Breastfeeding a newborn with visitors...how?

[lurcherlover]

I am 31 weeks and already stressing about after the birth - not the birth itself, but the fact that ALL my extended family (my parents, my in-laws, aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters...yep, it's the lurcherlover equivalent of the Waltons round here) all live within ten minutes of us. I really want to breastfeed, but can see a couple of serious issues with it in terms of family. One is my MIL is not afraid of sticking her nose in giving advice, and has already told me that if BF doesn't work out I must get the baby on a bottle straight away (and when she says "doesn't work out" she means give it 24 hours, basically). I can see a scenario where she's constantly round every day after birth and if I'm struggling she'll be harping on about bottle, bottle bottle, which will get annoying - anyone had to deal with this?

My other issue is that the family will be around a lot - pointless me trying to impose a rota, it's just not how our family works. We're really close and in and out of each other's houses all the time. I don't mind this at all, but what I'm concerned about is that I know I need to feed on demand in the early days, and could have baby on the boob almost constantly at first. Now, I'm close to my family but not so close that I want my dad, FIL etc to see my boob before I've mastered the art of BF and am possibly flopping it everywhere trying to get baby to put it in his/her mouth, so in the first few days at least I'll be taking baby off to another room - I'm conscious this will mean the star attraction will be out of view a lot. Again, a lot of my family will see this as meaning I'm struggling to BF, and will pile the pressure on to get the bottles out (my aunts, cousins etc all bottlefed). How do I tactfully say to family that I'm not struggling, and any advice for managing visitors? Dh gets a bit hurt when I try and discuss this as he thinks I'm just getting at his side of the family (which I suppose I am really - my mum is much more supportive and BF me and my siblings, the only other in the family to do so).

Sorry, tried to do the strike-out thing with MIL sticking her nose in, but didn't quite work for some reason!

just make yourself comfortable and get on with it. put parsley in your ears regarding your mil.
if you want to snuggle up in your bed with your baby the first few days go ahead. don*t be shy telling anyone that this time is not convenient or tell your dh to do that for you.

you need to put yourself and your newborn first shamelessly.

this is a time that warrants it, after all.

the first few days after giving birth come with strong homones in play - third day baby blues are very common (you feel like crap, like everyone is getting at you, like you can't cope, the most innocent thing said by your closest friend will sound like a criticism) and you need peace and quiet.

You are right to anitcipate that BF might not be easy on the first few days (even with a family v. supportive of BF, i found shifting about my seat with stitches in my bits trying to get a latch was difficult, uncomfortable and felt v. self conscious doing so. Still worse was the presence of my drunken arse of a BIL, and my MIL).

You are going o ned to speak to your family as well as your \DH about this - hopefully your Mum will understand and win others round, and so wil your DH if he realises it appliesto you relations too.

I think you need to get DH totally onside with the breastfeeding so you feel backed up by him as well as your mum. And perhaps, although it may be idealistic, view this as an opportunity to educate them and just keep calmly telling them that babies and mums need to learn together to get the feeding right and that you need a bit of peace and quiet to do it. Would that help?

Or even just rearrange the furniture a bit so you will have a nice quiet corner where you're not exposed for all to see?

And give your MIL a leaflet to read if she keeps harping on!

If I were you I would establish a breast feeding support network BEFORE the birth. Do you have a local breast feeding cafe? Are there drop in bf support groups, midwife or local sure start centre should know. I also strongly recommend going to some La Leche League meeting BEFORE the birth. I found them whe dd was 3 weeks old and really wish I found them earlier, they gave me brilliant advice that I wish I had known from the start. You don't have to join so it won't cost you anything and you will probably make some great baby friends to give you some support, it's good to have people around you that are going through the same thing.

Good luck - let us know how it goes, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR ADVICE, AND MORE ADVICE, AND MORE...

I can see you're a close family but that shouldn't give them the right to come and go as they please when you have a newborn.

