Mixed race child, the north west.

[freshstartfor2024]

Just to start, I'm a white single mum with a mixed race daughter, who has none of her dad's family in her life whatsoever. They are in America and never call or send presents, or ask after her. I hope you all don't mind me asking here, but you would have the most experienced knowledge to guide me.

We live in a predominantly white suburb of a small city which probably does have about 5-10 percent BAME population. Less than an hour from London but I have anxiety over visiting London as I grew up there and suffered a lot of trauma and was growing up there during the tube bombings.

At the moment, DD (4) sees herself as white and was a bit shocked to see herself tan so much after last summer. Her melanin has also definitely come in over the last year and she's noticed herself change. Her hair is fine and slightly wavy, so people usually label her as Spanish or Mexican. (I always correct them). However, she has started to notice in school photos that her skin is darker than everyone else's and she's been upset about it a couple of times. I've shown her photos on the internet of her half siblings in America to show her there are other girls just like her, related to her, who she can maybe meet when she's grown up, and shown her photos of mixed race girls on the internet and commented on how beautiful they are. She understands she had a black father when she was born and that's why her skin is darker than mummy's. There are about 4-5 other children in her class who are either mixed race, black or asian, so she's not the only one, but is still a very small minority.

However, I'm looking at moving for my own mental health to a different part of the country which has more amenities, as I can't find what I need down here. Closer to friends and a sibling of mine. The town is very white and I feel she would be the only white child in her class at school. I'm struggling to know if this would be okay for her as she gets older. It's hard to find more diverse areas which aren't in a built up area. It's 20 minutes drive from Manchester though and about an hour from Sheffield, so I could make a big effort to visit those cities a lot with her. I don't drive at the moment, but hopefully would by the time she's older. But I've heard the North West can be very racist? I do feel it's quite racist down here, but in a more covert way. Slight comments and questions sometimes, and I've seen people coo over my white friend's babies and ignore mine, sitting right next to them, when she was younger. I'm worried the North West would be more openly hateful and racist.

Any advice would be amazing.

And one more thing - I used to live in a diverse area of Liverpool not far from Toxteth which is where the heart of the black community is there.

I faced racist abuse within my first few months of living there and struggled to find even casual unskilled work and was told by a black local it was a racial thing as historically black people in Liverpool struggled to find jobs within the city centre.

I used to do agency work in schools and most kids were great although looked a bit surprised to see me initially, but strangely enough I was racially abused by a mixed race kid in one school.

Not excusing it but I assumed he had also suffered racial abuse in his young life which led to him lashing out at me .

But anyway my point is I’m not sure if cities are always better.

The more I read from white mums with mixed race (Black Dad) DC on BMN, especially if the Dad is absent, the more it's made clear why so many mixed race individuals have a distrust/dislike/fear of Black people.

It's interesting that the only comment which unequivocally said it's fine to move to a less diverse area came from a man. My thoughts on that are that Black and mixed men have very different experiences to women from a similar background, which is rooted in the patriarchal society we live in.

I really hope OP and others similar to her can utilise these types of threads to reflect on how best they can support their mixed race DC in the absence of the Black Dad. While I agree the onus should be on him to teach the DC about his side of the family and their heritage, unfortunately with him being absent, you have to step up, become as conscious as you can, and fill in the gaps.

Hi OP,
It sounds like you're doing a great job of parenting. My advice is that first and foremost, move to an area you like and in which you will feel comfortable. You mention your sister lives where you would like to move to. That's great because you have family support.

Secondly, please remember that also non-white people can be racist and mean and unkind.

Thirdly, in raising a child, what matters are the honest answers you give to the questions they pose to you. My child is mixed race. We have had questions from why I'm my colour and the other parent a different colour. Also questions to how their skin tone has changed over time, how the hair has different textures and doesn't look anything like mine or the other parent's. Now, these questions have come despite us living in a very multicultural city.

As long as your immediate family is supportive and loving towards your daughter, she will be fine.

Your daughter is only 4. You need to teach her kids do get confused OP. I'm 3/4 and DS still refers to me as "a bit different to him skin tone wise" there's really not that much difference between us both. He firmly knows my mother is mixed race and he hasn't really ever met my own father so this is where he got confused. Buy some books from Diverse books for kids.

The moving area is tricky I don't live in Manchester but it is mixed in some parts just like any other city. I quite like Manchester.

@freshstartfor2024 hi! I know this is an old thread but it was recommended for me.
I'm white in the North West (merseyside) and have mixed race family members and my children have lots of black/Asian friends. Its definitely more diverse than it was even 10 years ago which is good. 20 years ago I'd have said steer clear but I'm seeing more positivity surrounding having more diverse communities.
I can only speak from the experiences family and pals have had Mersey/cheshire ways, I don't personally know anyone who tolerates racism but that doesn't mean that it's free of racist dickheads, I'm just selective who I spend time with. I'm sure they're around, lurking with their stupid opinions.
The schools around here are quite diverse and I've never known race to play a factor in kids making friends. My dc all have diverse social groups and my mixed race nephews are both incredibly popular.

I hope your lovely wee girl never experiences racism, well I hope nobody ever experiences it. And if you moved hope you're settled. My nephews father isn't around any longer so SiL takes the lads to black hairdressers so they can spend time with black men and they're terrific with the boys, often they suggest things she'd have not thought about, so there are lovely pockets of community in the North West for mixed kids and with luck things only get nicer x

Educated black men with good incomes generally don't hesitate to move to less diverse areas. It's also reflected in how more black men marry outside their race in comparison to black women who will stay single even for decades giving audience only to black men even when they see that these men have widened their pool to include other races.