Mixed race child, the north west.

[freshstartfor2024]

Just to start, I'm a white single mum with a mixed race daughter, who has none of her dad's family in her life whatsoever. They are in America and never call or send presents, or ask after her. I hope you all don't mind me asking here, but you would have the most experienced knowledge to guide me.

We live in a predominantly white suburb of a small city which probably does have about 5-10 percent BAME population. Less than an hour from London but I have anxiety over visiting London as I grew up there and suffered a lot of trauma and was growing up there during the tube bombings.

At the moment, DD (4) sees herself as white and was a bit shocked to see herself tan so much after last summer. Her melanin has also definitely come in over the last year and she's noticed herself change. Her hair is fine and slightly wavy, so people usually label her as Spanish or Mexican. (I always correct them). However, she has started to notice in school photos that her skin is darker than everyone else's and she's been upset about it a couple of times. I've shown her photos on the internet of her half siblings in America to show her there are other girls just like her, related to her, who she can maybe meet when she's grown up, and shown her photos of mixed race girls on the internet and commented on how beautiful they are. She understands she had a black father when she was born and that's why her skin is darker than mummy's. There are about 4-5 other children in her class who are either mixed race, black or asian, so she's not the only one, but is still a very small minority.

However, I'm looking at moving for my own mental health to a different part of the country which has more amenities, as I can't find what I need down here. Closer to friends and a sibling of mine. The town is very white and I feel she would be the only white child in her class at school. I'm struggling to know if this would be okay for her as she gets older. It's hard to find more diverse areas which aren't in a built up area. It's 20 minutes drive from Manchester though and about an hour from Sheffield, so I could make a big effort to visit those cities a lot with her. I don't drive at the moment, but hopefully would by the time she's older. But I've heard the North West can be very racist? I do feel it's quite racist down here, but in a more covert way. Slight comments and questions sometimes, and I've seen people coo over my white friend's babies and ignore mine, sitting right next to them, when she was younger. I'm worried the North West would be more openly hateful and racist.

Any advice would be amazing.

I don't know about the NW OP, just wanted to say well done taking care of your daughter so well and being mindful of the other half of her heritage even though her dad isn't living up to his responsibilities in any way.
Just let your daughter know you love her and you're doing your best.
Find her books to read, wholesome movies showing mixed race and African people too.

There're books in the lists below that can help her see other cultures. You can request them from your library etc.

Also, try to make friends with mixed race families. Churches in diverse areas can also be helpful in terms of culture.

Children's Picture Books: Stories set in Nigeria | Diverse BookFinder

Nigerian Children's Books – Our Ancestories (our-ancestories.com)

Ah brilliant, thank you, that's so kind of you to say so.

I never thought to look for these kinds of books at the library, I will do, and I'll look for some mixed race ones too!

I am mixed race.

No I definitely wouldn't move somewhere even less diverse, in fact move somewhere even more diverse. I would make this a priority alongside whatever else you need from a new area.

You sound like an extremely sensitive and caring mother OP. I'm sorry to hear your daughter's having these feelings. I hope she'll learn to love who she is.
I'm afraid I don't know how racist the north West is. I would imagine the larger cities wouldnt be too bad. My children are mixed race - white/Indian and definitely look more Indian than white. We live in Leeds in an area with a high percentage of BMEs. For example at my daughter's high school around 60% of pupils are BME so white people are the actual minority. I do think this has helped my children not to have negative thoughts about their skin colour. They see it as pretty normal. As far as I know they've not suffered any severe racism yet. Of course, I realise they've probably been subjected to negative thoughts and perceptions by people but as far as I know, no one has been overtly racist to them. Most people they know are brown skinned anyway! We've always spoken very openly about race, explaining that people whose ancestors come from hotter countries have dark skin to protect them from the sun.
I think the hardest thing was explaining racism to them. Until about the age of 8 or 9 they seemed blissfully unaware that racism existed. Then they watched the Rosa Parks song on horrible histories and I had to explain to them why a little black girl was expected to give up her seat for a white person. I could see their minds being blown at the concept that white people should be treated better than black people. The idea that some people thought like this had never occurred to them. I now wish I'd explained racism to them earlier so if you can get books on the subject I think that would be very helpful.
I do think living in diverse areas can really help but obviously this depends on how practical such a move is for you.

You feel the place you currently live in is covertly racist so your proposed solution to that is to move to an even less diverse place with your mixed race DD???

No, I categorically would not advise you to do that, in fact I suggest you move somewhere more diverse. Black and brown people don't have the luxury of assimilating without question wherever they go, you do.

At what point did I say I was moving as a solution to a race issue? I'm moving because of a completely different issue.

I don't know how you assume it's so easy for someone to just fit in somewhere just because they're white and the majority of people in the area have the same colour skin as them. White people don't just walk up to another white person and suddenly we are friends with them. I've already said it's hard to find diverse areas unless it's a built up area. Me and my daughter would both struggle in a busy city due to sensory issues. There's more to a person than just the skin colour, there's a whole myriad of issues which need to be considered- the race part is one of them, yes, which is what i'm considering here, but there's more to my child than just her skin, and a big city wouldn't work for her.

You're wrong also- I grew up in a diverse area and I was constantly bullied and not allowed to be a part of my peer group due to being white. I don't have that luxury, wherever I go, and I've lived in a lot of diverse areas, and other countries, as well as white areas here and never been accepted in all of them. I've only been truly accepted and told I belonged in one place and that was in the middle east. It's a delicate issue and it's not as clear cut as you seem to think it is.

