Come and meet HELEN MACDONALD, author of Costa Book of the Year H IS FOR HAWK, on Thurs 30 April, 9-10pm

[TillyMumsnetBookClub]

Our April choice is a one-of-a-kind, unforgettable book. H IS FOR HAWK has won the Samuel Johnson Prize, the overall Costa prize and has had many Mumsnetters in rhapsodies: ‘This is quite an extraordinary book. Even if you don't know anything about hawks, or think that you wouldn't like a book about them, still read this - it is so good’ (DuchessofMalfi); ‘Really one of its own… So unique and powerful’ (mytartanscarf). A hybrid of memoir, nature-writing and biography, it is written in the most beautiful and moving prose. Helen MacDonald fell in love with hawks as a little girl and trained them throughout her life. Following the sudden death of her beloved father, she decides to train a goshawk, famous for its tricky nature. MacDonald’s honesty, fierce intelligence and raw emotion make her subject completely captivating. A truly remarkable book about death, love, memory, landscape and human frailty.

You can find out more on our book of the month page, and follow Helen on her excellent and very funny Twitter feed

Vintage have 50 copies of H IS FOR HAWK to give to Mumsnetters: to claim your copy please go to the book of the month page before 9am on Monday 23 March. If you’re not lucky enough to bag one of those, you can always get a Kindle version here or paperback here

We are delighted that Helen will be joining us on Thursday 30th April, 9-10pm to discuss H IS FOR HAWK, her writing career plus much more. Please feel free to discuss the book here throughout the month and then come and meet Helen on the night, and ask her a question or simply tell her what you thought of the book. Look forward to seeing you on the 30th.

Hi Helen,
Thanks so much for coming to Mumsnet to talk about your book. One of the great things about this book club is that it takes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me to read and finish books that I would never have chosen myself. I am an avid reader but never non fiction and I must admit that I didn't realise this was a true story until I had finished it and read the reviews.
Your writing is gorgeous, I am in awe of your talent. Unfortunately, I didn't really enjoy T H Whites story. I found it difficult to relate to and it seemed more like a textbook. However, your description of your grief and desire to channel your energy into Mabel was inspiring.
My question to you is will you write another book or concentrate on your poetry?

Good luck with whatever you choose.
Ps I hadn't realised that Mabel had died. I have had a few tears!

Your obsession with falconry at such a young age is fascinating. I have four children so have been around many young people and have never seen anything like it, for any subject! Do you feel you have an addictive personality generally, and do you have an explanation for why you were so obsessed? ( I think it's the obsession I find interesting, not that it was for falconry specifically.)

No questions here - although am enjoying reading everyone else's (and your answers) but I just wanted to add my voice to all the others and say how wonderful I found your book and how it has enriched my year. It's the best thing I have read in a very, very long time.

@barricade

Many thanks to Mumsnet / Random House & Vintage Books for a copy of 'H is for Hawk' by Helen Macdonald. I haven't yet completed reading the book, but I must admit, I first opened it with some uncertainty, as I do not usually go for what I consider 'nature themed' books. What I've found is something far more. A moving and melancholy reflection of the way we deal with loss. The prose is exacting, and the writing incredibly imaginative for a memoir. The themes presented are brought to life with meticulously constructed emotive language.

I'd like to begin by asking Helen a slightly personal question (you really do not have to answer) ......

QUESTION:- As someone who recently lost my own father, your words really resonated. You seemed to subsequently form a deep attachment to Mabel - how much did your time with your hawk remind you of your father? And did you feel anywhere near the same sense of loss when you lost Mabel?

I'm so, so sorry you have recently lost your father. My deepest sympathy goes out to you.

I think that at heart, Mabel was actually a way of trying to forget my father - well, not forget him, but disappear into a place where there was no father, no family, no friends, no humans at all. I hated the pain of grief and I didn't want to feel it any more. I sort of say in the book that I ran to the hawk the way that some people run to drugs or alcohol, to numb my feelings. I know that's a bit trite, but it was how it seemed.

When I lost Mabel I felt terribly, terribly sad, but - I guess I'd learned some things about life and death that year. That we are only on the world for a while and then we are gone. I think I'd reconciled myself to that, by then. Though as I said earlier, I miss her so very much.

