MM, labours went like this.
Episode 1 of The Labours of Boff
First time was ten days early. I didn't even realise I was in labour because it didn't hurt particularly, and I was expecting something a lot worse. Waters had broken a tiny little bit overnight, with some very slight leaking. Called the mw. She came over and announced I couldn't have a home birth because the baby's head wasn't engaged which meant I had cephalo-pelvic disproportion (total bollox as it later transpired). Told me to mosey on into hospital later that day when I was ready, and that I would probably need a cs. However I had a business lunch to cook, as DP was networking, so pottered around doing that. As I was about to dish up dessert, I realised all hell was breaking loose down there, and that I had been having contractions all morning, most probably, but that I just hadn't noticed. I sank to all fours and carried on directing the business lunch. I then realised this was stupid and asked someone to call me a taxi. We waited 45 minutes but the taxi never came because they don't like having women in labour in their cabs, I realise now. I then thought 'shit, this is getting pretty imminent' so we rang an ambulance and I was blue lighted in, still on all fours. By the time I got there I was pushing. But they messed me about, moving me from room to room, telling me not to push, making me have gas and air, making me give urine samples and so on, which made the pain psychologically unbearable all of a sudden. I then thought to myself 'this is out of hand. I am fucking well having maximum drugs now' and threatened a mw with the gas and air tank so they would get me an epidural. Anaesthetist came down straight away as I was being so aggressive, and talked me down and sorted me out, lovely man. Labour then stopped. After a couple of hours things apparently hotted up again (I couldn't feel it though) and they told me to push. I pushed for over an hour, realising with horror the only bit of me that wasn't anaesthetised was my poor fanjo area. The room filled with people, including stupid mw that had made me go in. Eventually I managed to push the poor child out. She was fine, I had massive tears that took an hour for a specialist to stitch up. They gave me a private room out of pity, but the next morning I discharged myself because the hospital was filthy and nobody was around to help with babies, and you had to do it all yourself, whereas at home I knew I would have help. I left with a nasty hospital acquired infection as a souvenir, and a mild case of post traumatic stress disorder.
Episode 2
I decided to have a home water birth after a lot of homework into risks and benefits. There was a London mw shortage at the time, so I ended up hiring my own independent one. I woke up in the morning at the usual time, five days past the due date on New Year's Day and realised something was going on because I was having regular contractions 3 minutes apart (no other clues at all, although there had been a bit of cleaning and tidying going on a day or two before, and I had spent New Year's Eve sitting on a bucket in front of the TV as that was the only thing that was comfortable). I rang the mw and DH filled up the birthing pool. I walked around for about an hour with the TENS machine on and then the mw arrived on her motorbike . I got into the pool and I think it took about three hours after that. We only had a tiny hot water tank as I was in a minute housing association flat, but DH boiled kettles and pans of hot water to keep it at the right temperature. I pushed for about 20 minutes and it was not too bad at all. After the birth I sprang out thinking 'I could do that again'. Dead easy. Never much show, never any waters, DS1 born in a caul (in membranes).
Episode 3
Nasty miscarriage because I had had the flu. Bled dramatically all over A and E. Let's not go there. 3 days in hospital, surgery, very ill, depressed, the works.
Episode 4
Same as Episode 2 except it was on the NHS with a lovely community mw, and took about half an hour less and there was a definite show when I got up (but I was not sure what it was at the time, as I had never had one before). I had been having pre-labour pains for weeks and DS2 ended up being 18 days overdue. Nesting had involved tiling the kitchen on this occasion, a clear sign of imminent labour IMO, in retrospect. Pushing took half an hour, but required much more effort, and DS2 had his hand by his head when he came out, Superman style. Both he and I were pretty knackered afterwards. DS2 born in a caul like his brother.
Episode 5
????!!! to be continued ...