Mother in law and cultural differences

[lboogy]

Hi all

My MIL is quite a character. She's generally a nosey person, gossips a lot and talks far too much. She's white English.

She keeps trying to bring my family together with her family. She rings my mum and asks personal questions about her relationship with my dad, asks about my sisters relationship etc. Now I know in her mind she's trying to make us all one big happy family but you know black peoples mind the business that pays them. We don't like people asking personal questions. My mum likes her enough but her nosiness and personal questions are off putting.

She's also weirdly competitive when it comes to the grandkids. She keeps going on about how it's not fair that the maternal mothers get more access to the grandkids. She had only boys and all of them but me and DH live several miles away. She keeps competing with my mum over who gets to see the grandkids first and more often, which is so odd when she has 7 other grandkids. Albeit they are hours away.

Anyway, just wanted to know if her behaviour is cultural or she's just odd as an individual

Does your mum and MIl have a relationship or do they just see/speak to each other at major family events e.g Christmas , christening etc

Thank you @EchoNan 😁
It is 'just' a saying and I didn't mean to offend anyone or indeed present it as fact @ThirdElephant.
It is a sweeping statement, doesn't take any individual's family structure or personal relationships or preferences into consideration.
It might not be as relevant as it once was because it's old - I should have googled it before I started writing and I could have been more precise but I imagine it reflects the usual mother/daughter set ups of the time.
I, myself have sons and I certainly won't be happy if they stop being my sons if they choose to start their own family. I also wouldn't have any issue with my future ddil having a closer relationship with her mum rather than me.
I hope my son's future dPILs do welcome him to their family with open arms, the more love and happiness in this world can only be a very good thing!

@IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel (brilliant name, it makes me smile)

No apologies needed! BMN friends welcome. You've done nothing wrong at all. You made a useful point, everyone got your drift (except one)

We always get ploppers on these threads telling us all how to think. Being rude like that tells us what these people must be like, NOT what you are like. Ok? No need to google your words in advance for fear of upsetting a plopper.

I like old sayings, they often have a lot of truth in them.
There's another one.
“Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength.”

My MIL is white English and never asks about anyone or anything. She's only interested in herself and very selfish so it could be her personality rather than cultural.

@Purpletomato

My MIL is white English and never asks about anyone or anything. She's only interested in herself and very selfish so it could be her personality rather than cultural.

i guess you don't like your MIL then?

Sorry if I'm intruding here.
Mil and my mum are both white British. Both keep their business private and both awfully territorial when it comes to their Grandchildren.

@Cantstopthewaves

Sorry if I'm intruding here. Mil and my mum are both white British. Both keep their business private and both awfully territorial when it comes to their Grandchildren.

So is it white culture for MIL not to ne private? I think this seems to be the general consensus

Purpletomato - i guess you don't like your MIL then?

Touchmytoe - no, I don't. Neither do my kids as she's nasty to them. 2 of her own kids didn't invite her to their weddings so I'm not alone in finding her very difficult. I think it's just her rather than her culture but who knows. She's pretty snobbish.

I don't know whether being private is a cultural thing or not. There was an example given above of neighbours being too nosey. It's a hard one, I might ask some of those questions (though not where the soil came from, and also not where is your son etc) ok, so I wouldn't ask those questions, but I might ask some! I'd ask them because I think if you show no interest, sometimes it is seen as rudeness, too?

Like, I could clearly see a woman in my partner's family was pregnant. I said nothing, though it was obvious to me. Then a few months later there was no more pregnancy. I have just said nothing. I think it's a little rude of me, but also perhaps that it's respecting her preference not to reference it? I truly don't know. I think it was a miscarriage and I have had them and would like to offer some empathy, but I just stay schtum, which makes me feel strange.

On other hand, being out there with all of your business has struck me in the past as a very white British thing. Whenever there is a black person on a reality TV show, let's say 'expressing' their sexuality, or a black person on that show that is all about taking your clothes off and then choosing a partner, people in my family still stand around the TV like it was the 1980's cos we CAN'T BELEEEEEVE IIITTTTT!

But it's probably just us magnifying cultural differences that aren't really there, or might be there in a less pronounced way, for group identity reasons.

Who knows.

It's definitely not cultural OP it's just your MIL!