1st time my dc was racially abused

[Cocoabutterkim]

As a black mum you always know the day will come where your dc are racially abused but god it still feels like a big fucking kick to the gut. The N word was used by another child at school to put my dc in their place.

I remember my first time vividly and feel sad that even this many years on my dc has experienced the same thing at primary school. They are the fairest of my dc so I’d almost assumed that the ‘privilege’ they have would limit this behaviour but they are the 1st to receive it.

I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m dealing with school constructively so far etc and dc is fine

Just in case this thread pops up in “Active”. This is a contribution to the Black Mumsnetters board which was established to be a safe space for black women and allies to discuss issues of interest black women, from racism to African history, from black hair care to culture-specific issues in relationships. If you feel triggered, nothing here is an attack on you. I would hate for a thread centering black experience to be hijacked so that it ends about centering those who may have hurt feelings because this discussion may be uncomfortable for them. Thank you!

Thank you @RedMarauder

I’m so sorry 💐 I got called the P word quite a few times when I was little. It makes my stomach drop to hear this. I hope your little one is ok 🙁

@Cocoabutterkim

You are more than justified in feeling sad about this. I’m white but my son is mixed race. The first time it happened to him was a sobering wake up call to us both as he did not experience anything until secondary school.
His school had a zero tolerance policy and were all over it. Never happened again in school.
Hope your boy is OK

I'm sorry that your kid got overtly racially abused by another child.

I guess you are going to have to have the talk with all your children that it doesn't matter on their skin complexion to others they are just black, so people will both covertly and overtly let them know that.

Shocking a child even knows that word , how old are the kids ?
I'd guess the perpetrator has some safeguarding issues if they are being exposed to words like that in inappropriate films or god forbid live in their own home

How is the school dealing with this

@RedMarauder

Just in case this thread pops up in “Active”. This is a contribution to the Black Mumsnetters board which was established to be a safe space for black women and allies to discuss issues of interest black women, from racism to African history, from black hair care to culture-specific issues in relationships. If you feel triggered, nothing here is an attack on you. I would hate for a thread centering black experience to be hijacked so that it ends about centering those who may have hurt feelings because this discussion may be uncomfortable for them. Thank you!

This post should be pinned on top of ALL threads on BlackMN I think

Im sort sorry @Cocoabutterkim It's just fucking pants. I remember when my daughter had something derogatory said about her skin colour by classmates. She was tiny and doesn't even remeber it now. But her teacher called me in to update me of what had happened. I actually bawled in front of the teacher it does affect you more as their parent

My DD had her first and thankfully only to date racist experience at swimming lessons in February 2020. Absolutely horrendous and I will never, ever forget it or the little shit who said it to her.

Nothing useful to add but I'm sorry your DC had to be subjected to that💐.

It says alot about the hateful household the other child must come from.

I'm so sorry to hear this, makes me feel so angry about how some children are being raised. No child is born with prejudice like this. I hope the school are coming down hard on this.

I'm sorry OP. Glad you are engaging with the school to sort it out. I genuinely hope there are consequences for the perpetrator

I'm so sorry.
Angry and sad to read this.
May your child thrive and grow through your love.

I remember dd being called a name by boy in her class when she was 5 and she told the teacher who dealt with it appropriately including contacting the boy’s parent.

The parent was very upset NOT about the offence to dd but that her son had been accused of the offence. They didn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour at home, he would never do such a thing etc. Implicit victim blaming.

The teacher was having none of it.

So sorry OP. Nothing useful to say. I have nieces, the whole family (1st generation migrants) is preparing for the 1st time overt racism happens to the girls and they understand this. We moved as adults and don't know what to expect for the kids but we know something will happen based on our experiences, want to be on same page on how to deal support each other. People don't realise how much of a burden racism is.

I’m just so sorry, this makes me so sad.

My daughter received her first colorist remark in her first year of life and I was crying non stop for the first year and couldn’t recover. I can’t imagine how it would be like if it’s racial slurs.. devastating.

However I made a story for my daughter, she is only 2, and son is 3, brought different roses and flowers and asked her which one did she think the bees liked most to make honey.. and son told me all of the flowers were nice.. and bees liked all of them because she can make honey from them.

And I keep using that for now as my metaphors without referring to the real issue until they start noticing. But building my foundations and I feel it helped me feel like I’m counter attacking the upcoming threat to her self esteem.

