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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

breastfeeding in front of inlaws

33 replies

lainey1981 · 27/10/2010 12:27

hello,

i am 36+5 with my first, and very much excited about his arrival and am planning on breastfeeding him.

My dp's mum is very excited and is constantly talking about coming to 'bond' with baby.
I am more than happy for in laws to come and visit as soon as we are home from hospital, but am a bit nervous about breastfeeding in front of them as I will imagine it's not something I or the baby will be great at straight away.

I don't want to have to go out of the room, as I will feel that they think I am being prudish (which I guess I am), and DPs mum was happy to breastfeed in front of me recently (she has a toddler herself), though it being her 5th child she had had plenty of practice and with a shawl was very discreet.

Also, what if DS takes an hour to feed - feel a bit bad if they arrive to see him and we disappear off for an hour.

Am I being silly? Should i get some kind of shawl or breastfeeding wrap to cover baby and my breast while he feeds? Or will some muslin cloth be sufficient?

AIBU to say that for the first couple of days I would prefer that DPs sisters (aged 18months, 10, and 15) don't come to visit too, I feel that having 5 people while I am trying to get baby latched on would prove a bit much for me. His sisters are very in your face and wouldn't think twice I'm sure about offering me advice Shock as they deem themselves experts having recently helped out with their baby sister.

wish i didn't have these inhibitions, and am sure that after a few weeks of practice I won't be so worried [hopeful smiley] as we will be spending lots of time with them over christmas too

OP posts:
otchayaniye · 27/10/2010 12:41

When it comes to it, I doubt you'll care. You'll be more focused on stopping your baby from crying than worrying about them.

I spent almost all the first 6 months with my tits out on. Various people, including male colleagues, visited.

Good luck!

otchayaniye · 27/10/2010 12:44

Don't ever listen to anyone who says you are being silly, and that you should breastfeed in front of thousands, up a tent pole, while cooking.

It can be hard to mentally get in the right space to, erm, not give a fuck what anyone might say or think.

Lastyearsmodel · 27/10/2010 12:47

Take to your bed and make sure DP takes care of you before visitors, or ask everyone to leave until you and baby are comfy. And brief DP well on your wishes!

Lovely that you are planning to bf and your MIL is an experienced bfer!

sedgiebaby · 27/10/2010 12:48

I found BF much harder than I thought I would, it really needed my concentration to get the latch right for example, now 3 weeks+ later I am only just getting confident about having that right and learning how to be discreet as well.

I would think you will want to go out of the room and steal yourself away. If they don't get it then too bad.

You could also get DP to say that you need a couple of days to settle in with baby and then you will be in touch about visits, then give them a day/time so you keep control. Start how you mean to go on?

Your baby is your priority especially when it comes to establishing the feeding there is nothing more important, relatives feelings will have to just take a back seat.

stinkypants · 27/10/2010 12:48

hello
i felt exactly the same before my first son was born, was terribly worried about feeding in front of certain people, but actually as soon as he was born i just didn't care- stopped thinking of my breasts in the same way. however, i know what you mean about the whole business being new to you and i did feel awkward in terms of my inexperience- i think it is fair enough to want a bit of privacy - sometimes i would go into another room to latch on then come back in once he was on. i find that as soon as you begin unbuttoning your top the men all stand up and go into the kitchen etc. women tend to be less afraid to have a good look but only i think to see their grandson guzzling, which is quite lovely.
you can expose a minimal amount of flesh by having 2 layers on, one to pull up and one to pull down. also if baby is in a blanket you can have this on its head like a hood and this creates a bit more cover. once s/he is latched on there is then nothing much on show.
i really wouldn't prevent visitors though - i bet you wont want to because you'll be desperate to show the baby off, and you'll want all the help/advice you can get if your experience is anything like mine!!!
good luck x

PrivetDancer · 27/10/2010 12:50

Re the SILs, I think just in general it's a good idea to limit visitors in the first few days (or first week) anyway. You'll be emotional, you'll want some peace. Make your DH be the gatekeeper.

I found that if I said something along the lines of 'Oh you need feeding don't you' to the baby, then FILs etc tend to make themselves scarce anyway, at least giving you time to latch on and get settled.

You're right that it's not easy to be slick when you're both starting with feeding. But adding a muslin / cover into the mix really won't make it any easier I don't think, you're just more likely to get flustered if you're like me.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to just disappear upstairs with the baby either, if you do feel uncomfortable.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 27/10/2010 12:50

I didn't bf in front of my ILs ever. I used it as a perfect excuse to have peace and quiet!! You'll be so exhausted to start with that escaping will be great and by the time you have the hang of it you may not care!!

This is your first baby and you have every right to be as precious as you want, have only the people you want to visit and don't feel that you have to let children 'hold your baby' as parents do seem to let their children do this!!

MumNWLondon · 27/10/2010 12:54

With my first my FIL left the room as soon as I said the baby was hungry. I always wore big cardigans so you couldn't see much anyway so happy to have family in room once LO was latched on nicely.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/10/2010 12:54

I would have a chat with your MIL - just say that you're keen for everyone to be involved BUT, that you are also wanting to get BFing established so you're sure she'll understand if you want everyone to make themselves scarce.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 12:55

I have to admit I never BF in front of anyone other than DH and a couple of friends from A/natal class who were also doing it.

I couldn't do in front of IL's/Parents/Siblings etc. Even once I got the hang of it I still wouldn't do it and if people thought I was being a bit off/previous, tough.

Do what you feel comfortable with, if you don't feel comfortable then you may end up giving up earlier than you'd like.

Hope this makes sense.

