I'm not black 'enough'

[Isthisexpected]

I am mixed race and skin tone is on the light side. Does anyone else understand this? If I'm in a group of white colleagues the way the riots are discussed is so different to if someone who is darker black is present, so like I'm being treated as one of this group but it doesn't fit with my identity. People talking about how difficult it must be and we must check in with colleagues etc and no recognition they're talking about me too. But then if I'm in a group of black colleagues talking about how scared they are it's almost like I'm not black enough to be seen as one of this group either and that I needed worry as I'm not dark.

I've never really put my finger on it as clearly as this but I think I've fallen between these two racial identity groups my whole life.

Especially when mixed race Black people say but white people say racist things in front of me because they don't see me as Black that is an issue of colourism and the proximity to whiteness playing out

That’s not an example of colourism, that’s straight up racism. White proper aren’t saying racist things in front of mixed people because they think we’re “not like the full blacks”, they’re saying it because they don’t realise we’re black at all. Colourism is about light skinned black people being awarded privileges due to their proximity to whiteness. White people accidentally showing their racist arses around us because they haven’t noticed our blackness is far from a privilege.

As I said, colourism is an important conversation on its own. Give it the space it deserves, just like the conversation we were having deserves its own space.

I am single mum of 2 boys. I met a guy nearly a year ago at a christening. He acted all nice and took my number in the name of helping me get my boys on a football team. I fell for that sort if kindness. After about 2 months we started going out and he started coming into my home. He is divorced and also has 2 kids a boy and a girl who live with their mum elsewhere but come over for vacation. We had a good time with his kids and mine during last year's Christmas. In between times he'd offer to take care of my kids when I did night shifts and his kids were around in his home. I gave him a spare key so in my absence if my kids needed anything, it'll be easier to get. He started sneaking into my house when I was asleep and I always either felt someone coming in or felt someone sleeping by me. I cautioned him to stop but it only got worse. (Red flag). He is unnecessarily clingy and I hate that.
He'd ask about a lady in my workplace and said she's his friend. The lady also during one of our breaks mentioned to me casually that one friend of hers is coming to visit her over the weekend and she mentioned his name but I didn't react. (Red flag). He was dating both of us. Now I left the relationship and they are seen everywhere in less than a month. The lady is giving me attitude at work but I'm acting all matured. There are pictures from the previous year of them on holiday in the Carribean. I changed all my locks to the house. I just saw testerday that i still have his spare key and bookers card. How do i get it to him? And how do i het him off my costco account? I feel used, devastated and cheated.

Hello sorry to read you're having such a rough time. You can start your own thread in the relationships board and people will help you. https://www.mumsnet.com/i/getting-started

I know when white people talk about black people in front of me (not necessarily saying anything negative but in an "other" sense) it really hits home that whilst my identity as mixed really involves a lot of black cultural identity, that part of me just evaporates when I leave the house. It's like being a fraud somehow or feeling that I have no outwardly home because my skin betrays me.

Just popping in to add something that may or may not be useful. I respect that this is BMN, so you may be looking for responses from black or mixed race posters specifically - if so, ignore me! I’m a white parent of mixed race young adults & teens.

My DD has a joke (but not joking!) thing she says off the back of the book of a similar name: ‘Why I’m No Longer Talking To White OR Black People About Being Mixed Race’.

She coined it when she realised gradually in her teens that the only people who really get the specific issues around being mixed race are other mixed race people. She has a tight friendship group of two black, three mixed and two white young women. They seem to have really interesting and frank and nuanced conversations about race, but it’s the mixed girls who she feels ‘get’ her specific issues (as I’m sure the black girls are only able to ‘get’ their issues).there are crossover issues that affect the black and mixed girls, and to some extent, the white and mixed girls. But there is something about having others with very similar experiences to talk to that make you feel less isolated I guess.

People have a strong need to connect with others ‘like’ them and it sounds like you’ve missed out on that.

Yeah the "fraud" feeling I relate to 100%

@HKBBC I noticed my DD's mixed ethnicity cousins have moved to larger cities as young adults.

There as with my DD we particularly chose where we live, her childcare and now school with demographics in mind. So there are lots of mixed children. Though I know not all the schools are like hers as some of the kids from childcare still want to meet up with her and they are all mixed ethnicity. Even little kids know when someone looks similar to them even if their ethnicities are different.

I'm very happy to have comments and perspectives from the mums of mixed race children.

There are so many commonalities of our experiences as mixed. The awful behaviour of the people in August, in particular watching a video of them stopping people in cars and asking "are you white?" really set me off thinking about how others see me. That and the conversations at work and in my friendship groups were so so different depending on who saw me as what.

This thread is helping me to clarify what I have known on some level my whole life. And it's wonderful to read that so many of you get it.