Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Boarding school

Connect with fellow parents of boarding school students on our supportive forum. Share experiences, tips, and insights.

Original poster

My mum keeps contacting my son

50 replies

Kelwar · 18/02/2025 08:36

Hi guys. I’m feeling really frustrated and not sure what to do. Very long story (in as much of a nutshell as possible) parents divorced when I was 5.. . Mum got custody of me and dad got my DB. My mum put me in boarding school at 6 years old and I was absolutely distraught. She would send a taxi to pick me up on Friday evenings (she wouldn’t be in it).
Around the same time she met my much older SF who was richer and showed her a great life of decadence but he was/is a heavy drinker and there in started her life of alcohol abuse.
By aged 7/8 my SF was paying my fees for school and they showed little interest in me as a child.
By 10 I was fully boarding.
mum and SF have a toxic relationship fuelled by booze and partying.. they often fought physically and jealousy and mistrust were the main cause of fighting.
My dad remarried and had two more children and I lost contact with him when I was 13.. I adored my dad so this still hurts to this day.. I’m 50 this year.
I spent much of my young life In tears begging my mum to take me out of boarding school and to leave my SF because of his bullying ways. She would use me as some kind of therapist, often talking about her awful relationship but she never left and I stayed in boarding until I was 16.
I left home at 18 and was very poor.. she didn’t want to lend me money for food and would huff and puff if I ever asked for help.
Mum is in poor health now.. due to her lifestyle choices. She’s 70.. SF is 87 and immobile.. they hate one another and their constant sniping at one another to this day is so draining..
I am married with 2 beautiful children of 17 and 11.
Mum and SF have very different political views to myself and mum would often start rows with me about my beliefs.. there was little respect for difference of opinion.
Because of her poor health she was starting to hint that she wanted me to take care of her.. telling me she doesn’t have long on this earth anymore.. and referring to me as her ‘lifeline’
she put me down in front of my children last year and something in me just snapped.
I called her out on her poor behaviour and once again she went into full denial and took no accountability for it. Regarding my boarding school life she told me to ‘get over it’
I can’t.. so I’ve got NC.. I’ve blocked her on everything and started therapy. It’s been 7 months since I last saw her and yes the guilt has been overwhelming at times.. but over all I know I’ve done the right thing.
My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with her but mum has my sons mobile number and has started to message him on a regular basis.. latest one was last night to ask if he and my daughter wanted to meet her for something to eat this week with it being half term.My son has said he’s really busy this week. He’s 17 so I’m leaving the decision to have a relationship with her to him. He has HF autism and I’m getting fed up that she’s targeting him and making him feel uncomfortable with her contact. Although I’ve told him the decision must be his and nothing to do with my situation with her.. I know he feels awkward about the whole thing.
She hasn’t even been a present GM to my children as when they were born she took herself abroad to live for years and I hardly heard from her.
How should I advise my son..?

OP posts:
Spillageremover · 18/02/2025 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spillageremover · 18/02/2025 08:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DaringLion · 18/02/2025 08:43

Block her

Moonlightstars · 18/02/2025 08:49

Ignore @Spillageremover unnecessarily harsh response there's always one that wants to be the first mean responder.
I'm sorry you going through this. Definitely sounds like cutting off your mum was the right thing to do. At this stage I would tell him not to respond if he doesn't want to and if he's finding it annoying he can block her and if he doesn't mind he can just ignore her or reply if he wants. I would also talk about the fact that your mum can be volatile and argumentative and just to talk to you about anything that upsets him.

My kids have a racist grandparent who we have over the years told them to avoid and ignore if they want. They have virtually no relationship of him as I know that when he dies that he will just be referred to as racist grandad.

Redfred00 · 18/02/2025 08:50

It's up to him if he wants a relationship with her or not. He's 17. Tell him it's up to him if he wants contact or not and you will respect his decision. Explain that if he gets fed up with her contacting him then he can block her. Also give him some some stock phases /replies that might help.

Thanks for the invite but I'm busy.
Maybe another time.
That's not convenient

Spillageremover · 18/02/2025 08:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:01

Thanks all.. I’ll give my son some of the tools to respond.
Appreciate it was a it long winded .. just wanted to give some backstory as to why I’ve gone NC..
Thank you all though x

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:05

Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:01

Thanks all.. I’ll give my son some of the tools to respond.
Appreciate it was a it long winded .. just wanted to give some backstory as to why I’ve gone NC..
Thank you all though x

You don't need to justify going NC with your mother to anyone.

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:08

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:05

You don't need to justify going NC with your mother to anyone.

Show quote history

True.. just sometimes on here you get the odd person who can’t help being nasty! Some people don’t understand that it takes a lifetime to make the decision to go NC.. nobody willingly orphans themselves.. but there’s always one or two on MN! x

OP posts:
Lwrenn · 18/02/2025 09:11

Your early life sounds terrible and I’m giving little and bigger @Kelwar a hug. I’m glad you’ve wonderful DC.

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:13

Lwrenn · 18/02/2025 09:11

Your early life sounds terrible and I’m giving little and bigger @Kelwar a hug. I’m glad you’ve wonderful DC.

