Come and meet HELEN MACDONALD, author of Costa Book of the Year H IS FOR HAWK, on Thurs 30 April, 9-10pm

[TillyMumsnetBookClub]

Our April choice is a one-of-a-kind, unforgettable book. H IS FOR HAWK has won the Samuel Johnson Prize, the overall Costa prize and has had many Mumsnetters in rhapsodies: ‘This is quite an extraordinary book. Even if you don't know anything about hawks, or think that you wouldn't like a book about them, still read this - it is so good’ (DuchessofMalfi); ‘Really one of its own… So unique and powerful’ (mytartanscarf). A hybrid of memoir, nature-writing and biography, it is written in the most beautiful and moving prose. Helen MacDonald fell in love with hawks as a little girl and trained them throughout her life. Following the sudden death of her beloved father, she decides to train a goshawk, famous for its tricky nature. MacDonald’s honesty, fierce intelligence and raw emotion make her subject completely captivating. A truly remarkable book about death, love, memory, landscape and human frailty.

You can find out more on our book of the month page, and follow Helen on her excellent and very funny Twitter feed

Vintage have 50 copies of H IS FOR HAWK to give to Mumsnetters: to claim your copy please go to the book of the month page before 9am on Monday 23 March. If you’re not lucky enough to bag one of those, you can always get a Kindle version here or paperback here

We are delighted that Helen will be joining us on Thursday 30th April, 9-10pm to discuss H IS FOR HAWK, her writing career plus much more. Please feel free to discuss the book here throughout the month and then come and meet Helen on the night, and ask her a question or simply tell her what you thought of the book. Look forward to seeing you on the 30th.

Helen, I have a few things I'd like to ask you about, but I just need to post straight away to say really, what a wonderful, profound, illuminating book. It's gone straight on to my "keep and treasure" list.
I think it sealed its place when you mentioned Philip Pullman and the Pan/Lyra bond - so apt.
A book it put me in mind of, mainly in its evocations of nature but also in the way it tells stories, is Sebald's Rings of Saturn. Have you read it? Do you notice the similarities yourself?

@MargoReadbetter

Beautiful writing, great book.

Q for Helen: how do you feel about all the praise you deservedly received for this book compared to the recognition so far of your writing as a poet? Is this partly because novels are more accessible to the general public?

Thank you! I think I’m still in a sort of state of shock about it all! I had no idea the book would be so well received. I used to write experimental poetry back when I was a student, and it was pretty well reviewed in specialist journals, but it wasn’t ever read more widely. I’ve not written any for years. Experimental poetry always seemed to me something that is a bit like a crossword puzzle. At first sight you might not know what the hell is going on, but it’s fun to read it over and over again and try to work out what’s going on. The poems I used to write, way back when, felt like things for people to frown over, tinker with, puzzles to solve. A book like H is for Hawk is a story. Stories are more friendly. They’re about sharing, not solving. Oh lord I hope that doesn’t sound too precious.

@Shells

Hi Helen, absolutely loved the book. Do you find that people start to think they know you/want to be your friend now that you have written such a personal book? I want to be your friend after reading it and I think you maybe horrified by so many strangers getting a bit too presumptious!

Aw that’s such a nice question. I’m going to reply with a confession: I’m SO INCREDIBLY GUILTY about how few letters I’ve replied to over the last few months - I’ve had hundreds of really lovely, hugely moving letters from people who’ve read the book, and I’ve not had any time to reply to them. They’re all in a box in my living room. I’m going to sit down in the autumn and write back to everyone. Properly. But back to your question - I like my privacy, as we all do, but I don’t mind if people think they know me! I love meeting people at talks and events. We’re all in the same boat. We all suffer losses, we all have dark times, we all want to run away sometimes. Remembering that, no-one feels like a stranger.

@hackmum

An obvious question from me: do you still have Mabel and, if so, how is she?

Alas no. I’m sorry to say that she died a couple of years ago, very suddenly and very unexpectedly from an airborne fungal infection called Aspergillosis. It’s been the bane of goshawk keepers for centuries and kills a lot of birds in the wild too. I miss her terribly! I still have a few of her moulted feathers, and the little numbered metal band she wore on her leg. I’m looking at the feathers now, they’re in a green earthenware vase on my desk. Oh Mabel :(

@MollyAir

I'd like to pose what may seem like a strange question, given the extraordinary success of H is for Hawk:

Do you have any regrets about what you decided to include in the book?

I think the book has a special alchemy which makes it work so well, so I wouldn't change a thing. Nor, clearly, would the critics. But I wonder if you ever felt it was, perhaps, too personal for your own comfort? Too exposing? To what extent did you knowingly take those risks?

I'm sure that if you had not been so emotionally honest, we wouldn't have loved the book so much. Thank you, by the way. It was a wonderful experience to read it.

Glad you enjoyed the experience of reading it! And thank you for the emoji flowers! :D That’s a fascinating question, no-one has ever asked me that before. Don’t think I’d change anything now, and for a weird reason - the book is its own thing now, it is like a pot or a vase or a painting. I can’t imagine changing anything because it’s not mine any more. Does that make sense? Maybe not! And as for exposing - yes, when I started the book I tried to be a little more guarded about how I felt and what I thought. But it didn’t work. There were a few false starts, before I realised I had to be honest about everything. I don’t feel that exposed, oddly enough, partly because I’m not the person in the book any more. She seems a long time ago.

I absolutely loved this book - it is so beautifully written, very moving in the exploration of grief and loss, and also full of fascinating information about landscape and wildlife. I felt I learned so much, which for me is always a sign of a good book.

I'd like to ask Helen, at what point during the process of training Mabel did you realise you wanted to write about it, and about what you were going through? And how did you organise all the different aspects of falconry, and life, and T H White's story too, and manage to make it all feel so seamless? You mention keeping a journal of the training, but I wondered whether you are a regular diary writer, and if so whether you drew on that?

One more question: the world of falconry seems quite arcane to the outsider and I wondered how other falconers have responded to you writing about it?

Thank you so much for a wonderful book, Helen!

Many thanks to Mumsnet / Random House & Vintage Books for a copy of 'H is for Hawk' by Helen Macdonald. I haven't yet completed reading the book, but I must admit, I first opened it with some uncertainty, as I do not usually go for what I consider 'nature themed' books. What I've found is something far more. A moving and melancholy reflection of the way we deal with loss. The prose is exacting, and the writing incredibly imaginative for a memoir. The themes presented are brought to life with meticulously constructed emotive language.

I'd like to begin by asking Helen a slightly personal question (you really do not have to answer) ......

QUESTION:- As someone who recently lost my own father, your words really resonated. You seemed to subsequently form a deep attachment to Mabel - how much did your time with your hawk remind you of your father? And did you feel anywhere near the same sense of loss when you lost Mabel?

@FernieB

Finished this last night, just in time for tonight's chat. I confess I did skim read some parts about White as I wasn't hugely interested in him (found I disliked him from Helens references to him early in the book). What drew my interest was Helens relationship with Mabel and the progress of her 'manning'.

I'd also like to know how Mabel is doing as I'm sure everyone will.

It seems as though looking after a goshawk is fairly hands on, almost comparable to a toddler! Is this the case? How do you find time for work, shopping etc? Do you have plans to write more about Mabel?

You are not alone! Some people dislike the White bits of the book and prefer my story, and others are bored by my story and prefer White’s. I completely understand that! That question as to whether living with a hawk is like living with a toddler? Well, I mean, toddlers can’t fly and don’t run off and catch rabbits, as a rule, but you do have that sense that you are responsible for something very, very precious that you must take the greatest care of, and you don’t want to mess it up or put a foot wrong..

I used to dash out to the supermarket and get food, but basically all my time was spent with the hawk. I was living on my last pay cheque and had very little money that year so was eating things like stale crumpets and Mabel-caught pheasant. I don't think I'll write more about Mabel. The book is a kind of goodbye to her, and to my dad, and to the person I was back then. But I think her often.

@FernieB

Can I ask how you have found the reaction to this book? Did you expect it to be so well received?

Also, when you started writing this book, what kind of book were you primarily intending to write - a book about grief or about a hawk?

Still pinching myself, to be honest. I didn't know it would be so well received, and I don't know if it's sunk in. The weirdest things have happened. I had this experience a while back, had to go on a Scandinavian TV show with Geri Halliwell, Ricky Gervais and Kanye West. I'm sitting there in this tv studio, my face caked with TV makeup, and kept thinking THIS CANNOT ACTUALLY BE HAPPENING. Bonkers!

As for what I intended the book to be - well, I guess I knew it would be about grief and sadness and the natural world and the hawk was the thing it all revolved around. It's about how we use nature as a mirror of our own needs, and how that is both a kind of solace - and a mistake. But Mabel is the centre of the book. The most extraordinary and magnetic character. I knew it would be a hybrid book, and I wasn't sure it would work. I'm very happy it turned out ok!

Hi, I too would like to know was it a privacy issue that there is no real depth to the relationships with your Mother & brother. Did you make a conscious decision from the outset to keep them out of it? I felt your observations and opinions of White were very enlightening, (beautifully written) - I just wanted a bit more of you & where you came from.

@Pasithea

Thank you for the book mumsnet and Helen. Also congratulations on your award.

I was very moved reading parts of this book. I was very disturbed reading the part after you got the Hawk and where " manning " with her. Mabel was obviously terrified of her new world. Did you relate to this as you where terrified of your new life without your Dad. Was it like a symbiotic rebirth into a new world which you both didn't know and where understandably frightened of. Something that you felt you couldn't do alone.

Thanks.

Thank you! Yes, the early days with a new hawk are really nervewracking, because here is a creature that you are desperately keen to make feel at ease, but of course initially they are frightened of you. Mabel decided quite quickly that I was not a horrible monster, and I was hugely relieved by this - some goshawks are very, very hard to tame. I love your point about it being a rebirth. Yes, in part. And I think in one way I wanted to tame the hawk because I knew a hawk COULD be tamed. Grief can't be tamed at all. It was something I knew I could do. And yes, I didn't want to be alone, and the hawk was a deep and wondrous distraction.

Good evening! I enjoyed the contrast of the parallel story with TH White and learning about him as a person. How much of his story was with you in the year you write about in the book? Were there any 'aha!' moments you came across in your research that you related to with hindsight?

@booksandwool

Helen, I have a few things I'd like to ask you about, but I just need to post straight away to say really, what a wonderful, profound, illuminating book. It's gone straight on to my "keep and treasure" list. I think it sealed its place when you mentioned Philip Pullman and the Pan/Lyra bond - so apt. A book it put me in mind of, mainly in its evocations of nature but also in the way it tells stories, is Sebald's Rings of Saturn. Have you read it? Do you notice the similarities yourself?

Thank you so much. I'm all red-faced here, so happy that you and others enjoyed the book and it meant something to you. And Sebald? He's an absolute master, isn't he? Just the most amazing writer. His evocation of place, his thoughtfulness, his ability to make things strange and deeply meaningful in a few well-wrought sentences. Being compared to him is a thrill! I hope I share his interest in how history informs the way we look at landscape and ourselves, but I don't think I could ever match his works! Hmm. Must go and read them again.

Thank you for your answer.

I read this while nursing my newborn (now 16 weeks.) I loved the description of you getting to know Mabel; the time spent learning to read each others' cues and almost becoming one being. I felt this way about my baby and now think of her as my own 'hawk'.
I lost my father seven years ago and was particularly struck by your idea ( when you find your father's key) that when the initial grief has passed, what's left is just love.
I felt at times that you shied away from talking directly of your grief, avoiding looking directly at it / analysing how you felt but using metaphor instead. Do you agree? Is this because looking too closely was too painful?

With so much care, knowledge & information that has gone into this book what do you see yourself writing about in the future. Will there be more on this subject or a complete change?

You say that grief cannot be tamed. Over time and looking back surely up your grief is having a lesser affect on your life and you can control it more. Can that not be looked upon as 'tamed'.

I like your reply to MollyAir - did you find the false starts were about finding the voice to use in the book? Or was it more to do with what you were going to put in/leave out?

I'm also really intrigued to know how your university work and your creative writing work together - do you feel there is a big difference in how you handle academic papers and how you created this book?

@frogletsmum

I absolutely loved this book - it is so beautifully written, very moving in the exploration of grief and loss, and also full of fascinating information about landscape and wildlife. I felt I learned so much, which for me is always a sign of a good book.

I'd like to ask Helen, at what point during the process of training Mabel did you realise you wanted to write about it, and about what you were going through? And how did you organise all the different aspects of falconry, and life, and T H White's story too, and manage to make it all feel so seamless? You mention keeping a journal of the training, but I wondered whether you are a regular diary writer, and if so whether you drew on that?

One more question: the world of falconry seems quite arcane to the outsider and I wondered how other falconers have responded to you writing about it?

Thank you so much for a wonderful book, Helen!

Hello! What a lovely question, and it's a hard one to answer. Writing the book was a bit like those old music hall acts when people start spinning plates on poles and you have to keep them all going at once without any slowing down and falling to the ground. It was really hard at first, but then something very strange happened: the book started to write itself. I know that sounds daft, but it started to feel as if the book was something that wasn't quite - but almost was - alive. I'd try to do certain things and the book wouldn't let me, I'd grind to a halt. And then I'd find myself writing about something I didn't expect, and it would run away with me. Towards the middle of the book it did feel like the book and I were a kind of unlikely team. That sounds so odd, I know. I don't keep a regular diary, but that year is still so incredibly clear in my mind. It's very strange. I think that might be a side-product of grief. And I didn't know I wanted to write the book, I think, until the end of htat year, when I realised that I'd been through something that was much bigger than just the story of a bird and a woman who trained it.

I expected falconers to hate the book, but they've been happy, generally. I suspect it's because I make falconry look quite hard. It is! It's difficult and time-consuming and needs a lot of dedication and time and emotional energy. Some of them were worried that it would make loads of people go out and buy hawks. I don't think that's happened!

Thanks again!

That's exactly it! "his ability to make things strange and deeply meaningful in a few well-wrought sentences", and it's what your book's doing for me too.

So another question - I know you've mentioned above about the decision on how much of yourself to expose in the book, and you say it's complete now, it's out there and you couldn't change it because it has its own identity. But is there a part of you that wrote it thinking it wouldn't really have a wide audience, so you could be massively open and vulnerable in it....so that it was a bit of a reassessment now it's become huge?
(I'm not sure this question makes any sense. Please feel free to tell me it doesn't).

Thanks for answering my questions.

One more! Mabel clearly helped you through your grief over your father and by the time she went into moult, you seemed to be coming to terms with your loss. Did you find that the process of writing the book made you revisit your grief? Was it painful or helpful?

@paulasmith

I loved your book. I have a question I'd like to ask. In the book, you only mention your brother and mother and how they dealt with the death of your father in passing. I was wondering if this was a conscious decision to protect their privacy or if it was due to the fact that that would have diluted the book's focus (being your personal journey)? Or whether it was a combination of both or none of the above!

I would be really interested to hear your opinion on my ramblings!

This is an important question - thank you for asking it. It was a conscious decision. Relatedly, people often ask me why there's not more about my father in the book, more about his life and character. He was a very private man, not given to talking about himself much, and I wanted to respect that. My mum and brother are obviously still around, and I love them hugely and respect their privacy. I think that was the main reason they don't feature that much. But also, of course, I'd run away from them to fly the hawk and disappear from the world - I still feel awful about that. I wish I'd spent more time supporting them and being a better daughter/sister. They say they've forgiven me, though...

@Sarah3kids

Hi, I too would like to know was it a privacy issue that there is no real depth to the relationships with your Mother & brother. Did you make a conscious decision from the outset to keep them out of it? I felt your observations and opinions of White were very enlightening, (beautifully written) - I just wanted a bit more of you & where you came from.

Hello! yes, it was a conscious decision. I really wanted to respect their privacy. But I hope I get across that I love them to bits; maybe it doesn't come across in the book that we're really, really close :(

Helen, I haven't finished the book yet as my copy went astray, but I just wanted to say how much I am enjoying reading it and while I don't have any questions to ask at the moment, it's great reading the answers to those that have been posted by others. Thank you!

Good evening. Just catching up.