Breastfeeding a newborn with visitors...how?

[lurcherlover]

I am 31 weeks and already stressing about after the birth - not the birth itself, but the fact that ALL my extended family (my parents, my in-laws, aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters...yep, it's the lurcherlover equivalent of the Waltons round here) all live within ten minutes of us. I really want to breastfeed, but can see a couple of serious issues with it in terms of family. One is my MIL is not afraid of sticking her nose in giving advice, and has already told me that if BF doesn't work out I must get the baby on a bottle straight away (and when she says "doesn't work out" she means give it 24 hours, basically). I can see a scenario where she's constantly round every day after birth and if I'm struggling she'll be harping on about bottle, bottle bottle, which will get annoying - anyone had to deal with this?

My other issue is that the family will be around a lot - pointless me trying to impose a rota, it's just not how our family works. We're really close and in and out of each other's houses all the time. I don't mind this at all, but what I'm concerned about is that I know I need to feed on demand in the early days, and could have baby on the boob almost constantly at first. Now, I'm close to my family but not so close that I want my dad, FIL etc to see my boob before I've mastered the art of BF and am possibly flopping it everywhere trying to get baby to put it in his/her mouth, so in the first few days at least I'll be taking baby off to another room - I'm conscious this will mean the star attraction will be out of view a lot. Again, a lot of my family will see this as meaning I'm struggling to BF, and will pile the pressure on to get the bottles out (my aunts, cousins etc all bottlefed). How do I tactfully say to family that I'm not struggling, and any advice for managing visitors? Dh gets a bit hurt when I try and discuss this as he thinks I'm just getting at his side of the family (which I suppose I am really - my mum is much more supportive and BF me and my siblings, the only other in the family to do so).

Oh, I sympathise. Have just been through this; my DC1 is now 4.5 weeks old. I had the added stress of (pre-clampsia-related) post-birth high blood pressure and a different midwife coming every other day to take my bp - one of them told me to ban visitors which to be honest stressed me out even more. With the steeliest resolve in the world, you can't just ban visitors completely, or I couldn't anyway.

You have recognised that this might be a difficult time and I'm afraid from my experience all I can say is - yes, it will be difficult. But just concentrate on your baby and you will be fine. Brace yourself and ride it out; yes, and implement the good advice on this thread in whatever way suits you best.

I had to bf in front of my MIL and her sister on day four. I'd just had a morning full of visitors, at lunchtime the midwife came (the same one who told me to ban visitors) and while my hungry (and grouchy) baby was having her heel pricked my MIL and her sister arrived. My husband had been sent out by midwife to get me a prescription and MIL and her sis ended up sitting on their own in the front room for ages. When the midwife (oh, and midwifery student) left my DH still wasn't back and I felt obliged to invite MIL etc into the room where I was and I ended up bf my hungry (and very unsettled) baby in front of them. Looking back, it was one of the worst days of my life. And I achieved a good latch and everything.

Sorry, Lurcher, really not trying to scare you here! I had added complications, i.e. my health, and it would definitely have been easier without that.

But I think being realistic there WILL be stress for a couple of weeks and if you are prepared for that (and prepare your DH for how you might feel so he can support you) it will make it easier to cope with: I would have found it more bearable if I knew I wasn't the only new mother to feel this way!

One thing that has been recommended lots of threads about visitors in general and in all my baby books is insisting that visitors help out - they can't come round and expect to be entertained. Some people do find that more stressful, but I'd prefer to be able to ask my MIL or someone to load the dishwasher and make me a cuppa while I breastfeed instead of feeling I need to entertain them!

Just a quick thought for you - breastfeeding a tiny baby can take up a huge amount of time. And can get - shock horror - a bit tiresome and frustrating. So having a bit of company from your mum, or sister, or sister-in-law or whoever can make the difference between finding breastfeeding a chore and actually enjoying the special cosy at-home time with your new baby. While I appreciate you may never wish to breastfeed around your father-in-law, you might find that you don't actually want to ban all of your relatives from being in the same room as you while you feed.

Also agree about many visitors wanting to help. Think twice about some of the advice here that could be interpreted by your (potentially very kind and helpful) family as pushing them away.

You are right to think about this now. I am very close to my family and also close to my in-laws. However, while pregnant I made it clear that when my dd was born people were only to visit if they were invited or if they called first to arrange. Imo this is a reasonable request. The first few days, and even weeks, are all about you, your dh and your dc bonding and getting to grips with being parents. Yes extended family will want to see your baby but surely they can agree to come at a time that suits you. Its not about them and their emotional needs. Its not about them getting a cuddle of your dc. Its about you, your dc and your dh. Your baby is not there to be passed from person to person. I think it should be a time where you can sit with your boobs out and not worry about covering up. My family totally respected my visiting policy and always called in advance. I think its only respectful to do that. With regards to your mil suggesting formula, I would just ignore her. Its not her decision and she is very wrong to think that 24hours is enough time to establish breastfeeding. My dd did not latch on for 3 days! I think its a good idea to get bf support now. I go to a bf network group every week and wish I had gone when pregnant. Your mil should not be in your house every day! Your going to have to speak to your dh about this now as he is going to have to support you on this issue. Your not getting at his family, you are simply trying to do what is best for your new baby. The early days are so special. Skin to skin contact is really important and so wonderful. You'll not be able to do this if you have a full house every day. Make sure you suit yourself or you will look back and wish you had been more assertive. Hope you get on ok

I just took a deep breath, got myself arranged in a separate room, then walked back in with him already attached and sat down, attempting to be discreet by draping a scarf.