Really interesting reading your replies to all the questions. I've got another one. But since I asked a 'deep' question earlier, I think I'll go for a 'light and frothy' one this time ...

QUESTION:- Congratulations on receiving the 'Costa Book Of The Year' award (as well as the Samuel Johnson prize). The question is: Are you an avid coffee drinker?

Thanks to the publishers for sending me my book! Admittedly, it is probably not one I would normally consider picking up in Waterstones! So I am thankful I was coaxed out of my comfort zone.
I am really in love with your writing style, it is beautifully creative and yet perfectly concise!

Haven't quite finished the novel yet, but I'm working through it.

Interestingly, the last novel I read was 'Wild' by Cheryl Strayed, similarly it deals with the death of a parent and the process of losing yourself in something new in order to deal with the complicated emotions that arise with grief. The writing style was certainly simpler, but I would recommend it!

Sorry I'm being a bit slow, typing furiously, trying to catch up! Thank you for your patience!

Many thanks for the really thoughtful response, Helen. You answered just as I was sending my 2nd (rather silly) question.

I can tell from the way you write about Mabel, how much you cared for her and your passion. Do you still train birds of prey?

@pbandbacon

Good evening! I enjoyed the contrast of the parallel story with TH White and learning about him as a person. How much of his story was with you in the year you write about in the book? Were there any 'aha!' moments you came across in your research that you related to with hindsight?

Good evening to you too, hello! Well, I read his book many times that year while I was training and flying Mabel. I had always been bewildered by him when I was a child. I didn't understand why he did what he did or why he treated his hawk so badly. But it wasn't until later, when I travelled to Texas and read through all his unpublished manuscripts and letters and journals that I realised he was going to have a bigger part in the book. He is such a sad, broken, traumatised figure, and though I don't like him very much I do feel a lot of compassion for the child that he was, and how appallingly he had been treated at home and at school. As for aha! moments? you know, there was this bit in his journals which had been written in pencil. And then erased. Really carefully erased. I thought it must be something truly, truly horrendous. I spent a long time trying to work out what it might have said - I photographed it, and then played around with it in photoshop. Finally I realised it was him confessing to having masturbated. That was an aha moment. It made me realise how much he suffered from shame, from fear, and how much that drove him. It was incredibly poignant :(

@Pasithea

Thank you for your answer.

Thank you! I'm sorry I can't write at more length -- so many questions waves

Helen, so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I can't ever imagine writing so openly about something so personal. I felt really connected to this book in a way that i find difficult to explain. It is beautifully written and engaging in a subtle way. At first i thought it would be so far removed from my own personal experiences that i wouldnt read it all, but from the first page it draws you in and keeps you there without feeling like you are intruding.

Can i ask about your process of writing - are you an early morning / late night writer. Do you use pen and paper or computer.

Thank you Helen, a great testament to your Father and his influence on you

@CoddledAsAMommet

I read this while nursing my newborn (now 16 weeks.) I loved the description of you getting to know Mabel; the time spent learning to read each others' cues and almost becoming one being. I felt this way about my baby and now think of her as my own 'hawk'. I lost my father seven years ago and was particularly struck by your idea ( when you find your father's key) that when the initial grief has passed, what's left is just love. I felt at times that you shied away from talking directly of your grief, avoiding looking directly at it / analysing how you felt but using metaphor instead. Do you agree? Is this because looking too closely was too painful?

I was surprised how much of my grief was felt in simple physical terms. Actual physical pain. And I didn't have any words for how that was. Maybe other people think more, when they lose a loved one. I retreated into a kind of animal state, which might be why the goshawk appealed, in some ways? Metaphors were all I had, back then. And maybe, yes, they were a way of avoiding flat statements about how it felt or seemed. That is a completely fascinating question. I'll think more about it!

Thanks so much for asking it.

I'm really interested to read all your answers Helen, although I still have a few chapters left from the book. Like so many others here I want to say congratulations on such a though provoking and beautifully written book. As a huge Barry Hines fan I'm interested to know your thoughts on Kestral for a Knave and of course the film Kes? It was a big part of my childhood.

