Why does my mil hate breastfeeding so much?

[nickytwotimes]

Jesus, it's not like I am asking her to do it?

Why are some people like that?

Am curious... Did you manage to educate your mum Kathy?

No, not really.

She never could sit in a room when any of us was breast feeding and was mortified when one sister bf very discretely in a coffee shop with her. To her, it was like mooning in public and she just couldn't get past it.

But she did stop trying to promote formula eventually after that case of chinese formula poisoning babies.

My mum didn't bf as she just couldn't get her head around the idea and basically didn't want to do it. Me and sis were bottle fed but she still supports us in bf our children and wasn't embarressed when i bf my newborn at a funeral last week.
I do get the odd remarks onhow if DC3 was on a bottle she could of had her more. All 3 girls hated bottles and would not ever take a dummy. Yes it might of made things easier but my kids knew what was best for them and stuck with it.
DS on the other hand I had trouble feeing him so he was on ff from about 6 weeks old. I fell huge guilt from this but without the option of 'life-saving formula' PND would of took over me and he would not of got fed

I have a friend who declares that she will not bf when she has children because it's "just so weird!" Um, really? The most natural thing in the world, weird?

But yes OP, everything else everyone said. Guilt, shame at exposed breasts, etc, etc.

FellatioNelson - I agree with the other poster who points out that bfing is associated with a hight bone density, and not a lower bone density.

And if a woman is bfing each child exclusively, she is very unlikely to have 12 children because bfing is a very good contraceptive particularly when food is scarce - which is why many tribal women would have just four or five children throughout their life despite never using contraception.

And that is also why upper class women were stopped from breastfeeding so that they could get pregnant again as soon as possible and have as many children as possible.

Also totally agree with TrillianAstra - there is a generation of women who have been taught that breasts are dirty.

MOrning all.

Icklejess, he is doing better thanks.

SOme brilliant answers here. I think there is definitely TOTALLY misplaced guilt/regret. ANd she shouldn't feel that at all. If it was the 70s atm, I'd be formula feeding, no question.

I hadn't considered the concept of bfing being like banging clothes of a rock, etc, but yes, that would make sense too. Giving birth, etc, was awful for her and my own DM. Very medicalised where it wasn't necessary. And very patriarchal/misogynistic.

I do feel sad for her. She is so hostile, it must come partly from regret. And for my own Mum who desperately wanted to bf but was told by mws that her milk wasn't any good and that I was too lazy! SHe lived too far from her own mum (who bfed 7 no problems!) to have the right support.

Mil does think it is vulgar too. ANd she frequently says that if babies are ffed, then at least you can 'hand them to someone else for the day'. So yeah, she probably is miffed she can't get involved, though I have expressed occassionally. Find it a faff though and it is not like I am desperate to go anywhere atm.

GOt the 'how long are you keeping htis up for' comments since week 2!

nicky how's your little boy getting on? I hope things are getting better.

My ILs are a bit about long term BF and probably would be about BF in generally but their daughter fed all of hers that way so they've got over it. I do now get the "how long are you going to feed for" question as DS approaches 1. I've told them a million times that as DS can't have dairy or soya, it'll be for a while yet! They've stopped asking although we do get the odd comment when he has expressed milk (sarcastic "only the best for you" or "don't you want proper food?").

It is jealousy I think as MIL told me that she had tried to BF but gave up - she was instructed to feed every four hours and got mastitis, poor woman. Even sadder is that from her description, her daughter had reflux and was very very sicky which could have been made worse from having formula.

x - post nicky, glad he's better!

cloudydays - you should be proud of combo-feeding your DD. You are giving her as much breastmilk as your body possibly can, with loads of benefits including supporting her immune system. Well done you.

x-post iggly.
he is doing better.

I did a thanks thread the other day.
Must bump it again for all those fab people like yourself who helped me during The Dark Weeks.

Don't get me wrong, he is still a f*iong nightmare, but there are periods of enjoyment and even some sleep! And he smiles. And eats. And I don't feel like chucking myself under passing lorries with such regularity.

Strwberrysam - which is why my comment on the scarcity of food is relevant - bfing is not such a good contraceptive in wed fed western women compared to women in countries were food is scarce.

very impressive though to bf four children all at once! Good for your friend.

I had two close friends who are now not so close .. because I breastfeed.

