I'm black but AVOID race topics at all costs. Anyone else the same?

[Dojasayso]

NC for this one as its probably controversial.

I'm a black woman who grew up in the white middle class countryside.

Growing up my friends were all white, my childhood sweethearts and even a lot of my immediate family such as stepdad etc.
I went to uni in a way more diverse city though.

Now as an adult, I have a professional career where my colleagues are 90% white, my partner is white and so are 95% of my friends.

I find my life to be so racially opposing on both sides that I hate race topics altogether. It really affects my mental health.

If the subject of race comes up such as BLM, meg and Harry etc. I just try and change the subject or give vague replies. My reasons for this are:

1. White people will never truly understand. So I find myself explaining and educating which is SO SO draining and I get frustrated and upset by the ignorance and denial.

1. I've seen people I love and respect say unintentionally ignorant things in discussion then get defensive when pulled up on causing tension. I've then never viewed them the same affecting my relationships with them in the future.

1. I end up somehow becoming the spokesperson for all black people instead of my views just being MY views, I don't want them taken as gospel and the view of ALL black people.

Then I also avoid race topics with other black people. You think it'd be therapeutic for me to speak to those who understand. But more often than not the opposite is true. My reasons for this is:

1. Due to my upbringing not many other black people have the same background as me so cannot relate. I feel culturally very different.

1. A lot of other black peoples inner circle is mainly black and not white people. So they of course work with and see white people daily at work and whatever, but don't have the intimate relationships with white people I do.

So I actually get offended by some sweeping generalisations made about white people when discussing race topics.

1. Black people are not a monolith. We are not a hive mind. Yet I find other people within my own race seemingly thinking we do which goes against the very racism we try to fight. I've been called 'oreo' and other terrible names by other black people. Because I like the opera, go to the horse races for ladies day, attend the odd golf tournament and love me some nickleback and dolly parton! It upsets me greatly because I want us to be seen as individuals nor stereotypes. I find that the 'white things' i enjoy are actually associated with the middle/upper class. Why do we mock each other for doing anything outside of our stereotyped box? Surely we should be pushing others of our race to expand our knowledge and experiences. It doesn't mean your not proud of your blackness. You just may also enjoy dancing to dolly patron whilst you get ready in the mornings or attending the odd rock gig.

1. Colourism and dysfunction. When previously dating, I only ever experienced Colourism when dating black men. When dating white men, I was black but that was that. I actually felt most conscious of my 4A hair type and dark skin when dating black men. My white exs and current partner have given me nothing but compliments. Its a non-issue.

Yet other black people seem to have a lot to say about black women dating out. Also in the black community dysfunction is completely ignored so long as there's 'black love' Also sexism and homophobia in the black community is rife. Its like stepping back in time. This goes against my personal values and ethics.

There are many other reasons why I avoid race discussions but those are the main points I think.

I've recently come to the realisation that every time I do enter any type of race discussion with either black or white people, I come away feeling drained and disheartened. It actually does affect my mental health.

I feel like I can't escape these discussions though. Its everywhere!! I wish I could just opt out but I can't. I can't sit back and listen to ignorant comments. But I haven't the mental energy to have the discussions either.

Does anyone else feel like me? I feel very alone. Like an outsider looking in to both sides of the coin.

@Sugarintheplum sorry for the late response. When I said this is the problem I meant by the “black standard” it’s so harsh sometimes one grandparent is white. You cannot assume things... my mum is mixed race and my dad is full black if you met me and I started speaking about horses and so on @Grinch48 similar to this poster (I never had a horse by the way) it’s life!! Life is unfair it’s not always about race and even if that is the case it’s not necessarily that persons fault. We have to just take the good sometimes so if someone is from a well to do back ground maybe that will be a good thing because of a opportunity that may benefit you some how.

It’s interesting that you said that the person should be sensitive I don’t disagree. However black people can be the most insensitive people at times. It works both ways

The food/cooking issue is relatable my dads family up until this day will create a huge issue and I’m 30. I can cook but I can still relate @Grinch48

I find as I get older I care less if people think I'm not black enough. It's funny that you can be judged if you don't cook rice and peas etc....I don't cook it either! I have some friends that I guess they could say they are 'blacker' then me regarding certain things but we're all different for a reason.
When these things affect your mental health then it's a problem and you need support and coping mechanisms to deal with it.
If it suits you not to take part in race discussions... don't do it.
I just want people to treat each other with respect in life.

Dojasayso I fully understand what you are saying. My whole life feels like one big apology/fight it is tiring and there are many times as I have matured where I no longer have the energy. It comes at you from all angles constantly. I’m being very very brief as I haven’t the time just now but there have been numerous times that I have thought to start similar conversation and stopped myself thinking no-one will really understand.

I find really interesting that rice and peas I'd a sign of blackness when in reality only a minority black eat it. The same with cooking. Not every black person can cook. I also agree with those who said tge havnt heard the word orea in awhile. The last time this came up it was regarding sidique Khan when he was standing for London mayor and I don't even remember why or context?

Sorry for replying on a black mumsnetters thread but my siblings are black (half siblings) and we've always avoided the topic like the plague, it just all feels so uncomfortable because we all love each other so much.
I think "the interview" was the first time we all discussed it together and quite a lot of things came to light.

I'm 60 years old and we haven't talked about it in all those years.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky it’s good to have your feedback. I hope it was ok discussing the things that came to light and it makes you all stronger as a family unit. I felt sad to see how long it took to talk about this subject but I understand the reason why.

@TeaAddict235 yes my comment was harsh because the last time someone said something about names to me I just gave them a stare and asked them to explain what they meant.

Lots of traditional "white" names are actually biblical, and as there are lots of religious black people it is hardly surprising they are given biblical names.

I think nearly everyone British I mix with above about 38 has watched the "Fresh Prince" so it has been said there to me are no black middle class people.

I suspect a lot of experiences are not only class and location specific but also age specific.

Please excuse me for adding to the comments - I’m furloughed, it’s a quiet afternoon so out of curiosity I’m browsing various Mumsnet sections.

It did make me a bit sad to read OP that with white friends you tend to keep quiet on subjects of race. Yes I can understand why and yes I imagine you’ve experience of meeting non comprehension & contending with that would be hard going. But unless we have these conversations, particularly with people we care about then we’re all going to remain in our silo’s.

I’m white. My closest friend who I’ve known since school is Black as is my mixed raced eldest daughter. Both are political, especially my daughter. I genuinely don’t consider myself racist but speaking to both of them over the years on certain issues has challenged my perspectives and occasionally my view of myself as oh so liberal. Doesn’t always make me comfortable & I definitely don’t always agree but we need these conversations. The interview with Meghan and Harry last week was case and point - a real ‘why the hell are they doing this & selling their family down the river in public?’ from my white middle class perspective and something more fundamentally important about British Society to them. So don’t keep your views to yourself -white people might not get it, might not have experienced it & just might not agree but things sure as hell aren’t going to get better if people keep schtum.

No they aren’t going to get better SJaneS49 and there are times I speak up many many over the decades and my mother before me,

[quote Dojasayso]@Sugarintheplum may I ask, what do you mean by 'basking in whiteness'?

I am quite intrigued?[/quote]
When I think of the black people who 'bask in whiteness' this is basically what I think of.

Little Britain's only gay in the village caricature.