DD 12 and her hair

[Scratchpostkitty]

I am looking for help with managing my DD's hair. She is mixed race with afro hair, very tightly curled. She has been having a hard time recently. Going to school in particular is making her anxious. She has also become incredibly intolerant of me brushing her hair and as a result, it is totally matted in the middle of her head.. She just wants me to put it up and won't really let me get to it. The other day she let me brush out a bit, but I am at a loss with what to do. Are there any products or methods that could make the process easier? I have fine hair and have no experience in how to deal with hers.Thank you in advance!

How do you brush her hair? Afro hair isn't really something you "brush" per se, certainly not in one go if your aim is to detangle. You'll be pulling on and hurting the scalp. You need to be gentle with it.

1. Divide the hair into about 4 or more smaller sections and take it one section at a time.

1. With a spray bottle, spray water generously on one section of hair enough to make it damp not soaking wet and the hair will loosen up enough to gently and patiently comb (with a wide tooth comb) or brush or finger detangle through the hair from the tip of the hair to the roots, not the other way round.

1. Once detangled, tie up that section to get it out of the way and do the other sections the same way. When you're done, you can easily brush the whole hair (gently still) and put it in a pony or bun or whatever style she wants.

There are lots of YouTube videos by those who have afro hair on how to detangle and care for (their) afro hair but be careful of anyone who says that you need many hair products to get it "manageable". Water alone does a lot of detangling but if needed, a good moisturiser + water will help too. Then if really needed, a good oil or hair sealant after detangling, to seal the moisture in.

Everyone's hair is different so the hair products (moisturiser, oil/sealant) that work for one person may not work for her. You'll have to try them to know.

Curly hair wants to be curly.

Straight hair wants to be straight.

Acceptance of curly styles is probably the hardest part.

To detangle her hair take two clean milk bottle caps (or something similar) and put a little olive oil in one and water in the other. Dip your fingertips in the oil and water and run them gently through her hair to loosen the knots. You should expect some shed hair to come away in your hands.

Stop brushing her hair. The friction and static damages her hair which will make it break and tangle. Finger comb it instead.

Move away from the hairbrush!

If you search “curly girl” method you will find lots of advice on how to look after Afro hair. There is also a book by Lorraine Massey which has a section on Afro hair (which is basically on the 4 stage of curly).

I have used the method on my hair and it really brings the ringlets out. But I never brush it!

Acceptance of curly styles is probably the hardest part.

It’s crazy isn’t it? Curly hair is so beautiful yet we are convinced that straight is aspirational. I’m glad this has started to change in the past years.

How have you got to 12 without knowing how to look after your DD's hair?
You shouldn't be brushing it for a start.

Thank you all. I was using a tangle tamer type brush. I thought it said it was suitable for afro hair. I feel bad now, but I did try an afro comb in the past and she said she liked the brush better.
For anyone asking why I don't know how to manage her hair after 12 years, well I was managing-ish until recently. It has never got matted like this and I was just brushing it and putting it into a bun, so it wasn't too bad. DD is normally hard as nails and moaned a bit, but always tolerated my brushing. I think she is feeling sensitive and anxious at the moment and has not wanted me messing with it as much, hence the state it has got in.
I love her hair and I only hope she will one day. I think she just sees it as hard work and it doesn't help that when she was in infant school, a child bullied her about it (we live in a largely white area). Growing up here, people seem to be fascinated by it and they are always commenting or trying to touch it!

I don't usually comment on these types of posts, but felt compelled to due to the content.

First of all, throw away the "tangle tamer". Your DDs hair doesn't need any taming, she's not a pet and her hair is not an animal. Don't use that type of language in relation to her hair either, particularly around her.

Secondly when you got the Afro comb, did you actually know how to use it? If not, start watching YouTube videos, and fast. Watch everything you can find about the way to comb any type of Afro hair to get the least amount of breakage (from the ends in, not from the root out).

You say you were managing before your DD got to 12, she was most likely tolerating how it was being done previously, and at just about to hit her teens, she has probably just reached a point where she felt comfortable expressing her discomfort.

Wide tooth combs work best with curly hair because they don't try and make it do what it's not designed to. A brush is not going to help in any way shape or form. Your DDs hair is becoming matted because it's not being looked after properly. Follow the advice given by PP, and you should be able to restore her beautiful hair again.

@Starseeking Thank you for your advice. I just want to point out that 'tangle tamer' is a brand name, I did not just make up it.

I probably didn't know how to use the afro comb. I still have it, so will watch some youtube videos. Thanks again

@Scratchpostkitty on afro and curly hair a tangle tamer, brushes and narrow tooth combs:

1. break hair strands, and,
2. split hair strands giving split ends, and,
3. pull out the hair out.

The same is highly likely to happen if you comb her hair when it is bone dry even if you are using an afro or wide tooth comb.

There are few people who do use brushes and narrow teeth combs on their own or others afro and curly hair but they know what they are doing.

Unfortunately due to the pandemic they have stopped but you should have been looking for workshops or events like this to help your daughter with your hair - metro.co.uk/2017/06/30/meet-the-woman-whos-educating-white-parents-on-how-style-their-mixed-race-kids-hair-6744282/

Yes you may have to travel but do you want your daughter feeling like this? www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/321b6a52-b4e8-4d22-a69c-68f7b79a998b

(Black hair products weren't and aren't expensive but travelling to get them before online shopping was .)

should have said - help your daughter with her hair.

