Can dating preferences be racist?

[BabyBee93]

Just been on another thread discussing dating preferences to do with height and the conversation moved to racial preferences while dating.

My question is, can racial preferences when dating be racist?

Full disclosure: I'm white and my husband is black. I have never dated white men. Simply don't find much about them appealing. I've been told in the past, by a white man, that my choosing not to date them was racist. I don't agree because I don't see any racism in my personal, natural preference - I have nothing against white men, I'm just not interested in them in a sexual/relationship way. But say for example that a white man were saying he preferred not to date a black woman, would there be an issue there? (a poster on the other thread said this could be racist)

Looking to see a different perspective than my own and would hate anyone to cause/receive offence so please be nice!

Hmm. This is interesting.

Frankly, I think it's racist. I'm a black woman who has dated black men in the past and been treated very shabbily. Due to this, I never match with a black man on a dating site. Might this be considered racist? Yes.

I think the thing is to see every human as equal regardless of colour. If you then say you're excluding a race (even if you belong to same race), it is the anti-thesis of equality isn't it?

Can I ask: why do you not find white men attractive?

(Majority of the white women I've spoken with, who prefer black men, have said it's because of their dicks. That made me uncomfortable)

This is an interesting debate which I've thought about before. I'm a white woman on a dating site and I don't specify any preference by race, but I've never found someone non-white attractive to look at. But I also don't find people with tattoos or shaved heads attractive so for me it's less about race and more about what you're attracted to. I think putting this in the context of dating sites changes the discussion as you 'meet' the appearance first, whereas if I was meeting someone in real life I may fall for their personality at the same time which could over ride the appearance.

No. Would not being attracted to someone with blonde hair be discrimination? Obviously not. Its preference! Racists, true racists, believe they're superior to another race, this is not the case with preference. If a black man only found black women attractive or if a white woman only found white men attractive, that doesn't mean they hate the other race and thinks their race is superior to the other, it means they have a preference!

Mine is preference my husband who is white I am black...I grew up in a black household and saw how my brothers/Dad treated women and my sisters boyf treated she's now married to someone who is white...my parents are still together but it's a toxic relationship, my brothers are all either divorced or in toxic relationships its really put me off I dated a black guy at college and he was an arse far too much drama in everything while white friends were having a nice time or it seemed they did...I dated two white guys at uni and one was an arse who saw me as a fetish i didn't see it at the time the other I was attracted to I wasn't really attracted to the black men at uni...too much American gangster crap or incredibly arrogant couldn't take rejection...I think I saw too much of my family in them.

My husband and I just live a chilled life we bicker sometimes but that's about it there's no major drama...we live a simple comfortable life and the biggest thing is i'm attracted to his mind and body, we talk, we go out, we go on hols we have a real mix of friends, my siblings/friends who are in all black relationships don't tend to be this way.

Interesting. I think cultural background is more of an issue than race - I dated an Indian descent Christian which worked fine but the Hindi guy I met, Indian born we just were too different. How much melanin in their skin matter not, it's what's inside that counts.

I knew a guy (white) who really wanted to sleep with a black woman and I felt like he fetishized black women which also seems kinda racist.

I don't think preference alone is racist... Its one if those cases of some people with a racial preference in dating are racists but all racists will likely have a racial preference when dating. I think even people who date multiple races (i fall into this category) still tend to be more attracted to one race for whatever reason. Some times it's purely aesthetic sometimes it's for other reasons.

Another thing to consider is that your first sexual encounter has a very large influence on who you are attracted to and that can be largely just situational. If it's a good experience it might lock you into finding people who look similar attractive and if it was bad it might turn you away from them (or attract you in some cases)

(Majority of the white women I've spoken with, who prefer black men, have said it's because of their dicks. That made me uncomfortable)

Yes, I've heard this. It made me feel really uncomfortable, especially as I have two sons in their twenties.

Agree with a PP - I don't think a preference / attraction to a particular type of person is racist. I also don't think it is racist, for example, to say as Black woman with (say) Nigerian heritage, that I find men from my own culture as my attractive and exclusively date them.

I do, however, think it becomes very sticky when we come across issues of colourism (especially within the Black/Asian community, where 'preference' for lighter skin or mixed race is actually deeply ingrained in other factors, and in the way some people fetishise dating other races eg "swirl" obsessed people).

The way I always see this is that you can't help who you're attracted to. BUT, it's wrong to say things like 'I don't find white people attractive' or 'I don't find Chinese people attractive'.

What you SHOULD say, is 'I've never met a Chinese person who I've found attractive.' So you're not ruling the entire race out, and are accepting the fact that you may, in the future, find someone attractive from that race.

There isn't much unusual about not finding other races attractive, by the way. It's engrained in us as humans to 'stick to what we know' so to speak, and to try to reproduce to keep our own race going and the bloodlines strong.

It's racist when you say 'I don't like men of x ethnicity because they are all 'y' (insert generalisation abiut done inferior feature here)'

It's also racist when you say 'I like men of 'x' ethnicity because they of 'y' (insert stereotype here).

