

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 05/11/2010 06:59

Go mamma! You are doing really well.

Imo it is normal for a five week old baby to only fall asleep in arms, regardless of mode of feeding.

If he doesn't believe "nhs propaganda" (and why should he...they are well know for their shares in beastmilk and scant regard for public health ) how about kellymom which links to all the studies that are evidence?

Evolution spent millions of years making human milk perfect for human babies. Men think they can match it with cows milk in a century? Sorry boys.

Show him some of the threads on here about the issues around making up ff. Contrast this with a free, antibacterial, on tap, ready prepared superior product.

As for mil, none of her business.

spidookly · 05/11/2010 07:07

Agree with telling him that bottle feeding will be his job should you switch.

Tell him the baby wouldn't take a bottle from you so all feeds would be up to him for 6.5 weeks until your milk had dried up.

Why does he think a ff baby would sleep better?

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 05/11/2010 07:08

Oh and i second tanterose's suggestion that he deal with ff, and with the pooey nappies which are allegedly much smellier and more frequent in ff babies.

as well as any wind/reflux/tummyache/digestive issues that are more common in bottle and ff feeding. Even when these are keeping your lo up all night.

Also remind him that bf affords better protection against certain cancers. Can you imagine if (god forbid) you were to contract one of these after he had pressured you to give up?

Good luck.

gorionSPARKLERS · 05/11/2010 07:16

FF is easier? ask him how exactly?

Tell him there is nothing to warm up when BF, nothing to sterilise, nothing to take with you when out and about.

You could also point to him that in the unlikely possibility you would start FF he would have to be the one waking up , going to the kitchen and go through the milk making process in the middle of the night and then see if he still thinks it is such a good idea.

gorionSPARKLERS · 05/11/2010 07:17

Sorry, slow typerand xposted

ChocolateMoose · 05/11/2010 07:38

Hmm. Breastfeeding is easier (at least when you get past the first few weeks and the 6 week growth spurt). It has real health benefits
Human milk has a lot of qualities that can't be replicated by formula. See here, here and here

Also, Daddy doesn't have to get up in the night for feeds. Win-win, no?

Good luck!

RubyBuckleberry · 05/11/2010 07:56

according to my DH, there has to be material gain for the person issuing the propaganda for it to be propaganda. therefore its not propaganda!

megonthemoon · 05/11/2010 08:08

I agree with everyone here on how to deal with it.

You might also want to tell him that he can buy the formula, bottles, steriliser etc. out of his personal clothes/drink/social/Starbucks coffee/savings budget too given he is the one planning to add to household expenses like that!

Just wanted to say a big well done to you too and reassure you that it will get easier fairly soon. I am currently ebf my 5 week old DD (snap!) and bf my DS for a year (albeit him with some formula as well). The first 6 weeks or so are the hardest from a bf perspective and it does settle down. By the time your DS is 3-4 months then he'll take no time at all to feed (they seem to just inhale milk!) and will be much more spaced out and settles better without feeding. That is the point at which ff is about 200 times more faff than bf. I never thought I'd make it to a year with DS but after about 4 months it seemed daft to go through the faff of switching to something more complicated and time consuming!

pozzled · 05/11/2010 08:15

Agree with the others. Talk him through what would be involved for EVERY SINGLE formula feed- bottles sterilised and ready, boil kettle, mix, cool down (while baby gets more and more upset). Clean bottle afterwards and sterilise ready for next time.

Compare to BF- lift top, latch on!

The thing about ff being more nutritious is clearly nonsense. Oh and the immunity is so important- when bfing, if my DD got a bug before me I always caught it. But if I got the bug first she never caught it- because she was getting my immunity as quickly as she was exposed to the virus.

So if you changed to ff, your DH will also be responsible for caring for DS if he gets ill!

EauRouge · 05/11/2010 08:41

Is there any chance you can take him along to a BF meeting so they can talk sense into him? Nothing he has said is true and he seems pretty stubborn to change his mind despite being given facts by the NHS. Can you get a GP or someone to blind him with science?

Don't give into him, you sound like you're doing so well and it would be a shame to give formula when you don't need to.

ayjayjay · 05/11/2010 08:44

I would actually be more sneaky and tell DH that you'll consider the points he has made but you would really like to give BF a proper try for your own peace of mind. Tell him you'll review in a month if nothing has improved.

This should make him feel listened to and buy you a month free of comments. Then next month you can say you think you've almost cracked it and maybe review next month (and repeat as required).

If he is anything like my DH who had a similar attitude to yours then his comments are born out of worry from seeing you so exhausted rather than a desire to deliberately undermine you (although it really doesn't feel that way at the time). As long as he can see you are coping he'll probably back off.

ayjayjay · 05/11/2010 08:46

Also only use the argument about how difficult FF is to prepare if you are sure his answer won't be "thats ok we'll just get the cartons then" otherwise it will undermine your argument.