Helen, I loved reading your book for so many different reasons - thank you! I really agree with what you say earlier about the difference between poetry and stories. I always turn to stories (especially my family's tales) and the landscape for comfort as I find that these things communicate with feeling without me having to work out what they mean - they are just there. Do you think this is why we all so often turn to stories and the natural environment when we have personal crises as a way of escaping or avoiding having to make everything make sense?

I haven't managed to wrestle the book away from my husband yet, he loves it by the way says it's the best book he has read in ages. It made me think how surprising it is that though it is quite a country pursuit how enthralled we all are by the hawk. Are you surprised as well did you think that maybe it would only appeal to a niche market

@Sarah3kids

With so much care, knowledge & information that has gone into this book what do you see yourself writing about in the future. Will there be more on this subject or a complete change?

This is quite a pressing question! Haha! I have a two book deal with my publishers, and I've been so busy this year I've not really had a chance to sit down and work out what the next book will be. But I think it will be about us. About us humans and the natural world. i don't think there's a more important subject right now; we're living in an ecological apocalypse, and I'm so fascinated by the ways people think about and use nature in their lives and cultures. Although I do tease my editor that I'm going to write a book about buses next :D

@Pasithea

You say that grief cannot be tamed. Over time and looking back surely up your grief is having a lesser affect on your life and you can control it more. Can that not be looked upon as 'tamed'.

True! But I think ... I think time tamed it. Not me. Does that make sense? I had to be patient.

Hi Helen

It's so great to have you here. From the first page, I was completely drawn in. So much so that for the couple of days it took to finish H for Hawk, the real world somehow felt a bit less real (sorry if that sounds a bit weird!!).

My question is: you write very powerfully about loss and the sense of disconnection. How aware were you at the time of that sense of disconnection (it's a feeling I recognise after I lost my mum and somehow the world just didn't feel as solid and "there" without her in it). And how important was writing the book in making sense of that?

Thanks for your lovely answer to my questions! Can I ask another one? You write about all the books that inspired you as a child, and about White's Arthurian books (which I have on my shelf and haven't read yet and am definitely going to, now) - and I was just wondering whether you also write fiction or if you would be tempted to?

For anyone who'd like to read more about THREADS (recommended by Helen above), here's a great review which shows one of Craske's marvellous embroidered pics.

@TillyMumsnetBookClub

I like your reply to MollyAir - did you find the false starts were about finding the voice to use in the book? Or was it more to do with what you were going to put in/leave out?

I'm also really intrigued to know how your university work and your creative writing work together - do you feel there is a big difference in how you handle academic papers and how you created this book?

The false starts were because I wasn't being honest. I was trying to be reserved, not put what I'd really felt on the page. The voice seemed ... false. It wasn't real. And because of that, I couldn't progress; everything I wrote fell apart. Once I took a deep breath and started saying everything utterly openly, then that voice told me what was in the book and what wasn't.

Hmm I'm not sure that makes sense.

Academic writing is more scary in a sense. it is a kind of performance. You assume a voice that is not quite your own, and you are judged in different ways. I wonder if it was that voice I was struggling to escape from when I started writing? Maybe.

I'm really enjoying your answers here, Helen, thank you!

@booksandwool

That's exactly it! "his ability to make things strange and deeply meaningful in a few well-wrought sentences", and it's what your book's doing for me too.

So another question - I know you've mentioned above about the decision on how much of yourself to expose in the book, and you say it's complete now, it's out there and you couldn't change it because it has its own identity. But is there a part of you that wrote it thinking it wouldn't really have a wide audience, so you could be massively open and vulnerable in it....so that it was a bit of a reassessment now it's become huge?
(I'm not sure this question makes any sense. Please feel free to tell me it doesn't).

I trust readers, even if they don't like me or the book. I can't write unless I feel that. But strangely enough, I don't think I made myself vulnerable in the book. The person in the book is not me, now, and she was broken, weirdly self-obsessed, bonkers, and ultimately really depressed. But she got better. Because she got better the book is .. it's safe.

Just to say, I am really enjoying reading all your answers and everyone's questions, too. Thank you!