But you’re black….

[notanaturalmum]

It's happening a lot less these days but when it does it really annoys me. For context, I live in a leafy suburb with a few black families. Eg maybe 5 out of 60 in my sons year group at school.

Anyway, the house that backs onto ours has been empty for a few years. It's owned by a man who lives round the corner and last month he came to tell us that his son and wife were moving in.

Cut to today and I'm driving home and I see her unloading the car with stuff.

So I pull over, get out and go "hiya. I'm x, our garden backs onto yours, if you need anything etc"
She was fine saying lovely to meet you, let's have cuppa when we're settled etc. Just being normal.

And then her husband comes out and gives me the look and then the double take.

And I say hi I'm x (I have very English name). And you can see the cogs turning in his brain. I then said, I live just over there. And it was like his head exploded with confusion.

He literally looked me up and down (I was a bit scruffy but with a nice handbag). And I could just see him thinking. 'But she's black'

And I was a bit put out. It's ages since I've had that feeling. But you can tell can't you.

Just wanted to rant really because I thought things were changing.

Anybody else still get the look from people they meet for the first time?

I know exactly what you mean OP, and I'm sad that you had to have this happen to you.

One of my friends lives in a similar sounding area to yours, and he once had the police knocking on his door, asking him what he was doing in the house. My friend responded that he lives there. In his shock, my friend even showed him the house deeds to prove his ownership. The policeman mumbled some nonsense about looking for someone who fit his description in the area.

I also have friends who have very English names (these are my Caribbean friends). When going for interviews, they regularly get looked over while waiting in reception until identifying themselves, then the "oh you're Black" looks start.

Early on in my career, I happened to call a client in Switzerland who I'd been emailing regularly for about a year, but had never spoken to. I have a name that is unambiguously from an African country, included in my email. The client actually blurted out "I can't believe you speak like that" (my accent is pure Home Counties). I asked "speak like what?". Then I left her hanging on the phone in silence while she tried to mumble some rubbish while we both knew she meant she didn't expect a Black person to sound like me.

These people are everywhere, I wouldn't give them the time of day if I were you, they've already formed their world view.

@Ipigglemustdie

Sure if your name was Sarah... or Nicolas...

But what if it's Sam, Alex, Blake, Drew, Jordan, Cameron, or Charlie?

@notanaturalmum I am so sorry this happened to you and I am so sorry that white people are trying to tell you that what you are experiencing isn't what you are experiencing. Like another poster upthread @Anotherdayanotherdisappointment I'm white and my dh and children are black. We get the version above, frequently. Its bullshit. The eye bulging, the awkward silence, not knowing what to say. Often a "so where is your husband from" me refusing to play the game "Birmingham". Them "where is he really from". Me head tilt huge smile "Birmingham". One lady actually stomped her foot and went "where is he from from". Me
"still Birmingham" 😅

Not sure why you trying to deny that experience? Do you think people don't judge people's sex and/or ethnicity by written information?

I have had it as a black woman with a unisex name working in a male dominated industry.

I have had:

• oh you are a woman.
• oh you are black
• oh you are a black woman

The worse culprits are HR and recruiters. Luckily young people from diverse backgrounds are going into both so I've had it less in the last 5 years.

It happens all the time. Even worse if you're black and wear hijab.
"Where did you learn to speak like that?"
"Where's your husband from?"(thinking I must be married to an Englishman and my surname must be his).
Being blanked, even when being introduced.
Going into a new workplace and people looking for the new colleague while ignoring the person standing right in front of them.
Neighbours pretending not to see you when you pass them in the streets.
These things have been happening for generations. One's instinct about them is never wrong. When I was young and naive I always used to give people the benefit of the doubt. It never went well. Now I'm on my guard to protect myself.

OP I'd be tempted to blast loud reggae music in the garden and watch his face turn purple 😂

@notanaturalmum I believe you and I get that look a lot. I live in a posh white enclave of S London (which I now regret a bit) because I get the look a lot. Either that or people look through me assuming I’m a nanny/help. You can see the look of surprise at my appearance not matching my very traditional English name.

As for the non-believers, years ago I had a neighbour who was always ‘off’ with me but charming to white DH. He initially dismissed my thoughts that it was racism. Then one day she opened up to him about worrying ‘a load of Somalis’ were going to move into a vacant house and how she’d have to get a security gate if that happened. That was a lesson for DH

Sadly you get this with any public facing role of high standing. It does indeed work both ways if you are black or female in make dominated roles traditionally. Double worse if black and female.

@PompomDahlia
I was considering Winchester (DH still is really) but due to this I was also really concerned about living in such an area. Haven't completely ruled it out in the future because of schools but I am having reservations.

Had this so often I hardly know which instance to choose.

