Can I ask?

[andallyourevergonnabeismean]

Hi I'm a white woman. Please let me know if I shouldn't post here but I wondered if I could get some advice.

I recently went for a meal with dd and her friend. Both girls mid twenties, I'm in my fifties. Dds friend is black. I was discussing Grey's anatomy with dd friend (we are both fans) I mentioned I had been less impressed with the last few seasons. Dd said "yes mum doesn't like some of the storylines around Black Lives Matter.'

Firstly this is incorrect, I've said previously I found greys anatomy to be more political these days and have said it sometimes goes past educating/entertaining and more into preaching.

Secondly I then had to correct dd and explain myself. Which I felt very awkward doing. It was my first time meeting dd friend and I was conscious she may feel uncomfortable.

Dd said I shouldn't feel awkward discussing BLM with black people. But I feel a black person shouldn't be put in the position of having to have the conversation.It should be their choice.

Can anyone help with his debate?

I'm not sure i follow really. What would be the point of only discussing BLM with white people?

Oh no it's definitely something to be discussed with anyone. I guess I mean I didn't think her friend should feel obligated to discuss it at lunch. Plus I questioned if her friend would want to talk about it with me as she doesn't know me.

I guess I'm conscious of not wanting to be telling a black person about BLM. I'd be open to discussing it but I don't feel comfortable leading the conversation.

I guess it depends on what the issue is? What has been happening with BLM on the show that you disagree with?

Nothing that's why I was annoyed my dd said it.

What I said previously to dd was that I felt for a time the show had become quite political- BLM, trans rights, women's rights, abortion. Lots of topics nothing specific more an observation of the show in general.

I wouldn't be upset or offended, your dd sounds to be very open and up front.

Thank you . Perhaps it's me making it awkward

I think you were embarrassed at the implication from your DD that you're racist, which is probably what she meant to achieve. Bit cruel of her to subject her friend to that awkwardness though.

This.

Do you think? I assumed she was trying to show me as being out of touch but I agree it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I just hope her friend didn't feel uncomfortable. When I questioned dd as to whether she made her friend feet uncomfortable she said I was over thinking it.

Did you ask your daughter why she said that in the first place? If I was the friend, I would find it uncomfortable. I would, however have listened to your response, to gauge how you felt.

Dd basically said if I felt uncomfortable that's about me and brushed off my concerns for her friend.
Her friend didn't really respond, I said to my dd "I've never said that " and went on to explain that I felt greys had become more political generally. The friend (who's very quiet) didn't really respond. Dd then went on to say "mums even read Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race" To which I said "I have, it was very interesting " and then the subject changed.

I just felt dd put her friend in an uncomfortable position.

Unfortunately no one can answer with a definitive answer as to how the friend felt. I would have found that exchange a tad uncomfortable, depending on how you followed up, but the friend may have been interested in hearing how you answered, and may have felt fine about the exchange. Your feelings seem to be more about how the friend was left feeling. I would assume that your daughter would be in more of a position to know.

That's true. Thank you.

Crikey your dd needs to get a filter! What is going on with her social skills?

@MissyB1 I got the impression she was trying to make me out to be some out of touch person.

I don't know if she genuinely didn't mean to offend or if it was a poor social interaction or a deliberate dig at me.

Could be any of the above, either way I would have had a serious word with her about it. And she doesn't get to be dismissive about that kind of behaviour.

Your dd succeeded in making both you and her friend uncomfortable.

At your first meeting, this seems like quite an odd thing for her to have done.

Your daughter is a shit-stirrer 💩🥄

Really helpful

Op does your daughter feel that she has been able to talk to you about her lived experiences, and that you have been supportive in how you reacted. You do not have to answer, but it may be that you may be viewing some things, from different perspectives, and understanding, which is normal, but could lead to an underlying frustration.

It was meant to be light hearted, sorry - but I do think it's true as well! The OP's dd has used her friend to embarrass her mother, with no regard for her friend's feelings. I'd be really cross if she were my daughter.

Apologies if my flippancy has upset people, genuinely.

Ok, and that is why I was questioning in my earlier post, if the daughter felt supported in general, when it came to her experiences regarding her race. The OP will be learning about things, that would not have even occurred to her before, most likely.

The daughter is white isn't she? What lived experience does she need help with?

That is a good question @Josette77 . To be honest I just assumed that the daughter is mixed race. If that is not so, then please disregard my last post OP.

Yes to clarify myself and my dd are white. Dds friend is black.

If dd was a person of colour I wouldn't have questioned it.