One told me to stop by 2 months, and said in all seriousness babies do not need your milk after 2 months. This friend, banished me to a cold room at the top of her house, 2 flights of stairs up, when I needed to bf my six week old baby. Other people were in her house too and she screwed up her face at me. My Dh came up and we left. I can not tell you how annoyed I was to have taken the baby around at such a young age but was polite in leaving. I have never been back to her house. Also the next week I was in a cafe - bf, and her DH was in the same cafe and screwed up his face at me and did not say hello and looked away. Next time I saw him I was not bf and he said hello.

The other, who does not have children, commented on my breastfeeding style (WTF?) and then said that it would be weird to BF up to a year, and that when she sees women doing this she just wants them to put them away??

And so that is that. My DH and I simply do not see them anymore, however I realise you could not do that with a MIL.

My MIL 'didn't have enough milk' although she says she was desperate to breastfeed. However, to my pleasant surprise she (and FIL) are totally supportive of me doing it and were really pleased when I managed to get DS latched on after 8 weeks of expressing. They have since asked when I'm going to give up, but in an interested in my plans way rather than a you should do so way, iyswim.

My mum bfed both my sister and I in 1982 and 1979 respectively. She told me that when she had my sister, it was only her and one other woman on the ward bfing and she had to go down to the nursery to do it - the midwifes wouldn't bring the baby to her. I think its only because she must have had a really good supply that she managed to establish feeding.

That's sad pinkfizzle - a very good friend of mine recently told another friend that bfing past one year wasn't really 'normal'- despite me sitting practically opposite and bfing ds aged nearly two! I really didn't know what to make of the comment.

Missmarjoriebanks - unfortunately there are still many women who don;t bf because they 'don't have enough milk'.

Anyway nickytwotimes, well done for continuing to bf despite your mil.

It is sad - as I would have hoped they would be supportive, being girlfriends and all that stuff, but both friendships have pretty much ended. They have seen my baby twice, in a total of 11 months.

Ah thanks longtailjosie very nice of you to say that. TBH I rarely go on bf forums anymore because I find myself between two stools - often the ff mums are defensive and sometimes dismissive of the benefits of bf as a result, and very often the bf mums are so anti-formula it just adds to my guilt and feelings of failure.

Some women don't have enough milk. It's true. I know it's sometimes used as an excuse or new mothers don't know it will increase and formula is pushed on them too early. But some women don't have enough milk, and when you're genuinely doing your best and pumping for hours in the middle of the night to get an ounce out to add to the formula, it is hurtful to see "not enough milk" put in inverted commas implying it can't be true.

Anyway it's a different discussion and don't want to hijack nicky so will leave it there. But wanted to say thanks for the kind and encouraging words.

:) @ cloudydays

Like you sound to be I'm MASSIVELY pro-breastfeeding. But I'm even more pro healthy babies whatever that takes. It doesn't matter how good BM is, if it's not being produced, it isn't going to do any good!

I strongly believe that all evidence based information should be given to mothers who have the option to BF and thereafter it's her choice. Whatever that choice is it is right for her personal circumstances and is therefore always the right one. Giving the information is not to make her feel guilty, it's to help her make her informed choices - and these must include pros and cons of both breast AND formula feeding, otherwise it's not a choice!

MILs should respect that choice :) but we're all human with our own experiences and hang ups...

glad i've found this thread, just come back from a very tiresome week with the inlaws due to this very subject!

One particular highlight - while out and about she got chatting to a mum with a baby the same age who was bottle-feeding. On being interrogated by my MIL the woman said she gave up BF as her baby had been BF every 3 hours and it was too much, she couldn't cope. Fair enough, that's her choice. But MIL then repeated this anecdote the rest of the week to anyone who would listen as proof that my 12 week baby, fed every 2/3 hours, is clearly feeding too much/too hungry/not getting enough.

Every morning she'd ask how many times I'd been up in the night, feigning sympathy on how hard it must be for me but then adding in a comment such as 'it's not right, she's feeding far too much, etc etc'. And kept going on about how small she is despite HV saying she is absolutely fine!

I came to the conclusion it's just that she wants to be able to feed the baby, and as she didn't BF she's got very fixed ideas about what a baby should be doing, based on her own kids. I just smiled and hung on to the thought that i don't have to see her again til xmas!