I would have to draw some boundaries; your priority has to be feeding your baby. I would put a note on the door saying "mum resting or baby feeding please call later". Then leave it up all day

Yes my MIL was pro formula, convinced BF wouldn't be enough etc. Wish I'd discovered mumsnet and people like Tiktok back then. I just ignored her though it was frustrating at the time

I fed in private in the early days with DD and they just had to lump it. Try not to worry about what they think. Sod them Say I'm off to fed X in private, be back in a bit. Byyyeeeee

Yes you could buy a wrap to hide what you're up to I suppose but in your situation you do not want them watching you carefully at first do you, you want to relax whilst you do it. Go off and do it in the quiet with a cuppa and some cake, don't worry about them.

I loved the nursing tops you can buy, really helped me to do it more discreetly once I'd got the hang of it all.

Do some reading up too on kellymom etc, so you're prepared too

I'm trying to learn to be assertive with my MIL, do a broken record thing, always say the same thing, if she begins to say anything and end the conversation.

I do think for your sanity you will need boundaries, so you can have privacy and not have your house full all the time, as over stimulated babies can get very grumpy and you do need time to yourself as well. Don't be afraid to lay some ground rules down and stick to them, it's your baby and your house. Even a sign saying "tea and coffee here and help yourself" is ok you know?

I?m in a similar position to you but I have a 3 week old and I?m the first one on my side of the family to BF but surprisingly it has been my family that has been the most respectful.

My DH told everyone that they are to phone before they come over to check that I?m not feeding DS but his mum and Dad have decided that this doesn?t apply to them and keep just turning up, so my DH has started running interference and making any unexpected guests wait in the front room, perhaps you could try this or if you don?t have another room maybe wait in the kitchen. And if you DH isn?t home just don?t answer the door.

This is how we are handling the situation until I get confident enough to bf in front of others cause at the moment I?m flopped out everywhere :) I?m sure you will be fine!

My husbands family are here all the time and since I dont really know them that well I am not that comfortablein front of them. When they are here and i want to feed her I just pick her up or take her off who ever is holding her walk out of the room and as I am going say "I am going to feed the baby"... then I either sit in the front room or go upstairs and snuggle in bed and watch tv for an hour. It actually gives me a really good excuse when I am tired of all the visitors or when I can tell she has had enough of being passed around.
Personally I just wouldnt talk about it at all - my MIL tells me that my boobs will be by my waist soon or she has brought a picture of my older (formuka fed) child at the same age to show me how much bigger she is than my current baby (because she is convinced I dont have enough milk to feed properly). I just smile and carry on I just dont have the energy to argue and tbh its not worth falling out over.

I have recently started feeding in front of certain people with a blanket to hide things and it is getting easier, certain people I dont think I will ever feed in front of though!

Refuse to leave your bedroom! There's a lot to be said for staying in bed resting as much as you can for the first few days and you may well find it easier to feed your baby lying down. Hopefully there's less chance of everyone crowding in there than if you're sat in the living room. TBH, you won't want to get dressed anyway.

Practice this phrase: "You can come over when you're invited". If they turn up at the door and you don't want them there, say, "Right now isn't a good time, I'll text you when its better". If you're offered advice you don't want, reply, "Thanks, I'll bear that in mind", and discard.

Whether your family are used to coming over whenever they fancy or not, if you don't want them there because you've just had a baby that is perfectly acceptable. People come round on your schedule (well, on the baby's!) for the first few weeks - not when it suits them. And it is okay to lay down the law.

Oh, and failing that, tell your MIL to butt out and then blame it on hormones

Feeding in front of people is difficult to begin with, but you get to grips with it. TBH its a fantastic excuse to get people to leave when you don't want them there

WRT to the bottle; I live with my parents, and both my brother and I were formula fed. My mum bought a box of formula and put it in the cupboard whilst I was pregnant "Just In Case", and asked me several times in the early weeks if I wanted to give him a bottle. I ended up (very dignified, I'm sure you can imagine) shouting, "No, I don't want to give him a fucking bottle!" and she stopped asking at that point DPs mum, on the other hand, endlessly praises me for breastfeeding, so slight role reversal! I wouldn't necessarily advise quoting my exact words but make it very clear that actually, you've made your choice.