I think it's a good idea to reflect on your preference if it does appear it is quite narrow. I know why I prefer black men being black woman. I'm very much aware of where that comes from and everyday I'm doing things that reinforce that preference (affirmations with my black children and son, for example). I've seldom watched pork, but recently a group of us were talking about it and when I said I couldn't remember a time I'd ever watched pork my friends told me about Wesley Pipes. Anyway, that's another story. But I went to watch some and I was

Ooops.

Yes so, I found my reactions were different when watching actors of different ethnicity and gender actually. Tbh it kinda bored me. I can see how sexual preference 'feels 'natural'. But watching that porn i was never more aware of how much conditioning I've endured (and had to work at undoing).

If you are rejecting every man from your community some severe conditioning had been done to you, imo.

Sorry, this stupid new phone has weird predictive text, producing lots of typos because I'm too lazy to check through!

For me it’s cultural & personality differences. I’m South African Indian and due to apartheid and segregation, I grew up in an area that was predominantly Indians. Until the age of 26 my boyfriends and an ex H were SA Indians but the relationships never lasted that long.

They were mummy’s boys, obsessed with having expensive things like clothes, fast cars & I always needed to get fully involved with their friends & families while neglecting my own. I thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met someone who wasn’t like the above and rushed into a marriage. The changes happened gradually, but he became like all the others. Final straw was when he said it was time to start having babies.....I was adamant from the beginning of our relationship I did not want kids ever and he said he was fine with that.

Destiny came calling - my company offered me a promotion that was based in their London office. I was divorced and in the UK within months and dating every colour, shape & size under the sun except Indians. I eventually got married to a very English white man and we’ve been together 15 years.

I know men of other races can have the same characteristics but it seemed like every SA Indian guy I knew (even my family) & a number of British Indians were the same so unfortunately it put me off dating my own culture.

The way I always see this is that you can't help who you're attracted to. BUT, it's wrong to say things like 'I don't find white people attractive' or 'I don't find Chinese people attractive

I agree with this. I’m generally attracted to men who are not white. However, if I met a white guy that I clicked with and had good chemistry I’d go out with him. It just hasn’t happened yet but I wouldn’t rule it out as an impossibility, it’s simply not been part of my dating life up until this point (plus I’m married now lol).

This is interesting. I’ve dated men of different races but these days I usually do not find myself attracted to white men. My first couple of romantic relationships were white men and they weren’t positive. I’ve always assumed my preference was about physical appearance but maybe I have developed an aversion after some bad experiences.

I think it is, but not in a way that matters or can even be helped. My preferences have always been pretty narrow. I was born and raised in the UK and I'm not white, but my preference isn't for my race or for white people.

It's been like that as long as I can remember and I haven't dated anyone outside of that race. I couldn't even tell you where it came from. I probably wouldn't pursue a relationship with someone outside of that demographic either. There just isn't any point.

In the same sense, if preference for obese partners, I wouldn't waste my time with partners who were not obese. If there are plenty of people around who fit my preferences, there isn't really any need to branch out.

Yes it's "I'M not attracted to" NOT 'THEY are not attractive"

I've never dated anyone out of my ethnic group, my socio economic group, who hasn't had education at level 6 or above, under 6ft tall...

I'm so boring

I went thro a stage of only dating black men too.

I am white middle class and we were abused by our mother. Quite nastily. She thought she was it, spending our dads money and making out she was better than everyone else while hitting her children and interfering with them. They played a lot of classical music and I played the violin and piano. But I was treated like the black sheep of this middle class family and I just sought escape from the whole sorry lot of it.

Cut to music college for my degree, I've left home now and my music tastes are vastly changing. I always loved anything blue and there were all these records, Millie Jackson, Shirley Brown. There were a few black people at the college and I made friends with a 6'4 man from inner London. We used to wax lyrical like nobs about music, play choons for each other etc. Him and his other black friends were so surprised I liked music as much as I did. I got with that tall man and loved him for 5 years. I'd never fancied a black man before but he opened the floodgates.

To me, it was a route away from my shit upbringing. He was totally different for me. And the whole 'you're a failure within your class's issue just wasn't there. And it coincided with me learning all these classic soul albums. I didn't look at a white man for years. I then got into house music too and had DJ friends, doing me tapes of mixes. My dating was very bound up with the music I was listening to. I used to have music lovers come up to my bedroom with their record boxes and many or most of them were black people.

I think it came to an end in my mid20s when I took a break from dating. I think I also read Malcolm X's autobiography and he spoke about white people being overly interested in black people and qsd why. I felt uncomfortable and asked myself why and I was in therapy for the abuse anyway. I also realized I knew very little of the white music of the 60s and 70s and now I play the guitar, still love blues and soul but also love the folk bands and Dylan and CSN, guitar bands, rock music, indie music. And drum and bass!!! I'm engaged to a muscley white man, big and strong with dark hair.