You asked for advice, I gave it 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️

Maybe I wasn't clear, but the only advice I was looking for, was if the north west was very racist or not. Lived experiences of the area. Hence why it says North West in the title- to attract those with experiences of the area.

I would not move to the North West no.

And her race should be a main factor in deciding where to move.

People can struggle to fit in for a range of reasons you're right. But white privilege means your race is not making it harder.

For your daughter it will be. It always will be unless she grows up in a diverse area.

Of course there is more to her than her race. But the point sadly, is that THE WORLD ONLY see our race, first and foremost. This is what you don't need to deal with and she will. She always will.

Please make this a priority. At her young age she is already experiencing the emotional impact of being brown in a predominantly white mans world. As a mixed race girl I know this road too well. It can really mess with your sense of identity. Even more so if she isn't connected to her roots through her father. It's even more important to connect her with her roots and teach her/show her things and allow her to be around diversity to feel some sort of connection. It's hard to understand unless you've experienced it but it's really quite upsetting. I remember as a child noticing I was the only non white person in my class. The micro aggressions, the outright racism, the touching of my hair. The surprise on peoples faces when they see my mum is white with blond hair! Still happens to this day! And my partner is white and my daughter is very white passing. It's something that will come into her life every single day. So yes please priority a diverse area for her. It's so so important.

Not fitting in places as a white person with other white people is very different op. It's not the same at all and only demonstrates that you don't really get it.
I grew up mixed race in a white school and absolutely hated it. Please make it a priority to live somewhere she feels comfortable.

I’m white and replying on BMN, so not sure if you want my advice, but as a parent of mixed race children (now young adults/teens) I would prioritise living somewhere diverse and continuing to actively support your child to learn about and be part of a local black community. Especially as your child doesn’t have any black relatives in her life.

Dont underestimate how being a mixed race child with no black parent/family in her life and no diversity in her community & friendship group will impact her as she grows up. Teen years might be especially brutal.

Your DD needs to see people around her who look like her and who have a shared experience in order to thrive. I really believe this.

It's hard to find more diverse areas which aren't in a built up area. It's 20 minutes drive from Manchester though and about an hour from Sheffield, so I could make a big effort to visit those cities a lot with her.

Twenty minutes drive from Manchester is Manchester. And also only twenty minutes by tram.

OP you speak as if your child is the first and only mixed race girl in the country. Perhaps it feels that way to you but it really isn’t the case. Mixed race boys and girls are living perfectly happy lives in the North West - without all the forensic pathologising of changes in their skin shade that you seem to find necessary. Why not just imagine she’s a normal girl?

(And yes, I do know what I’m talking about.)

Well, why not move to the west Midlands then?

The Birmingham areas have a high black/afro/west Indian population.

The schools will be full of people like that and your child may feel more comfortable.

From your follow up posts it seems you have problems living in a city but that's the only place you'll find some sort of diversity.

Moving to a white area of the NW would be the same as moving to a white area anywhere in the country, and wherever you live you can't guarantee that racism won't rear its ugly head.

It would be cruel to move your daughter to where you think she'll be the only child of colour in her class.

NW has its issues, I've been reading of black students in the whitest or non diverse areas esp NW territory being targets for bullying and harassment. As a black mum with mixed race girls, I wouldn't live anywhere where my children are the only non whites in the class, me and my white partner have visited seaside towns and rural areas and the locals often stare and make you feel uncomfortable for simply just existing, I wouldn't want that to be my daughters lived in experience every day because as they get older they will notice and begin to understand why they are staring and making snide remarks and it won't help with their self esteem and self worth.

I live in a suburb of a NW city, but it has a more villagey vibe to it. My dd is mixed race, and never experienced racism (actually, only once from another Asian pupil who asked her if she was 7/7 Asian or 9/11 Asian, which shocked her). Her school was around 30% BME, and her friendship group comprises of many different ethnicities.

I was going to suggest the West Midlands or nearer to there. Maybe in between the 2 places.
Whilst I don't necessarily like how this comment is worded - I do agree that there is a high percentage of BME's here (I live central) and the schools are very mixed, I think actually a higher % of BME than white.

On a completely different note OP. You say her dad and family are in the US, is he American? If he is I would explore the option of a US passport for her. This could open up a lot of opportunities for her as an adult and (I believe) is easier to do if still a child. I know it's not what you asked but it's a possible advantage she shouldn't miss out on.

Good luck whatever you both do .

@Starseeking
I don't think you actually read the OP post correctly.
Then you became adverse.

I live nearish Sheffield in a very rural area and my husband and our sons make up probably about 50% of the ethnic diversity in our village. Nobody cares. I think that may be because a lot of the people who live here work in Sheffield and Manchester - it's a big doctor, consultant, lawyer sort of village iyswim so it's not a 'little britain' sort of village. So if you want to go rural then look at the demographics of the village in terms of career, age etc. look for places where a lot of people commute to city jobs.

Thank you for your input.

I wouldn't say that the North West is racist no. Well I hope not. I don't associate with any racists....

@Kendodd

Having a us passport creates difficulties, you have to file taxes even though you may have never been there. I personally wouldn't advise doing it unless she wants it later on. It is causing us no end of problems

I don't think you can generalise about "the North West" in general. Some areas are far more diverse than others, and some are vastly more friendly and welcoming than others.