why is it deemed acceptable to tell a bfing mum to switch to formula, but never the other way round?!

[kveta]

grr, I'm getting so pissed off just now - DS is 10 months old, and all my mum friends are in the process of weaning off bm and onto formula. babies range in age from 6-12 months, and the mothers are ALL SAHMs who have made the choice to change their method of feeding. I have NEVER told them that they should/shouldn't, or indeed passed any comment on their choices, and think I have been fairly supportive when a couple were crying about stopping bfing (telling them it's not the be all and end all of mothering, and they've done amazingly well so far etc etc).

So why do they (and just about everyone else I meet/know) think it's ok to tell me to stop bfing?

examples:
DS doesn't sleep through the night yet - if anyone asks how he's sleeping and I say 'ha ha, not so great, oh well he'll grow out of it', they will say 'hmm, why don't you stop bfing, mine slept well since going onto formula'

He isn't a great eater of solids, and seems to make up for it by bfing whenever I'm around (I work 5 days a week, but am home by 3). This isn't really a problem - HV has even said he's the absolute picture of health, so just keep doing what suits us. Still, several friends with babies the same age have started seriously cutting back on feeds (one was only feeding her 6 month old DD twice a day so she would eat more solids), and all have told me to stop BFing so he eats more.

DS has bitten me a couple of times when BFing - a few women I know stopped bfing when teeth emerged to avoid being bitten (their choice to do so, am not judging at all - just not my choice), so when they ask if he's ever bitten me and I say yes, but it's no big deal, they recoil in horror and tell me I should give him formula.

Oh, and DS is walking now - so one friend said to me yesterday 'oh well, now he's walking, you have to give him formula, he needs the extra calories and it's not right to breast feed a toddler*, is it? After all, it limits their independence, and they can hold a bottle on their own!'

GAH!! Has anyone else had this shit from people? How do you respond without being astoundingly rude?

*WTF?!
**WTF WTF?!

I have no idea, I think it's just because people are weirded out by anyone BF for longer than 6 months. I'm still feeding 21 mo DD. I would just respond by being rude, at least then they will stop I can't remember if anyone has ever said anything like that to me, I tend to just switch off when being given unsolicited advice because it's usually utter crap.

I think they're a teeny bit jealous in all honesty. Or have a guilt complex or some such.

I'm meeting some mums from my antenatal group next week so will be interesting to see what they say about me "still" BF DS as they either didn't try or switched to formula around 3 months. Last time we met, I got the "oh you're so good, still BF" in that sweet yet insincere way I just smiled sweetly back and said yes.

TBH I LOVE a good bunfight so may well be very sarcastic back. Especially as I'm tired [yawn] as DS is not sleeping through either.

P.s. Walking!!!! That's great! My DS is not there yet, still crawling although using his walker.

you know you wouldnt have this problem of you just gave him a bottle

Very impressed by the walking btw!!

@ stealth

when friends do the deeply insincere 'OMG, you're still bfing, well done you!', I always point out it's mainly through laziness, as I'm currently expressing every work day, and just cleaning the bottle and pump is such a bastarding faff - why bother? I can clean my boobs in the shower (and indeed, often do!), which is far less hassle than cleaning bottles, sterilising bottles, making formula, mopping up the inevitable powder spilled everywhere etc etc.

and you wouldn't be impressed by the walking if it were yours - he's found new ways to cause havoc since he's got more mobile, the little sod delightful child.

because giving up bfing for ffing is usually hugely emotive and people feel properly rubbish about it - even if their baby is sleeping through or whatever... and telling a bfing mum to give the baby formula vindicates their own decision to stop / never have started.

imho it is unacceptable and like you said, the listening, the supporting and generally keeping unwanted opinions to yourself should go both ways. sadly, it doesn't .

at cleaning your boobs in the shower line. I may well use that one.

Hum I offten used the excuse of why should I bother with bottles when I can wait till 12months and just give cups of milk. A lot less hasule then. Although that only worked till 12months.

I had a bad sleeper to I just kept thinking well formula woun't nesacerly make her sleep. As I know one or two bottle fed babies who didn't sleep well either. Can you imagine having to get up in the middle of the night and make a feed, far to much hard work, I need more sleep am to lazy then that.

Well done by the way just keep ignoring everyone else.

I bottle feed dd2, and you can tell your mates, that it doesn't always mean they sleep through! I know plenty of people with kids who are on the bottle who are crap sleepers. Well done you for still BF (not insincere). I know it's shit when people think it's ok to comment on your parenting choices - no matter what those choices happen to be. ;)

Tell them to swivel. And every time they comment / complain about something their DC is doing, reply "Oh maybe if you were still breastfeeding that wouldn't be a problem..." Eventually they'll get the point.

I agree - you're making them feel guilty!

Like you, I find cleaning my boobs in the shower so much nicer than faffing around with a steriliser...

To be honest I think it is a relief for some women to be told that it is okay for them to use formula. Sometimes breastfeeding is a miserable experience for a mother and baby and motherhood is about more than milk.

I know what you mean - I have a childless friend who got quite opinionated about this.

When DS was about a few weeks old she asked if I was 'still feeding him myself' I said yes. She said 'oh my God don't you get tired?' Um yes, but I'd be MORE tired if I had to get up and make a bottle at 3 am instead of just plonking him on the boob.