Looking back I was grateful for the break from the sadness and unfairness of my own culture and I took refuge in another culture.

I've had relationships with white, black and mixed (black / white) race men only. Up until my late twenties it was simply a reflection of where I'm from and the schools i went to. The people around me were mostly those races so that was my normal.

Still is really. Though I'm married to a white man, if i was single again, and now being a lot older, i imagine I'd still date a mixture of the same groups of men again.

There's an unfortunate stigma attached to white women who date black men. Not sure if it's still the case these days but 25 years ago it was very much a thing. First it was assumed you only dated black men (not true for me). You were looked down on in the white community, called awful names which i won't repeat here, and basically treated like scum. Not all white people obviously but enough for me remember it. The other extreme which i also hated was white women who did only date black men assuming we were in some sort of club together and saying inappropriate things usually of a sexual nature.

I’m mixed race
In my teens my preference was mixed race / white men and I did date a few black men .
My physical attraction is a white men tall over 6ft at least and medium big build prefer dark hair or a dirty blonde 😂 Mr perfect would be Dwayne Johnson 😂
But as I can’t have The Rock My husband is white 6ft 3 medium athletic build dark hair and tans easily 😂 sort of a smaller version of the Rock 😂

I do find a certain type of men attractive but I wouldn’t date a short man but I would date an overweight man rather than a really slim skinny man . God I am fussy cow.

My husband was married before and his ex wife is white . We are about as polar opposite from each other .
But my husband has said that as a man he’s always liked physically mixed race / black women
I think culture and upbringing has a lot to do with it as well . He grew up in a very mixed ethnic area and was one of 2-3 white families in his street .

I grew up in a very white middle class area and most of my younger friends were white or mixed race so I think it’s what I feel most comfortable with
However the only racism from others I’ve ever encountered has been from a certain type of black men because I’m with my white husband

*The way I always see this is that you can't help who you're attracted to. BUT, it's wrong to say things like 'I don't find white people attractive' or 'I don't find Chinese people attractive'.

What you SHOULD say, is 'I've never met a Chinese person who I've found attractive.' So you're not ruling the entire race out, and are accepting the fact that you may, in the future, find someone attractive from that race.*

The way I always see this is that you can't help who you're attracted to. BUT, it's wrong to say things like 'I don't find white people attractive' or 'I don't find Chinese people attractive'.

What you SHOULD say, is 'I've never met a Chinese person who I've found attractive.' So you're not ruling the entire race out, and are accepting the fact that you may, in the future, find someone attractive from that race.*

I agree with this. How do people know for sure that they aren’t attracted to an entire race of people? I find it strange because obviously all races aren’t monolithic and don’t all look the same.

I also agree with a pp that it comes down to cultural and personality preferences for me.

Even though my husband and I are from different countries and different races, our upbringings weren’t that much different, faced similar struggles growing up, and have similar views on a lot of things. Where we differ actually balances us out.

I wasn't really attracted to the black men at uni...too much American gangster crap or incredibly arrogant couldn't take rejection...I think I saw too much of my family in them.

I had this issue too and if you weren’t into that or them you were a stuck-up b**tch. I will admit the most ridicule I have had in life have mainly been from black boys/men since I was a child. Many of them bullied and ridiculed me from the age of 7 and continued even into secondary. I did date some in uni but it always came back to culture and upbringing that made the difference.

@stuckinaloopie

Hmm. This is interesting.

Frankly, I think it's racist. I'm a black woman who has dated black men in the past and been treated very shabbily. Due to this, I never match with a black man on a dating site. Might this be considered racist? Yes.

I think the thing is to see every human as equal regardless of colour. If you then say you're excluding a race (even if you belong to same race), it is the anti-thesis of equality isn't it?

Can I ask: why do you not find white men attractive?

(Majority of the white women I've spoken with, who prefer black men, have said it's because of their dicks. That made me uncomfortable)

It’s nothing racist it’s your preference. However if you was to say I will never even consider dating a blue man the. I think it’s a fine line. If you have had a bad experience it’s understandable as long your not saying I won’t date a white person they are.... XXX because that is nasty and it implies all white people may be like this which is not the case.

Not all are but I think some racial dating preference can stem from racist conditioning. Some from fetishism, which I don't know if it's necessarily racist or not. By fetishism, I mean when someone's reason for wanting to be with someone of a particular race is because of a stereotype or generalisation about that race and not because they happened to fall in love with the person behind the "race". This stereotype or generalisation could range from physical attributes to perceived character or lifestyle.

I worked in the dating industry for 15 years. I would argue that it is racist. Those that say "what about preferring blonde hair?", that is a characteristic, not a race. And if you said you only date blondes i would say you were a bit of a tit.
When thinking about such preferences, it is usually based on a sexual stereotype associated with that race. So you are fetishishing someone's culture.
For example, you don't see many dating websites aimed at women seeking Asian or Russian men. Always the other way round. I wonder why that could be?