Not sure if this would be ok to ask here?

[theresaplaceforus]

I’m mixed race - black mother, white father. I’m also heavily pregnant with my first child who will only be 1/4 black.
I’m having a lot of anxiety that she won’t resemble me in the slightest and I guess I just wanted to say it out loud and I haven’t really been able to voice it all that much. I hope I won’t be judged because I do know she’ll be who she is and loved completely it’s just a niggle that’s all and I want to make sure she is aware of her black roots.

To me the beauty of a page like this is you can share your experience without worrying about being judged or feeling like you need to explain your experience.

In answer to your post, her roots will start with you and whatever you choose to share with her or expose her to will be more than sufficient. As she gets older she will most like come into her own but you are be more than enough. enjoy this beautiful journey

I'm exactly the same as you, and mine resemble me a lot of your anxiety is probably due to the lack of people to talk to about it. I'm glad you came here. My DM constantly tells me that mine resemble me exactly when I was a baby. She fell in love with them on sight!

I knew the likelihood of my children being my shade would be slim. My parents are on the opposite ends of the colour spectrum as were both of their parents and their grandparents and my husband is white. Our oldest came out so pale that my husband wasn’t expecting it which was actually what he said when he first saw him. He looked like he Time-traveled from the 20s tbh lol, but to me, he looked like a little dark-haired cherub, almost like he had this ethereal glow about him. He is 5 now and he has a more golden undertone depending on how active or hot he is (I’m the same way, family trait). My youngest came out a shade or two darker than his brother looking like a little bird and eyes open as if he was absolutely terrified but at almost 3 he is actually lighter than his brother.

My sons are only a few shades from my husband, but they both have a lot of my features. My oldest looks a lot like me at 6 except for being a boy and much lighter. You could put a picture of me as a child next to him and you can easily see the resemblance despite skin colour and hair. Our youngest looks a lot like his brother to the point people think they’re twins despite the almost three year difference so again a lot of my features.

Your child may not have your skintone but they’ll have so much more beyond that as well as having you and your mother to show/teach them about their heritage. 🙂

A friend of mine was in the same position. She worried a lot about this, her baby is now 12 months, she couldn’t be happier. She never mentioned it again. Myself & DH has this conversation too, he was worried our baby would look nothing like him. He’s the spitting imagine of DH. Good luck Op x

I am also mixed race, white DH. First child is a lovely dark tea colour with jet black eyes but had blond curls for the first 4 years which confused everyone 😂. Dc2 more milk coffee with darker hair. I love the colour they go in summer, beautiful dark skin tone. DH very envious as he's totally pale :)

I'm the same & My daughter is 1/4 black. She has reddish/blonde hair, blue eyes, v fair skin with freckles and looks nothing like me! I remember feeling bit worried when I was pregnant but from the minute she was born I didn't think about again.

I have a few nieces and nephews (all 1/4 black) and it's interesting to see how the genetics have worked. Some are very fair and others much darker.

My children are 1/4 black (their father is mixed race and I’m black) and my 3 have turned out a variety of shades from very mixed race looking but with 4b hair to brown skin but curly Hair... Surprisingly, their father had the exact same fears as you do.

This resonates with me. My kids are also 1/4 and don’t really look much like me shade wise although we have some similar features. I’m worried about what their experience of life will be like. Will they identify as black, mixed race etc, I always tick the mixed race box for them and I’m sure they will too but worried that they will be confused about their heritage and the racism they may experience because of me, How that will make them feel and how to explain everything. They are still very young so have not had any conversations but just feels like such large topic to explain. My mum was very honest from a very young age that I was different and I was always aware of racism from a very young age which really prepares me...but I guess it seems so strange to pin that on them given that they don’t look obviously mixed on first encounter. Sorry if this has derailed, just wondering if anyone else has these feelings?

So good to have a space to share these thoughts somewhat freely. Have also had these thoughts, that being a minority and so a higher likelihood of for instance a child of mine having a child with a white british person, that come a few generations beneath me, there would be no hint of my heritage etc. And then feel guilt about these ponderings as it feels like straying into race purity type thinking. I don’t think I’m articulating it very well. As it turns out my son has similar features to me, and another of my fears, that people would think I was the help and not his mother, have not come to fruition to date.
@Wonderwalk I share similar concerns. I feel it likely that my ‘white passing’ child will probably encounter racist views without others realising his own heritage and worry about how to support him to navigate that in the future too.

