DD 12 and her hair

[Scratchpostkitty]

I am looking for help with managing my DD's hair. She is mixed race with afro hair, very tightly curled. She has been having a hard time recently. Going to school in particular is making her anxious. She has also become incredibly intolerant of me brushing her hair and as a result, it is totally matted in the middle of her head.. She just wants me to put it up and won't really let me get to it. The other day she let me brush out a bit, but I am at a loss with what to do. Are there any products or methods that could make the process easier? I have fine hair and have no experience in how to deal with hers.Thank you in advance!

@GalaxyGirl24 attached is a picture of the instrument of torture.
I am not sure what styles she likes, she will only wear it up in a bun on top of her head. She will very occasionally - like once a year- indulge me and wear it down in the house, but she has not worn her hair any other way for about 4 years! It is like her security thing. She hates being noticed and just wants to blend into the background.
That is really interesting about dying hair in jersey. Will try that. Thank you also for the youtubers. I will get her to look.

Just seen the rest of these messages. Thank you all, this is brilliant!
@lydia2021 Yes! Twisted Sister was really good on her hair. I'm not sure why we stopped using it. I had forgotten about it!

@Scratchpostkitty

P. S I have never brushed it bone dry. We use palmer coconut oil spray, which has been about the most decent priduct so far and fairly cheap. I'd like to find a decent conditionong hair mask though. We are yet to find anything good.

You need to order aunt Jackie leave in conditioner. You can mix it with water to make penetrate better. They can be found between in superdrug. www.superdrug.com/Hair/Hair-Conditioners/Leave-In-Conditioner/Aunt-Jackie's-Quench-Moisture-Intensive-Leave-In-Conditioner/p/790383

Others stores are even cheaper if you look around.

@KingAlex She said she doesn't want it braided. I did suggest that a while ago, but as I said, she only will have it in the same style: a bun on top of her head. She is a very under-confident child, so always sticks to the same thing.

@debbrianna Brilliant, thank you!

I'm on a Facebook group called Sensible Curly People UK. There's loads of information on there for all types of curls and I've found everyone to be really supportive

This shampoo is really good too. I am aware a few people might disagree with it. No harm in trying it.

www.superdrug.com/Hair/Hair-Conditioners/L%27Oreal-Elvive-Oil-Shampoo-for-Dry-Hair-400ml/p/250127

For conditioner I let dd sit for 10-15 with this one. It's in boots. www.boots.com/shea-moisture-/shea-mositure-hair-care/shea-moisture-raw-shea-butter-restorative-conditioner-10204140

The oils you have already should be great for sealing in the moisture.

@Scratchpostkitty, if she's wearing her hair up permanently in a bun and has it down once a year, it may not be 4C. Knowing your DD's hair type and texture will determine which products and methods you use.

www.naturallycurly.com/hair-types

@Soma Sorry, it is probably my terminology. It is actually a high pony tail, but is bun-shaped so I call it that. It would be extemely difficult do do an a true bun as it's hard to manipulate like that. From everything i've seen, I think her hair is 4c. I would love to photophaph it, but I doubt she would let me!

It won't just go down, witbout a lot of help. Just stays in the bun shape. It takes wetting and putting some kind of product onIt never goes totally 'down' either, if you get my meaning!

Afro hair tends to grow upwards not down, that is normal for the type of hair she has.

I think it's a big ask for afro hair to grow down. The help I have given is to help you comb/brush and finger comb the hair.

@Scratchpostkitty - I'm rubbish with my dds hair, curly girl didn't work particularly well either. When she was little I used to wash it, condition, comb and put into little bunches with a two twist plait and beads so it always looked lovely. Other times I'd blow dry it out with a comb and put it in two and she looked adorable. Once secondary school hit there was no way she would let me do any of that anymore so I take her to a hair dressers now - sometimes she just has cainrows, sometimes she has extensions in the cainrows. As its always up her hair has grown, and her hair never grew before. Its expensive but worth it and she is happy with how it looks.

African style extensions are different then Jamaican style extensions, African style extensions are a lot heavier on her head. Either way they last absolutely ages and dd loves that she doesn't have to do her hair/have her hair done everyday!

OP read up and learn about traction alopecia. If your daughter insists in keeping her hair up in a bun/pony tail she is at risk from suffering from it.