Then when he was 3 months she asked the same question again. I answered yes and she BELLOWED at me 'Oh my God, woman, get him on a bottle! he MUST be old enough by now!'

Why is it ok for people to criticise you for breastfeeding, but you can't say to a formula feeder that they should breastfeed their baby?

I fed DS till 16 months.

all I can say is I can see how you would be very annoyed. I would be too the inequality of it all.

Good on ya for sticking with it, I gave to 'peer' pressure with dd1 at 6 months, DD2 stuck to my guns and fed her til 18months.

I never get the notion that ff babies sleep better. I know loads that don't. Plus, so what if they did? I know lots of ways i could get my baby to sleep if i really wanted to, but i don't do them either!

Also the idea that it must be easier. I wonder how many women give up bf so other people can "help" only to find that a month later dh is bored/too busy and grandma has gone home...as they're scrubbing bottles/ waiting half an hour for a kettle to cool at 4am

Dh never loses interest in helping keep my boobs clean

I really am sorry that you've had to hear all that sh*t op. It's especially galling as it is so frowned upon to repeat the benefits of bf to people lest they are offended.

Good on you for keeping going.

queenofdreams - my grandmother keeps on at me like that too - 'he's too old to breast feed, get him on a bottle!'
my response to that has been 'it took me so bloody long to establish breastfeeding, I'm not stopping it until I absolutely have to!'

I should probably add - DS has had some formula when at the childminders and I've not expressed enough. it doesn't bother me, I have nothing against the stuff. he does use bottles, and is fine. HOWEVER, I see no need to complicate my life by stopping bfing altogether, and buying a substitute for something I make for free!

It annoys me too, and as you say if you say to someone whose 10-day old screams with tummy ache after a bottle of formula 'oh that might not happen if you were BFing', then they would rightly be very upset.

As a FFer I wouldn't dream if telling a BFer to stop or suggest it may help in any way - I wouldn't see it as any of my business.

kveta, I had some of these comments too and agree that it's incredibly annoying. In the end, I was so fed up that I even got annoyed when people praised me for breastfeeding at 10 months, as if it was a really, really weird thing to do. It's not! It's normal!

I am 'still' breastfeeding DS, who is very nearly 2 years old. If it's any comfort, nobody says anything negative to me now. I think it's a sort of phase you have to go through before people realise that you are really serious about continuing to breastfeed, and learn that you are not looking down on them because you are successful at it.

Hmmm, maybe people are just offering advice thinking they're being helpful rather than judgemental?

I breastfed for 2 months, until my doc begged me to give it up as I was depressed and miserable - bf ing was soooooooo difficult. I seriously wanted to do it but it really didn't work out for us and when it started to get my baby upset too... well, time to quit. And no, you don't have to faff with sterilising and powders if you don't want to even if formula feeding - there are sterile ready mixes available that aren't really that expensive... I guess people are trying to get different points across, i.e. don't be worried about formula or feel guilty if you cannot breastfeed as this is a sore point for many of us.

Anyway, I think the thing that I would say to any mother is that do whatever is right for you two - there will always be someone telling you you should be doing something different, whether this is mother-in-law, HV, doctor, friend... or a perfect stranger!

I can really identify with this. I fed DS until he was one, I was the only one in my antenatal class to bf beyond six months and I felt amazingly judged. I have recently mentioned this to a friend from my NCT class and she confirmed that I was right and everyone did judge me!

I think other people want to back up their own choices by seeing other people make the same ones. Incidentally I went back to work early and expressed like a demon so DS never had formula. My friend commented that it was the fact I was clearly putting such a lot of effort into not using formula made everyone else feel I was judging their decision to stop.

I felt that I had to keep justifying my decision to carry on, mainly with arguments of convenience. In reality I carried on bf and expressing for two reasons:
1)I really enjoyed bf and wanted to maintain my supply for days I wasn't working. I would have been very upset if DS had wanted a feed when I was there and I didn't have the milk.
2) Someone had told me I would never manage to get to a year with working and not using formula and I am very stubborn. That was like red rag to a bull.

So my reasons were very personal to me and I really wasn't judging my friends. It didn't stop the constant comments though...

'My friend commented that it was the fact I was clearly putting such a lot of effort into not using formula made everyone else feel I was judging their decision to stop.'

That is EXACTLY it.

ChocolateCalculator I have been back at work for 4 monts and also expressing away for exactly the same reasons.

I believe some bpeople think I am a bit bonkers but who cares!

I too refuse to buy milk or faff with bottles when I am not working

Oh I had this for ages with DD1 from in laws and how I had done my 6 weeks etc. I just ignored it. The comment that really got me was "is it not for the best that you stop now"? Best for who?? me?? DD?? No its not for the bloody best!!

This time round SIL had baby at same time and tried to feed but couldn't and now nothing is ever mentioned about my feeding, but she was struggling with formula feeding and amounts etc and she asked how do I know how much to feed her and I said oh I don't know because I breast feed. Well, the looks I got for that comment. But I wasn't acting superior it's the truth, but even if I was acting superior, I had to put up with months of comments with DD1 about my feeding so why can't I comment!!

Anyway, I honestly wasn't being superior.

Now if anyone asks if I'm still feeding I say I can't afford to formula feed!

Oh and I stopped feeding DD1 at 6 months due to returning to work and she will be 2 next month and still doesn't sleep through the night! Never, not once!!

DD2 however is EBF and at 4 months has slept through on about a dozen occasions!