She loves flowers now and keeps pointing out to all the fascinating colours and I keep telling her how I love all the colours of the flowers and that it’s exciting when a flower is a New colour and is unique.

My son who is blond is Involved in the conversation and I’m particularly trying to target his understanding so that he does not give in to manipulation that idolises his colours against hers to put her down.

We aren’t black (though I do have some small percentage heritage) but we are of mixed heritage but I thought maybe I’d share in case you might find approaching the topic from a metaphoric and neutral angle helps build the principle for when they’re ready to notice it and need it.

So sorry OP, I'm glad the school is being supportive. And don't worry I think we all understand why you're posting, I'm trying hard to keep racism and victimisation out of my own dd life. So I'd probably try my hardest to brush it off and carry on as normal irl but you've got to vent somewhere...

That one little action from another child is so significant because kills the fantasy in our head that maybe, possibly, hopefully our children will be spared... and the shit we had to deal with will just die with our generation.

Sorry your child had to be exposed to that. It is devastating, but hopefully be short lived and put behind you all

Something similar happened in Year 1 at DS' school. The (white) child's mother was very apologetic to the (Ghanaian) child and his mother. His mother was devastated because she now had to have 'the talk' with her son, and its no longer some hypothetical situation, his friend was now involved. Her DS didn't even know what the N word meant, it was another child who reported the incident to the teacher. Very sad situation but kids can brush these things off if they don't occur too often.

'Kill the fantasy' is a perfect way to describe it @SkedaddIe. My DS1 drips confidence and self-esteem, I don't want to insert nonsense into his life 😭

Sorry to hear this OP - my son experienced being call the N word in yr6. He felt so embarrassed he asked the teacher not to tell the boy off while he was there. The teachers response was that the family were from a certain part of the world (I won't say where) where that language is normal. To be fair he wasn't sure how to deal with it as the boy was quite nasty to lots of children in other ways. Anyway the head teacher dealt with it and called the parents and the boy did apologise to my son. My son also noticed that no other child in the class was able to say to the boy how wrong it was. So he felt a bit alone - only black boy in class. 🥲

I don’t know what to say, I am so mad on your behalf. My son didn’t understand what had been said to his friend so I explained to my white child what racism was and why that word in particular was vile. He just didn’t understand that it was world wide and systematic and grownups were the offenders.

Anyway nothing I’m saying is of any value here. Just needed to say something.

So he felt a bit alone - only black boy in class. 🥲

Oh no.. if the offense was done publically could you ask the school to speak to the whole class about that word being completely wrong ?

He has left the school now - and is now more familiar with the word through books and social media but also understands the meaning now. He recently read a book that used this word frequently.

I remember the first time for my child and it was In Nusery. They tried so hard to dismiss it but hadn’t reckoned on his mom .
It hurt like hell but I kind of knew it would come .

I am a black mixed race woman and have had to deal with this type of shit from within family ( they are all cut off) most of my life with every racist term imaginable

What I hadn’t fully prepared myself for was that sweet little boy seeing the change in attitude to him as he entered his teens. When he realised even before hearing words that negative attitudes to him just existing as a young black teen boy and man, became his reality. It cuts like a knife always and every time

Not matter how hard you try to prepare them you can’t truly fully prepare yourself for the absolute pain you as their parent will also feel .

He is on his journey and knows from where he comes and where he is going to so has taken away much of the power from those who will seek to hurt him .

Now I’m on another journey with a little girl and know I will go through this again having already had to take on the othering that has occurred in school.

Through all this they have me and I am badass and will advocate for them both til my last breath

I am a white female teacher in primary school and am ashamed to say such racism is far too common. We have systems in place to report such incidents, speak to the child using racist language and speak to the parents. My question is how, as a parent, or indeed other teachers who are black, do you think I should approach these incidents? I talk about what such names mean, why they are not acceptable, issue consequences but am I missing something?

@Soontobe60
I think whole class discussions can help but on a larger scale broader teaching of black history - I'm saying this knowing your hands are tied but I really believe that teaching young children about world history is the way forward. Maybe having speakers of different nationalities, looking at overseas curriculums and ways of teaching, partnering overseas schools and creating a penpal system through PSHE. They are just ideas!