Mother in law and cultural differences

[lboogy]

Hi all

My MIL is quite a character. She's generally a nosey person, gossips a lot and talks far too much. She's white English.

She keeps trying to bring my family together with her family. She rings my mum and asks personal questions about her relationship with my dad, asks about my sisters relationship etc. Now I know in her mind she's trying to make us all one big happy family but you know black peoples mind the business that pays them. We don't like people asking personal questions. My mum likes her enough but her nosiness and personal questions are off putting.

She's also weirdly competitive when it comes to the grandkids. She keeps going on about how it's not fair that the maternal mothers get more access to the grandkids. She had only boys and all of them but me and DH live several miles away. She keeps competing with my mum over who gets to see the grandkids first and more often, which is so odd when she has 7 other grandkids. Albeit they are hours away.

Anyway, just wanted to know if her behaviour is cultural or she's just odd as an individual

Does your mum and MIl have a relationship or do they just see/speak to each other at major family events e.g Christmas , christening etc

I think its probably just her, as the person you've just described is my Mil down to a T and she is black. Wearas my mum who is white is very much like your mum.
They do have a fairly good relationship though and in the past have met up for lunch and speak on the phone, we also used to spend some Christmases together.

They don't need to be best friends, but I think it does work well if everyone can at least spend time together.

Hi. Hope I'm not intruding (white mumsnetter) - I think it might be partly cultural. My mum got fairly close to my sister's ex'h's family - they lived in the same small town. Still chat and exchange birthday and Christmas cards even post-divorce! Your family's cultural preferences are important too though - hope you all find a way through!

It may just be your MIL. My MIL is white and she doesn't interfere, whereas my mom (black) likes to be very involved and she could get nosey

Hi, hope I'm OK to comment. I'm white British and I don't think it's cultural, you just have a nosy MIL! It's not usual for in laws to be as involved as she wants to be. Like you said, birthdays, Xmas, other times when you want to include both sets. It's normal to be friendly, but not friends, if you see what I mean.
Your poor Mum. She needs help in setting some boundaries. Can your husband tactfully speak to his mum?

So funny, I think my mum is the one who has made more overtures to my MIL and my in laws, but they are W African, we are Caribbean, and I think they condescend to us just a little. So, two black families, but cultural differences still exist. My family don't run their mouth about everything by my word, my in-laws are secretive about things I think are just normal. I might say 'oh so and so is pregnant' when they are 8 months and out here, and my partner is giving me wide eyes like I let the cat out of the bag! I'm just thinking 'she's about to pop!' My SIL is separating from her husband and we always mingled. I've got no idea what has gone on there, and I never will. I don't care for gossip value and really only concerned about my SIL, truly care about her and would want to help, but like I say, I'll never know. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to know? So I just leave it alone. I've grown as a person!

I think this is more about character and personality, and I also think is is very common. Rest assured many of us are dealing with it. I just appreciate my in-laws for who they are, say in this case, I know I can tell them something and they will keep it quiet forever! Your MIL seems like her heart is in the right place, appreciate her for loving her grandkids so? Just reframe, reframe, reframe.

@TouchMyToe

It may just be your MIL. My MIL is white and she doesn't interfere, whereas my mom (black) likes to be very involved and she could get nosey

I agree with this.

Hi, like a couple of others asked, I hope I'm not intruding?

I actually think the clue to your question was in your own OP.
You know, the bit about your mil having other sons but only you and your family living close by.😁
Maybe you should call up some of your SIL's and find out if it's a coincidence that they live too far for her to easily drop by!
I don't know if it's primarily a culture thing but I think asking your mum those questions is simply rude.
What's that saying " A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for all of her life."
Don't get me wrong I absolutely loved my mil but it was a very different relationship than the one I have with my mum, just more relaxed you know. Also my mil would "share" all kinds of information with the wider family and that was a shock!

I'm the Mum in this. I really don't like personal questions, I would not dream to ask them, especially about relationships. That's incredibly rude.

DD's MIL (white) doesn't really speak to me, we just about exchange Christmas cards. Definitely a Hyacinth Bouquet type.

Not a black/white thing though. Not a monolith, and all that.

When DGD was born, DD's MIL, and her husband, expressed their sorrow to me that DGD wasn't a boy, so, "she couldn't carry on their family name".

To which I replied that I was delighted, as it was a bloody awful name anyway. Since then, mostly silence from them, which suits me.

(I could write reams about her, )

You said it was an awful name?

Haaaaa!

I do love that!

I'm tempted to do a thread about the PIL Jam.
Purely for the jaw dropping entertainment value. (And therapeutic benefits)
I know my secrets will be safe on MN.
I say not a word in criticism of them to the little girls. Would never repeat the conversation to them when older.

Thanks everyone. I guess it's not culture but I did think that English people were more likely to ask personal questions. At work I fine they tend to overshare their personal business which lead me to think it was a cultural thing.