Guacamole · 05/11/2010 09:03

It took 9 weeks for breastfeeding to just click for me and DS. Up until that point I was being pressurised by in laws (and to a certain extent parents) about formula feeding, thankfully my DH was supportive.
My DH now thinks it's fantastic (especially because he doesn't have to get up in the night, or deal with too much crying, I regularly get 'he's hungry, he wants his Mummy'). We had to top up with formula in the early days and by God was it a faff, my DH was forever sterilising!
Tell your DH that once breastfeeding is established it is not only the best thing for your baby but it's the best thing for you and him. I don't know what more you can do.
I'm still breastfeeding at 7 months and regularly get lectured about how it is time DS had a bottle and the big one from my MIL is she is concerned about my health because you shouldn't breastfeed babies with teeth apparently?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 05/11/2010 09:12

Agree with all the others, but might be able to help on the night feeding problems. I was like that and kept nodding off and DD (now 6m) wouldn't get a proper feed and never really settled after. My best idea was to go downstairs, watch something I'd recorded and really liked. CSI was great for this, just under 1hr if you FF through the ads. Perfect for a lovely long feed and snuggle back to sleep (we co-sleep after 5am), and i didn't feel like hell and resent DD for my nocturnal waking, so much more enjoyable with CSI to watch.
Hope it helps, and keep going, you're doing a fantastic job.

tiktok · 05/11/2010 09:14

'More nutritious?'

How's he work that one out, then?

Women have been making species-specific milk for their babies for the entire length of time we have been on the planet, and before we were recognisably human...in just the same way as other mammals make species-specific milk for their young.

What does he think formula is? Ask him - he might genuinely not know. Or he might think it has been magicked into something that's not cows milk with added sprinkles of fairy dust.

Whatever he thinks it is, how could it compare with a few billion years of evolution? Would he think another animal's blood would be better for a human being than human blood?

FanjolinaJolie · 05/11/2010 09:19

Great advice Ayjayjay

I too don't think he's trying to undermine you but will be worried about how your're (all/both?) coping with the sleep deprivation, perhaps he thinks that formula will allow baby at go longer at night between feeds?

Keep on keeping on you are doing brilliantly!

lurcherlover · 05/11/2010 14:06

Just a thought - do you think he could be jealous as he isn't currently involved in feeding, and you are obviously more needed by the baby than he is at the mo? Same could go for MIL (mine is "supportive" of breastfeeding but also very reluctant to hand DS over to me when he needs a feed - I have to say very loudly "I really think baby needs a feed now" several times!) Is he involved in other aspects of baby's care - nappies, baths etc? Perhaps something could be designated his "job", like the bathing? And another couple of weeks and you could try expressing, then he can start to be involved in feeds too.

LittlebearH · 05/11/2010 14:11

FF is messier and harder than BF. You are doing a great job. Tell him to shush!! Maybe you could express a few ounces so to include him in the feeding.
I was under pressure to stop BF as DD wasn't sleeping through. She is nearly 9 months and now weaned and FF and she still doesn't sleep through.

You are doing the best thing for your baby. (and it is free!)
Keep up the fabulous work.

putthekettleon · 05/11/2010 15:20

take him to the supermarket and show him the side of a formula packet. I think they all have to have a bit of a disclaimer saying something along the lines of 'breastmilk is the best thing for your baby. If breastfeeding is not possible, this is a breastmilk substitute...'

Ask him why he thinks you should be giving DS a 'substitute' when he can have the real thing!

Fibilou · 05/11/2010 16:50

I suggest you make your DH buy the stuff required for FFing out of his own money, then on your next night feed make him get up, prepare the feed and bring it up. I suspect both you and the baby will be asleep again before he has made the feed up.

getting up in the night for a BF baby really is very little bother as they are asleep again in 5 minutes.

thisisyesterday · 05/11/2010 16:59

you should maybe ask him what he thinks formula milk is trying to replicate.
what does it want to be? what do formula manuffacturers keep telling us their product is most like?

if he gets it right and guesses breastmilk you can then ask him how he thinks formula is more nutritious? when it is a copy of the stuff you have for free in your breasts (and not a great copy at that)

I would then refuse to talk about it with him at all until he has actually read some stuff about it, including evidence based studies.

browniebear · 05/11/2010 17:00

i was preasured into ff with dd after a week by dh and mil and everyone else as i was complaining about pain when feeding. dd now 6y and i was determined to bf ds 5m and have stuck to it. Dont give up honestly bf is far better and easier. I agree with posters that you should suggest he does all the steralising and night feeding if hes that bothered. Keep bf i promise it will get better

Kiwiinkits · 05/11/2010 22:43

This isn't supposed to be unsupportive, but I would do a little more research into why your baby will "only sleep on you". At this age it will be worth putting in the effort to teach baby how to self-settle. Please don't take this the wrong way, I think you may be looking in the wrong place for the solution to your problem.

tiktok · 05/11/2010 22:50

Kiwiinkits - this baby is 5 weeks old.

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