Have an honest chat with your DH. Tell him its important to you, but to take some of the pressure off, you'll need some privacy to begin with when people are around. Remind him its nothing personal against his family, just the way you need to do it.

I've been BFing for 4.5months and didn't feed in front of people to start with. Even though DS was fab at latching and feeding immediately I just wasn't confident.

One thing I've found really great is wearing a vest under my normal tops. Then my stretch-mark ridden tummy can be hidden by the vest but the top of my boob is covered by my top. It works the same as the nursing tops you can buy but is much cheaper! I'll now feed in front of anyone, even my FIL!!

Good luck - you'll do fab.

Hi lurcherlover - I think you are wise to want to protect the time you and your baby have together when you are establishing BF-ing.

And I think getting your DP 'onside' to be a social 'gatekeeper' would be really helpful for you (and him, actually - if you can both be clear what his role is re: family and visits before the baby arrives, you'll stress less about it when you are tired and vulnerable).

Even if your immediate family and inlaws were angelic and totally respectful about BF-ing, you would still want to spend time whenever you wanted to with just your baby, no spectators or 'helpers.' So you can reassure your DP with that thought if he feels his family are being 'got at.' You can also remind him how helpful his support will be in freeing you up just to focus on BF-ing.

I found with early visitors that I knew exactly who I was comfortable feeding in front of and who I wasn't. When I wanted privacy, I just grabbed the baby, said cheerily 'sorry everyone, baby needs to be fed, can't keep him waiting!' and made a quick exit to my bedroom. That way, no one could stop me without looking like a villain (who would keep a hungry baby waiting??) - and no one had time to jump in with daft questions ('how long will he feed for?' 'are you feeding on demand?' Answers - no idea, and he's 4 days old, of course I'm feeding on demand, etc etc...).

Good luck!

You need to stick a virtual 2 fingers up to them all and let them know that you will contact them when you are up for visitors. And if they ignore that and turn up then don't answer the door (which I did a couple of times).

Having lots of visitors pretty much ruined my chances of bf my first child. Second time round I plucked up the courage and e-mailed everyone and, told them we needed some peace once baby arrived and they were all fine about it and hardly any visitors.

Nursing vests are good, I found them easier than bra's.

I have found BF really difficult (I am sure you wont!) but for the first 3/4 weeks I had my boobs out constantly and I mean constantly. There is no way I would have wanted my in laws there all the time (my mum and dad have supported my older sis with BF so there is nothing they have not seen so did not mind them being there one bit) so my in laws came when invited and when my DH could entertain them while I went of to feed LO.

BF can be wonderful but it also can be very emotional and upseting at times (hormones!), you will need support and encoragement to make it successfully. So I would suggest be strong now about setting some boundaries as once you have it established it will be fine but it may take some time to get there.

This is just my view and may be a bit harsh so feel free to ignore.

Good luck!

Oh also when you are tiered, emotional and have a crying baby someone suggesting formular can be easy to go along with BUT it may not be the best thing for your breastfeeding. So before doing it get advice from a professional BFC as they are the experts not your MIL.

The bottle comments seem to be quite common among proud grandmothers and GMILs that would like nothing more than to feed baby themselves/steal them for a few hours to show off to their friends etc... You could try to offer other activities to MIL so that she feels included (a pooey nappy is a great one). I used to wear vests under looser tops so that I could feed discretely and would tuck the corner of a muslin through my bra strap on whatever side I was feeding to drape over any cleavage. When DD would drop off the nipple the muslin would fall down naturally from where I was holding it/had it tucked over my boob so no one got an eyeful. Be firm regarding your wishes just because they are family does not mean that they can swan in whenever they like so set visitation hours that work for you and they can come then. If they turn up unexpectedly and it doesn't work for you it should be no skin off their nose as they only live 10 minutes away and can easily come back when it is convenient.