Also you may notice that posters are telling you to do different things - this is because it works for their own and/or their child(ren)'s hair. It is very important you and your daughter work out what works for her hair. Start by working out her hair curl type, density and strand size then go on from there.

We tried the curly girl method and it was not for us.it lasted for about 3 weeks. First week was great. It also felt time consuming.

@debbrianna Oh yes, I'm not expecting it to go completely down, nor would I expect it too. It was just another poster was asking if I was correct about my DD's hair type and I was just trying to explain that when I say wear it down, I just mean not in the usual pony/bun style.
I will try curly girl, but at the moment, she still isn't letting me get to it properly and yes, it does look a bit time consuming.
@Shinesun14 It is very difficult when they get old enough to have an opinion, but are not really able to manage their hair tbemselves. I've suggested all sorts to DD and said I will take her to the hairdresser, but no, not interested. I think some of the kids at school and their reactions to her hair in the past have made her very self- concious. She won't like braids, cain rows etc as it would draw attention to her in a sea of straight-haired blondes (OK, I'm exaggerating , but you get my point).
I have not heard of traction alopecia, but I can guess what that is @RedMarauder. I try not to do it too tightly and I think attempting to make her stop wearing it like that would not go down well. She will not be seen in public with any other style. I mean never. It is like her security blanket. I am hoping she will grow in confidence as she gets older and wear it out sometimes.

@CottonPyjamas Great, thank you. Will join. I might learn something for myself too. I have wavy/curly hair.

Only detangle hair when wet, using plenty of conditioner easier done in 2-4 sections. Maybe she can help with this to get her used to doing it Independently. Keep shampoo to a minimum like once a week maybe but you can do a conditioner wash and detangle as many times as u need.
I use a regular hard backed hair brush but the bristles are well spaced apart, I've broken many combs and fancy brushes trying to get them through my hair! I use any old conditioner to detailed then I rinse out and apply a nice one and leave it on a while. I dont know about anyone else but I squeeze the excess water out of my hair then apply an oil moisturiser and air dry. I chopped most of my hair off recently but when it was longer I would let the product soak in/dry a little, then pop it in 1 or 2 plaits till next morning. Sometimes pop a bandana or something on top if I was wanting to keep the plaits in.
The product I use is called ORS Olive oil, I use the oil moisturising hair lotion infused with castor oil. It's is a nice product, I prefer this to cantu personally. And as there's 3 of us in the house who need to use it I find it's good value, you can pick it up in tesco for under a fiver x

We follow the curly girl method on my son's tight coils.

I wash with Faith In Nature Blueberry conditioner only. I often buy it on Amazon when on offer for around £3-4. You can also buy it in Home Bargains. You shouldn't need conditioner.

Then I use a conditioner bar by a company called Soaps For Little Suds as a leave in. I completely soak his hair in it until it's white and then dry on low heat to soak it in. They cost £6 and I've had two since September 2020, and still have about 1/3 of my second bar left.

When soaked in Faith In Nature, I comb his hair with a Denman brush. I found that a wide tooth comb was too wide for his coils and it missed half of them. I hold at the root of his hair when combing out so there's no pain for him.

I have included prices there to show how affordable it is for us.

This photo is his hair 80% dry.

@TokenGinger

We follow the curly girl method on my son's tight coils.

I wash with Faith In Nature Blueberry conditioner only. I often buy it on Amazon when on offer for around £3-4. You can also buy it in Home Bargains. You shouldn't need conditioner.

Then I use a conditioner bar by a company called Soaps For Little Suds as a leave in. I completely soak his hair in it until it's white and then dry on low heat to soak it in. They cost £6 and I've had two since September 2020, and still have about 1/3 of my second bar left.

When soaked in Faith In Nature, I comb his hair with a Denman brush. I found that a wide tooth comb was too wide for his coils and it missed half of them. I hold at the root of his hair when combing out so there's no pain for him.

I have included prices there to show how affordable it is for us.

This photo is his hair 80% dry.

Shouldn't need SHAMPOO. Not conditioner. Apologies.

Thank you all. Fantastic advice. @TokenGinger Your son's hair is gorgeous.

I'd be tempted to get it braided so that it's more or less maintenance free.

Thank you very much. I adore his hair x