What would you have done in this situation?

[Starseeking]

My DS4 started at the nursery attached to a primary school in September. He is one of two Black children in his class, both boys, although there are other ethnic minority children in the class.

Towards the end of September, DS started saying one of the teacher helpers (teaching assistant?) was consistently and continually calling him by the other boys name. He was really bothered by it, as in his words "My name is not A, it's B".

DS has a name which reflects our heritage, the other Black child has an English origin name. I had previously advised his class teacher of how to pronounce his name (phonetically, it's not particularly difficult), and she was fine with it, and has been since day 1.

I emailed the class teacher to raise the issue, and her response was that she would address it with the teacher helper, though I should note that from time to time, teachers get a child's name wrong.

My thought was that if I spoke to her first, and nothing was done, there'd be no record of the initial conversation. Since the email with the teacher, DS has mentioned that the teacher helper now calls him by his actual name, so all good.

I also have a name which reflects our heritage, and having been born and raised in London, and experienced this growing up. While my parents were amazing, as they were first generation from our home country, I never mentioned things like this to them, thinking it would be a bother.

DH did not think I should have emailed the school. His thought was that I should have spoken to the teacher casually about it in the first instance, then if it wasn't dealt with, email them.

My question is whether I am projecting my own experiences onto my DS, whether the misnaming was the issue that I considered to be, and whether you would have raised it, in email or otherwise?

@Starseeking

You did the right thing. Staying silent and being hush hush about things are no longer options. It’s not your job to spare others the inconvenience or embarrassment of their actions. For far too long people of colour have been made to feel like they are making a fuss over nothing simply because they want to state their right to exist and be. Some people seems to think permission must be granted, approval must be sought, just for people of colour to be seen, heard and acknowledged as equal beings.

You should never second guess yourself for standing up for yourself or your family no matter what the reaction or opinion of others.

[quote IamthatIam]@Starseeking

You did the right thing. Staying silent and being hush hush about things are no longer options. It’s not your job to spare others the inconvenience or embarrassment of their actions. For far too long people of colour have been made to feel like they are making a fuss over nothing simply because they want to state their right to exist and be. Some people seems to think permission must be granted, approval must be sought, just for people of colour to be seen, heard and acknowledged as equal beings.

You should never second guess yourself for standing up for yourself or your family no matter what the reaction or opinion of others.[/quote]

Thanks @IamthatIam.

I would only add that into this year, and specifically after BLM, it really HASN'T been okay for Black people to raise issues that affect those of us who live in the Western world. Anything which makes white people feel uncomfortable around race, Black people usually get told:

• you're imagining things
• you've a chip on your shoulder
• pretend it didn't happen
• you're too focussed on race
• you're a racist yourself(!)

It becomes exhausting explaining all this stuff, all the time, and I completely understand why some Black people give up. It takes its toll on your mental health.

I've built up a high level of resilience to this type of stuff to get to where I am in my professional life, but I still question myself, despite the obvious answer staring me in the face.

@Starseeking I meant it's good you brought it up with the teacher. You probably misinterpreted my 'not a big deal' comment. That was in response to your DH.

My son has always gotten this due to the spelling of his name think Malachi/Malachy and when he corrects people they get it. The lollipop lady called him Mohammed for a whole term as she kept mistaking him for another black child 🤣🤣 he corrected her until she got it. I think you did the right thing I just worded it terribly.

Starseeking - I posted mid summer before BM was established and the thread had almost 500 posts.

There were many posts similar to IamthatIam's upthread about work place experiences that highlighted that BAME people weren't inventing the existence of this casual racism and I expect that minimally it would have been an eye opener for some people.

I’m with your DH. In normal times it’s much better to just casual mention it in person. Other wise it may come across as a big issue/complaint!

The headteacher had called my DS the wrong name for over a year... me and DS make light of it. It’s a name similar though.

I have a Korean friend whose DD was in same class as my DD. One my friend went to collect her DD from her reception class and the teacher brought over the only other East Asian child in the class. So I think there are good practical safeguarding reasons to push this with school.

@Littleyell it is a big issue. Why is it not a big issue in your eyes? Care to explain?

@IamthatIam I have explained. Is it that difficult to comprehend other people’s view point?