I know my mum doesn't want a personal relationship with mil just because of the nosey questions. Plus we know whatever you tell her never stays with her. My mum has taken to avoiding her calls

@Perfectlyadjusted

So funny, I think my mum is the one who has made more overtures to my MIL and my in laws, but they are W African, we are Caribbean, and I think they condescend to us just a little. So, two black families, but cultural differences still exist. My family don't run their mouth about everything by my word, my in-laws are secretive about things I think are just normal. I might say 'oh so and so is pregnant' when they are 8 months and out here, and my partner is giving me wide eyes like I let the cat out of the bag! I'm just thinking 'she's about to pop!' My SIL is separating from her husband and we always mingled. I've got no idea what has gone on there, and I never will. I don't care for gossip value and really only concerned about my SIL, truly care about her and would want to help, but like I say, I'll never know. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to know? So I just leave it alone. I've grown as a person!

I think this is more about character and personality, and I also think is is very common. Rest assured many of us are dealing with it. I just appreciate my in-laws for who they are, say in this case, I know I can tell them something and they will keep it quiet forever! Your MIL seems like her heart is in the right place, appreciate her for loving her grandkids so? Just reframe, reframe, reframe.

This is actually a red flag. I get this when my family acts towards other people whon married into the family but think they are not worthy of family secrets becuase they will never be part of it. There is like an otherness to different black people and sometimes tribes. My understanding is, from listening to conversation and snide remarks about new family members, there is always reference to not retiring to the said country of origin. It's weired but there is that distance people create based on where they see you retire by never actually telling you.

I'm ok about it.

I know who put the Back Star in their flag!

I think its probably just her, as the person you've just described is my Mil down to a T and she is black. Wearas my mum who is white is very much like your mum.

This is also my experience.

I don’t think this is about cultural differences, I think it’s just different personalities.

This thread made me miss my MIL I haven't seen for ages. She is like a mum to me and would take anything I tell her to her grave. As would I. I love her to bits and she has been more of a mother to me than my own ever has.

@Lndnmummy That's such a lovely thing to say. She, in turn, must love you very much.

@Lndnmummy

This thread made me miss my MIL I haven't seen for ages. She is like a mum to me and would take anything I tell her to her grave. As would I. I love her to bits and she has been more of a mother to me than my own ever has.

That's lovely and you're very lucky to have someone like her

@EchoNan and @lboogy I am very lucky, she is amazing. She nursed me through two child births and horrible PND. She told the midwife off for pressuring me when my little one wouldn't latch on. We nearly lost her to covid in November. She did however hate the name we choose for our first born. I was so excited to tell her. It was a biblical name and I thought she would love it. She went "hm, i think you better go and pick another one". And I did !!

I'm so glad that you have a MIL who looks out for you @Lndnmummy. I'm wondering if the name reminded her of someone awful.
@Iboogy I agree about the "oversharing". and the asking of personal intrusive questions on a wider level. My neighbours in the road are white English (and retired). We try to mind our business, but gosh they are nosey! Both men and women. I would not dream of asking the personal questions they do! They view us as some kind of curiosity I think.

Even random stuff like today, DH was filling a skip on the front drive as we are fixing up the back garden.

Where did all the soil come from to go in the skip?
Who did you get the skip from? How much did you pay for it?
Where's your son? Why isn't he helping?
What are you doing in the back garden?
Have you had your covid booster yet?

And that's just five minutes with Brian, who walks past with his dog.

Whatever happened to the good old British inoffensive topic of The Weather?

(We do have some younger neighbours a few doors down, (white English) who seem to mind their business also. We are on nodding/smiling terms as we take our bins in, they don't talk to other neighbours - who view them as very stand offish)

What's that saying " A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for all of her life."

Sorry, but that's nonsense.

Sorry, but that's nonsense.
It's a saying, As the poster mentioned. We all know it's only a saying
She wasn't presentling it as a scientific fact,.
Just mentioned in passing. Part of a friendly chat. That is all.

@EchoNan

Sorry, but that's nonsense. It's a saying, As the poster mentioned. We all know it's only a saying She wasn't presentling it as a scientific fact,. Just mentioned in passing. Part of a friendly chat. That is all.

I challenge it when I see it, because words have power, and I don't think 'it's just a saying' is much of an excuse tbh.

Words do indeed have power. Lecture noted.
Yours wasn't a constructive challenge though was it?

It was more of a shouty plop of "nonsense" and a harrumph.

And therefore not worth engaging further with.
Have a good day.

@Perfectlyadjusted

I'm ok about it.

I know who put the Back Star in their flag!

Hope it’s ok to comment, I’m white non British. Mum and MiL are both white, the same culture, even the same age. My Mum is exactly as your MIL, my MIL is exactly as your Mum. They are not in contact and since we live in UK there are no big family events to get together, we visits them separately. So it’s just personality.