I must have succeeded as my DH brought me a sandwich and offered to take the baby - not realising that he was gulping down milk at the time.

After having goodness knows how many nurses check my latch/grab my boob and shove it in his mouth/discuss the state of my nipples/inspect my bits I figured that I could manage this one last embarrassment, and it was honestly fine (well, after the second or third time)

I look back and wish I had been more assertive. Say it - loudly. Dh and I thought we'd said it but PIL ignored us and planned to visit 3 days after birth (induction). We let it go and shouldn't have.

Get your DH on your side. Be assertive, as Pommedeterre says, and say what needs saying beforehand. He can phrase it "Of course, as you surely understand, Lurcherlover and BabyLurcherlover will need a lot of time to themselves to recover and we would all appreciate the chance to get to know each other and get used to being a little family before having anyone over. We'll send plenty of photos, don't worry. But we need at least a week before anyone can come over." That way you buy yourselves maybe 3 days before they march in. Do send plenty of photos though.

When you're bfing, especially in the teeth of opposition, what you say by actually doing it right there in front of everyone, as relaxed as possible, is important. Do not cede your turf (the comfiest chair in the sitting room, for instance) to anyone. Stand your ground, literally, whip out your boobs, and let the chips fall where they may.

And yes, putting them to work is not one bit impolite. Tell them what needs doing, even if it's giving the bathroom the once-over. They will feel needed, useful and appreciated at the time when you thank them profusely, and possibly unwilling to come again

I was very lucky in a way I just had exMIL to deal with even though she thought bfing was self-indulgent nonsense and turned babies into perverts.

For a week after my baby was born, I took to my bed. This is ok, women used to "lie in" for a month. Stay in your pyjamas (makes people feel uncomfortable and they stay for shorter periods) and if they even start getting too much, go back up to bed for a nap/rest. I would feed in bed too, and of course make your bedroom off limits. I think it's rather rude for male relatives to hang around when you are trying to feed, I know my father has always left the room when my sisters were feeding their newborns, not because he had to, just out of respect for their privacy.

You will feel delicate, my mother came to stay and kept suggesting I "put DS in his cot so he could get used to it" when I was holding him while he slept (during the day), that drove me nuts, and she was only trying to stop me overdoing it.

I also learned a lovely phrase from a fellow mum, works for all kinds of pregnancy and post natal interference "thank you, but that comment was not helpful to me", it sounds rehearsed enough that people realise that they have overstepped the mark, but it's not actually rude.

Hello lurcherlover and congrats in advance! Lots of amazing advice here from very wise ladies.

The great thing I found about BF in the early days was that people HAVE to give the baby back when he/she needs feeding! I remember feeling actually jealous for a couple of days when anyone else was holding DD (hormones I am sure but they were holding my baby for far too long!!!) and it was great being able to say "OK I'll have her back now she needs feeding"!

I had a Widgey pillow (which I found invaluable and recommend highly), sat on the sofa with legs crossed buddha style, got DH to pass me the pillow and put it round me, placed DD on pillow nose to nipple and got her latched on.

When they are small they don't move around on their own so you can practise holding your baby in front of your boob as a sort of shield, then unclipping your bra, exposing nipple and latching on.

A friend showed me a great trick of tucking one end of a muslin into your bra strap so you can then spread it out to partially cover yourself/your baby so try that too. When baby finishes feeding again you can hold them in front of your boob while you put your bra back on.

BTW make sure you always have a drink of water to hand - I found a sports type bottle easiest while on the sofa with DD - as you will feel incredibly thirsty the moment your baby starts feeding.

The key is to practise practise practise before you do it in front of anyone you are shy of, you will get the knack and it will be fine.

The real problems start when they are older - my 6mo DD is very nosy and likes to try to sit up and look around in the middle of a feed, leaving me with my nork hanging out wherever we may be! Plus she has just cut her first tooth so I am looking forward to being bitten in the near future!

Good luck!

BTW mathanxiety ROFL at "she thought bfing was self-indulgent nonsense and turned babies into perverts" - mentalist!!!

Oh and great advice from someone earlier re wearing a vest top and another top over the top - if you tuck the vest into your bottoms, you can pull the outer top up and the vest down (M&S do fantastic ones with elasticy straps £7 for 2) so that you are mostly covered up.

I have a three week old and totally empathise as we have had breast feeding problems. My new rule is that I will either just feed in front of people who are comfortable with it (my mum, my sister, close friends etc) or leave the room and feed elsewhere - visitors can lump it. Don't worry - once the baby is here you won't care about upsetting relatives and niether will your DH - you will both just want to do what is best for baby.

