My mum keeps contacting my son

[Kelwar]

Hi guys. I’m feeling really frustrated and not sure what to do. Very long story (in as much of a nutshell as possible) parents divorced when I was 5.. . Mum got custody of me and dad got my DB. My mum put me in boarding school at 6 years old and I was absolutely distraught. She would send a taxi to pick me up on Friday evenings (she wouldn’t be in it).
Around the same time she met my much older SF who was richer and showed her a great life of decadence but he was/is a heavy drinker and there in started her life of alcohol abuse.
By aged 7/8 my SF was paying my fees for school and they showed little interest in me as a child.
By 10 I was fully boarding.
mum and SF have a toxic relationship fuelled by booze and partying.. they often fought physically and jealousy and mistrust were the main cause of fighting.
My dad remarried and had two more children and I lost contact with him when I was 13.. I adored my dad so this still hurts to this day.. I’m 50 this year.
I spent much of my young life In tears begging my mum to take me out of boarding school and to leave my SF because of his bullying ways. She would use me as some kind of therapist, often talking about her awful relationship but she never left and I stayed in boarding until I was 16.
I left home at 18 and was very poor.. she didn’t want to lend me money for food and would huff and puff if I ever asked for help.
Mum is in poor health now.. due to her lifestyle choices. She’s 70.. SF is 87 and immobile.. they hate one another and their constant sniping at one another to this day is so draining..
I am married with 2 beautiful children of 17 and 11.
Mum and SF have very different political views to myself and mum would often start rows with me about my beliefs.. there was little respect for difference of opinion.
Because of her poor health she was starting to hint that she wanted me to take care of her.. telling me she doesn’t have long on this earth anymore.. and referring to me as her ‘lifeline’
she put me down in front of my children last year and something in me just snapped.
I called her out on her poor behaviour and once again she went into full denial and took no accountability for it. Regarding my boarding school life she told me to ‘get over it’
I can’t.. so I’ve got NC.. I’ve blocked her on everything and started therapy. It’s been 7 months since I last saw her and yes the guilt has been overwhelming at times.. but over all I know I’ve done the right thing.
My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with her but mum has my sons mobile number and has started to message him on a regular basis.. latest one was last night to ask if he and my daughter wanted to meet her for something to eat this week with it being half term.My son has said he’s really busy this week. He’s 17 so I’m leaving the decision to have a relationship with her to him. He has HF autism and I’m getting fed up that she’s targeting him and making him feel uncomfortable with her contact. Although I’ve told him the decision must be his and nothing to do with my situation with her.. I know he feels awkward about the whole thing.
She hasn’t even been a present GM to my children as when they were born she took herself abroad to live for years and I hardly heard from her.
How should I advise my son..?

Also giving you a massive squeeze💙. My son is 6 next month and the thought of sending him away to boarding school makes me feel sick. Your mother didn’t deserve her kids at all. She sounds like a selfish bitch.
I would block her on your son’s phone. She is taking advantage of him.
Imagine having the audacity of thinking you need to care for her in later life when she couldn’t do the same for you when you were a child.

I would be strongly advising your son that she is doing this for the wrong reasons and its worrying you that he is going to be feeling unsettled or pressured into seeing someone that doesn't have their best interests at heart.
That you know its a lot , but that your mum has gone out of her way to do hurtful things to you and that you don't see her anymore. Tell him that you think it would be best if he didn't get involved with her, but if he did decide to, then you don't want her to know anything about you and your life, because she has done bad things and you know that she has bad intentions here too and will certainly try and interfere

I think that's a lot for a 17 year old with autism to deal with, they can be such terrible people pleasers. I would probably block her.

The one thing i would pick up on is your own brother. It's no wonder he's her flying monkey if she gave him up as a child! Is there no way the two of you can find your way back to a healthy adult relationship? It strikes me you've both been dealt very hard, though very different, hands.

Exactly this.. I don’t trust her one bit.. she has no other way of getting to me apart from through him .. she called him 2 weeks ago.. he didn’t call her back.. last week she asked for his bank details.. which he hasn’t sent.. and now she’s asking to meet this week.. the contact is becoming more frequent because she isn’t controlling the situation and i’m not ok with it..

We have both been dealt a terrible childhood.. we have been close at varying times and I genuinely care about him.. but I don’t want to hear anything about her and I know he will be on the phone the whole time talking about her.. or telling me how ill she is because that’s what she does.. she’s a master manipulator and he falls for not due to desperation to be loved by her.. although I know he doesn’t like her much deep down. It sounds harsh but I just want to concentrate on my husband and children for the foreseeable future as having hour long conversations about my mother with my brother are dementing and still allowing the toxicity into my life.. it riddles me with anxiety having to speak about her with family and I need some peace at the moment.. but she’s still not allowing that by the contact with my son..

As he has Autism I would also be stepping in here. Your sons mental health is the priority and you don’t want your mum using your son as a pawn in any games. Also depending on how his autism effects him, she might be lining him up to look after her as she has indicated to you she wants you to care for her and you’ve gone NC. She might see him as someone to manipulate into caring for her.

Get him a new SIM card.

poisonous people like this don’t belong in your children’s lives.

Oh crikey I hadn’t even thought of that… and he’s the sort of person that would help her as he’s a really sweet sensitive young man.. and she knows it! I’m going to take the dog for a walk and take my son with me and have an honest chat with him about how he really feels..I don’t want him being her carer.. especially as he recently passed his driving test and may be looking for him to ship her about!

