To live near her family or mine?

[duod]

So just to put this out there, I'm a guy but I think you older wiser black women might be helpful

I'm black and my gf is white. Im from London and she's from Manchester. I met her in Manchester at work and we've been dating for 3 years. I'm 29, she's 26.

She's just got a 3 year training contract at work as of last month and we're planning on buying a house in Manchester.

Initially I wanted to live near London to be near family and when we have kids, I think it'll be good to live in a diverse area however my gf convinced me that she has more family support for our future childcare, cheaper up north and the area we're thinking of living in is not totally white with pockets of ethnic people around

My family obviously want me to live near/in London and are worried about my future children not knowing their black side as much or not belonging because they'll inevitably be seeing more of their white relatives as we'll be nearer to them.

I'm having second thoughts and I hate this feeling of what if?

What do you guys suggest? I was planning on driving down to london to see family once per month but even I think that's ambitious. Moving somewhere in the middle eg midlands is not an option

Manchester is a very diverse city. London is not the only city with lots of black people. You also don’t need to be surrounded by LOTS of black people for your children to understand their culture. You as their parent will have the biggest influence on them, plus they will still see your family. Personally, I needed my own family when I had DC. My ILs are great but there’s nothing like your own mum, as a woman, to help look after you after having children. If you will get more support in Manchester and it fits with your finances better, than I think it’s a no brainier. I understand why your family are hesitant as the distance is large but you have to do what works best for your family.

@Fretfulmum

Manchester is a very diverse city. London is not the only city with lots of black people. You also don’t need to be surrounded by LOTS of black people for your children to understand their culture. You as their parent will have the biggest influence on them, plus they will still see your family. Personally, I needed my own family when I had DC. My ILs are great but there’s nothing like your own mum, as a woman, to help look after you after having children. If you will get more support in Manchester and it fits with your finances better, than I think it’s a no brainier. I understand why your family are hesitant as the distance is large but you have to do what works best for your family.

Thank you for your reply.

I just can't help but feel bad for my parents as they are upset about it. But yeah my gf also mentioned the whole mother looking after her own daughter having children thing which as a guy I didn't get at first but now that you've said it i realise how important it is

Plenty of black and black/mixed people in the NW.

The only thing you need to be careful off - and it would be the same if you had a white partner from London - is that they won't understand, especially initially, the nuances race issues around your children in dealing with nurseries, schools etc.

I guess you may not have realised that lots of people commute between Manchester and London every working day!

They seem far apart if you’re driving - but that’s the wrong journey. It’s just over two hours on the train. (Yes, I admit the necessity of Euston, but that misery cannot last forever and can only get better.)

So … Your parents may still be below sixty - but once they hit those birthdays they can flash Senior Railcards on every journey and it will feel pretty much effortless.

Having dealt with that - Manchester really is a pretty fine place. Thriving city - you don’t have enough fingers to count all the universities - including art school and conservatoire, numerous theatres, galleries, concert halls. Have you seen the building work? Or heard of the football teams? Industry, entertainment, sport, culture everywhere. It’s a hugely attractive place to live, for people from all over the world - not some mono-cultural backwater. And, of course, far, far quicker access to magnificent countryside than you get living in London.

I guarantee your parents will love visiting you there.

If I seem to be ignoring your underlying question, trust me, I’m not. But there could hardly be a city outside London where it could seem less relevant.

@RedWingBoots

Plenty of black and black/mixed people in the NW.

The only thing you need to be careful off - and it would be the same if you had a white partner from London - is that they won't understand, especially initially, the nuances race issues around your children in dealing with nurseries, schools etc.

Can you please expand on the nuances of race issues at nursery and school? Growing up in London I've been so oblivious to it but I do realise it may be a problem outside London

@Gruach

I guess you may not have realised that lots of people commute between Manchester and London every working day!

They seem far apart if you’re driving - but that’s the wrong journey. It’s just over two hours on the train. (Yes, I admit the necessity of Euston, but that misery cannot last forever and can only get better.)

So … Your parents may still be below sixty - but once they hit those birthdays they can flash Senior Railcards on every journey and it will feel pretty much effortless.

Having dealt with that - Manchester really is a pretty fine place. Thriving city - you don’t have enough fingers to count all the universities - including art school and conservatoire, numerous theatres, galleries, concert halls. Have you seen the building work? Or heard of the football teams? Industry, entertainment, sport, culture everywhere. It’s a hugely attractive place to live, for people from all over the world - not some mono-cultural backwater. And, of course, far, far quicker access to magnificent countryside than you get living in London.

I guarantee your parents will love visiting you there.

If I seem to be ignoring your underlying question, trust me, I’m not. But there could hardly be a city outside London where it could seem less relevant.

Yeah I just wish train prices were cheaper!

My parents are Nigerian and they say when they're older they won't be coming up to see me I'll have to always come down because they'll be old etc. They're in the mid 50s now

I love Manchester and if it was a bit closer to london say around birmingham that would be great.

How is mid 50s old 😳

I pop on the train every 2-3 months for a long weekend in London. When in the SE I did that in reverse. I sometimes even still drive it!

@RandomMess

How is mid 50s old 😳

I pop on the train every 2-3 months for a long weekend in London. When in the SE I did that in reverse. I sometimes even still drive it!

No I said when they'll be older (60+) not that they're old now lol.

The trains are full of "mature" people, cheap tickets, time to travel. A mini break to visit their DGC.

Ignore / coax / ignore on repeat. They’re just winding you up because resistance is the only power left to parents of adult children … Honestly, once they’ve done the journey a couple of times you’ll see far more of them than you ever anticipated.

