For those who went to boarding school what was it like?

[bassue]

Has anyone ever been to a boarding school such as Erin or Harrow? I know Britain was famous for them years ago, but even now there are many and people from around the world want to send their children to them.

For those who went what was it like? Was it worth it? Would you recommend the system at all?

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain through your words. I know this is easy for me to say but please don’t give yourself too hard a time, I’ve got no doubt you made the decisions you did, believing they were the right ones at the time. Sending much love across the ether 💙💙💙

late 70s/early 80s all girls, full boarder. I'd never put my child through it, hopefully its better now.

A lot depends on whether you are a boarder at a boarding school or a day girl/boy.
I was a day girl at a private school with boarding in the 80s.

Please don't say that to your self. NO ONE deserves to lose a child. You, your husband, your son had tremendous ill luck. Ill luck happens.

Yes in the 1980’s. Huge lack of safeguarding! And quite a laissez-faire attitude towards care - very much group care with no thought to how an individual child might be feeling. We had almost no relationships with the adults who were meant to care for us - they were quite distant. We were very close to each other. If you were naughty punishments were generally ones which shamed you in front of the group. I was at an all girls boarding school from year 9. My brothers went at 8 (yr 4) and 7 (yr 3) to all boys schools. I believe because I was the girl it wasn’t so important for me to go away to school!! I can remember being ill and being ‘in the san’ with Sister to look after me. I don’t think my parents even phoned me - there was certainly no talk of coming to get me (it never occurred to me they might). Good things - I’m extremely independent and I can figure a solution to any problem that comes my way. I’m a great compartmentaliser and my poker face is top notch. I still remember turning into school after the holidays and feeling my stomach drop, but I never said anything. Altogether I would not recommend as a way to build a healthy and happy adult.

Much less rare than you would think in the 1980’s. One of my brothers was propositioned during music practice by a master. Remember no DBS checks..

I’m so so sorry for your loss. You have no need to feel guilt, we are all only doing our best for our children with the information we have available. I have no anger or ill feeling towards the decisions my parents made. None of us know what the alternative path would have looked like either. I’m sure your son knew how loved he was and that you made the decision with the very best of intentions.

Boarded in the 90s. Saw my family once every 3 or 4 weeks. When I went "home" for the holidays, I didn't know any other kids so was just the weirdo that went to a posh school. Only about 1% of kids board, so the feeling of being the odd one out is very real).

If you'd asked me 10 years ago I would have said it was fine. Lovely grounds, great facilities etc.

However, since having my kids, I find it incomprehensible that my parents could choose to send me away, and see me only 30% of the year, often with gaps of weeks. Stuff like that can really mess you up. But you suppress your emotions so much and become secretive and detached; I've spent the last few years in therapy trying to process and recover from it. I was bullied there, I was sexually assualted, but you can never speak up - you're surrounded 24/7. Every minute of your time was accounted for. You couldn't cry, go to the toilet or have a bath in peace. If you went a certain place for a walk you were "out of bounds". If you wanted to go and flop on your bed after class - nope - you weren't allowed to, and period pains were "in your head" so you stop trusting your own judgement.

It took me years to understand the emotional damage it did to me personally. I'm within circles for (thousands of) ex-boarders now and sadly there are kids in their teens coming in and sharing their negative experiences.

I'm not writing off those who enjoyed it at all. We're all different.
There are support organisations for those who, often in later life, have come to realise it was a traumatic experience.
Seen & Heard - Support and signposting

@HelloSkeletonFace3
do seen and heard offer support for state boarders too ?

I was at Eton in the 90s and had a chat about what that was like here: https://open.substack.com/pub/petrakhashoggi/p/in-conversation-with-maximilian-hardy?r=7wxlo&utm_medium=ios

Interesting first hand experience of Eton.
The idea that elite public schools prioritize 'connections' over the ability to 'connect' with people from other backgrounds seems like a really valid reason to exclude all former pupils from running for political office ever again!

I also liked the distinction Hardy makes between parents wanting the best for their child (which all decent parents do) and wanting them to get ahead at any cost. I think people need to be more honest with themselves about their motives for sending their children to elite boarding schools - especially when there seems to be a disproportionately high risk of damage to their emotional well-being.

I'm not sure @B0D but worth getting in touch and asking

I went to two full boarding schools in the late 90s/early 00s and even though I was quite bullied in the second one for the first half of term I would say I had a really positive experience overall-it just felt like I could be with my best friends all the time.

It was very clear that there was a history of hierarchy and systemised bullying but that was waning as I arrived and almost non existent by the time I left.

Looking back at it-and speaking about my experience with friends who went to normal schools-it does feel like a different world, so many bizzare rules that were just totally normal at the time.

Even though I wouldn’t be in a position financially to send my kids to one-hypothetically I wouldn’t be opposed to it if they wanted to go. I’m very close with my family and don’t feel like my parents ‘sent me away because they didn’t love me’-as people have assumed in the past.

But interestingly my best friend from school would be completely opposed to it-I always thought she enjoyed it as much as I did.