Love breastfeeding but feeling a little hard done by

[MumOfEmily]

I've ebf my 10 month old dd and still going strong, with no intention of stopping anytime soon. I'd like to let her self wean ideally.

My only niggle is that I feel like I'm starting to get left out of stuff because of my need to be with dd most of the time. I'm the only one left in my group of NCT mums still bf and have had to say no to several evening meals out with them now. Trouble is, my dd still might wake up in the evening for a feed so I can't really leave her. I always just go and feed her back to sleep, as this is so easy to do. I'm starting to feel a bit jealous of their freedom to leave their babies for a night out/day etc, and a bit pathetic for always having to say no. I'd quite like to go out for a swim in the evening occasionally too and would love the opportunity to do something by myself for a while.

Don't get me wrong - I love bf my dd and will always put her first above all else. My dh is very supportive of me bf but thinks we should be a bit tougher at night and try and nightwean her, so I can be assured of an evening out occasionally. Even when we're at home in the evening, I'm just waiting for her to wake up for a feed and so feel like I can never really relax.

Am I just being selfish or does anyone else ever feel like this? How do you find the right balance between your baby's needs and your own wish to have some "me" time? I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way...

I think this is very common with first babies. And of course you're not being selfish - the desire to have some time back to yourself is all part of the bonds starting to stretch as both you and she get more independent.

I bfed both of mine, and they were still sometimes waking in the evenings for quite a while after their first birthday, but at some point I just started to get tougher and went out anyway. This was really hard with my first and involved several teeth-gritted evenings which I actually didn't really enjoy, but much easier with the second.

You will get different perspectives on the nightweaning issue but personally I don't think nightweaning is an easy (or, tbh realistic) goal at 10 months - most babies, particularly bf ones, will still wake for night feeds well into their second year.

However you don't need to nightwean to enjoy the odd evening out - your DH may be able to rock or feed the baby back to sleep, and if not (mine almost never went down for my husband) then they can just cuddle up on the sofa for an hour or two until you're home - there's worse things than a few hours on the sofa with Dad/Granny or whoever.

you have 2 options.

either you keep the feedling/sleeping thing exactly as it is and try going out for a bit as soon as you have fed her to sleep? I did this lots even when the boys were EBF (an much much smaller than your LO). Perhaps organise a get-together somewhere close to you? Maybe just with one supportive friend to start? What is the worst that could happen?

or you ask you DH to start putting her to bed after her last feed and then dealing with her when she wakes so that she gets out of the habit of needing milk for sleep.

or a bit of both

BTW I came back from my hen-night at 1am to find a red-eyed, chocolate-smeared DS1 blearily building lego towers with my red-eyed, chocolate-smeared DH!

When you say EBF your 10 month old do you mean alongside solids? Or really still EBF? If she is having solids then she should be able to manage a few hours without you - so feed her and then go out.

I assume she will not take a bottle of EBM and you have tried this? My DS2 is 20 weeks and I have left him both in the day and in the evening, if he's hungry he'll drink his EBM from a bottle. He goes to the creche in the gym, I BF him there and then I go swimming while he stays there for an hour.

Its up to you how you feel about night weaning, personally I would greatly resent the situation you describe - having first left DS2 to see Sex in the City when he was only a couple of weeks old (left with DH) and I am not a fan of "feeding to sleep" (past the first few weeks) as I think its important that my babies are able to settle themselves rather than being a human dummy - you have to balance out what is best for you.

This is pretty natural for an EBFing mum to feel at some point! I'm surprised you got to 10mths!

There is no need to nightwean yet but isn't there a compromise to be had where your DH can settle her occasionally to sleep with EBM/water/cuddles? Then you just resume for the majority or as much as you want to. In our case my partner settled our son at least once a week from 5weeks onwards (not so I could go out partying - just to have a break mainly). It may not be easy to start with, esp as she is not used to it but that is not a reason not to at least give it a try and if you are starting to feel these slightly negative things then you are definitely ready & at 10mths she should well be able to manage, even if there is protest at first. It might actually be easier to try if you are not at home so she doesn't have the sense you will come eventually.