I agree with this. She can sense his vulnerability and will use him to her own ends . Being autistic he may not be able to spot the signs of manipulation and take her at face value. I'd definitely recommend an honest discussion with him about what happened in the past and who your mother really is and how she uses people. These kind of women will use any tactic and my fear would be that she would get her claws into him and turn him against you.

You are so right..

I had a narc mother and she manipulated and turned everyone against me until the end . Its a battle against them and you have to be 5 steps ahead of them. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My mother passed away last month and we were nc for over 12 months before that because she was starting to use my toddler to guilt me. They are evil vile creatures

My mother absolutely fits the narcissist profile. Everything about her life has been about her and her happiness. She also hates everyone.. not a nice word to say about anyone which has resulted in her losing all her friends over the years. She’s lonely now I know that.. but she’s made her bed.
I know my name is mud amongst my family.. her sister used to tell me when I was young that my mum couldn’t care less about me.. but after this recent fall out my aunt called me to speak about my menopause as my mother had obviously blamed that on my recent NC.. if anything my being a mum and menopause have been very enlightening.. and I’m not longer prepared to be a people pleaser.. I blocked my aunt after that call as I realised she was mums flying monkey too..
Sorry you had a tough time too. Can I ask:. How did you feel when your mum passed away? Did you go to her funeral?
I guess the end for my mum (so she’s lead me to believe) is close.. and I worry about how it will affect us all.. not because I want her in my life.. but more missing a mum I never had

It will doubtless be hard for you when your Mum dies, but I 'got over' the death of mine fairly quickly. I had a narc mother, too, alhtough not nearly as bad as yours. Sending you flowers

Totally understand that. I'm so sorry you had such a shitty upbringing. It makes the people we are though and it looks like your parenting your children well and with respect

She died quite suddenly so that was a bit of a shock but I was never sad or anything. I think I'd mourned her and our relationship (or lack there of ) a long time ago. I'm irish so the funeral was held within 3 days and I didn't go , there was nothing for me there only hassle from my golden child sibling . I've always missed the mother I never had and I think I always will but had my actual mother lived to 100 or 1000 years old she was never going to be the mother I needed , she couldn't be , it wasn't something that was in her. Instead I'm my own mother now , realistically I've always been my own mother but now I'm not waiting for someone else

Sounds like you have really good sense on all this OP. Well done for wanting to protect your kids and your own peace

Same with my mother, I hoped she’d change when she became a grandmother.. but she didn’t.. sadly.. so I parent myself too.. I’m learning all the time about self care and I too have mourned a mum I never got.. it’s hard though isn’t it? I wish my childhood had been good.. and that I didn’t have to live with shitty memories and a childhood of tears.. but I can control the memories I make now.. we all can.. and getting rid of toxicity helps massively x

You might advise him to set a boundary with her, like only can speak on X day. Or can only text.
This has help my HF ND child cope with a relative who is ND and calls too much.

Thanks for all your lovely responses.. you are a wise kind bunch. So i had a lovely walk with my son and we had a good chat about the situation. I’ve explained why I’ve gone NC in a little more detail and have told him to proceed with any relationship with her with the knowledge that she has never done anything to suit anyone else .. just herself and that given his amazing kindness I don’t want him to be manipulated in any way. He understands and has said he will keep the lines of communication open with her for now, but should she turn nasty or start really ramping up the communication where it becomes unmanageable or increases feelings of anxiety he will block her with my blessing. It’ll have to be a wait and see situation at the moment and he will let me know about any communication she makes. Thanks again. Love to you all x

My sons both have autism and I would not hesitate for one second to take their phones and block such kind of person.
She does not deserve a chance to hurt your children.

Sounds good op and you are showing you trust him. Would be easier to ‘take control’ and block her but I think that might make you seem the unreasonable one. Let it all sink in for him and as you say wait and see

Tell your son that you will absolutely support him if he blocks her. Tell him specifically that will be ok.

Emphasise that he owes her nothing, that she is looking for attention, and that he is under no family obligation whatsoever.

I found my childhood really started to affect me once I had a child myself, that sadness for the child in me was very overwhelming but i see a therapist who specialises in people who experienced childhood abuse and trauma and it's really helped , I'd reccomend it 100% . It's helped me let go of the anger that was masking the sadness . Walking away from the toxic family system definitely helped me too , you free yourself from that cycle of abuse x

That does sound shit! Strangely enough my friend (70’s) was telling me today about being shipped off to boarding school at a similar age and opting to stay there during the school summer holidays as she preferred it to living at home with her awful mother and father.

I also have an Autistic teen and in your shoes, I’d definitely block your mother from his phone. SHE doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with him, frankly.

Both sets of parents are dead in my case so my teen doesn’t have any grandparents, but I really don’t think it matters that much as the role of grandparent is often overrated.

I honestly think you need to protect your son from having a relationship with your mother. She’s already trying to manipulate him by using her money and it will only get worse if he accepts anything at this stage. Don’t give her that opportunity to get her claws into him.

Absolutely.. and I’ve told him that although I’m sure he’d love that £50 for his 18th it would mean that she would expect more contact with him and if he didn’t he’s probably be bad mouthed around the family as someone who’s happy to take her money but not see her.. no chance will I let her have that hold over him.. I’d rather give him the money myself! He won’t send her his bank details and of she asks for them again he’s just going to tell her ‘a card is fine’… if I had my way I’d block her from his life but at the age he is that could come back to bite me in the backside.. I trust he will keep me updated with any further messages from her.. hoping she will get the message at some stage.. but sadly, she doesn’t work like that! The more control she loses, the abuse starts.. if she were ever abusive to him directly I would give it to her all barrels.. but I’m hoping she wouldn’t stoop that low!