For those who went to boarding school what was it like?

[bassue]

Has anyone ever been to a boarding school such as Erin or Harrow? I know Britain was famous for them years ago, but even now there are many and people from around the world want to send their children to them.

For those who went what was it like? Was it worth it? Would you recommend the system at all?

6 to 16 for me, weekly. I had a bad situation at home and to be honest being at school was far better for me, in hindsight. My trouble was that no one at the school knew, or tried to find out, what was going on at home. I felt very alone in the junior school and was adjusting to not being a carer for my mum while worrying about her and not being allowed to contact other than weekly letters. I think boarders now have mobiles and email and face time as well as a lot more pastoral awareness. The friends I made there are still like sisters, which as an only I appreciate very much. It certainly made me independent and I learnt to work and study for myself far quicker than the day girls. I don't know if it is anecdotal but the boarders got the highest grades, I assume because we didn't have help with prep and were made to do it!

Even basic things like communication will be so different now.
We had one pay phone in the hall shared between 40 girls and compulsory letter writing weekly.
These days presumably they have some access to their own mobiles, and emails, and video calls.

Furthermore boarding used to almost always mean full boarding with 3-6 weeks between each visit home. These days there is full boarding, weekly boarding, flexi boarding and 'day boarding'.

"We had one pay phone in the hall shared between 40 girls"

Luxury! 😀

I have been back to my school several times to help out with career talks and give a few presentations. The place seems more like a Mark Warner / Neilsons holiday resort these days. It was pretty good when I attended but its another level now.

Ok for more recent ones, two children of a sibling have just left full boarding school this year/last year. Their experience was fine - and probably better than the random selection of odd private day schools they went to before - but I STILL don’t think it’s worth the money. I mean, those two children doing a total of 7 years’ boarding represents around £350,000.

And on the other side - one child I know boarded for ballet school. There doesn’t seem to be an option for the specialist training schools. I’d still say it’s a risk though.

My dh's best man went to Winchester.

He was made to participate in a L4 / yr 7 fight club in a basement somewhere on the grounds.

His older brother went and was molested possibly raped(?) By older sixth form boys.

Depsite that they seem to remember it fondly / recommend it / plan to sent their kids there.

I socialised with a lot of Harrow boys in the early 00s.
They had a lot of disposable income for 16yr olds so most were into coke but broadly seemed a nice bunch and they liked it tbh...

My mum boarded in ireland and bloody loved it except Friday's the dinner was foul.

Depends on the child really...

I went from aged 11-18 in late 80"s / early 90's it was a real mixed bag. Some days I absolutely loved it and other days I just wanted to be at home.

The dislikes for me were having to share a dorm. There were between 4-8 teen girls per dorm until 6th form.

The reality is it is not like an Enid Blyton school story, where everyone is having fun, are great friends always and having midnight feasts. The novelty of sharing a dorm, having very little space of your own or any privacy really soon wears off!

Yes, I had fun with friends at times, but the drama when there was a friendship fall out or if another girl had a crush on another girl that someone else liked was crazy.

Also disliked having timed showers and baths ( 5 and 10 mins ) and only being able to speak with my parents once or twice a week during phone time. This was in the days before mobiles, so everyone around you could hear your conversations Also hated the fact that older girls used to choose a younger girl to be their dogs body, e.g. you'd have to make their bed every day, change their bedding weekly etc. This was seen as being perfectly okay in the name of tradition.

i loved the sporting opportunities, the independence that it taught me, most of my lessons and teachers, the food and exeat weekends.

you also always have to be on. If you were homesick you had just bury those feelings and get on with it, which is so emotionally unhealthy and wrong!

Went in the early 2000s. Absolutely loved it. Superb pastoral care, sports, academics. Friends for life.

I was so happy there. I came from a loving and well adjusted home and in my 40s now still very close to my family.

my own teenagers now board (different school). They are thriving and happy. We speak every day and they come home two weekends a month. I’m so glad we can give them the opportunity to board as it’s so much fun.

The 80s comparisons aren't really relevant anymore because modern boarding is genuinely different. From experience, the first term is where it either clicks or doesn't, and a lot of that comes down to things nobody really prepares parents for like the communication rhythms, what homesickness actually looks like week by week, how house staff work, what the unwritten social rules are. Schools give you a prospectus. They don't give you the stuff that actually matters in September.
I'm actually putting together a short guide for first-time boarding parents on exactly these kinds of things like the practical stuff schools don't prepare you for. If you'd like me to send it to you when it's ready, just reply here and I'll get in touch.

Depsite that they seem to remember it fondly / recommend it / plan to sent their kids there.

This really speaks volumes doesn't it. These traumatised men, survivors of abuse and sexual violence plan to send their own children into this risky environment
I haven't counted but a significant minority on here speal of hating boarding.

Just why would you risk it?

So interesting the number of people on here who hated it. Everyone I know who boarded loved it.

I did from 9 (weekly) and 12 (full boarding). I had an ok time, no big issues, no bullying, I had friends etc. I do still think it has negatively affected me (although I’d never tell my lovely parents who were just doing what they thought was best). It’s hard to explain how tough it is when you are teens supporting teens emotionally, we just aren’t equipped for that in the long term (fine for a residential or ski trip away for example but week on week out it’s hard). Never having that proper downtime as you’re not at home. I strongly believe that unless there’s very inadequate parenting, an institution (no matter how intense or lovely the support staff involved are) isn’t a place to raise children, even older teens. I didnt really realise how much it had affected me till 35 + age and think some people never do realise especially if you had a “good” experience like I did.

Yes full boarding in the 70’s - 80’s.
It was Spartan, there was bullying and teacher abuse. I had an ok time when I was there but it’s hard to say if it was the deciding factor on my life choices. Overall, think it can be a good idea if things at home are worse.

Boarded 7 through to 18 at prestigious school. Loved it and would send my (future) children, if they want to go.

A family member was raped as a young boy in boarding school, by a member of staff. So no, staff don’t always sort it out.

Agree with this. I think I was well into my forties before I realised the impact that boarding school had on me, and I didn’t board for long as my parents didn’t want me boarding.

So why then did they send you both to boarding school?

I went to a state comprehensive but we stayed at Roedean for a geography field trip in the early 1980s and we were appalled by the basic conditions. I remember the bathroom had a long line of baths in there and a rota on the wall for the weekly bath for each girl. I’m sure it is luxurious these days though.

My four eldest kids are boarding or have boarded in Ireland. Sunday night to Friday after school. They have/do love it. Wonderful teachers, fabulous after school activities and as a very rural family they don’t spend their life in the car. Ireland is slightly different - we don’t progress to secondary until 12/13 (mine are 13) and it’s a great transition to third level.
I love them very much and miss them, but consider it an amazing opportunity as do they

I boarded from 1974 to 1978 and loved it! So much so that when my DSister, who was at the same school and drove home each weekend - I chose to stay at school! It was like a great fun sleepover with my friends. In general however, I don’t think boys thrive at boarding school as well as girls.

Some friends in adulthood have compared notes with me. They were at different schools and also had positive experiences - however none of us chose to send our own children to board. We agree that parents of boarders really miss out on knowing not only their child but also their friends.

We send our darling DS to prep school and then on to a boys boarding school. He was sexually abused by a boy who had previously bullied him at prep school almost as soon as he arrived at senior school.

The school is now renowned for its lack of pastoral care ,thanks to mumsnet in particular. He covered it up and I believe in some way he thought that the twisted world he had entered was normal for these institutions.

He told us during his chemotherapy ,he was diagnosed with cancer and we lost him six months later aged 22 .I am tortured with guilt every day because of the decision we made, which is nothing more than I deserve.

I boarded in the late 80’s early 90’s. No abuse or horror stories.

it was a weird experience, but can’t say I’m traumatised by it.

Sadly, any activity which involves children will attract paedophiles.
Fortunately events like this are incredibly rare.

that's true but if the abuser is a priest or scout leader or day school teacher or uncle....the child can return home to safety and people who will listen and have their best interests at heart. If it happens in a residential establishment there is no escape

I am so sorry. You are a victim of horrendous bad luck and absolutely do not deserve any of what you have been through.

I do think teenager-on-teenager sexual exploitation is reasonably common in life, not just in boarding schools, and sadly most kids will keep that to themselves due to the nature of it (in that it’s unlikely to be a violent attack and so there is perhaps an element of the victim feeling like they should sort it out themselves). This doesn’t in any way mean their parents are responsible. Guilt is sometimes just an irrational expression of love + feelings of responsibility. Your guilt does NOT mean you are actually to blame.