What would you have done in this situation?

[Starseeking]

My DS4 started at the nursery attached to a primary school in September. He is one of two Black children in his class, both boys, although there are other ethnic minority children in the class.

Towards the end of September, DS started saying one of the teacher helpers (teaching assistant?) was consistently and continually calling him by the other boys name. He was really bothered by it, as in his words "My name is not A, it's B".

DS has a name which reflects our heritage, the other Black child has an English origin name. I had previously advised his class teacher of how to pronounce his name (phonetically, it's not particularly difficult), and she was fine with it, and has been since day 1.

I emailed the class teacher to raise the issue, and her response was that she would address it with the teacher helper, though I should note that from time to time, teachers get a child's name wrong.

My thought was that if I spoke to her first, and nothing was done, there'd be no record of the initial conversation. Since the email with the teacher, DS has mentioned that the teacher helper now calls him by his actual name, so all good.

I also have a name which reflects our heritage, and having been born and raised in London, and experienced this growing up. While my parents were amazing, as they were first generation from our home country, I never mentioned things like this to them, thinking it would be a bother.

DH did not think I should have emailed the school. His thought was that I should have spoken to the teacher casually about it in the first instance, then if it wasn't dealt with, email them.

My question is whether I am projecting my own experiences onto my DS, whether the misnaming was the issue that I considered to be, and whether you would have raised it, in email or otherwise?

Yes it would bother me. No, it's not a big deal to bring it to the attention of the teacher via email, especially given that you are presumably encouraged not to stop and chat at pick up / drop off at the moment.

Not a big deal. Better you tell the teacher to address the issue promptly than having your child correct the assistant all the time.

An email is better IMO as it’s not always convenient or appropriate to have face to face conversation at drop off / pick up.

With Covid face to face is difficult so we generally email the teacher. Not to keep a record but just because it is easier and safer for everyone.

Thanks for the feedback.

Due to what DH was saying (we were discussing it again last night), I thought maybe I'd made too big a deal of this, but general consensus seems to be that emailing was fine.

@Mishmased

Not a big deal. Better you tell the teacher to address the issue promptly than having your child correct the assistant all the time.

DS had got to the point where he was becoming embarrassed to correct the teacher helper when he mentioned it to me, which is why I thought I had to address it formally.

The TA may move to different classes and be responsible for multiple children

30 children x 5 classes a week is 150 children’s names to remember!

I spent my childhood being called my sisters name at school - it happens - it’s not a big deal

I complete understand your feelings on this and the action you took. Perfectly reasonable. I always make a point of remembering not only someone's name but also how to pronounce it and spell it. I've lost count the number of times my name has been spelled and pronounced incorrectly even AFTER I've corrected them. I do know how to say and spell my name thank you very much! Lol!

I'be been called by the name of a colleague who was completely different looking from me - she's tall, with long blond hair, southern accent, different responsibilities, etc. I'm from the north, short brown hair, shorter than her, etc.

Bottom line, I don't think there was ill intent there, but I also think adressing it by email is fine. Probably less awkward than adressing it in person actually !

I say good for you. I am a twin and was constantly called the wrong name. I also have a name where it can be pronounced two ways, so when not called my twins name it was pronounced incorrectly. I used to always correct the teachers and most made an effort to then get it correct. I had one who just didn't care, after a year of correcting her, I just stopped responding to her. I used to get so cross with it. Emailing was the best way at this time.

@BluebellsGreenbells

The TA may move to different classes and be responsible for multiple children

30 children x 5 classes a week is 150 children’s names to remember!

I spent my childhood being called my sisters name at school - it happens - it’s not a big deal

They don't move around actually. I'm not sure whether it's a nursery ratio thing, or a COVID bubble thing, but either way, the nursery teacher helpers are based ONLY in that room, and no other. The same 25 children, all day every day, for at least 3 straight weeks at the time my DS mentioned it to me.

I think you did the right thing.

Last year I emailed my DS's teacher as the TA was constantly spelling his name wrong and he was just learning to write it.

I think it's fine that you emailed. And your ds should expect to be called by his actual name. An occasional mistake is OK, but constantly being called by the wrong name us not.
I have noticed in my work (not in a school) that some staff members are unwilling to even try to pronounce unfamiliar (to them) names and it's a bit shit really. Not saying this is what's happening here, but whatever it is, it's good that you've nipped it in the bud.

You did the right thing, and your son is grateful for what you've done, I'm sure. I had two male Asian friends at school (one was Chinese, the other was Vietnamese) who teachers often mixed up. One day, one snapped and shouted 'I'm not [name]!'. We all felt his pain, especially since he was otherwise a calm boy. While the teacher was busy telling him off for shouting at her, we all piped up and repeated 'his name is [name]!" Hopefully, your efforts will mark the end of this issue for your son

I think the big issue here is with two black boys in the classroom constantly being mistaken for each other. An occasional mistake is not a big problem but when the two black boys in the class cease to be distinct people that is an issue.

While no ill is intended these things are damaging and has lasting impact. Some people may not realise it but it is usual for black people to be mistaken for each other. Apparently they all look alike. This is behind the many wrongful arrest and incarceration of black men in America. They all look alike and anyone of them will do.

So OP I understand why this is a sore point. I understand the history and painful experience behind it. Educating the teacher (although not your responsibility) was the right thing to do. What would have been even better was for the teacher to have questioned herself as to why she keeps doing it, understand the potential impact and addressed it. I’m sure she thought it was no big deal.