If you are in any doubt as to whether you'll be able to withstand pressure to ff I would book an IBCLC for support and to visit you in hospital to get the process started right.
Then you can tell all and sundry 'that's not what our consultant has recommended'.
And re the MIL I am just very firm with mine (who would willingly hold onto a hungry baby because 'she's not even crying yet')

What you and your baby need trump everything else with this.

If you don't feel comfortable feeding in front of someone then they don't come to your house, if you don't want to do something then you don't do it.

I felt a bit shy bf around my teenage step kids at first so used to retreat to my bedroom with DD and a book for long periods of time. As time passed and I got more comfortable and could feed easily and discretely if need be, I did bf in more communal rooms.
Keep some space where you can't be interrupted and smile and nod at MIL and do you own thing :)

If you aren't happy to feed in front of them all then tell them to stay away. I know you have said it isn't how your family works, but for a few weeks while you establish feeding it is how your household will need to work.

You need your DH onside - he needs to be prepared to turn people away if it's not the right time for them to visit.

With your MIL, just don't discuss it with her. Not her child, not her decision.

Can you talk to your Mum? Can she help you with restricting some visits from your family and maybe fending off some comments etc from MIL?

I recognise some of this. One of the hardest things was that if I wanted to moan to my Mum about feeling tired, having a tough time etc, she would come straight back with 'Well, of course if you were bottlefeeding you'd be on a 4-hour routine by now and MUCH LESS TIRED'. So I felt unable to ask for more support from her. Actually it got to be a kind of itch - even though she wasn't volunteering anything about feeding, I would say something just to hear her say something pro-formula so that I could get into a grump about it [sigh]. It's because their focus is in fact on us, they are our mums/MILs and they want to help us; they see a quick fix which may or may not sort out tiredness as an answer, rather than support to stick with a feeding choice.

Your dh needs to understand why this is important and what can happen with lack of support, or he too may be standing holding a crying you holding a crying baby and will end up suggesting formula because again it seems like a helpful fix.

mums/MIL...deserve a new thread all of their own, which can be printed out and left on the fridge for the nosey bints to read???!!!

I had the opposite a great MIL and an awful interfering bf-fanatic Mum who hadnt a clue what I was going thru with a prem and actually in the end I just had to lay down the law, phew first time ever, scary but it worked... it went something like this...
"thanks, you're a brilliant mum, but its my turn to be mum now, make all my own mistakes which you did too because i remember them and you get to be responsibility free granny and if you dont play by the rules you dont get to see the baby...end of.
i was bricking it but
that did the trick!
she is fab now and only gently asks if i want a bit of info/advice she found out and we compare notes.
she always thought she was right about everything but finally admitted that child rearing might be in the 'grey zone'
good luck and i too would suggest you have a few family are banned days when you get home to bond with your wee one and partner.
in laws hate it but if you text them all from hospital bed like i did then turn phone off they get the message! put lots of xxxx in text and say cant wait to see you all in week 2, bring cake please...it works a treat and shows you're an in control mum from day 0
go for it! good luck.

Thanks so much for your comments everyone, I feel a bit better now. You're right that I need to get dh on side, just hard when he's v sensitive about his family and thinks I am criticising them if I start to say I'm a bit worried about how it's going to be coping with all these visitors...I know I need to be firm though. You're right, I'm just going to have to grab baby (forcibly wrestle it from people if necessary!) and go off to feed without feeling guilty. Like the idea of giving dh a specific visitor-managing job - think one of my problems is I like to be in control and manage everything, and find it hard to let him be in charge of something!

I've discussed with Dh that I will need to put baby, me and establishing breastfeeding above all visitors wants. So if I want to kick everyone out, tough luck to them. And if they want to visit, they have to help out and realise that baby and I may be hidden away in the nursery!

I think it's definitely helped to talk about it now as DH hadn't really thought about it and had just thought visitors would be good. He hadn't considered the issues of me possibly getting stitches seen to and having my boobs out most of the time!