How well do you know Liverpool? Even more magnificent, and somewhere you’ll really want to take your parents and your children together. It’s a proper education.

London is great - there’s no denying. But it’s also great to get out of the place.

@Gruach

Ignore / coax / ignore on repeat. They’re just winding you up because resistance is the only power left to parents of adult children … Honestly, once they’ve done the journey a couple of times you’ll see far more of them than you ever anticipated.

How well do you know Liverpool? Even more magnificent, and somewhere you’ll really want to take your parents and your children together. It’s a proper education.

London is great - there’s no denying. But it’s also great to get out of the place.

Don't know Liverpool much only been twice.

And yeah that's why I moved out of London for uni and just...never came back really.

Manchester is a good place I know it well, worked there many years, but commuted in. A couple of hours from London on the train.
Like anywhere, check out your area, schools like Whalley Range High are warm, friendly, dedicated educators, and very mixed. (Just one example, quite a few more)

There's an active Nigeria Community Association too. Look them up and have a chat!

So your parents have survived your not living in London for quite some time already.

Really it’s a non-issue. (Though I appreciate its troubling you at the moment) You’re under no obligation to ‘return’, and it’s likely your prospective family will have a better quality of life without the incessant, brutal getting and spending that London imposes on its residents.

And training contracts - good ones - are invaluable. Your parents should be glad it’s only Manchester - what if your girlfriend’s firm send her to … Vienna? Or New York?

@blackandgreen

Manchester is a good place I know it well, worked there many years, but commuted in. A couple of hours from London on the train. Like anywhere, check out your area, schools like Whalley Range High are warm, friendly, dedicated educators, and very mixed. (Just one example, quite a few more)

There's an active Nigeria Community Association too. Look them up and have a chat!

Ah brilliant I will check them out. Need more Naija people in my circle haha

@blackandgreen

Manchester is a good place I know it well, worked there many years, but commuted in. A couple of hours from London on the train. Like anywhere, check out your area, schools like Whalley Range High are warm, friendly, dedicated educators, and very mixed. (Just one example, quite a few more)

There's an active Nigeria Community Association too. Look them up and have a chat!

Do you know Stockport well? That's where we are thinking of settling.

@Gruach

So your parents have survived your not living in London for quite some time already.

Really it’s a non-issue. (Though I appreciate its troubling you at the moment) You’re under no obligation to ‘return’, and it’s likely your prospective family will have a better quality of life without the incessant, brutal getting and spending that London imposes on its residents.

And training contracts - good ones - are invaluable. Your parents should be glad it’s only Manchester - what if your girlfriend’s firm send her to … Vienna? Or New York?

Yeah you're right

I guess I'm still forever grateful for my parents giving me a great life and opportunity living in UK etc and I feel like I'm abandoning them.

Stockport is ok. Wythenshawe would not be for me, but then others might differ. Take time and check these areas out for yourself though.
blackhistoryinstockport.com/

As someone who moved closer to her in laws for the sake of her DH. I massively regret that decision. It made me realise how close I was to my parents and how much I miss them. Granted it's not as far away as Manchester to london but I resent my DH and PIL's. And I am desperate to move back 'home', but it's not as easy as that when I have 2 young children.
I would make sure you're both on the same page before you make any major life changing decisions

abandoning them?

They’re in their fifties! That is, younger than I am, and I’ve barely started on life. They have another fifty years to pursue their own adventures.

tl;dr Don’t be so silly.

Manchester is much more affordable for housing, close to stunning north wales, will give you both a better quality of life and is a fun city.

Between visits, WhatsApp, zoom, telephone calls, you can ensure lots of contact with London family.

They can also visit you

@RedWingBoots

Plenty of black and black/mixed people in the NW.

The only thing you need to be careful off - and it would be the same if you had a white partner from London - is that they won't understand, especially initially, the nuances race issues around your children in dealing with nurseries, schools etc.

The important thing to think about. I was brought up by non black people who loved me very much, and I them. Sometimes they didn't understand, not their fault. But not ideal in hindsight. A child needs affirmation of who they are

[quote blackandgreen]Stockport is ok. Wythenshawe would not be for me, but then others might differ. Take time and check these areas out for yourself though.
blackhistoryinstockport.com/[/quote]
Thanks.

What are the nuances with race during nursery and school please?

What are the nuances with race during nursery and school please?

Read through the threads on this section of MN for clues but it is stuff including not being able to keep any black and global majority staff let alone having such staff in senior positions, indicating your child is too uppity as your child is actually intelligent, stereotyping them in what subjects they should be good at including sports in PE, accusing them of being a troublemaker with no evidence and adultification. It happens in London too but in London people have the benefit of more easily moving area.

If your GF moved to London, she would have similar issues with her family. It seems as if your parents are emotionally guilt tripping you. They are only in their 50s, that’s very young. They will be able to hop on a train across the country for a couple of decades yet if health allows. My Nigerian ILs also think they are “old” and we should pander around them and won’t travel to us. But they are fit and healthy with no long term conditions and in their 60s. There is not a single reason why they are unable to come to us (we are only 90 minutes away by car) but they act as if they can’t manage it, but they definitely can. DH thinks it’s their way of emotionally guilt tripping him for “moving away” but we are really not far at all. So be prepared for that. As you are embarking on your own family journey, you need to put the needs of you, your partner and future children first. You need to go where your quality of life is far greater, you can financially afford and provide your children with the best upbringing you can. If that’s in Manchester, then so be it. If you are very financially comfortable and can afford everything you want in life for your family in London (or your parents can help you make up the shortfall), then that is also a good option, but it seemed from your original post that it wouldn’t be the case.