If it helps reassure I regularly mix up white kids names xx

@IamthatIam

I think the big issue here is with two black boys in the classroom constantly being mistaken for each other. An occasional mistake is not a big problem but when the two black boys in the class cease to be distinct people that is an issue.

While no ill is intended these things are damaging and has lasting impact. Some people may not realise it but it is usual for black people to be mistaken for each other. Apparently they all look alike. This is behind the many wrongful arrest and incarceration of black men in America. They all look alike and anyone of them will do.

So OP I understand why this is a sore point. I understand the history and painful experience behind it. Educating the teacher (although not your responsibility) was the right thing to do. What would have been even better was for the teacher to have questioned herself as to why she keeps doing it, understand the potential impact and addressed it. I’m sure she thought it was no big deal.

Thanks for articulating this perfectly; I was struggling to explain, even to DH, why I thought this was a problem, and your summary is very helpful.

You handled it well. I remember being 4 and just being called by any of the black children's names or being addressed without a name. My first name reflects my heritage and I love it, my second name is English. The teacher switched my preferred name to what was easier for her. My middle name is lovely and noone made a mistake thereafter but I was gutted as it has followed me everywhere whenever I have tried to use my first name as someone always knows me by my second name or people will hear my second name and start calling me that. My first name is not difficult to pronounce literally take each syllable and I go by a 1 or 2 syllable nickname. I never felt like it was okay for me to bring it up that it bothered me.

Your son did well by telling you and it may be a minor thing to some people but you did very well emailing her and not just a general chat. I'm almost positive a general chat will have led to nothing changing. It may not be an intended slight but it may affect your son quite negatively if not addressed early on. I would have handled it similarly.

I have a name which reflects my African origin, I have given my son an African name too. In my culture, names carry a lot of meaning. They're not just picked out of a hat.

I think you have done the right thing.

@Apricotta In the case of those white children, if it bothered their parents, I would urge them to raise it with the teacher too.

I'm in my 30s now and earlier on in my career used to get called the name of the only other Black person in the building. I didnt say anything and I wish I did.

If your child's name is unique/reflects your background and you'd like him to take pride in his name, I would do exactly as you have done.

Sorry if my tone is serious but I do not play when it comes to names. You will call my child what I named him.

I think you did the right thing.

Working in schools I have witnessed this happening to black students and it has clearly been about race.

When doing my PGCE I was one of only two black women on the Early Years course - we looked nothing alike and one of the lecturers called me by her name.

These issues need addressing and email seems an efficient way of doing so. Why bother waiting until your request has not been met to create a paper trail, it risks prolonging an issue.

Well done for advocating for your son.

@Worried9 one of my experiences happened on my PGCE too! You might be me and I might be you! hahahahaha (except I did PGCE in a secondary subject)

At one of my workplaces a few years ago I witnessed one of my white colleagues mistaking a black colleague for another. It was mortifying. Why? One was a PA to a partner and the other was working with that white colleague in the same professional capacity. It wasn’t the first time that she addressed the black colleague she worked with on a day to day basis and asked her a question she meant to ask the PA.

In that last occasion it was so ridiculous that everyone around felt really awkward and there was a palpable silence. The message was clear without anything being said. I’ll never forget it.

The underlying attitude is you don’t matter, you are invisible, you’re not a person I care to see, hear or respect. You are not important.

The thing is these two women did not look alike. The only thing they had in common is that they are black women. Their skin tone, hair, height, face, size were all different.

I can still feel the embarrassment I felt even though I was not involved.

Starseeking - you did the right thing as seen from the fact that the TA now gets your son's name right. Mentioning it casually may have achieved the same effect but it's on record now that you do take the issue seriously.

I raised this issue some time ago on the AIBU board about my Dd's name being confused with the few other BAME girls in her class all of who had Asian names although my Dd has a french sounding name. She was also confused with girls who unlike her wore glasses or who were much taller, in other words, who were not similar looking apart from skin colour.

I got a lot of comments similar to Bluebells ie that it wasn't a big deal, that teachers had a lot of names to remember etc. Except that it is a big deal to the misidentified person. My Dd was exasperated by it.

Reassuringly, there were some posters who were teachers who said that they made a special effort particularly where the class was mostly white, to learn the names of BAME students as they were very aware of possibly 'othering' or minimising these students.

You did good!

I raised this issue some time ago on the AIBU board about my Dd's name being confused with the few other BAME girls in her class all of who had Asian names although my Dd has a french sounding name. She was also confused with girls who unlike her wore glasses or who were much taller, in other words, who were not similar looking apart from skin colour.
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I got a lot of comments similar to Bluebells ie that it wasn't a big deal, that teachers had a lot of names to remember etc. Except that it is a bug deal to the misidentified person. My Dd was exasperated by it.*

This post of yours @maggiethecat is exactly why I would not personally have posted this on any of the main MN boards. While I can appreciate being told I went about raising the issue in the wrong way, I wouldn't have welcomed minimising from a group of people who have no idea what it's like when someone in authority tries to diminish you to nothing by not being bothered to call you by your name. I have personal experience of this myself.

BMN has been a very useful space for me in this instance.

Thank you for everyone who has commented, it seems the majority thought it was ok to mention this to the teacher by email.