Help-can't stop crying whenever I breastfeed

[renegadesoundwave]

This is so weird and is getting me down a lot because everyone seems to find breastfeeding such a wonderful bonding experience. DD is three months old and I've been exclusively breastfeeding up to now - asked the HV about mixed feeding but she was dead against it and kept reminding me what a beautiful experience it was supposed to be. The latch isn't painful usually, but I can't stop crying my eyes out whenever I breastfeed and it's getting worse every day. Have tried introducing formula gradually on advice of GP but DD is having none of it, it just seems that one of us is fated to be desperately unhappy where feeding is concerned. I hate the sensation, hate having my breasts out, hate having my flabby stomach on show, hate not being able to wear dresses, hate my big chest, and really hate anyone watching me (particularly with tears streaming down my face all the time).
There don't appear to be any BF counsellors in the area and the only thing I get when I ask at the clinic is 'but look at how tall she's getting and it's all from you! Aren't you proud?' I'm desperate to give it up but hate seeing DD screaming whenever the bottle comes out.
Sorry for the long disjointed ramble but I never thought it would be so soul-destroying - maybe I'm just not wired right

Oh gosh, poor you. You're not wired wrong; people don't all like the same things and that is fine.
You say your DD will not accept a bottle. Have you tried getting someone else to give it? My DDs both would willingly accept a bottle from anyone except me!

Poor you. Have you considerred PND? did you talk to your GP about it?
There is a new thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1022940?pagingOff=1#20962156 were you can see you are not alone finding it hard to BF. It might help you to read some of the stories.
I am sure there is a thread somewhere about making BF babies take a bottle or a cup. someone might help you in a minute with that.
You are not a failure, you are not wired wrong and you have done really well and still is.

:( :(

Breastfeeding counsellors are available by phone - you don't need one to be in your own area. However, I think the seriousness of your distress goes beyond what a bfc could actually help with (apart from listening and not judging you). I think it would really help you to make a visit to the GP and have a proper conversation with your HV where you describe just how unhappy you are .

What you are experiencing is really, really serious - you deserve help, not to make breastfeeding 'work' for you, so much as to explore why you are so distressed (breastfeeding may or may not be related to this - you'd need to talk to a qualified person to get to the bottom of it, I think). Please get proper help.

You should stop breastfeeding. I know it is the ideal, but if it is ruining your whole experience then I don't think the positives outweigh the negatives.

Agree with Haliborange try to get someone else to give the first few bottles.

I found that if I put the baby against my naked breast In the postition I would breast feed, and then put the bottle in his mouth he would take it. Try to get a teat that is naturally shaped.

Please do not beat yourself up about it.

There is a rare condition that causes certain women to feel extremely negative & upset when they breastfeed - something to do with the hormones released at the letdown I believe but really sorry, I can't remember the name as it's something medical-sounding & not the sort of thing one would remember unless you needed to IYKWIM. I recall reading about in the magazine of the breastfeeding association once so it is real. Maybe it could be what is affecting you? It typically only happens for the first few minutes of a feed though IIRC but can be so extreme as to really alienate the mother from feeding. Hopefully an experienced BF counsellor would know of it if you think it could be this & want to explore it. In the meantime I will see if I can find out what it was called.

Yikes, Lynli!!!

You cannot tell someone to stop breastfeeding - you have no idea of the OP's background, full story or whether a switch to formula (a major change to her and her baby) would help the terrible distress she is experiencing.

It might.

It might not.

Either way, telling her she 'should' do it - on the basis of a few lines written on an internet forum - is way out of line :(

OP - do you get a sort of wave of unhappiness and ill-being whenever you latch on?
I used to get this despite the fact that breastfeeding was going fine. I would feel strangely depressed every time I fed for no particular reason and I asked about it on here and it turns out there's a name for it, milk ejaculation reflex dysphoria or something I think.

I am just wondering whether you are having this kind of hormonal misery response, which is purely physical, only because there are other things you hate about breastfeeding (the body issue stuff) those responses get all muddled up with the physical response IYKWIM?

