Would you let your son meet a boy who racially abused him?

[BWJA921]

My 15 year old son was subject to racist abuse from another boy at his school for a year. We followed procedure, school were involved, the boy apologised half-heartedly and for the last 6 months 6 months we have heard no more about it.

Yesterday, my son said he'd planned to meet up with racist boy to complete a school media project which would require them to go to the woods / secluded areas to film. My son instigated this.

I have spoken to my son and explained that racism cannot be forgotten, and told him I was not comfortable with his meeting this boy. There were lots of tears. I asked him to consider if deep down he could ever see this boy as a person he can trust.

My son has since cancelled the meet up but I'm feeling guilty. My son hasnt got many friends and hes trying to expand his friendship group but I worry that he is picking wrong uns.

Please be gentle, I am feeling very raw. But what would you have done?

That sounds really tricky, OP. I'm so sorry that your son has been bullied, and for such an extra shitty reason.

I don't think I can jude really on the basis of the information you give. Here are some of the questions I have:

Is there a difference in strength between the boys? It sounds like you worry your son could come to grief, be physically attcked in a secluded area. Whether that fear is realistic depends very much on the comparison between the two boys.

Has your son explained to you why he has chosen to befriend this kid specifically? What do you make of the reasons he gives?

Why did this bring your 15 year old son to tears? Is he this desperate for friends?

Did you effectively prohibit the meeting, or just strongly advise against (bit of a grey area there, especialy at 15)?

Tbh I'd feel like a lot depends on the other boy's motivation. Did he pick on your son because he is (forgive the phrase) a 'committed racist' and his actions were the function of his worldview, or is/was he a mixed-up kid who had an urge to victimize someone and 'race' became a way to do that?

In the second case, I can see how the boys could perhaps feel their way towards each other. In the first case, no way unless there is an extensive and fulsome apologie, a conversion of sorts.

But really the most important questin now is how your son moves forward. What would be a better way to expand his circle? Can he practice self-sufficiency? Coping with rejection?

I'm Sorry OP I'm not sure this is any good to you. whatever you do, just be there for him.

I'm very sorry for what your son went though, it sounds like a truly horrible experience.

I agree with the PP that more context is needed really about the motivation for and dynamics of this meet up. But my gut reaction is that by prohibiting it, you are possibly denying your son the opportunity to assert good boundaries and perhaps change the narrative past narrative of victim to one where he feels confident and in control.

But if you think he is still going to be vulnerable in relation to this boy then I can absolutely see why you would want to do anything to protect him from being sucked into what could be a renewal of the racist bullying. It's difficult.

You did the right thing. We are not their friends we are their parents and doing it right is sometimes hard - you had to take a call for him that he will be grateful for in the long run but right now he just sees possible friendships but you know that these are not safe people or the type of friends he needs. Well done on holding firm for him even if he can’t see right now that was the right thing to do - he will one day and he will thank you x

Thank you @twocornichons my immediate thought is that the racist abuse inflicted by this boy over 1 year can not be undone. He will live with this for the rest of his life. Having experienced racism myself I know that those words can cut deep. I didnt tell him not to see the boy, I asked him if he would be happy to start a friendship with this boy who previously caused a lot of pain.

Don’t feel guilty, you did the right thing encouraging him to cancel. A 16yo boy who has dished out a year of racist abuse sounds dangerous and unhinged. All I can think is that he was brought up by someone racist, but even if that were the case, everyone knows that racism is unacceptable and everyone also knows that bullying is unacceptable.

I’d be unhappy with the school for letting this joint assignment thing happen, given what’s gone on

Absolutely not, I wouldn’t allow my son to meet up with the boy. You did the right thing. Sometimes as a race we can be too forgiving in circumstances that don’t require it to our detriment. Other races control/ orchestrate their children’s friendships more than we realise, I know that for a fact.
So, you follow your motherly instincts good for you. Your son will find the right friends in due time.

You did the right thing. Your ds cannot trust that other boy, and I would have been very worried about them meeting up in an isolated place.

You’ve done the right thing, my son was racially bullied by a boy 5 years ago, he has lovely friends now, but I know he’s never forgotten it and it still affects him, they were friends for years before.

You were absolutely right. Your son cannot trust this boy, and he should have higher standards for potential friends.

You definitely did the right thing. Going into a secluded place with someone who is known to not be a nice person. No way. Well done op

Thank you @countrylifeorcitylife @IButtleSir @lunar1 @MissyB1 @DM29 @qamvbm @. My gut was telling me not to trust this situation. I have to trust that my son will make other friends who are true friends.