The other thing is that as she drops feeds over time with taking more solids then there will be less reliance on BFing.
As for finding the right balance - well, if there was an easy answer to this, someone would be very rich indeed! More & more I just think if you jog along ok mostly, always have something to look forward to & take the time to smell flowers, etc etc then you must be doing something right.

There's a difference between night weaning and not feeding to sleep though. My DS2 (20 months and still bf) almost never feeds to sleep - I feed him and then usually give him to DH to put in his cot. Some time in the not too distant future we'll introduce a tooth-brushing between the feed and the sleep as well.

But he's not nightweaned. Unless you're prepared to do CC (which I wasn't) I think it's quite hard to nightwean a pre-verbal baby before they're ready.

I still fed mine to sleep at this age, including night wakeups, so I do understand, but I would defintely try and introduce a bottle (of EBM if it's important to you) if you're feeling like this.

I find the idea of a "human dummy" funny, though. What do you think the word dummy refers to, MumNW? It's a reference to the fact that it is a dummy version of the human breast. You can't be a human dummy, it sets up some sort of referential loop, and then I think maybe the universe explodes.

You don't absolutely need to introduce a bottle btw - mine never took one (their choice - not for want of trying!)

But you can go out without leaving a bottle. They won't starve in the course of one evening.

I thought dummy came from the word "dumb" ie the child can't speak with one in but yes can see its a dummy (fake) nipple. I did feed my DD (PFB) to sleep when she was tiny but managed to wean her off by around 10 weeks - around the time she found her thumb so could self soothe. And with DS2, my 3rd DC have only fed to sleep when he's been totally overtired.

Either way my breasts are for feeding not for pacifying! (deliberate use of word).

OP: On the basis your DD is having solids and hence should be able to go 3 hours between milk feeds, feed her before and go out when you want, she will not starve and can always be cuddled by her daddy or whoever else is babysitting.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies - all very sensible and reassuring. It's so good to get some second opinions about this from other mums who've been through it. :)

You're right - it wouldn't be the end of the world if she woke up whilst I was out. She loves her Daddy but certainly expects me when she wakes - she will cry if he tries to settle her - perhaps for 15 minutes before going back to sleep with his reassurance. This makes me feel guilty - if all I'm doing is going out and having fun! But I probably need to relax a bit and realise that there is a balance to be struck and it won't cause permanent psychological damage if I'm not there one evening!

MumNWLondon - Yes, my dd is eating solids now too - sorry, maybe wrong use of "ebf"! We've been doing blw and, although she does eat a fair amount, it is variable from day to day. She does reluctantly take a bottle (only recently - she refused one for many months) but this doesn't seem to be acceptable in the night time - the night feeds are so much about comfort too. I have left her in the daytime with dh for up to 7 hours whilst I did keeping in touch days at work and she drank maybe an ounce of ebm from the bottle and was perfectly happy without me.

She can settle herself for her daytime naps without needing a feed and, a couple of months ago, we changed the order of bedtime to try and break the feed-sleep cycle so that I now feed her before bathtime and she's fine with that. Some nights she does sleep right through and other nights, wakes up 4 or 5 times for a feed! It's just so unpredictable!

'I think its important that my babies are able to settle themselves rather than being a human dummy'

I disagree. I think it's important to remember that babies are babies for such short periods of time and should have their needs met. If the worst were to happen and I were to lose my DD, what would I regret more... leaving her to 'self soothe' to conform to some sort of society-imprinted stereotype of a 'good' baby, or feeding her and cuddling her on demand whilst she's still small? I think it's a no-brainer.

MumOfEmily - I don't think you're being selfish at all, and I say that as someone with a 10mo DD who is exactly the same. I recently had to make a break for it and get some 'me' time (decided to take driving lessons). However, as my DD is more independent in the day, I decided to use that time for myself instead. It's just an hour every Wednesday but was an easy compromise; I get a break but without upsetting DD (who gets time with Nanny). Just putting that out there as another idea :)

Thanks for your reply Jemjabella. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one with a 10mo DD who still loves her milk! Good luck with the driving lessons - sounds like a productive use of your time away from DD!

Maybe I should try and do more daytime activities like you, as my DD is also happier to be without me during the day. I'm always reluctant to go off my own at weekends though as I see that time as time for the 3 of us as a family. Unfortunately I don't have any family nearby to look after DD for me, which would be a great help. However, there are a couple of other mums I've become quite good friends with - maybe I should pluck up the courage and ask one of them if they could look after dd for an hour whilst I swim, or something!

You guys have really helped - I am already feeling more cheerful about the whole thing. Seems like you can be a devoted mother and have some time to yourself too. :)

'I think its important that my babies are able to settle themselves rather than being a human dummy'

Each to their own. I said "my" babies. Thats how I feel. My DD needed me to fall asleep, but ended up with colic and screaming all evening due to me overfeeding her as she was sucking to settle when she didn't actually need to feed. When we cut the feeding back to a 3 hourly routine the colic disappeared, and she learned to suck her thumb. I fed DS1 to sleep but it ended up me having to settle him at the end of every sleep cycle all night (ie every 45 mins, sometimes 1 1/2 hours!) - we did controlled crying at 6 months as it wasn't possible for me to function at work with settling him all night.

So I had 2 bad experiences of sucking to sleep and I didn't want to do that again, so have never tried it with DS2, who will settle himself within a couple of minutes. Of course I hope I don't lose my DS2 but I don't feel guilty about not settling him with a breast.

OP: Based on what you have said you should be able to go out in the evening. Leave a bottle of EBM and if she wakes then her daddy or other babysitter can comfort her. I have always gone to the gym first thing on a sunday morning (ie for when it opens) - we did do family stuff and DC spend an hour with their dad while I am there.

I don't think you're selfish either. It seems perfectly normal to me to go out alone sometimes.

My DD is 19 months old now. She eats a reasonable amount of solid food but drinks as much BM as she can every morning, night and weekend. I've gone out to dinner with friends since she was a few months old and she does several whole days a week at nursery.

As long as DD is with her Dad or others she knows and trusts, I'm confident that she'll be fine without me for a few hours.

I don't think you're selfish either. It seems perfectly normal to me to go out alone sometimes.

My DD is 19 months old now. She eats a reasonable amount of solid food but drinks as much BM as she can every morning, night and weekend. I've gone out to dinner with friends since she was a few months old and she does several whole days a week at nursery.

As long as DD is with her Dad or others she knows and trusts, I'm confident that she'll be fine without me for a few hours.

"I said "my" babies. Thats how I feel." ...likewise. Didn't tell you that you should raise your children differently - that's not my place however strongly I disagree - just posting an opposite viewpoint for a nicely balanced thread.

jemjabella - Just out of interest, do you find that your DD feeds at predictable times during the night? It's just that there's no pattern to my DD's night feeds, which I find difficult to understand! Sometimes she wakes just an hour after going to bed and other times she goes through the whole night.

Thanks for your reply too, togarama. Sounds like these babies can be quite flexible, as long as someone they know and trust is looking after them.

I know exactly how you feel having EBF four babies, the fourth is 4 months and a total non sleeping boob monster.

I have gotten to 12 months with the previous two (first one was a brilliant sleeper) and decided to night wean as I had had enough by then. What we did is take me completely out the equation so when they got up at night Daddy went to then, patted them, sshed them, sat with them but no boob. First night was tough, second night better and by the third night they slept through. I still fed them mornings and evenings for a while after that.

You should be able to go out for an evening, jsut go your DH and baby will cope without you. Leave a bottle of EBM if you like, go for an hour at first, then 2 hours then the evening.

I also found the minute I night weaned thier appetite went through the roof and they were much better at eating food during the day.

Can I just add something...

It is really easy to see the whole 'me' time thing as a negative thing, but I think there is a really positive aspect to it in terms of her relationship with her dad. I don't quite know how to say this in the right way, but I get the feeling that a different sort of bonding goes on between father and child when the mother is not around to 'rescue' them when the child gets upset.

I know how you feel MumofEmily, I was in a similar situation not so long ago! My DD is 23 mo now and (pretty much) night weaned although she still wakes up a fair bit. I'm not a fan of CC or that type of thing.

You might be surprised how well your DD will settle with just your DH there. I started going out with a group of friends when DD was around 6 months old. I would only go out for a couple of hours (to the village pub quiz, a 2 minute drive) and make DH swear that he would phone me if she started crying. He never did and she was always asleep when I got back. This gave me confidence to go out for a bit longer, to the cinema or to a gig. I still keep my phone with me just in case though!

Try letting your DH give it a go, just try short trips to start with and see how it goes.

No, no predictability here. Some nights she feeds hourly, some nights she'll do a nice 4-5 hours and then feed hourly She likes her boobah.

OP, you've had some good advice here. Just to add that I could have written your post word for word (although my DS is only 8.5 months).

If it would make you feel more at ease, could you leave some EBM in a sippy / doidy cup if you think she'll refuse the bottle? But I agree she'll probably manage fine without.

I reduced my DS's night feeds when he started waking at the end of every sleep cycle because I always took the easy way out of feeding him to sleep whenever he woke. I now resettle without feeding whenever I can, and feed him when I can't. I'm fortunate that I can do the non-feeding resettling without having to wake up DH and persuade him to do it, which works for us.

I find it's easy to be ambivalent about leaving DS with DH. Part of me is keen to have a break, but part of me doesn't want to relinquish that degree of control I've always had, I think.

If she will take a bottle and you can leave some for her it is perfectly OK for DH to settle her if need be.

I have fed both my DS's to sleep and they have learned to settle for DH without it, simply because they don't expect food from him so get comfort in other ways.

DS2 is still EBF not quite 6 mths and I have been out quite a few times since having him, I just kiss him goodbye and leave them too it.

What angeldog says - leave breast milk an she can either have it out of a bottle or a sippy cup, whatever you and your DD prefer. Its lovely to get out yourself for a wee while - even for a couple of hours. I have had one proper night out and left 26oz of expressed milk so that I could have a drink. I have also been out for a few hours to go to the local shops. Fed before I left, left 5oz and came back 3 hours later and my DD was fine. It'll be good for her to spend 1:1 time with her Dad too. Have a short trial run. Maybe go out to a friends for a cuppa?

Disagree with you mumnwlondon about feeding to sleep. I think that feeding to sleep is one of the greatest advantages of breastfeeding. Its comforting to baby and mum. I know that its your personal opinion though and that alot of people agree with me too.

Have you not heard of the term "dummy tit"? . A dummy is essentially a fake nipple!

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies - it's given me lots of food for thought and the confidence to try and go out sometime soon and see how it goes. DD will take milk from bottle, doidy or sippy cup but not what appears to be a full feed. And it probably won't send her back to sleep like a good bf will. At least I can leave her some milk in case she really is hungry though. And I do know that she can self-settle - there just seem to be different rules at night time!

I see what you mean, muddleduck, about letting DD and her Daddy bond in their own special way. It's sometimes tempting to think that only my way is the right way and letting him have some control is difficult, like AngelDog says. Funnily enough, I sometimes think that DD actually prefers her Dad - she's more animated and smiley for him. I think I'm just part of the furniture! Maybe that goes to show that I really should get out a bit more :)

I'm glad to hear that it's not just my DD who is completely unpredictable, jemjabella! I guess it's nice that they love to feed so much...

Do bottle-fed babies not feed to sleep in the same way then? Is that why some bottle-fed babies sleep through the night better, as they have to learn to settle themselves earlier? Never really thought about that before.

What a great resource to be able to get so many opinions and support. It's easy to feel a bit alone sometimes - but clearly that's not the case! Thanks again, ladies.