It’s not difficult to comprehend the viewpoint of others when they explain them. If you’ve explained why it isn’t a big deal and I’ve missed it then apologies. Care to reiterate?

You did the right thing. I know kids can mistakenly be called the wrong name, but I get why you felt as you do.

You raised the issue politely, which is the best thing. I was the only black child in a couple of my schools, so they never mistook me for anyone else...until a black girl came in my form/tutor class in high school after a school merger.

Onky then did I get called the wrong name.

@IamthatIam

It’s not difficult to comprehend the viewpoint of others when they explain them. If you’ve explained why it isn’t a big deal and I’ve missed it then apologies. Care to reiterate?

Tbh. I wasn’t going to reply. But since your on your high horse....

You tone was quite rude from the start. OP posted and I gave MY opinion (I don’t see what I have done wrong). I can see it doesn’t sit well with you (that’s tough hun).

I agreed with OPs DH.... and what I actually said was “It May come across...”

I never discouraged OP from speaking out on the matter. I just gave my option to go gently because we can all get mixed up @IamthatIam

Opinion*

It is a big deal and I'm glad your son felt confident bringing it up with you.

I get that it's easily done but when I have this kind of issue, I make a concerted effort to pick out some feature of each child to make sure I use the right name eg a wears glasses, b doesn't or a is taller than b.

Especially when they are the only two black kids, it's important to be sensitive as they might feel out of sorts at times anyway.

Emailing a teacher is fine,especially now. I bet they prefer it rather than a face to face chat. You were polite. There was a problem. The problem was solved. I don't see why your DH has an issue with that.

And the issue wasn't that the TA got your son's name wrong, that happens. But she did it several times, using the name of the only other black child in the class.

OP I think you did the right thing. An email can be worded casually rather than formally and it means there’s a record of the conversation. It also means you’re not going to catch the teacher when she’s really busy and it gets forgotten.

Sorry to your DS. It’s frustrating as someone who gets called my the name of the only other black person in my office, even though
we look nothing alike! And I’ve had people tell me I look like X famous black person when the only thing we have in common is skin colour. Agree that this space is really useful for engaging with others who get it.

You absolutely did the right thing.

When I was at secondary school I was only one of two ethnic minority pupils in the class. Teachers constantly got us mixed up, despite her having long hair in a plait and me having short hair in a bob (as well as completely different faces of course!)

Anyway one incident always sticks out for me. One day at a sports day , I was a distance away and was told that the teacher had pointed in my direction and asked another pupil "which one is that?" The teacher then had laughed about not being able to tell the difference between me and the other ethnic minority pupil.

The pupil she asked, thought it was hilarious that me and the other girl could not be told apart, even after the teacher had taught us for 2 years. I was utterly humiliated at being mocked and even at that age picked up on the "you all look the same" connotation.

So well done for standing up for your son.

@Benelovencd This was the tread I was referring to earlier.

*thread

Hey @Starseeking

Thank you. I've had a read through. I'm glad you got it sorted and you definitely did the right thing - you didn't overreact.

I can tell children apart, whatever race they are. I'm not blind. Lazy ignorance is no excuse for pretending to not know one child from another.

You 100% did the right thing..its a microaggression and impact rather than intent is the important factor.

I also think I emailing was the perfect way to raise it. I would hope that she was really embarrassed that this went on in her class, it's just not on.

You did the right thing. I have written to my son’s teacher in the past for similar. Children need to feel respected at school and that their identity (including their name) is respected. Of course everyone can get it wrong too but there’s nothing wrong with respectfully pointing this out. My sons school is really diverse and generally get things like this pretty well. I remember pre covid with at many awards ceremonies names of little boys and girls from all over the globe, European names, African names, Arabic names, South American names, Scandinavian names. The Head never missed a beat, each and every name rolling off her tounge with a genuine ease. It’s a memory I really treasure because it shows me that they value and respect each and everyone of those little children and that she was leading by example. It makes me think of my own school 30 years ago, Anne, Sophie, Peter,Simon.....

Yes you absolutely did the right thing, and I hope the worker is rightfully embarrassed and makes more effort to get your child’s name correct. It’s insulting at best.

I’m one of 4 dual heritage women in my work place and our head constantly calls us each other’s name, it’s humiliating and then when she realises she makes some awkward joke.