African father in law

[Daftpink123]

I dont know if this is the right forum for this but I dont know where else to post it. FIL is African born but UK citizen, DH is born and brought up in UK. I am not African. I am really struggling with FIL and DH keeps telling me its just culture but now I'm thinking "culture" is more of an excuse and I cant stand FIL behaviour anymore.

FIL is so arrogant and lazy. When he comes to see DS1, he sits down immediately and doesnt get up again until its time for him to leave. He wants me to serve him his food to the sofa, take his plate away for him, even I have to give him DS- he wont even go and play with him, DS has to go to him. The world has to revolve around him. FIL keeps telling me, he wants me to have more kids so I can grow "his" family. When I was pregnant with DS and we first told him, all he said repeatedly for months that he was going to be a grandfather. Never once asked about how I was doing in pregnancy, or asked how he can help us with preparing for a baby etc. Its always about him. When he comes over to ours, he sits there on his phone until I give him DS. When DS runs away, hes back on his phone immediately. He even sits there with a headset on the whole time. When he came to see DS the first time he was born, he expected me/DH to make him dinner ( I was 3 days post c-section). He didnt bring us any food or asked if he could help us in any way- not that he needs to help or bring food but the thought would be nice. He then got upset at DH as we werent going to his house frequently enough with the new baby (he lives an hour away and its so hard to travel with a newborn in the early days). We told FIL he is welcome at ours anytime to see DS but he refused to come for a while as he expected us to go to him all the time. Last time he came, as soon as he walked in, he said DS looks the happiest with DH and DH is his favourite parent. It made me sooo angry.

Now he keeps dictating how to bring up DS. He tells me which clubs he wants DS to attend eg football club. But he expects me and DH to pay for it. He makes snide remarks when I told him DS doesnt eat chilli yet and when he saw DS eating avocado for lunch, he pulled a face and remarked why we are giving him that type of food- I have no idea whats wrong with avocados. When we didnt name DS the same name as him, all hell broke loose- how egotistical does one have to be to have a grandchild named after you! There are loads more examples.
MIL has passed away.

I'm sick to death of him and cant stand to see him anymore. Its got to the point, I secretly want DS to dislike him so we dont have to see him much. DH has tried talking to him but FIL wont listen and DH says he just doesnt understand my viewpoints at all. FIL now thinks I'm uppity and a "snowflake". DH feels torn and now I dont think hes doing enough to sort out his father's rude,,lazy behaviour which is causing so many arguments.

For African families out there- is this "culture" or am I right in thinking this is arrogant and lazy behaviour? Any suggestions as to what I can do to help FIL see the impact of his actions?

@SkedaddIe @Benelovencd you may not want to get up and help those younger than you,

I'm actually annoyed with this post OP and how you deliberately framed this implying we are lazy and your points are morally superior and the like when I clearly stated that I agreed with @Skedaddle that I too would find an elder standing up in my house to help themselves as a slight, because of the cultural complexities and nuances that are unique to my culture and how actions themselves are a language on their own that an outsider may perceive superficially when they have another meaning to them just like the double speak in British English and how one learns to navigate them.

You are committed to see anything different from your norm negatively and paint such a horrible picture through your narrow lens that you can't even say let'sagree to disagree without throwing in a dig. I'm actually quite annoyed about it and this is exactly why proximity to Blackness does not grant you access to Black spaces just like being a father to daughters and married to a woman doesn't grant you access to woman only spaces
This is the type of situation that always arises. It's the last time I respond to a non-Black poster's thread on BMN. Really not amused.

@Benelovencd

I thought the same as you but I decided to reply to another thread and not give it my energy.

OP was defensive and intentionally obtuse.

I really like your replies and I've seen your name pop up in a few times in threads not just on BMN. Don't be discouraged you're definitely appreciated and especially on BMN.

Thank you @SkedaddIe. I will take your advice and move my energy elsewhere. (Love your posts too btw).

1. Find reasons/excuses to put FIL off visiting. Leave your DH to do visits to FIL's home.
2. Go out when FIL visits your home.
3. When you can, move - about 200 miles away.

You won't change your FIL but it sounds as though you have a DH problem - he should be putting you and his child first.

Well exactly.

The original post was 'FIL behaves like this. I think it is lazy and arrogant. Is this cultural?'

Is laziness and arrogance specific to black people? You are truly asking that question on BMN?

The OP then goes on to say 'the aunties tell him off for his behaviour'. Now, to me, if ONE person you know from a certain culture behaves in a certain way, and the others do not, it likely isn't cultural. But if you need to cling on to that idea, so be it. This, despite the fact that many men from many different cultures behave this way which should show you it is not just Nigerians, you still want to believe this, so be it.

About the black tax people. Many people help out their parents. I remember when the Oscar Pistorius trial was happening they criticised her parents for continuing to accept money from him even after he was charged with her murder, and that their daughter had given them money too.

Some people just do.

Anyone who comes onto BMN to ask these kinds of questions is a lazy and arrogant thinker. Please take it to the rest of MN where you'll find people happy to run down black people.

And look to your children, because your ignorant attitudes about black people will impact them as they are being raised by you, let alone your FL who visits every so often.

Eh eh.

I raised the issue with black tax. Based on my family's experience and people I know. I feel there is a lot of reliance of the more nicer people in the family to their detrement. Maybe that post was the wrong thread.

The being required to cook for her father inlaw after giving birth is a dh problem. This says she took offence cooking for father inlaw coming and not the dhs. If he was helping out, this would not be a problem as it wouldn't be her problem becuase dh is already cooking.

@Sugarintheplum

You will find male chauvinism in all cultures and communities. That your family, OP, is not like this is NOT because they are not African. That big fool Rees-Mogg is not at all African, thank you lord, and hasn't changed even one of his 6 children's nappies. It might take on certain cultural hues depending on where the man is from, but sexist men who lack in empathy, which is how your FIL appears to be, are everywhere.

I'm truly sick of the way black fathers are decried.

THIS!

I see you've specified Nigeria. That is not Nigerian culture. That is a rude overbearing man.

But the points I can made are generalisations and generalisations for on Nigerian culture - there are huge cultural, religious, etc differences within Nigeria. Patriarchal attitudes are stronger in some regions than others, for example.

To a large extent patriarchy was introduced to Nigeria by colonisation. Nigeria cultures are generally hierarchical based on age. So there will be an element of your father in law being your elder and therefore someone you need to defer to and respect. However, that does not equate to laziness, rudeness, etc.

Nigerians are generally, more direct and 'blunt' than the British (Germans are generally more direct than the British too - lots of other cultures/social norms are). So your FIL saying what he thinks and offering an opinion on how you raise your son isn't unusual.

There are demanding, rude individuals in every culture. There are sexist individuals in every culture. Learning more about your DH's heritage might help you distinguish between what is cultural and what is personality.

Being understanding of cultural differences doesn't mean putting up with anything and everything that makes you uncomfortable and that you dislike. There is a balance.