Well, as all is quiet and peaceful in our house right now I thought I?d take advantage of this moment to (finally) write my birth story. I?ve been quite looking forward to doing this and recording how Eloise arrived into the world, as even though it didn?t go as I?d hoped, I still found every part of the birth a really positive experience. It?s quite a tale (you know by now I don?t use 1 word when 2 will do) so feel free to skip this.
DH finished work at 11pm on the Sunday night, he collapsed on the sofa for a well deserved kip and told my tummy ?its ok now, Daddy?s finished work, you can come out whenever you want?. He should have waited another 24 hours until he?d had some sleep (he?d just spent 2 weeks working 15 hour days, every single day), because 5 hours after uttering that statement I got out of bed to go to the loo, felt a big glob of mucus plop onto the floor and dashed to the toilet to hear my waters go with a big pop (I never believed that when I?ve read it elsewhere, but they really do pop!)
As you know, I?d been referred to a consultant for concerns about my fluid levels and had an appointment for later that day, so I rang the hospital, told them my waters had gone and explained the situation. Even though I wasn?t having any contractions, they suggested I come in to be checked. So we set off to hospital ? and by the time I got there at about 5.30am I was contracting every 5 minutes, so it appeared to be moving fast.
In the labour ward, I hooked up my TENS machine and was given a ball to sit on and the midwife checked me over, and I felt I was coping well with the contractions, with the TENS, breathing and walking around the ward ? I even refused paracetemol because I felt so good about it.
The only down point to the labour was when the registrar came to see me, having read my notes and wanted to put me straight on syntocin to get the baby out. Luckily the midwife was really supportive of us and backed our decision to see how I was progressing as I was still contracting regularly, and because nobody had actually concluded about whether I had low fluids or not anyway, nothing was definite anyway. She examined me (2cm) and again in a couple of hours (4cm) and convinced the registrar I was progressing well enough to leave me to do it myself. The deal was that if the labour did slow down, syntocin would be considered again. And because I was now under consultant lead care I would have to be continually monitored throughout the labour (although interestingly, my MW who came out this week pointed out that I wasn?t under CLC as I hadn?t actually yet seen a consultant by then!)
I was upset at having to be monitored as I really wanted an active birth and knew already that moving around was such a help and making me feel confident and able to cope with the contractions and labour. When I was put on a monitor, just for 20 minutes initially and had to lay on the bed, the contractions got infinitely worse and for the only time throughout the labour I was scared and just wanted to cry.
Again, the midwife was great ? she suggested I was ready for gas and air and that I could move into a private delivery room. However, once in there I would have to be continually monitored, not just for 20 minutes at a time, so she suggested I cope on the labour ward as long as possible. Even in the delivery room, the midwife made a big show of needing a long time to complete her paperwork before she could attach the monitors, and regularly suggesting I take toilet breaks that lasted a while, and allowed me as much freedom as possible to move, and for this I can?t be grateful enough.
The G&A was fab for a while (and I kept making the funniest noises on it, which made me laugh whilst contracting ? not the best way to control my breathing!), but in the end being on the bed (even though I was on all fours) was getting to me and after another internal my progress was found to have slowed down. By this stage I lost all confidence in my ability, especially as the registrar returned to get on her syntocin high horse again. So I agreed to the syntocin and also requested an epidural as my movements would be further restricted by the drip. I hadn?t wanted an epidural, mainly because I don?t like needles, but was so glad I had it as I felt able to cope and strong enough to give birth again. And I think it gave DH confidence too, as I was going inside myself for each contraction and he felt pretty helpless ? although he didn?t know how much his presence was needed and that the few times he left the room I became very scared without him by my side.
About 20 minutes after the syntocin was started, the midwife suddenly pressed the panic button and within seconds there was another midwife and a senior midwife in the room, plus the registrar we didn?t like and a consultant ? all flipping me over, putting oxygen masks on me and talking 10 to the dozen. I didn?t have a clue what was going on and even whether the problem was with me or the baby, but DH looked scared, worried, angry, sad and a whole other load of things which scared me hugely ? and no-one would listen to me when I kept asking them to look after him. It turned out the baby?s heartrate had dropped right down and there was suddenly talk of an emergency C/S to get baby out. DH looked so frightened because the registrar had said to him ?if we don?t operate immediately we?ll lose the baby? and then turned her back on him, leaving to panic without any further info. Luckily the consultant was much calmer and studied the monitor for a while and noticed everything had stabilised, so decided they?d keep the labour progressing but without the syntocin if possible and luckily from then on there were no more hitches. At this point I was so thankful for the continuous monitoring, as they might have missed the low heartrate without it, so as I said earlier, everything did come together for a very positive birth.
It all carried on naturally, but was slowing down again so the midwives took the call to slowly start the syntocin to get my contractions strong enough to deliver. Luckily this time there were no ill effects and at 10pm I could feel a need to push. I was pleased that I could feel a tingling sensation of each contraction over the epidural (but bizarrely could feel my stomach rumbling very strongly!) which helped me to know when to push, and at this point DH really came into his own and became the most amazing midwife, holding my leg, encouraging me to breathe and push, talking me through the progress (DH: ?I can see her shoulders Zo?, Midwife: ?or her ears anyway!?) ? and didn?t even come over all squeamish when he saw me tearing (and pooing), just didn?t mention it and told me what a great job I was doing. It took half an hour of pushing, but in the end her head and body came out in one contraction and it was amazing to see her and have her passed into my arms. Her cord was wrapped round her neck twice but she was fine, and after a quick suckle Daddy took her whilst I was stitched up (I had a second degree tear right from my vagina to my anus ? it still hurts!) ? it was so beautiful so see them sat together just staring into each others eyes. They still do that everyday and it melts my heart everytime.
I seem to remember someone writing of struggling to connect straight away with their LO, and whoever it was, thanks for being so honest. Although I was completely in awe of Eloise, for the first couple of days I just felt like I would when I meet a friend?s newborn with no real bond beyond ?isn?t she cute?. I think I missed having her in my tum, and for the first 24 hours kept patting my stomach and feeling really sad to not get a kick back. However once we got home something started to kick in, mainly seeing how great DH is with her, and I quickly started to fall in love with my whole perfect little family and now love her to bits. Had I not read the earlier post and known that I wasn?t the only one to feel this way, I think I would have been quite distressed, so thank you so much for sharing.
This has turned into a bit of an epic, but I wanted to record everything before I forget it, so if anyone has been patient enough to get this far you deserve a prize!