SpringHeeledJack · 27/10/2010 12:57

what posie said...I used to be very happy about public feeding- but also happy to slope off to the bedroom for Discreet Feeding as necessary-invariably meant 40 winks. It was very, very useful!

OooeeeoooeeeoooeeEthel · 27/10/2010 12:59

I happily whap the baps out in front of my mum but not so keen with my MIL, lovely though she is. When we go to see her she automatically offers me the use of her bedroom to feed & tells me to take as long as we need, which is nice.

I think in the first few days its not so much feeling self-conscious as getting the hang of it and things are always more difficult with someone watching you. I would go to another room if you dont find it too easy, just to give yourself and your baby time and space to feed properly.

Good luck. Smile

Ragwort · 27/10/2010 13:03

Agree with Posie and Spring - I rarely BF in front of anyone except DH - it was a lovely reason to go and lie down quietly in my comfortable bedroom (or in someone else's bedroom if necessary) - peace and quiet - who cares if people though I was being 'prudish' - do whatever YOU want.

CakeandRoses · 27/10/2010 13:04

Agree with the other posters who said just do what makes you feel comfortable - whether it be leaving the room or staying putting and not worrying about any 'discretion'.

Personally, I've always bf in front of anyone but I don't like ANY breast showing so bought a bf cover which I found far less of a faff then a muslin or blanket.

Most people limit visitors for the first few days so ime they'll understand if you would prefer the sisters not to visit immediately.

Best of luck for the birth!

DuelingFanjo · 27/10/2010 13:08

I dont think you are being silly and I don't neccesarily think you will 'not care'.

I am not going to breastfeed in front of my inlaws at first which will make Christmas very interesting. I am under the impression that it takes a bit of practice for both the baby and the new mum and ther could be a lot of pulling off, milk squirting and general discomfort, which I don't want to have to do in front of people so will be asking for a private place to go or going to my own bedroom if we have visitors.

Hopefully once things have settled down a bit I will feel completely confident about breastfeeding in public but I know I willl prefer privacy at the start.

Roshin · 27/10/2010 13:11

As others have said - take it as an excuse to get some peace and quiet.

Just say baby finds it easier to latch on in a quiet environment.

Make sure your DP is briefed and brings you regular drinks and chocolate healthy snacks. Grin

Good luck!

Roshin · 27/10/2010 13:14

Having said that... my in-laws visited whilst I was in the hospital, DS was ready for a feed and no matter how much I hinted they stayed put - sat at the end of my bed. So in the end I just got on with it. MIL looked horrified and suddenly jumped up and made herself busy. FIL however, stayed put and just stared Hmm

pommedeterre · 27/10/2010 13:21

Eww Roshin, Yuck.
I took baby upstairs to feed when ILs arrived 3 days in. Good excuse to get away, hold your own baby (sounds odd I know but just you wait!) and if poss have some time with dh too (mine used to come with me).

EauRouge · 27/10/2010 13:22

If you wear a stretchy vest top underneath a T shirt (or your pyjamas!) then that should be enough, and you can have a muslin handy just in case.

Make sure your DH will back you up if you've had enough of visitors, make up a code word or something if you need to. You'll be fairly knackered and you'll want to spend lots of lovely bonding time with your new baby so you don't want visitors overstaying their welcome unless they are going to clean and cook Grin

Good luck with everything!

wonderstuff · 27/10/2010 13:23

I used to go elsewhere to get dd latched then go back to guests with her attached. I also liked to have a big scarf to drape over - found muslins too little.

Congratulations and good luck Smile

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2010 13:25

I had no problems feeding in a cafe or most social gatherings, but FIL would have spontaneously combusted had he seen it, and MIL would have been massively disapproving. Now I probably should have fought the good fight and done it anyway, but the temptation of legitimately disappearing for half an hour when they were staying was too tempting. So that's what I did.

Original poster
lainey1981 · 27/10/2010 13:45

thank you all for your lovely advice and comments.

feel more prepared to do what I feel comfortable with at the time now Smile

OP posts:
motherinferior · 27/10/2010 13:53

I'd put the SILs off but not worry about MIL. She won't turn a hair at breastfeeding, I'm quite sure.

Good luck!

Wholelottalove · 27/10/2010 14:29

Agree with others to do what you feel comfortable with. I did feed in front of a few people, including FIL, which I never would have imagined I'd be ok with before the event. I think it helped he neither gawped nor looked embarassed but just carried on chatting and seemed at ease with it. In the first few days though, I don't think I fed in front of many people - MIL and SIL who both made one or two 'oh she can't be hungry again' type comments Hmm and my own mother and sister.

Your MIL might be a great source of support if she's BF 5 DC as well.

caramelgirl · 27/10/2010 14:46

Yes, definitely agree with other posters that it is about what you are comfy with. And I found (as someone who normally lacks appropriate modesty) that I really didn't appreciate friends staying put and assuring me that I should carry on and feed in front of them. My DD fought me at every feed (now realise it was probably wind) and it was not fun to feed her or probably to witness either. I don't mean to be negative, I fed for a year in total, she put on weight like a champ and it was easy after a while, but definitely tricky at first.

Also second the self-imposed exile suggestion. We allowed our parents one visit to see the new arrival and one a couple of weeks later for my dad's 60th and that was it until DD was 6 weeks old. We'd warned everyone off beforehand and they knew to wait for the call until we felt like we were vaguely competent parents. Now they are v involved and I don't feel resentful at all

handing her over to them, whereas on those first visits I didn't really want anyone to hold her but me (and occasionally DH).

Good luck with it all and enjoy your first few weeks with your new arrival