There was a time when we were renting. It was a nice house, the rent was quite steep. We decided to move and so the agent started sending round prospective tenants. So we would either go and answer the door, or they would need to walk down a corridor (led by the agent) which opened up to the living room, where we would be sitting /cooking / playing. I like to call that moment 'The Reveal!' Every single time the white home seekers would visibly stand there with their mouths open. One even scrunched up his face an started to say 'b...' as in 'but you're black'. We almost fell over ourselves laughing when that lot left.

I ended up emailing the landlord and agent to say don't bother showing people round while we're living here because these people simply will not be able to rent a place feeling they are 'following' black people who have done it first. They just won't be able to. They won't be able to feel like black people have been there, done that, and moved on.

Sad, but true.

To be fair, it was a surprise that we lived there, because usually black people buy their homes if they have that kind of money to rent, I don't think we are usually renting people if we can afford to buy, because that just leaves up open to racism in the real market which is real. So yeah, in that sense it was uncharacteristic, but not for the reasons these white people thought!

So, we did go on to buy. Once we had moved about a 10 minute walk away, DP mentioned that once when he came home, a white woman who lives in the area was so, let's say 'surprised' to see him putting his key into the door that she nearly walked into the lamppost, such was the contortion she was inflicting upon her neck as she walked by.

I wish she had.

The thing is 20 or 30 years ago this WAS a black area. It's just gentrified now. AFAIC these are my Ends!!!! I was literally born 1.5 miles away. So funny.

Yes!

And when the look is replaced by a 'oh my gosh I LOVE that you're black'. I could give and receive that look all day. Love it.

Ignore the shit stirrers, OP. As per usual, they think their voice should be heard above your experience. They've been doing this for an age, and even the section, meant for blacks, is frequented by them. I don't think they can help it. Ewwww!

Anyway, I know exactly the look, as I am given that same look when people are wanting to speak with the manager 🙄

Just keep being you. Hopefully, when he's recovered from the 'shock', things may tick along nicely. Don't let one wayward look put you off. Most people are v ignorant to difference.

It's not 'respect' it's the fear of saying something and not quite knowing what the repercussions might be.......

Ummmmm,
Yes, you may live in a nice area but I live in East London and I still get that look after having being alive nearly 70 years and english being wot I speak!
You got it first from what I'd call 'tribal whites' who were quite happy to use the 'n' word to your face; ( cheers national front, reforms grandaddy)
Then you'd get that look from those who tried really hard as I then worked in the city and didn't know quite what to say so they were always very curt and came in shades of red discomforture facially whenever they had to speak to you
Left work to have children
Some mothers and their children better than others, especially at the school gate
Then that died down; when kids grew up
Then eastern europeans arrived assuming as they were white passing they could take that look along with stupid comments to the hilt;
Believe me Id stand there in my Queens English and when I spoke they'd stand there open mouthed not knowing quite where to look
Then brexit happened
No more comments but still get the odd look; gaze upon my beauty why don't you?
Am so over that look, now just catch my eye and I may catch yours
We are here to stay and we are not crude uneducated stereotypes
Whilst 'white' is all some have.

I thought it might be nice to update the post 4 years later.
We've all become great friends. The kids all play with each other, they run in and out of the gardens and everyone is the best of friends.
Initially the dad was a bit reserved and sometimes the way he talked to my kids (then 5 and 3) was a bit weird eg passive aggressive statements about behaviour/manners (my kids have always been praised about this by others, so a little odd but never mind)
In time though, we've won him over, I think he's a little socially awkward but the wife more than makes up for it and it's been lovely.
I still stand by my initial assessment and one day I'll probably get drunk and blurt it out over a bbq to see if i was right. I'll do it in a nice way though. But my dad always used to say to me "You need to be an ambassador for your race. Show your best side always".
And that's what I've done. I'll never write anybody off if i get the vibes- I'll just use it as an excuse to educate and show that we're not all angry black women. So this has worked out well.
Now I just need to figure out how to get the girls on the MAC counter to notice me and then the world will be a better place!

Just realised it's an old thread

Good luck with Mac

Glad to hear you’re getting on with your neighbours.
I remember knocking at the door of my neighbour to introduce myself when we just moved and when she opened the door she looked at me and was silent for a long time, no smile, hello, nothing. She looked as though she had seen a ghost.
She turned out to be lovely and quite chatty over time but I’ll never forget that first interaction.

I understand your dad saying to be an ambassador for your race but this is so tedious and I’m no longer interested in being anything other than myself.

I’m no longer interested in being anything other than myself.

Yup. Came to the same conclusion roughly six decades ago …

TottersBlankly;-
I'm also a member of said club!

Grapehyacinthisactuallyblue
Read your comment from about 3/4 years ago (still in my early days on this forum)
If people are biting their tongues and saying nothing, it's not to do with them knowing they're wrong and trying to do right
It's that they know themselves to say what they really want to would result in them being proven for the biased bigot racists they are
Alongside the possible trouble it would then cause.....
Just stop being so naive and giving of assumptions; especially to your own