I worry about this too and am not looking forward to situations where I will feel pushed out of my own house and into the bedroom just because people are visiting. I am hoping to have a few days to get used to the baby, particularly days 3 and 4 when my milk comes in and I might have the baby blues. I won't be breastfeeding in front of anyone other than my husband at first and hope none of my friends and relations say 'it's ok, I don't mind' as it matters more that I do mind imo.

Just a huge big GOOD LUCK and yes, it is the right thing to think about this now.

On day 4 after a section we had 13 people arrive. My milk had come in overnight but as DS was jaundiced and sleepy I hadn't fed him frequently enough with the result that my boobs were completely engorged and he literally had no nipple to get hold of. There are pictures of me sitting on the floor (only enough seats for 4-6 people in our front room) in my dressing gown looking like the start of a domestic abuse advert, surrounded by balloons and wrapping paper, and I can clearly remember just wishing that DS and I could be beamed up somewhere far away!

Get your DH on side. It's vital. :)

I am bfing my 10 week old dd. I feed her in front of everyone in my house, DM, DB, PILs . My house my rules. But I agree with everyone here the first two weeks I napped and fed baby for what seemed like all the time, twas brilliant and really made us bond. Baby was my third so there wasn't the usual deluge of visitors but I had no qualms in telling people to come later or that I would text them when convenient. Really do please yourself, happy mummy happy baby!

I would say:

Don't worry about feeding in front of people. If they're uncomfortable, they will leave. It's your house.

Retire to bed as much as possible if visitors are getting on your nerves.

Leave out the hoover, polish, dusters and Flash/Mr Muscle and leave your MIL/DM to make themselves useful.
If your MIL makes any unhelpful comments about bf/ff, just say nicely "I know you are trying to help but what I could really use at the moment is a bit of help around the house while I sort the feeding out" and point her in the direction of said hoover/duster etc.

Sorted.

It's not always about if they are uncomfortable, what about those of us who are uncomfortable doing it?

and no way would I want my mum or my MIL doing my housework.

Absolutely Dueling - visitors may not mind being exposed to my veiny boobs and milk drippage, or may be quite happy to wash my sweat-and-blood-and-sick-and-milk-stained sheets for me, but that's not something I was comfortable with. So having people around you who are so keen to help isn't always a good thing, and I know to a lot of people that sounds churlish and ungrateful, but it's private.

Thanks so much for your comments everyone. It helps just knowing I'm not the only one who worries about this or has been through it! I've started drip-feeding DH with breastfeeding info (he really has no idea, bless him) along the lines of "you know that for the first few weeks I'm going to have the baby almost permanently attached to my boob...how are we going to handle this when our fathers are here?" kind of thing! He has been quite encouraging - I'm careful not to just make it about his parents. I'm going to talk to MIL as well and make sure she understands how BF is going to work in the early stages - might say something like "I'm worried about how I'll cope with visitors in the first few days...not so much you and my parents of course, but I am naturally going to be feeling a bit overwhelmed..." and hope that she gets the hint that I want all visiting to be a bit limited!

I had this - aaaaaaaaaargh I get mad at MIL just thinking about it! V sensible advice above.

I think a certain amount of it is almost a type of jealousy from MILs/Mums - they want to hold/feed the new baby and feel that mum is "hogging" the baby - my dd took about 25 mins on each side when she was wee and I could practically see steam coming out of MILs ears as she wasn't getting a cuddle fast enough and wasn't queen bee in the situation...grrrrrrrrr. She is the type who thinks DD should prefer her nana to her mum...

Anyway, good luck you will be fine, stick to your guns, and the idea of finding a baby cafe or BFN group before the birth is a great one- you'll meet some lovely ladies and feel right at home when you go back with a wee one!

Hi lurcherlover!

I was lucky to have am easy start with bf and so felt happy to do it infront of people by the time i left hospital, there's nothing to say that won't be the case for you. i have personally never left the room for visitors, bfing woman totally bagsies the chair of her choice imo! I did strictly limit visits at first though.

If i were you i would really pile the info on to your dh, so when his ma suggests a bottle even he can leap to your defense with "no thanks, that could affect supply /lead to nipple confusion" etc etc. Send him to kellymom, my dh doesn't take anything seriously unless it's referenced and he approves of it. Help him to really understand the process as well as the advantages iyswim.

I hope you have a wonderful birth and get lots of lovely snuggley bf time with your baby.

Ah, Caz10 I've got one like that. Sooooooo annoying. Drives me up the wall. Will never hand dd back when crying - not even as a tiny newborn. Spends hours wondering around with 3 day old bawling explaining why she's the best person to be doing it and waiting for FIL and dh top agree with her.
Steam coming out of my ears now at the memory.

OMG it is horrendous isn't it? Sweating and dripping milk as MIL grabs the baby...

MIL, then BIL stayed for a week at a time over the first 3 weeks. I had a nightmare. But decided I just had to ignore their presence totally. Didn't speak to them or look at them while I was getting settled to feed. It was unconfortable, but they were both pretty quick at reading the cues and making themselves scarce.