@Wonderwalk yes, I sometimes find myself worrying about similar things. I feel like my heritage is way more than just a quarter of what they are, I just wonder if they'll feel that way growing up or if it will fade into the background as they socialise. I know how teens like to rebel, I'd hate that to be what they rebel against. One of my first memories in the playground as a child was my black friend running up to me crying, because our white friend had told her she couldn't play the game with her group because she's black. When I walked over, the girl told me I was allowed to play 'because I'm half white'. Thank goodness my mum prepared me for things at an early age because I was having none of that, my friend and I just made up a new game. But it's sad to think about those kinds of identity conflicts and how each child would react to being included or excluded because of one part of who they are 😕

Thank you so much for the responses and making me feel like it’s ok to discuss this here. I hope she looks like me, which maybe lots of mums hope regardless of race etc but I know if she doesn’t nothing of what I feel for her will be any different.
The comments about ‘white passing’ mixed race children resonate as it’s this type of thing I think of - if my child is white passing which she may well be, how will she cope when comments are made in her ear shot? But I suppose this is to do with how we raise her.
I worry people might not think she’s mine - but this is just my anxiety in overdrive I suppose.

Thank you for sharing what your children look like - I’m sure each of them are absolutely beautiful x

So pleased to see this thread. I'm planning to ttc next year and this really worries me - I don't want people constantly thinking I'm the nanny. Skin colour is weird - I'm less than half black (3 out of 8 greatgrands) but I'm fairly dark and have 'strong features'. DH is very pale - Celtic heritage. He jokes that I have such strong genes though that our kids will look just like me. I don't know if there's something in that?!

@Nefelibata86 having a white passing child encountering racism is a real worry - I have a relative like that and they have internalised a lot of negative self belief and have very poor mental health which I think is connected.

This is something I did think about when I was pregnant (I think everyone wonders who the baby will take after when they’re expecting). I am mixed race (dark skin tone, hair, and eyes) with a white partner.

We know when babies are born and though early childhood skin tone, hair colour and even eye colour can change from what they were at birth. It took between a few months and a couple of years for my and my siblings colour to develop fully. My child stayed pale - and this is lovely, it’s who they are and they’re perfect in my eyes. My child has blond, loosely curly hair, blue eyes, and pale skin with freckles. The most significant (and difficult for me) thing about how different we look has been other people not realising I’m my child's mum. When they were a baby I was mistaken more than once for their nanny - people just assumed, seeing a black woman out and about with a white blond baby that it wasn’t mine. I put them right.

Unfortunately it's just one of those things that can happen. A couple of the mums at school who knew my child first or had just seen my DP were slightly surprised to meet me - a couple have told me this more recently when they know me well enough to broach the subject. I don’t think they have meant it rudely any time it’s been mentioned, but still -

My partner is mixed race (3/4 black) and I'm white - however he would probably be described as quite dark skinned. He certainly identifies as black rather than mixed race. And the world certainly sees him as black.

Our son is actually very light skinned which was a surprise to us both.

As he is developing he has DH nose, but my mouth and smile. Chestnut eyes (mine are green) they were navy when he was born. I don't know if this is a consolation but I get asked if I am the nanny as people don't automatically connect that I'm his mum.

My DH said something very sad.... That in a sense he was relieved our son was light as he wouldn't have to deal with the absolute bullshit that he has had his entire life.

My plan is to raise my son to be VERY proud of his black heritage, the history of his people as well as the history of where I'm from. I am curious like you to see what his relationship with his ethnicity will be but I will support whatever path he takes or however he feels. His dad is very pioneering in what he has done accomplishment and work wise so I hope he will have great role models too.

You will be a wonderful mum and however your children look, whatever they experience you will have instilled them with enough confidence and resilience to take it on. 🙏

I'm mixed race and my kids don't look like me. It used to bother me, especially as my youngest totally looks like his dad and nothing like me. But its quirky and cool and they will know their heritage.

As an aside what do people put when they fill out forms for their children. I've always put they are mixed race, white and black Caribbean. This must confuse people when they see it on their forms but then two white kids rock up!

My dd is the reverse. (More black than me)

But we have the same skin tones. Before she was born all I'd hear is, 'she's going to be so black, she won't look like you.'

I have a friend who will be like your dc (1/4 black) and she is white passing. 2c hair us the only giveaway. Regardless, she resembles both of her parents.

I have another friend. His mum is half half. White father. He is white (completely) and his brother looks half half.