Also there are now a few YouTubers who are white parents of black and mixed ethnicity children, who post videos of doing their children's hair. A couple of them have been posting for years.

@RedMarauder That is really interesting about the workshops. I will definitely look into that, thank you.
That's an awful story. I would NEVER cut her hair off, unless she wanted that, but I hope she never does! Although it might sound like I've not bothered educating myself about her hair, I have watched a fair few videos in the past and attempted finger detangling, but the detangler brush (which was recommended for afro hair by the way, I checked) seemed quicker. I realise now it is a no no from the unanimous responses. I have bought kids books about afro hair to make her feel more positive about it and I've spent an absolute fortune on afro hair products, many were totally useless on her hair. I wanted to take her to an afro hairdresser, but she feels too self concious to go and says she wants me to do it. I like the idea of workshops though, I think she might go for that if they are still running.

P. S I have never brushed it bone dry. We use palmer coconut oil spray, which has been about the most decent priduct so far and fairly cheap. I'd like to find a decent conditionong hair mask though. We are yet to find anything good.

*product

@Scratchpostkitty, the following will be your best friend:

British Curlies - www.britishcurlies.co.uk
beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com/
www.naturallycurly.com/
YouTube
Instagram - there are some brilliant young girls making hair tutorials, which might both you and your daughter,
Do you know what hair type your daughter has? Is it 3B, 3C, 4A, 4B? This will determine the products you you, also Superdrugs now sell a good selection of products - there's no need to spend a fortune.
Avoid products with sulfates and silicones. If her hair is type 3C/4A camp the Shea Moisture products are very good, although I don't rate the Milk.

p.s. I think the Curly Girl Method is too expensive and convoluted for a 12 year old to master themselves. The Kinky Curly Method is better, but it takes a long time for the hair to dry and there can be a lot of shrinkage when drying.

@Soma I think her hair is 4c. There is a massive amount of shrinkage as it is very tightly coiled. I did get some castor oil and shea butter leave in conditioner from Superdrug, but she doesn't like that particular one. She likes the shampoo of the castor oil and shea though.
I will look into both those methods and at the British Curlies. Thank you, that's really helpful.

I have long very curly 3B/3C hair. My sisters is very tight curls 3C/4A, and we've found you absolutely cannot dry brush it!

What brush are you using? The best types I've found are Denman ones with the spines, a wide tooth comb, or a tangle teezer.

Only comb the hair when wet, and with plenty of conditioner for slip. My routine every 2-3 days is:

-Co- wash (wash with conditioner)

• Detangle hair gently and in sections while wet. Clip up the other sections of you need so it doesn't get in the way.
• Do not dry it with a towel, causes frizz. Dry it with a simple jersey t shirt, and do it upside down whilst gently scrunching the curls to the head to create a nice curl.
• I then apply Cantu Argan leave in conditioner and comb my hair gently again and scrunch.
• ideally leave it to air dry but tbf this can take hours. If you absolutely have to use heat, then use a diffuser attachment and the lowest heat possible. If you want lots of curly volume dry your hair upside down while lift/scrunching curls to the head with diffuser. Finish with a cold blast setting to seal hair cuticles.

Only once a week or so will I wash my hair with a shampoo. I love Shea Moisture shampoos but they are pricy tbf. Cantu is also good.

What type of hair does she have? www.naturallycurly.com/hair-types

Never use shampoo. Always wash hair in conditioner. There is also a product for hair on Amazon called Twisted Sister. That stuff is brilliant

My DD is much younger but I've liked the Cantu shea butter conditioner and curl cream on Amazon for her hair. I use a brush for Afro hair with a spring like backing to it (can't link on my tablet sorry), for 3a - 4c hair as she's a toddler so her hair gets matted at the back easily.

Oh I've just seen that her hair is 4c. Okay no tangle teezer then!!!! Think that's not very good for very coily or kinky hair.

I still stand by combing very gently when wet and conditioned. My cousin has full Afro hair and uses this method and has grown it so so long. It's beautiful.

What styles does she like? Are there any curly/Afro hair celebrities who she can see that may inspire her to embrace it more?

If not, some beautiful ones who are in my Pinterest and You Tube hair section are:

Sun Kiss Alba
Joyjah Estrada
Naptural85 (amazing!)
Ijeoma Kola

Don't brush it at all, except when it's wet and covered in lots of conditioner! A hair mask is also nice to leave on and hydrate the hair.

In between washing, get a spray bottle and fill with a mixture of water and leave in conditioner. Spray her hair and separate the curls with your fingers with your fingers.

Can you take her to have it braided sometimes, to give her (and her hair!) a break from being styled?

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0772M7W4N/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_41TWXRXP5FA41EXXZ2BA?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I use one of these, they are great. But only use when hair is soaking wet and covered in conditioner!

Tangle teezer is great for brushing.
First rule..the hair has to be wet/damp. Have a spray bottle with water. The cheapest ones from the pound shop if needed.
Sectioning is great too.
Using a good conditioner helps.

You can also do plaits which help with losing the hair for tge next day if needed and also brushing.

With wet hair, it's easier to finger comb and most times that's all you need.

Their is a Panten golden looking serum with is great for quick brushing. It makes the brush glide.

I Forgot. Wether it's combing or brushing. You should always start from the tip and work your way to the scalp. Never ever start from the scalp. EVER!