I am angry that my son has to navigate this situation at this young age. Dealing with racism and seeing the ugliness of people's minds. My son knows deep down that he couldnt trust this boy but he is disappointed that a new friendship isnt on the horizon.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, my sons are mixed white/indian, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for how young and hard racism hits.

I did a lot of reading, I talked to a lot of people but I still wasn’t prepared. My eldest is 17 now, and I’ll never forget after the first few months at school, a Black mum said to me when we went for lunch, she hopes our sons stayed friends, they would need each other.

thank god they did stay friends, because it’s not the white kids that speak up when racism happens, those two, and our whole families will be friends for life at this point.

You have done the right thing. Your son will be sad now, but it is your job to protect him and help him make sensible choices.
It's better to be alone, than to be badly accompanied.

Better safe than sorry is a wise position to take, and in the woods is also not where you go to test if a character has been reformed. Racism is an ugly and violent thing, and I wouldn't trust that boy as far as I can throw him, so him and his half-hearted apology would be kept at a distance.

I'm really sorry your son has to deal with this. It's heartbreaking when our children have to be subjected to the nastiness of horrible, hateful people. Keep supporting him and helping him build his esteem, until he finds his right friends.

@BWJA921
I'm not the sort to forget or forgive and
I'm glad you told him no
Because I wouldn't trust this boy either ever
Perhaps after the constant verbal battering from this boy he may think he's "lesser" and that in turn affects his so-called friends selection instinct
Willing to bet the boy instigated the first move too
When I first read your message I thought why the woods?
Honestly you saved him from god knows what there
He will eventually make real friends
I feel the bully may have had even had a hand in others not being friendly
Believe me some kids are born vicious and always several steps ahead when it comes to manipulation as I witnessed at my own children's school; the "white english" being the worse followed by white passing eastern european types who really should've turned up for school not in the school uniform but that of the Hitler youth
Racists don't ever change
They can't help their instincts
And at this moment on the world's stage
It's all theirs.

Absolutely not. And I would question why my son would even have wanted to do this.

You are right. A year, a whole year of abuse is not an isolated incident. It's not a wee miswording. It seems it took place aged 14 or 15. That's not just off the tit, it's not adult but it's old enough to know it's not acceptable.
What does the school say? The cynic in me says they would be over the moon with the idea of "eboneee and ivoreee" and if it goes horribly wrong. Oops.
I wish your son good fortune for his future.

Your message to your son is if someone abuses you be it verbally or physically then that’s totally unacceptable and you should steer clear of them.

What would worry me about this:situation, is the other boy might arrive at the secluded filming destination along with some of his mates…
You did the right thing.

A whole year? That shows some kind of commitment, whether to racist ideas or old fashioned "being a bully and working out what yanks the victim's chain".

Yes, this boy has a pretty awful character. My son has tried a new sport today and that has really boosted his confidence so I am hoping he will be able to make true friends out of school. Thank you everyone for your advice.

In a similar situation, the kids became really good friends, and the girl, who is now a mother, seems to be a good person and is friends with all of our family. People can change.

@BWJA921
At last some lovely positive going in the right direction news about this awful situation that we will never quite forget as it taught us all an important lesson
I wish your Son well in whatever he does and may he also prosper into something truly wonderful
Black children have never had it easy and from an early age have truly to navigate life according to others assumptions and biases
So I say well done @BWJA921
You both have done brilliant

No I wouldn't. We operate a zero tolerance to racists and racism in our house.

@drspouse
It's nothing to quaintly do with "working out what yanks a victims chain"
And everything to do with the victims colour.
The only reason he stopped for that year was because he wasn't sure of what the outcome was going to be for himself if he kept on and then he decided enough dust had settled
So hed get away with it when he asked the lad to meet him in the woods as he'd fooled everyone??
It was to possibly half, if not fully murder him after having suppressed it unnaturally for that whole year I feel myself.
I assume you're a woman
Let's say you've an abusive violent coercive partner who when you go to the police it makes him cool his heels for a whole year
Then he asks to see you again in that park where you first met......
Are you going to go thinking he's suddenly seen the light of his wrongdoings?
Or stupidly walk into the trap of a bloody good hiding followed by your possible death?
Your choice baby
But I live in the real world
If you ARE black and genuinely think the way you've written whilst existing and living in the UK
You are indeed a hens tooth

Absolutely! I could watch him be fully exorcised and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. It's just not worth it, and I'm not teaching my child that he has to be accepting of anyone who's hurt them; regardless of how 'changed' they may be.