My point is, there is no certainty. Your dc will still resemble you either way, whether that's in skin tone or otherwise. There's no predicting.

My DC (mixed race) don’t look anything like DH (black). They could be adopted. It’s totally normal to worry, question, be concerned about the implications of this. It’s good to talk these things over. What’s to hide?

My DH struggled with it when the DC were babies. People would look at him walking down the street with them (“has he taken those kids??” I’m sure was the thought going through many people’s minds when they were cute little babies dressed in expensive clothes, or in a fancy stroller, walking around in an expensive part of town. DH looks disheveled at the best of times!).

As they got older and the father-child dynamic was plain for anyone to see, this stopped. It coincided with him finding his feet as a parent and giving zero fucks any more what anyone thought about him/them/it.

Now, years on, he uses it to his advantage when he wants to embarrass them in public. He’ll have no hesitation telling a shop assistant or a waiter or a museum security guard (all three have happened!) “yes well, you’ll have to speak to their parents, they’re nothing to do with me” when they misbehave in public! 😂

It’s fine, honestly. Initially weird maybe, but they’re so undeniably YOUR children that it really doesn’t matter what they look like.

@KooKooKachu I will 100% be choosing the mixed - black carribbean and white ‘box’ for my child because that’s what they will be even if the outward appearance doesn’t reflect.
I’m a school teacher and I recall having a child in my class some years ago who was 1/4 Indian but extremely Olive skinned so it was clear he wasn’t Caucasian- his mum - who wasn’t with the father - always selected white british for him and I thought it rather strange.

It does sound like it’s a bit of a ‘lottery’ as such, genetics really are fascinating.

Hmmm... I was debating posting my experience as it’s not fully relevant but I’m going to anyway as it might be useful.

Me and DH are both black Caribbean. Neither dark nor fair. Our IVF child was born white. Not fair but white. DC got darker as black kids do but we do get asked if he is mixed race by all sorts of folk if we are not together.

When was born I debated a DNA because I got worried that the clinic ummm... dropped a tray or something it was hormones I think as kid looked like my white clone then and looks like a MR dad now.

I think for many Caribbean heritage folk that genes are so mixed (white, black, Carib, Indian) that features can be a gamble.

I had a mixed grandparent so their descendants are very varied in features, skin tone, hair etc my MR cousins are widely varied.

However, features wise there’s always something that you can see we are related.

Good luck OP and try not to worry. Regardless of features etc it will always be obvious that the child is yours - who else will they run to for a fruit shoot?

Oh gosh, In writing that I’ve just realised, one of my first cousins (two dark parents) is very very fair her brother is same as their parents.

Fairer than her mixed race half sister (black & white, red head). You can see they are sisters but I’ve never noticed that 😳.

My family has throw backs on both sides I think.

I think you can see clearly that a child is 1/4 black most of the time. I haven’t met that many dark skinned 1/4 black people only one in fact and she could pass for 1/2 black.

It’s funny what you get when you mix. I have 6 3/4 black cousins and their skin tone varies by far all with the same parents!

My DD is one quarter Jamaican (dads side) at first I was so paranoid when we all went out together as she’s very light skinned (pretty much my colour but a sort of olivey tone) also dark blonde hair and blue eyes, I thought people would suspect She wasn’t his. However almost everyone now says she’s her dads twin, she has all of his features, but my colourings.

Genetics is such a funny thing. My sister’s boys are mixed race. Sister is Ghanaian heritage like me with lovely mid-chocolate brown skin but BIL is Scottish, very pale with blond hair and eyebrows. My eldest nephew is just a shade or two lighter than my sis but with light brown curly hair and blue eyes. Middle one is olive skinned with dark eyes and black curly hair. Youngest is his fathers clone at minute- pale, straight blond hair and blue eyes but he’s 19 months so we are praying this changes . We joke they were handed the wrong baby but that’s about it.

My two DD get mistaken for mixed race often as they take after their dad in their colouring although they do now have some of my/my mums features. These took a while to manifest and not going to lie it did bother me that they didn’t look like me, especially when younger but I got over it. It also used to bother me a bit that people assumed their dad was white . They both have my mannerisms, and my eldest has my character so all isn’t lost.

DH is Jamaican heritage but has mixed ancestry like most Caribbean people including Irish,Chinese and Indian and God knows what else! He is quite fair with Hazel eyes but has strong black features. His whole family are every shade you can imagine, some of his uncles and cousins are very dark whilst others could pass for white. However, you can tell they’re related and every last one of them identifies as black.