I only mention it because if there is a physical thing going on like that, it will probably pass with time - it did for me. It doesn't mean you're not wired right but it does mean you are having to contend with an extra problem. I used to sit there feeding and feeling like shit even though it was going well and think 'how bizarre, I thought I was meant to have feelings of well-being, not wanting to burst into tears! '.

x-posts Elvisgirl! you & I are deffo talking about the same thing here!

Thanks Seth....that's what I was getting at!

oh look, there's a website

Yep, elvisgirl - the condition is a highly rare reaction to oxytocin, IIRC.

But it is not associated with the level of tearfulness described by the OP - it is a low mood, but not weeping, and it gets better not worse (OP's is getting 'worse every day' :( ).

If it is this, then it's by far the most extreme case I have ever heard about.

Apart from whatever may be going on physiologically or psychologically, you can breastfeed without having your tummy on show and while wearing dresses (in fact wearing dresses helps with the tummy thing). Just from a very basic approach, wearing a camisole under whatever breastfeeding top you are wearing would give you tummy coverage, or specialist nursing clothing (like the range from Boob) will give you almost total coverage apart from the bit of you that is covered by the baby. I've breastfed in a Boob top before while having conversations with people who have actually come up and stroked my baby's head unaware that I was breastfeeding.

I don't know whether fixing some of the practical issues will help as this is obviously a more fundamental problem than that for you, but it may ease some of the specific concerns you have and help you get to the bottom of what the problem really is.

I hope you have a sympathetic GP/HV who will really make the effort to listen to what you way and help you with it.

I am the same, however mine was painful and bleeding. However like yourself I hated my breasts being on show I would never have contemplated feeding in public have always hated my body, ever wear dresses or anything apart from jeans and baggy tops.
However after having DD the hate of my body increased and on some occasions I would quite happily have removed my breasts with a knife. The pain didn't help, plus the keep at it comments, I cried every visit with the HV, I cried every feed, I rarely left the house. Some of mine was due to the pain, but I often feel I would have felt the same even without the pain. Felt like a failure and being told constantly breast is best, your daughter will be healthier, taller, happier, your bond will be better between you and your daughter, making me feel like if I stopped my daughter would hate me. When to be truthful deep down at the time I resented my daughter and hated myself.

I was diagnosed with PND, and I stopped breastfeeding at 5weeks. It made a huge difference to me stopping. However I can only speak for myself and there is no gurantee stopping will work for you. Please go back to see your GP and have along chat about your feelings, if they can't help they will put you in touch with someone who can.

I am 30 weeks pregnant again, and I am dreading breastfeeding again. Deep down I am hoping it will be painful again then I will have an excuse to stop. I physically don't want to breastfeed and the thought of it makes me feel dirty, watching other mothers breastfeeding gives me a sense of warmth and jelousy, but the thought of me myself doing it doesn't give me any of the these feelings.

Sorry I don't think I have helped have I

RenegadeSoundwave, I read your thread yesterday and my heart went out to you but I had no time to post.

Reading the thread today, there is lots of good advice/ideas on here and I will not repeat stuff. Deffo go and see your GP/HV or whoever you feel most comfortable about talking to about this.

Just FWIW a word of sympathy from somebody who's never really 'liked' BFing : I am currently in the process of feeding 5 months old DS4 having had varying degrees of success with BFing the previous 3 (from 6 weeks to 14 months) and I Just Do NOT Like It.
My emotions are nowhere near as extreme as yours however I have been reduced to tears, I often feel a sinking of my stomach thinking of the next feed and I do not like how physically intrusive it is to me. I do not mind feeding in public but then I have had a fair bit of practice over the years . And admittedly no pain on latching, but repeated problems with blocked ducts/mastitis, so apart from the satisfaction of having successfully BF, I also know the immense relief of making the decision to stop.
Only you can decide what is right for you and your baby at the time. But beware of stopping simply because you have not had the right advice/support. Also bear in mind that as there is 'more to BFing than just the milk', there are aspects of bringing up a BF baby that you can make sure a FF/mixfed baby also gets: lots and lots of cuddles, skin to skin contact, responding to feeding and other cues.
I think we are lucky to live in a country where we can safely FF ie have clean water, can sterilise, have easy access to FF. Plenty of FF babies grow up strong and healthy (in fact, all of us born in the '60s did ) and fully BF babies can become ill and develop allergies. So really, really no need to pick up that particular stick and beat yourself with it - there are plenty of other things to develop Mother's Guilt about as they grow up...
But you are clearly struggling and what you are doing at the moment is not working for you so PLEASE seek help - even if that means to pester different agencies repeatedly (I know I did at times): GP/HV/BFing support nurse at hospital you delivered/LLL/NCT. You may need a combination of the above to get yourself better (?antidepressants if it is felt you may have PND ?counselling) and sort out the feeding (?BFing if you want to continue - happily, I mean, or FF).