Aww thank you.. virtual hug gratefully received x

OP posts:
Enough4me · 18/02/2025 09:16

When you said, "He’s 17 so I’m leaving the decision to have a relationship with her to him." I thought great, because you recognise that ultimately he will decide. Be there to support him (and warn him honestly) but keep the dialogue going in a an open curious way, otherwise he'll go off and see her separately without telling you and could be upset after.

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:19

Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:08

True.. just sometimes on here you get the odd person who can’t help being nasty! Some people don’t understand that it takes a lifetime to make the decision to go NC.. nobody willingly orphans themselves.. but there’s always one or two on MN! x

Show quote history

People either fully understand or are never going to get it.
As for your son, just make sure you give him "permission" to ignore or grey rock her if he wants to or if he does want a relationship with her make sure he understands what she is like. It might be best just to go with "she's not a nice person and I worry you will get hurt like I did" rather than go into all the details

SometimesCalmPerson · 18/02/2025 09:22

Does your son understand why you’ve NC? I think I’d have a conversation with him so that he understands your decision completely and then like you say, let him make his own choice knowing that he has your support. He might want to get to know her for himself out of curiosity so be open and as honest as you can. He will do what is right for him.

Ohisitjustme · 18/02/2025 09:22

OP you might get more advice if you move this thread to the Relationships board. It's currently in Boarding school.

Report your op and HQ will move it.

Maddy70 · 18/02/2025 09:27

He's almost an adult so you've done the right thing to allow him freedom to make his own choices. Remind him if the messages get too much he can block or unblock her at any time and he doesn't have to respond if he doesn't want , or can meet her as she wishes if that's what he would like to do

As an aside It's sad you lost contact with your dad are you in contact with your brother? Can any of this be redeemed?

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:28

Enough4me · 18/02/2025 09:16

When you said, "He’s 17 so I’m leaving the decision to have a relationship with her to him." I thought great, because you recognise that ultimately he will decide. Be there to support him (and warn him honestly) but keep the dialogue going in a an open curious way, otherwise he'll go off and see her separately without telling you and could be upset after.

Absolutely.. it’s not my place to tell him who he can and can’t have relationships with.. but you’re right.. he needs to know the basics to avoid hurt. I just don’t trust her motives..

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:31

Maddy70 · 18/02/2025 09:27

He's almost an adult so you've done the right thing to allow him freedom to make his own choices. Remind him if the messages get too much he can block or unblock her at any time and he doesn't have to respond if he doesn't want , or can meet her as she wishes if that's what he would like to do

As an aside It's sad you lost contact with your dad are you in contact with your brother? Can any of this be redeemed?

I have had to go NC with my brother. He and my mother were teaming up despite him disliking her too.. he’s so desperate for her to love him.. but he was her flying monkey as he would often call me moaning/talking about her and I just don’t want to know. He and I were never close growing up as we didn’t live together.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 18/02/2025 09:32

You do need to sit down with your kids and calmly and simply explains why you are NC with your parent.

she is treating them like flying monkeys and to make her feel better about her terrible life choices.

you can say they are allowed to say ‘no thanks’ if they like. Kids can feel obliged to see grandparents even if they really would rather not.

Newgirls · 18/02/2025 09:33

Your brother is trying to be the ‘golden child’ here. He clearly has his own issues. When your mum is no longer around you might be able to be friends with him but yes right now you need to protect your own mental health

Gardendiary · 18/02/2025 09:37

God she sounds dreadful. As a teen with hfa this is probably way out of his comfort zone. I would have an honest chat with him about your experiences as a child and ask if he would like to block her or get a new phone number. I know you’re trying to be even handed and fair but your mother doesn’t play by those rules, you know she will bring nothing positive to his life and it’s okay to protect ds from her

Cornflakes123 · 18/02/2025 09:38

This sounds awful. I don’t blame you for going NC. I think the advice by @Redfred00 has nailed it really. There isn’t much else you can do apart from that.

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:44

Newgirls · 18/02/2025 09:32

You do need to sit down with your kids and calmly and simply explains why you are NC with your parent.

she is treating them like flying monkeys and to make her feel better about her terrible life choices.

you can say they are allowed to say ‘no thanks’ if they like. Kids can feel obliged to see grandparents even if they really would rather not.

This is exactly what I feel she’s doing.. using him to get to me.. because I’ve blocked all her other flying monkeys.. she’s the kind of person who would make herself look really Ill on meeting him just so he reports back to me how ill she is.. she didn’t contact him for 4 months of my going NC and now since Xmas she’s really ramping up the contact.. even asking him for his bank details so she can give him so birthday money.. which is 2 months away!!!

OP posts:
NewHeaven · 18/02/2025 09:45

As your ds has autism, his decision making skills won't be the same as his peers. I would take responsibility hete and block her on his phone. It's not fair for any teenager especially a neurodiverse one to deal with this.

Original poster
Kelwar · 18/02/2025 09:48

NewHeaven · 18/02/2025 09:45

As your ds has autism, his decision making skills won't be the same as his peers. I would take responsibility hete and block her on his phone. It's not fair for any teenager especially a neurodiverse one to deal with this.

That is playing on my mind.. on the one hand he’s grown up and very much his own person.. on the other he is very sensitive and anxiety can be a problem for him.. I don’t want her exacerbating that for him..

OP posts: