Why does my mil hate breastfeeding so much?

[nickytwotimes]

Jesus, it's not like I am asking her to do it?

Why are some people like that?

My MIL is the very same. When she came to visit me after I had dd1 she couldn't look me in the face when I was breastfeeding and she couldn't bring herself to say the words.

My youngest BIL was around 15 or 16 then and they called in to visit one afternoon. BIL just strolled into the room, I don't think he even noticed I was feeding but MIL caught him by the shirt and physically dragged him from the room.

I would love to know what BIL must have thought I was up to!

It's a generational thing - don;t worry about it. When women were half starved and lost all their teeth and ended up with brittle bones from BFing twleve children, FF was a godsend and they genuinely believed it was better for the baby. Plus it came at a time when women were becoming emancipated, and didn't want to be tied to the house for a whole year, but at the same time, society was too prim to acceot public BFing.

It takes such a long time for those attitudes to go away. Each of us learn a bit from our mothers and carry it forward. She probably thinks BFing is the equivalent of scrubbing your clothes on a rock at the river's edge with a block of soap, when you could be stuffing it into a nice shiny washing machine, i.e. martydom and madness. Ignore!

Twotimes, I agree with Fellatio.

I do also suspect that part of it is shame. Your mil has been taught that breasts are something to be ashamed of, and that if they are for anything at all they are for the enjoyment of men.

And at the back of her mind is a suspicion that you are right and she was lied to and taken for an idiot by the ff is great crowd. And maybe she looks at what you have with your ds and wishes she'd had that. And it hurts so all she can do is try to convince herself that she/they were right and you are wrong in order to make the pain go away.

Poor mil

I have a book from the 1930/40s which clearly says that bf on demand is best for baby.

@ stone age bottles. thank you the menz for inventing the mammary and putting us out of our kettle boiling nightmare!
I recall an episode of time team where they unearthed a steriliser...i think.

Sorry,while i was giggleing away to my self Fellatio and spiritmum made serious and good points.

Here here.

I think this reaction from some older women is very primal.

I actually think this is a pure jealousy reaction. They're too old to have children of their own, too late to feed their own child themselves if they were brainwashed about FF, and it leaves them feeling sooo "past it". Plus, as someone said, it's the only thing they can't do in taking care of GC, so they feel totally left out.

Funny how it brings out the worst in some women, when you'd think they'd be only interested in the baby's welfare.

Instincts are funny things. We ain't nothing but mammals, I suppose.

I had a different problem with my MIL. She was v proud that a teat never brushed my DH lips and LOVED watching me breastfeeding and tried to get as close as possible to have a good look. This used to annoy me no end. Only after reading this thread I realised how sweet she was, just being happy to see her tiny grandson at breast.

Just 1 point Fellatio - extended BF is actually associated with a higher bone density in later life foor the woman who BF.

OP - probably partly jealousy. Partly that she feels it undermines the way she did things and after all 'her DC turned out alright'.

I count myself as very lucky that DPs mum would quite happily tell everyone that I'm breastfeeding She couldn't breastfeed herself (he was very prem, and at the time it wasn't even suggested she express, she has said now she really wishes she had) and tells me on a regular basis all the benefits he's getting from it - its very sweet, bless her. She and her cousin (who BF both hers till 18 months ish) were saying this in chorus when I last saw them both!

As much as I have had problems in public, and a couple of comments to begin with from my well meaning mother, I guess really I've been very lucky. It must be very difficult have negativity coming at you from people you care about :(

Boob - may I ask what problems you have had in public?

Basically some more vicious relays of what the OP has had said to her, but by strangers. I won't rant about it again on here! But there have been several delightful individuals.

so sorry to hear that.

I'm still waiting for a negative comment. Can't wait - have all my responses ready . So far though only really positive comments and some lovely people have said really nice things.

Both PIL used to leave the room when I bf my dc. MIL expressed her delight at DC1 "finally" switching to FF at 5months. What they don't know is that DC2 is still bf at night at the grand old age of 2.6!

You should come out with me sometime, I attract all the crones I have had some nice comments too, but its always the bad ones that stick around IYSWIM.

Jules, maybe you should mention that casually when they both have a mouthful of liquid next time

My PIL very supportive but FIL still left room for reasons of "modesty"! Now SIL feeds at dining table he is more laid back about it.

OP: jealousy/fact she didn't do it etc

I'd put them in their place for you .

To paraphrase Baz Luhrmann, Remember the nice comments. Forget the nasty ones. If you work out how to do this, let me know.

When my mum had me the babies were weighed after every feed and if we hadn't gained the requisite ounces a bottle was slammed down infront of the (defective ) mother.

Way to build your confidence. Funnily enough my mum and one other woman were the only ones to leave the ward still bf, and that was only because the other woman had told my mum to tell the nurses that I'd refused the bottle. Having said that, they also gave the women a sleeping pill at night so I was obviously being bottle fed (without my mum's permission - she only twigged recently that there was no way I'd have gone through the night at 1 day old) at night.

My aunt told me that her milk was too watery, a friend's mother told me her milk was "off". Both had been told this by HCPs.

I dunno, I think women of our mothers'/mils' generation really had it drummed into them that they were incapable of feeding their children without formula, and even my lovely mum started getting antsy when I was still feeding ds at 4 months. Lets promise to make sure that our dils/daughters will get better support

That's boob's nasty comment people not your PIL, MumNW!!

..My MIl is very pro-BF, but wanted to tell me how to do it....which is probably almost as annoying...(comments like 'oh, what is wrong with that Left breast?' whilst dd1 faddled about not latching straight away.. .. and then sitting right next to me nd stroking baby's head whilst i was feeding. )

sometimes it just takes every ounce of self control not to tell them to go and fuck themselves.

I have heard stuff like "I didn't have enough milk", "my milk was too watery" etc from women of a certain age and I have never had the heart to correct them. You can tell they were upset about it all and these myths give them some kind of comfort.

I've had, "By that age was on 4-hourly feeds you know" and in the next moment, "well, of course, I never had enough milk for my babies".

I adore my MIL but was saddened by the irony of these two comments put together. :(

I have been told repeatedly by my Gran that she "didn't have enough milk" in the same breath as "I could only bear it for a day or two." One day I'll explain the concept of colostrum.

She has also said, "Why have a washing machine and hand wash everything?" more than once. Ironically, the Mother-Out-Law has no issue with breast-feeding at all.

Organic I've been waiting for the negative comments too, but so far all I've recieved was a furtive thumbs up from a lady in Starbucks.

I've been lucky that both sets of family know BM is best, even though the ILs (inc GPs) don't think it's realistically possible (6 months on, I think I've disproved that). It meant that I couldn't share some the problem times (and hence I lied a lot, inc about sleep and duration) and get support, as I know what the answer would have been. The ILs also assumed I'd switch to FF when I went back to work. A bit scared of going back at xmas and they find out I'll (hopefully) still be feeding her. Wait till they find out she still wakes every 2 hours.

Not sure I would have the same bravery as the OP if I knew they were really against it and I've never had problems out either, so kudos to all of you.

I have a medical condition (hypoplasia) that means I don't have many developed milk ducts and genuinely couldn't produce enough milk to exclusively bf. I've been combo feeding my dd since she was admitted to neonatal for dehydration at six days.

Just jumping on this thread to say how lovely and refreshing it is, organiccarrotcake to see very pro-bf comments that also acknowledge that formula is "wonderful life-saving stuff".

The guilt is unreal when you know that bf is best but simply can't ebf. It feels like the first thing you did to your new child was to fail her. :( I agree that for older women who ff not because they couldn't bf but because they accepted the conventional "wisdom" of the day, guilt and misplaced anger might be part of any hostility they display toward bf moms.

nicky I've been following your other threads and am glad that the bf is something really positive that you're sharing with your ds. You've had a tough time of it. I was really touched by what you said about you mil too, having such a good job raising her kids that you married one. That is a lovely thing to say, especially since she's annoying you at the moment.

Sometimes there's nothing nasty in it, it's genuine ignorance and misplaced concern.

My mum was horrified that my sis was BFing her first because she genuinely believe it was vulgar, no longer necessary and formula was much better for the baby with "all those added vitamins" .

She was so worried that she offered to pay for formula for my sis because she thought money was the problem and when the offer was politely refused, she tried to get me to act as intermediary and talk her round.