Also, in respone to nunnie, my BFing experiences for all 4 of my children have been very, very different for each child, so you just never know: your new baby and you might just make the ideal BFing pair . Very best of luck to you!

I really really hope that things will improve for you, Renegade.

if you hate it entirely, give her a bottle. She will take it when she is hungry enough.

you have tried and you, YOU are the mother, YOU get to make the choices.

As for telling people that they mustn't say "you should give up breastfeeding" - nobody blinks an eyelid at people who say "you should keep breastfeeding"

The Op has said she wants to stop. She has said she is desperate to give it up, and a mother is MORE than a walking pair of breast! She has the right to stop and she has the right to be supported in her choice to do so.

colditz - I don't think anyone should be told 'you should stop breastfeeding' or 'you should continue breastfeeding'.

To tell someone in distress, serious distress, and seriously conflicted about what to do, that they should stop breastfeeding on the basis of a short internet post, when she has already tried to stop but hates seeing her baby scream at the bottle.....well, lets just say it's not acceptable to be quite so dogmatic, eh?

Of course she has a right to stop and right to be supported. No one has suggested anything other.

I think to have fed for 3 months while you were feeling so wretched is to be praised.

Who's being dogmatic? The OP has stated baldly that she has been desperate to stop. A faceless word on the internet is not what has made up her mind that breastfeeding is a nightmare for her, it's the nightmare that breastfeeding is for her that has made up her mind!

It's clear you haven't a clue what dogmatic means, colditz, and why telling someone what they should or shouldn't do is an example of it.

"Yikes, Lynli!!!

You cannot tell someone to stop breastfeeding - you have no idea of the OP's background, full story or whether a switch to formula (a major change to her and her baby) would help the terrible distress she is experiencing."

Would 'telling someone what they should or shouldn't do' be an accurate description of the above phrase?

You very clearly told Lynli that she CANNOT tell someone to stop breast feeding.

I said stop breast feeding because I thought the OP wanted to stop but felt she should carry on.

She said the breast feeding made her desperately unhappy. I felt if people said well you are not morally obliged to do it she would have felt better about stopping.

I breast fed and think it is best to do so, but not at any price.

Sometimes so much pressure is put on mothers to breast feed and they are made to feel they are unnatural or uncaring if they don't want to, I think that is sad. Bonding with your baby and enjoying motherhood is IMO more important.

Lynli I agree that the relationship the mother has with her baby is important, as is her mental health. When feeding interferes with these, then of course it's time to consider options.

The OP was conflicted. She hated (her words) all the associated aspects of breastfeeding and she also hated (her word again) the effect bottle feeding had on her baby.

Telling people what they should do - as you did - is not the right response to this conflict, which needs to be worked out by the OP herself. You can make the point you wanted to make - about the positives not outweighing the negatives in your view - without telling her what to do, surely.

I think it's unhelpful when people are directive like this in real life, and it's worse on a talkboard, where you have only a few lines of what the person has chosen to write to go on.

I find it extremely funny that you are saying that I am doing dogmatic wrong. And just because someone is conflicted does not mean they should be offered only the advice you want them to get.

You didn't offer advice - you told her what she 'should' do.

Wrong.

And dogmatic.

It would have been just as wrong, and just as dogmatic, to say 'you should continue breastfeeding'.